A reader writes: “I’m a 16-year-old trans guy, and I came out to my mom two months ago, and my dad one month ago. They haven’t rejected me (I knew they wouldn’t), but they’re not on board with thinking of me as their son, and probably won’t be in the near future. My mom e-mailed a gender therapist recently, so I’m looking forward to my parents getting a ‘professional opinion,’ and so I can finally talk to someone who speaks my language.
“Some problems are: I don’t know how (or when) to come out to my siblings. My brother is 13, and looks up to my 18-year-old sister. My sister has treated me like less than a human being for my entire life, probably from deep jealousy that started when I was born, and I’m finally letting go of the belief that if I tried hard enough, she would show any emotion resembling love toward me. She’s leaving in the spring, and if I came out to her before that, she would probably out me to our school, and subsequently our town.
“My town has a population of 400, with less than thirty people in my high school and with two other students in my grade. I’ve lived here my whole life, and have despised it for just as long. I need to transition as soon as possible, and the only way I can think of to do that is to move to a big city, and since I’m a minor, I can’t just go and get an apartment and a job in Portland and start testosterone on my own.
“I feel guilty about wanting to ask my family if we can move, since I only have a year and a half of high school left. I also don’t want to put them through a lot of stress if I ended up coming out in this town, which is what I would need to do if I had to spend my senior year here.
“So, do you have any advice for getting my brother on my side, without him getting thrown into the middle of differing opinions within my family?
“How can I convince my parents that living this female lie is so debilitating that I can’t keep it up for even another year, and if I had to stay in this town, I would probably sink into a very deep, deep depression?
“And this isn’t as important, but I’ll ask it anyway: do you think me acting masculine on some days and effeminate on others would confuse them, or that they would have a harder time believing I’m male?”
First I would like to say that I have never known a family that picked up and moved because their teenage child asked them to. Maybe it’s my generation, but my parents would not have even paid attention to such a request. Your parents are probably settled, with jobs, a house, and a life where they are, so I can’t imagine them moving because you ask them to. Again, times might be different now or your family might be different. But I wouldn’t count on them moving.
I’m going to answer your questions in reverse order, because the ideas seem to flow better.
3. I think that you acting masculine on some days and feminine on other days would confuse them and they would have a harder time believing that you’re male. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it. You should be who you are. But most people still subscribe to stereotypical masculine and feminine gender roles, most people misunderstand the trans experience, and most people would assume that a trans man would be naturally masculine and a trans woman would be naturally feminine – and they are easily swayed into disbelief when they don’t see what they expect to see.
In the process of educating them, you can explain to them why this might be so and why none of your behaviors or other forms of gender expression mean that you are not trans or not a guy. This is just the way gender is – it’s not hard and fast, it’s not cut and dried. Once you get hooked up with a therapist, he or she can explain that to them as well.
2. I don’t know your parents, so I’m not sure how you can convince them that you need to transition now, because different people respond to, and are motivated by, different things. I don’t know if you have tried telling them that outright and if they have not believed you, or what the circumstances are. You could try telling them exactly that, if you haven’t already. You could show them this letter. You could hope that you will get hooked up with your therapist soon, and he or she can tell them, as well.
I don’t know if there is someone in another town who you could go stay with so that you could start this process, or if you would be able to do it in that small town as long as you had your parents’ support. You say that you really won’t be able to stay and transition there, but you might not have any choice, if there is nowhere for you to go and if your parents won’t move. So you should probably talk to your parents about this and do your best to make them understand.
For that, you will need to be mature, calm, and articulate, with your arguments reasoned out ahead of time. You will have to be careful not to let your emotions get the best of you, no matter how frustrating the discussion is. It would also help if you had some possible plans to present to them, or some ideas to present about what you want and need from them. But I think you just have to keep talking to them.
Them seeing you as their son right now is not the most important issue. The most important issue is that you don’t think that you can wait any longer to start transitioning. That’s what you need to talk to them about – not them seeing you as their son. That will come with time. The urgency is in how you are feeling about transition.
1. I also don’t know how you can get your brother on your side, because I don’t know the relationship between the two of you. You say he looks up to your sister, but you don’t say how you and he get along. If you feel that your sister will sabotage anything that you try to do with regard to your brother, then I would suggest that you wait until she’s gone and then talk to him.
He might not be on your side. This is a big deal, and at thirteen, he might not be prepared for something like this or know how to handle it. On the other hand, he might be a big ally for you. But without knowing the relationship, it’s hard for me to say, so you might want to concentrate on getting things in line with your parents, and once they are on board, or at least some things are underway, then you can talk to your brother, and they can help you.
Right now, I think the most important thing is to find a therapist, because your mother seems amenable to that. Once therapy is started up, these other issues might fall into place. I know it seems like forever to wait even a day, but remember that transition is a process, and it sometimes takes years to get to where you want to be. It will help if you do one thing that moves you in the right direction, and that one thing seems to be finding a therapist. So start with that. Good luck.
(Editor's Note: Despite the fact that Matt Kailey, one of my closest friends, passed away earlier this year I will continue to republish his writing on MileHighGayGuy.com - as I did when he was alive - as a resource for the gay community to know more about trans people. This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com)
