By Ed Sikov
Straight gin has such a degenerate reputation that to drink it without mixing in some other ingredient is to invite either derision or an intervention. I have no idea why. Straight up, on the rocks, or neat, asking for nothing but gin simply isn’t done in public, and pouring a glass at home makes many people so self-conscious that they begin to think they can actually feel the cirrhosis nodules beginning to grow in their livers. Drinking straight gin is the kind of thing folks do with the blinds drawn.
This is sad and quite needless. Juniper-flavored alcohol has a long, formerly proud history as a tonic. Monks made it, for God’s sake – literally. People in the Dark Ages made that drab era a little lighter with it; they drank it as a way of warding off the Plague. Of course it didn’t really work to that end, but gin did make one’s buboes seem a great deal less repulsive for the brief period between their onset and the drinker’s unpleasant and smelly demise. Buboes are best experienced through a gin haze – on that I think we can all agree.
The 17th century, when gin was flavored with turpentine, will not be elaborated upon here except to note that the phase didn’t last long.
Juniper berries returned as the primary flavoring soon thereafter, though today’s premium brands often feature such an array of secondary essences that the roster resembles the ingredients in high-end organic shampoo. Beefeater gin, for example, features not only juniper but also eight other botanicals: the seeds and root of angelica, licorice, almonds, oranges, lemon peel and everybody’s favorite, orris root.
What the hell is orris root? Orris happens to be one of the “notes” in Yves Saint Laurent’s perfume Opium. It’s flowery, and heavily so when sniffed on its own. And apparently witches use it to pry into other people’s subconscious. (Note to readers: If someone you know – say, your mother – wears Opium, be very wary of having even the slightest contact with her, or else your wonderfully filthy fantasy life will be an open book.)
Which brings us to the subject of this column: Pink Gin. Tailor made for lesbian and gay drinkers, Pink Gin is even closer to straight gin than a martini is. Even the driest martinis have something in them besides the main ingredient. Pink Gin, on the other hand, contains nothing but straight gin that is faintly colored by the addition of Angostura bitters.
What’s in Angostura bitters? According to Rachel Maddow, who knows everything worth knowing, the recipe is such a secret that only five people on the planet know it. All the rest of us know is that it’s a tincture of herbs and spices that originated in Venezuela in the 19th century. One of the great Latin American liberator Simon Bolivar’s doctors cooked it up; he may have based his highly guarded recipe on the local Amerindians’ folk medicine. It does not – repeat, not – contain angostura bark, which is poisonous.
Angostura bitters have a very complex taste, one that’s difficult to describe beyond “herbal and spicy.” Easier to describe is the feeling one gets while drinking a Pink Gin – delightful! The botanicals of the gin are well complemented by the bitters. But don’t overdo it. The following recipe creates exactly the right proportion of gin to bitters. And the color is lovely.
Pink Gin
5 dashes Angostura bitters
4 Tbsp. Beefeater gin, chilled
Lemon peel garnish (optional)
Shake 5 dashes of bitters into a chilled cocktail glass. (Bitters bottles have caps similar to Tabasco sauce so you can’t overdo it.) Swirl the bitters around until the glass is coated with it, then toss the excess in the sink. Fill the glass with chilled gin and serve.
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Showing posts with label Cocktail Chatter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cocktail Chatter. Show all posts
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: Pink Gin
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: The Gin Rickey
By Ed Sikov
“Whatcha makin’, hot stuff?” I was at the kitchen island mixing an experimental drink; I felt the hand slip around my stomach and jumped slightly before I heard the coo in my ear. Dan never calls me “hot stuff,” so I knew it wasn’t him. But whose hand was suddenly tweaking my right nipple?
“Chipper! You dog!” I gave a slight shiver and felt a certain stirring.
“Seriously, tiger,” Chipper whispered. “Can I try it?”
“My nipple or my drink?” I inquired in a lewd tone. Chipper made a growling noise and started to work on a hickey on my neck. I shook him off, finished making the cocktail and handed it to him. Wasting no time, he took a sizeable gulp.
“Yikes!” he said. “That’s strong! Strong but good! What’s it called?”
“Loooo-cyyyyy?!” was my response.
“The Ethel?”
“Good guess, but no. Not ‘The Ethel.’ Close, though.”
“Certainly not ‘The Fred.’ Not even you would name a drink ‘The Fred.’”
“Indeed not,” I sniffed. “Not ‘The Fred.’”
“The Ricky?”
“Right!” I cried. “You win the prize,” at which point I whirled around and grabbed his nuts. Of course that was precisely the moment for Dan to make his pointless entrance.
“I’m not jealous. You can have him,” he said to Chipper as he continued past the kitchen and into the living room. There is little more deflating than having one’s husband offer you to the nearest mouth.
Chipper and I moved away from each other quickly; our illicit fondling had been killed before it got interesting.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s a Gin Rickey. What do you think?”
“It’s fabulous!” Chipper enthused. “What’s in it?”
“Gin and lime juice and seltzer and that’s all, except for the ice.”
“Wait a minute,” Chipper said. “I thought that was a Collins.”
“Good catch, shortstop!” I said. “A Rickey is a Collins without sugar and with lime juice instead of lemon. But like a Collins, a Rickey can be made with….”
“… various kinds of liquors.” Dan was finishing my sentence for me. “Rum, bourbon, even Scotch.”
“Very good,” I said with a certain edge to my voice. “Would you like me to throw one in your face?”
“No, thank you, darling dearest,” Dan coolly replied. “Just make me a standard Gin Rickey, and don’t be stingy with the gin.” The nerve of some people!
The Gin Rickey
3 Tbsp. Beefeater gin
2 Tbsp. lime juice, either bottled or fresh (1 lime’s worth, if the lime is juicy)
Seltzer
Lime wedge garnish (optional)
Put some ice in a highball glass (a tumbler); add the gin, juice and seltzer in that order. That’s all, folks!
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
“Whatcha makin’, hot stuff?” I was at the kitchen island mixing an experimental drink; I felt the hand slip around my stomach and jumped slightly before I heard the coo in my ear. Dan never calls me “hot stuff,” so I knew it wasn’t him. But whose hand was suddenly tweaking my right nipple?
“Chipper! You dog!” I gave a slight shiver and felt a certain stirring.
“Seriously, tiger,” Chipper whispered. “Can I try it?”
“My nipple or my drink?” I inquired in a lewd tone. Chipper made a growling noise and started to work on a hickey on my neck. I shook him off, finished making the cocktail and handed it to him. Wasting no time, he took a sizeable gulp.
“Yikes!” he said. “That’s strong! Strong but good! What’s it called?”
“Loooo-cyyyyy?!” was my response.
“The Ethel?”
“Good guess, but no. Not ‘The Ethel.’ Close, though.”
“Certainly not ‘The Fred.’ Not even you would name a drink ‘The Fred.’”
“Indeed not,” I sniffed. “Not ‘The Fred.’”
“The Ricky?”
“Right!” I cried. “You win the prize,” at which point I whirled around and grabbed his nuts. Of course that was precisely the moment for Dan to make his pointless entrance.
“I’m not jealous. You can have him,” he said to Chipper as he continued past the kitchen and into the living room. There is little more deflating than having one’s husband offer you to the nearest mouth.
Chipper and I moved away from each other quickly; our illicit fondling had been killed before it got interesting.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s a Gin Rickey. What do you think?”
“It’s fabulous!” Chipper enthused. “What’s in it?”
“Gin and lime juice and seltzer and that’s all, except for the ice.”
“Wait a minute,” Chipper said. “I thought that was a Collins.”
“Good catch, shortstop!” I said. “A Rickey is a Collins without sugar and with lime juice instead of lemon. But like a Collins, a Rickey can be made with….”
“… various kinds of liquors.” Dan was finishing my sentence for me. “Rum, bourbon, even Scotch.”
“Very good,” I said with a certain edge to my voice. “Would you like me to throw one in your face?”
“No, thank you, darling dearest,” Dan coolly replied. “Just make me a standard Gin Rickey, and don’t be stingy with the gin.” The nerve of some people!
The Gin Rickey
3 Tbsp. Beefeater gin
2 Tbsp. lime juice, either bottled or fresh (1 lime’s worth, if the lime is juicy)
Seltzer
Lime wedge garnish (optional)
Put some ice in a highball glass (a tumbler); add the gin, juice and seltzer in that order. That’s all, folks!
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Friday, May 31, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: Rimming
By Ed Sikov
“I can’t talk to you now. I’m rimming.” Dan was obviously aghast. There was a momentary pause on the line, after which he said only, “Who?”
“Get your mind out of the gutter!” I cried in triumph. “It’s not that kind of rimming.”
“What other kind is there?” he asked warily.
“I’m creating decorative and tasty rims on cocktail glasses. You know, like salt on a margarita?”
“Very funny,” he muttered, clearly indicating that he didn’t find my little joke even half as amusing as I did. “I’ll be home in an hour.” Then he hung up.
The truth of the matter is that I was initially inspired by a very, uh, captivating porn video I’d watched a few days earlier. To be a bit confessional here, the actual practice of rimming has never appealed to me. Before. Then I saw these two most attractive young men appear to be enjoying themselves fully, executing their task with vigor. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. And that’s saying something, because having been a video porn reviewer earlier in my checkered career, I have seen so much bad porn that it usually does absolutely nothing for me now. (I wrote for the late, lamented Inches magazine under the by-line “Joe McKenna,” which was Doris Day’s character’s name in The Man Who Knew Too Much; I added the e to “Jo” to make it conform to gender norms.)
It was through this filth that I got to musing on the word “rimming,” and in a flash of pure inspiration, I realized I had the subject of my next column. Why stop at salt for margaritas? There are many things you can use to beautify and spice up the edge of a cocktail glass. So I began experimenting.
The liquor cabinet was running low, so I was forced to use my imagination; I employed only a bunch of clean glasses, a saucer full of water and several small plates. A quick tour of my spice cabinet produced an array of spices and seasonings that I paired with imaginary cocktails. I suppose a wealthier cocktails columnist would have made real cocktails to try out the various rims I created, but stocking the liquor cabinet and refrigerator for all the following drinks would have meant going without food for a few days. I’m certain these combinations will work. I wouldn’t print them if I had any doubts.
Multicolored Pepper Rim
Hand-grind a saucer full of multicolored peppercorns. Take a tall tumbler, dip it in the water, and then in the ground pepper. Voila! Here you have the perfect topper for a Bloody Mary. Variation: shake some hot pepper flakes onto the peppercorns for a spicier crust, but don’t overdo it.
Cracked Fennel Rim
Either buy cracked fennel from Penzey’s spices or crush some whole fennel seeds in a mortal and pestle and dip your wetted glass into a saucerful of fennel. This would make a great Bloody Mary crust, too, as well as an interesting rim for plain frozen Absolut or the caraway flavored liquor, Aquavit. Cumin seeds would work just as well.
Sugar Rim
Pour some granulated sugar or superfine sugar onto a plate, and dip a tumbler in to form a sugar crust for a screwdriver or a Madras or a Watermelon or even a Manhattan, as long as you decrease the amount of sweet vermouth in the Manhattan to keep the drink from being cloying.
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
“I can’t talk to you now. I’m rimming.” Dan was obviously aghast. There was a momentary pause on the line, after which he said only, “Who?”
“Get your mind out of the gutter!” I cried in triumph. “It’s not that kind of rimming.”
“What other kind is there?” he asked warily.
“I’m creating decorative and tasty rims on cocktail glasses. You know, like salt on a margarita?”
“Very funny,” he muttered, clearly indicating that he didn’t find my little joke even half as amusing as I did. “I’ll be home in an hour.” Then he hung up.
The truth of the matter is that I was initially inspired by a very, uh, captivating porn video I’d watched a few days earlier. To be a bit confessional here, the actual practice of rimming has never appealed to me. Before. Then I saw these two most attractive young men appear to be enjoying themselves fully, executing their task with vigor. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. And that’s saying something, because having been a video porn reviewer earlier in my checkered career, I have seen so much bad porn that it usually does absolutely nothing for me now. (I wrote for the late, lamented Inches magazine under the by-line “Joe McKenna,” which was Doris Day’s character’s name in The Man Who Knew Too Much; I added the e to “Jo” to make it conform to gender norms.)
It was through this filth that I got to musing on the word “rimming,” and in a flash of pure inspiration, I realized I had the subject of my next column. Why stop at salt for margaritas? There are many things you can use to beautify and spice up the edge of a cocktail glass. So I began experimenting.
The liquor cabinet was running low, so I was forced to use my imagination; I employed only a bunch of clean glasses, a saucer full of water and several small plates. A quick tour of my spice cabinet produced an array of spices and seasonings that I paired with imaginary cocktails. I suppose a wealthier cocktails columnist would have made real cocktails to try out the various rims I created, but stocking the liquor cabinet and refrigerator for all the following drinks would have meant going without food for a few days. I’m certain these combinations will work. I wouldn’t print them if I had any doubts.
Multicolored Pepper Rim
Hand-grind a saucer full of multicolored peppercorns. Take a tall tumbler, dip it in the water, and then in the ground pepper. Voila! Here you have the perfect topper for a Bloody Mary. Variation: shake some hot pepper flakes onto the peppercorns for a spicier crust, but don’t overdo it.
Cracked Fennel Rim
Either buy cracked fennel from Penzey’s spices or crush some whole fennel seeds in a mortal and pestle and dip your wetted glass into a saucerful of fennel. This would make a great Bloody Mary crust, too, as well as an interesting rim for plain frozen Absolut or the caraway flavored liquor, Aquavit. Cumin seeds would work just as well.
Sugar Rim
Pour some granulated sugar or superfine sugar onto a plate, and dip a tumbler in to form a sugar crust for a screwdriver or a Madras or a Watermelon or even a Manhattan, as long as you decrease the amount of sweet vermouth in the Manhattan to keep the drink from being cloying.
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: The Caiprinha
By Ed Sikov
“Portuguese is easy,” Chipper explained. “All you do is speak Spanish through your nose.”
Hilarity ensued. “That’s so bogus,” Craig managed to get out through heaves of laughter. The other boys – Dan, Paolo and me – were too convulsed to say anything.
“No, really!” Chipper insisted, and he proceeded to demonstrate: “¡Buenos dias!” he cried while holding his nostrils shut. It was certainly adenoidal, but Portuguese it wasn’t.
“I happen to know a bit of Portuguese,” Paolo announced, “and that’s not the way you say ‘good day’ in Portuguese. It’s ‘bom dia.’”
“That’s what I said!” Chipper protested to no success. “Comeme!” he snarled, once again pinching his nostrils and sending the rest of us into spastic fits of amusement.
We were enjoying this especially inane discussion on the Saturday evening of a lovely spring weekend at Fire Island Pines; we’d all gotten together to open the beach house and launch another glorious season of hot sand, hot men, and – as far as Chipper was concerned – hot air. The particular topic suggested itself because I’d stopped at the amazingly well-stocked Pines Liquor Store and picked up a bottle of cachaça, the Brazilian firewater distilled from sugar cane. In Rio they practically give it away, it’s so cheap. The Pines Liquor Store charged a bit more, but it was worth it.
Cachaça is very, very strong. Drinking it neat would be asking for trouble – big-time trouble. It really must be mixed with something else to be palatable. Thus the Brazilian national cocktail, the caiprinha. (It’s pronounced KYE-pa-REEN-ya.)
To make a round of great caiprinhas, you need a lot of very juicy limes. This can be a problem in most of the United States and Canada, because in all but the warmest locations, limes are shipped to stores on the basis of their appearance, not their taste. How many times have you grabbed what looks like a perfectly ripe lime and sliced it open only to find desiccated, lifeless pulp? For this reason, I recommend that you augment your fresh limes with bottled lime juice. You’ll get whatever fresh flavor your limes will yield – and the rind is actually full of flavor and aroma – but you won’t be dependent on the probably low quality of the fruit inside.
Another peculiarity of the caiprinha is the fact that it’s better when the sugar you add doesn’t dissolve entirely, thereby giving the cocktail a slight crunch. Usually I recommend using superfine sugar when mixing drinks. (And to really milk the experience for all it’s worth, you have to say “superfine” the way the guy says “Super Fly” in the theme song from that great blaxploitation film from 1972.) But superfine sugar dissolves completely, and you don’t want that in your classic caiprinha. There should be a granular quality in each sip, if for no other reason than to remind you that you’re drinking sugar can liquor. Here’s the classic caiprinha recipe, modified to increase the lime juice by way of a bottle:
The Caiprinha
1 lime
1 ½ tsp. sugar
1 tsp. lime juice
3 Tbsp. cachaça
Slice the lime into quarters, and place the quarters pulp side up in a wide glass. Add the sugar and lime juice, the mash the lime quarters down with a pestle or other similar muddler. Add the cachaça and crushed ice and stir. Do not remove the lime pieces from the drink; this cocktail should have a rustic quality.
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
“Portuguese is easy,” Chipper explained. “All you do is speak Spanish through your nose.”
Hilarity ensued. “That’s so bogus,” Craig managed to get out through heaves of laughter. The other boys – Dan, Paolo and me – were too convulsed to say anything.
“No, really!” Chipper insisted, and he proceeded to demonstrate: “¡Buenos dias!” he cried while holding his nostrils shut. It was certainly adenoidal, but Portuguese it wasn’t.
“I happen to know a bit of Portuguese,” Paolo announced, “and that’s not the way you say ‘good day’ in Portuguese. It’s ‘bom dia.’”
“That’s what I said!” Chipper protested to no success. “Comeme!” he snarled, once again pinching his nostrils and sending the rest of us into spastic fits of amusement.
We were enjoying this especially inane discussion on the Saturday evening of a lovely spring weekend at Fire Island Pines; we’d all gotten together to open the beach house and launch another glorious season of hot sand, hot men, and – as far as Chipper was concerned – hot air. The particular topic suggested itself because I’d stopped at the amazingly well-stocked Pines Liquor Store and picked up a bottle of cachaça, the Brazilian firewater distilled from sugar cane. In Rio they practically give it away, it’s so cheap. The Pines Liquor Store charged a bit more, but it was worth it.
Cachaça is very, very strong. Drinking it neat would be asking for trouble – big-time trouble. It really must be mixed with something else to be palatable. Thus the Brazilian national cocktail, the caiprinha. (It’s pronounced KYE-pa-REEN-ya.)
To make a round of great caiprinhas, you need a lot of very juicy limes. This can be a problem in most of the United States and Canada, because in all but the warmest locations, limes are shipped to stores on the basis of their appearance, not their taste. How many times have you grabbed what looks like a perfectly ripe lime and sliced it open only to find desiccated, lifeless pulp? For this reason, I recommend that you augment your fresh limes with bottled lime juice. You’ll get whatever fresh flavor your limes will yield – and the rind is actually full of flavor and aroma – but you won’t be dependent on the probably low quality of the fruit inside.
Another peculiarity of the caiprinha is the fact that it’s better when the sugar you add doesn’t dissolve entirely, thereby giving the cocktail a slight crunch. Usually I recommend using superfine sugar when mixing drinks. (And to really milk the experience for all it’s worth, you have to say “superfine” the way the guy says “Super Fly” in the theme song from that great blaxploitation film from 1972.) But superfine sugar dissolves completely, and you don’t want that in your classic caiprinha. There should be a granular quality in each sip, if for no other reason than to remind you that you’re drinking sugar can liquor. Here’s the classic caiprinha recipe, modified to increase the lime juice by way of a bottle:
The Caiprinha
1 lime
1 ½ tsp. sugar
1 tsp. lime juice
3 Tbsp. cachaça
Slice the lime into quarters, and place the quarters pulp side up in a wide glass. Add the sugar and lime juice, the mash the lime quarters down with a pestle or other similar muddler. Add the cachaça and crushed ice and stir. Do not remove the lime pieces from the drink; this cocktail should have a rustic quality.
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Friday, April 19, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: The Greyhound
By Ed Sikov
“I can’t believe you’re serving us a drink named after a bus line.” This was going to be a long night. Craig was in one of his moods, and it seemed as though nothing anyone could say or do was going to make things any better. “It’s not ‘named after a bus line,’” I snapped. “It’s a classic cocktail named after….” I had to stop the sentence in midstream because I had no idea why the drink was called a greyhound.
“There! You see?” Craig cried triumphantly. “It was named after a bus line! How very middle America of you. Woman of the masses! Everygal! You think just because you’re serving a drink named after a bus line you’re connected to ‘the people.’ Well, you’re not. You’re still a prissy little snob.”
“Craig, dear,” I began in my calmest available tone. “We love you and all that, but shut the hell up. Do you want a greyhound or don’t you? That’s what the bar is serving this evening, and if you don’t like it, you can shove it up your….”
“Ladies,” Dan interrupted. “Ladies, please!”
“You’re no better,” Craig said turning his venomous attention to Dan. “In fact, in certain ways you’re worse.”
“Name one,” Dan challenged.
“First of all, your many Harvard degrees are tiresome, especially when you bring them up, which is once a day if we’re lucky.”
Dan looked stricken. He knew Craig was right. Fortunately for us, Craig paused and reached for the glass I was proffering, took a big gulp, and suddenly looked like he’d just been given the keys to heaven. “This is good,” he announced. “What’s in it?”
I had a momentary urge to make up a list of fake ingredients, but I chose the path of honesty instead. “Vodka and grapefruit juice, with a hint of orange Curacao. It’s basically a screwdriver with a citrus cousin.”
Craig polished off his greyhound in just shy of 90 seconds and asked for another. Dan glared at me as if to say “Don’t you dare,” but the drink seemed to be taming Craig’s inner rhinoceros, and I was glad to serve him anything as long as he stopped being so obnoxious.
“Am I obnoxious?” Craig asked in an abrupt change of disposition.
“I wouldn’t say ‘obnoxious,’” I said, lying through my teeth. “You’re, you’re, um, opinionated.”
Craig looked pensive, as though he’d just been handed an enormous box of assorted chocolates and was deciding which one to start with. “I just say what I feel,” he said mildly. “That you do,” I concurred. “That you do.”
The Greyhound
Absolut premium vodka
Grapefruit juice
A small splash of Orange Curacao (optional)
Like the screwdriver, much depends on the quality of grapefruit juice you use. Tropicana makes a delicious grapefruit juice that tastes almost as though the juice has been freshly squeezed. All you do to make this cocktail is pour the Absolut over some ice and fill the glass with grapefruit juice. If you decide to add the Curacao, do it after the vodka but before the juice. (It mixes better that way.) Stir. Serve.
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
“I can’t believe you’re serving us a drink named after a bus line.” This was going to be a long night. Craig was in one of his moods, and it seemed as though nothing anyone could say or do was going to make things any better. “It’s not ‘named after a bus line,’” I snapped. “It’s a classic cocktail named after….” I had to stop the sentence in midstream because I had no idea why the drink was called a greyhound.
“There! You see?” Craig cried triumphantly. “It was named after a bus line! How very middle America of you. Woman of the masses! Everygal! You think just because you’re serving a drink named after a bus line you’re connected to ‘the people.’ Well, you’re not. You’re still a prissy little snob.”
“Craig, dear,” I began in my calmest available tone. “We love you and all that, but shut the hell up. Do you want a greyhound or don’t you? That’s what the bar is serving this evening, and if you don’t like it, you can shove it up your….”
“Ladies,” Dan interrupted. “Ladies, please!”
“You’re no better,” Craig said turning his venomous attention to Dan. “In fact, in certain ways you’re worse.”
“Name one,” Dan challenged.
“First of all, your many Harvard degrees are tiresome, especially when you bring them up, which is once a day if we’re lucky.”
Dan looked stricken. He knew Craig was right. Fortunately for us, Craig paused and reached for the glass I was proffering, took a big gulp, and suddenly looked like he’d just been given the keys to heaven. “This is good,” he announced. “What’s in it?”
I had a momentary urge to make up a list of fake ingredients, but I chose the path of honesty instead. “Vodka and grapefruit juice, with a hint of orange Curacao. It’s basically a screwdriver with a citrus cousin.”
Craig polished off his greyhound in just shy of 90 seconds and asked for another. Dan glared at me as if to say “Don’t you dare,” but the drink seemed to be taming Craig’s inner rhinoceros, and I was glad to serve him anything as long as he stopped being so obnoxious.
“Am I obnoxious?” Craig asked in an abrupt change of disposition.
“I wouldn’t say ‘obnoxious,’” I said, lying through my teeth. “You’re, you’re, um, opinionated.”
Craig looked pensive, as though he’d just been handed an enormous box of assorted chocolates and was deciding which one to start with. “I just say what I feel,” he said mildly. “That you do,” I concurred. “That you do.”
The Greyhound
Absolut premium vodka
Grapefruit juice
A small splash of Orange Curacao (optional)
Like the screwdriver, much depends on the quality of grapefruit juice you use. Tropicana makes a delicious grapefruit juice that tastes almost as though the juice has been freshly squeezed. All you do to make this cocktail is pour the Absolut over some ice and fill the glass with grapefruit juice. If you decide to add the Curacao, do it after the vodka but before the juice. (It mixes better that way.) Stir. Serve.
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: The Bitter Orange
By
Ed Sikov
“What about ‘The
Burnt Orange?’” Dan was trying to be helpful, but I bit his head off. “That’s
the ugliest Crayola color ever!” I shouted. “Readers will think I’m either
color blind or have no taste.” “Well,” Dan drawled, indicating his belief that
two can play at whatever wretched mind game I was instigating. “Watch it!” I
snapped. “You’re inching perilously close to the edge of….” “Of what?” he
demanded, getting in my face and throwing his shoulders back as though
preparing for combat. “Of this!” I cried as I jabbed at his waist with my
fingertips and began to tickle him mercilessly.
“Stop!” he
begged, but I refused his order. Tickling Dan is one of my favorite pastimes,
never so much as when I’m slightly irritated with him. He tried to pry my
poking fingers away from his midsection, but I was in for the kill. Why was I
so annoyed with him? He’d been perfectly pleasant all afternoon. He was heaving
great, helpless breaths by this point, and he looked so totally beaten that I
began to feel sorry for him and suddenly quit. “OK, I win,” I said in a
desultory manner and turned around toward the counter, where my drink
ingredients were still standing. I immediately felt two forefingers plunging
into my ribs and my knees getting suddenly weak. “No!” I yelled vainly. “I won.
You can’t do this. It’s not fair.” I was laughing in that desperate,
mirthlessly tickled way. “All’s fair in love and war,” Dan said with a
commanding edge to his voice. I was immediately turned on, went limp and fell
back against him.
We resumed our
cocktail naming contest after about 20 minutes, by which point we were each
wearing only our briefs, which we had picked up from the hall floor on the way
back to the kitchen. I wasn’t annoyed with him anymore, nor he with me. No
sireee, not at all.
“What about ‘The
Bitter Orange?’” This was my make-nice suggestion, and it was genuine. After
his winner-take-all performance in the sack, he’d earned my obedience.
“That’s not
bad,” he acknowledged, nuzzling my neck from behind.
“OK, then. It’s
settled. We’re dubbing this ‘The Bitter Orange.’” I poured one for him and one
for me, we clinked glasses, took our sips and finished off with a kiss.
“What,” you are
no doubt fuming, “is the frigging drink?” It’s simple and easy and elegant, and
if you go ahead and make a couple of them, you’ll forgive my coy introduction.
It’s an Aperol
and Absolut cocktail I made up after realizing that I didn’t want to spend my
entire bottle of Aperol on “I Sorpassi,” or “Above and Beyonds,” the subject
of my last column. The “Above and Beyond” is a marvelous drink, but sometimes
one is in the mood for a less complex cocktail. I reasoned that the addition of
Aperol to a fine glass of Absolut would benefit both: the Absolut would be
faintly flavored, and the Aperol would be fortified. Boy was I ever right! And
the color is phenomenal! You can make this drink with Campari, too, with much
the same result, only redder.
The Bitter
Orange
3 parts Absolut
premium vodka
1 part Aperol,
an Italian bitter orange aperitif, or Campari, a similar Italian herbal
concoction
Pour both
ingredients into a glass filled with ice and stir. It doesn’t get any easier
than this.
Ed Sikov is the
author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel
with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: Above and Beyond
By Ed Sikov
My brother-in-law
introduced me to a new liqueur last week – well, new to me, anyway. It’s an
Italian aperitif called Aperol, and it’s quite delicious. Think Campari, but
with less alcohol. According to Wikipedia, Aperol’s flavors include bitter
orange, rhubarb, gentian and cinchona.
What’s that you
say? You’ve never even heard of either gentian or cinchona? Well, my dears!
Step out of ignorance and into the light of knowledge! (Truth alert: I had
never heard of them either and had to look them up on – where else? –
Wikipedia. Gentian is derived from the root of a flowering Alpine herb;
cinchona is an Andean plant that serves as a source of quinine.)
My
aforementioned brother-in-law, Paul, used Aperol as one ingredient in a
delicious cocktail named “Il Sorpasso.” He’d found the recipe in the New York
Times. Perhaps needless to say, I was confident I could improve on the recipe,
so I’ve been experimenting with proportions in an effort to make the cocktail
less sugary. I’ve come up with a more balanced drink – to my taste, at least.
But for history’s sake, I’ve included the original recipe as well. In short, I
eliminated the extra sugar but kept the original honey. I also dislike club
soda because it has an unnecessary touch of salt, so I use sparkling water
instead – and less of it. Finally, I find recipes that lurch from ounces to
teaspoons and back again to be a huge pain in the ass. We aren’t all human
conversion calculators! So in my version I use standard kitchen equipment: a
measuring cup and a teaspoon.
I’m certain
you’re all wondering what “il sorpasso” means in English. Translated without
regard to the way any of us actually talk, “il sorpasso” means that which is
surpassing. In consultation with my multilingual pal Steve, who lives in Rome
when he’s not living in Paris (don’t you just hate him already?), I’ve come up
with a looser, more fluid (if you will) translation: _Above and Beyond_. This
cocktail is certainly that. It’s got the booziness of bourbon, the bitter
orange of Aperol, a whiff of herbs, and a faint kiss of honey. It’s a winner.
1 oz Aperol
1 oz bourbon
3/4 tsp honey
1 tsp lemon juice
1/4 tsp sugar
2 oz club soda
Combine everything but the club
soda in a cocktail shaker and shake; pour over ice, then add the club soda and
an orange slice to garnish.
The Above and
Beyond (my adaptation)
¼ cup Aperol
¼ cup bourbon
3/4 tsp honey
1 tsp lemon juice
sparkling water (it only needs a
bit to provide fizz)
In a cocktail shaker filled with
ice, combine all the ingredients except the sparkling water; shake. Strain and
pour over fresh ice, then add club soda and – if you’re fond of pieces of fruit
batting against your face when you sip – an orange slice for garnish.
Ed Sikov is the
author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel
with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: Pisco Punch
By Ed Sikov
Call me the Pisco Kid. Yes, I’m still on a Pisco kick. The attentive reader will recall that my last Cocktail Chatter column concerned the Peruvian firewater called Pisco, a delicious and hard-knockin’ brandy distilled from Muscat grapes. Research into the drink’s history yielded the unexpected information that a punch made out of Pisco and pineapple syrup was San Francisco’s most fashionable cocktail in the late 1800s. Nowadays, the Pisco Sour appears more often on cocktail lists than Pisco Punch, so I decided to take the more adventurous route and make a round of the punch for Dan and me.
Well, sports fans, it was a punch in both senses of the word. The cocktail knocked us off our feet. We ended up ordering Chinese delivery for dinner, because after a couple of these babies neither one of us was capable of cooking. Besides, given the alcohol on our breath, lighting the cooktop would have put us at risk of blowing up the kitchen. Like Planters’ Punch, Pisco Punch is so delightfully drinkable that you don’t know you’re getting snockered until it’s too late to do much about it. Do not – I repeat, do not – go to the trouble of creating a multi-course meal if you’re planning to serve Pisco Punch as le cocktail du nuit. By the time you’re ready to serve your laboriously created Beef Wellington your guests won’t care if you served them Alpo straight from the can.
Here’s both the classic recipe and my time-saving and less watered-down variation.
Pisco Punch (The Classic Version)
Cut a fresh pineapple into chunks, or – better – buy a container of cut-up fresh pineapple, and place the chunks in a larger sealable plastic container along with 1/2 cup of Really Simple syrup.* Refrigerate overnight so that the fruit macerates. The next day, mix the following in a cocktail shaker or pitcher for each portion you plan to serve:
2 TBS pineapple-infused simple syrup from the container of pineapple
4 TBS filtered water
3 TBS lemon juice
6 TBS Pisco Portón
Refrigerate the shaker or pitcher until you’re ready to serve the drink. Do not serve the punch on ice unless you haven’t chilled the punch enough; it shouldn’t be watery. Serve with a chunk of pineapple in each glass.
*Note: Simple Syrup is a pain to make the classic way; it’s much easier to mix equal parts of sugar and water in a jar, put the lid on the jar, and shake it till the sugar is dissolved.
Pisco Punch (My Quicker, Punchier Variation)
Buy a can of pineapple chunks in syrup. In a cocktail shaker or pitcher, mix the following ingredients for each portion:
2 TBS pineapple syrup from the can
3 TBS lemon juice
6 TBS Pisco Portón
Chill the cocktail thoroughly in the refrigerator before serving; again, do not serve over ice. And forget the chunk of pineapple stuck in the glass since it’s just going to take up space that would be better served by the cocktail itself. Moreover, you don’t really want to see your guests digging the thing out of their glasses with their fingers and then wiping their sticky hands on your nice throw pillows.
Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: ¡Oh, Pisco!
By Ed Sikov
“Oh, Pancho!”
“Oh, Pisco!” I knew I was being annoying, but that only spurred me on.
“Oh, Pancho!”
“Oh, Pisco!” My Mexican accent was becoming broader and more offensive with
every iteration.
“Oh, Pancho!”
Oh, P…”
“Stop it. Now.
If you say that irritating thing one more time I swear I’m going to pick you up
and defenestrate you.” Despite his excellent word choice, this was a surprising
threat of violence coming from Dan, who usually assumes the Longsuffering
Husband perspective and simply sighs with resignation.
“It’s classic
television history,” I sniffed, taking the pedantic perspective and feeling
suddenly huffy and put-out. “Didn’t you ever watch The Cisco Kid?”
“The Cisco
Kid?!” he said with a tone of stupefaction. “When was that even on? 1940? Even you, Methuselah, are too young for The Cisco Kid.”
“No need to turn
personal,” I chided. “If it weren’t for me and my nerdy friends, the entire
history of television would evaporate just like this.” I made a dramatic
poofing sound and looked outraged.
“OK, forget it.
I know when I’m licked.”
“Grrrr, tiger!”
I said and made an obscene licking gesture with my tongue.
“What is wrong
with you?” He turned and quickly headed to his computer. Having had my audience
walk out on me, I had no choice but to return to the kitchen and resume my
exploration into the liquor called Pisco.
Pisco is a type
of brandy that is fermented only in Chile and Peru. These two nations have been
feuding with each other for literally centuries over which one may claim to be
the original birthplace of the brandy. Pisco Punch, which is made of course
from Pisco, comes to us however from San Francisco, where it had the reputation
of being the most fashionable of that city’s cocktails in the late 1800. You
may also have heard of the cocktail called the Pisco Sour. It was invented in
Lima, Peru, and there appears to be no international kerfuffle over that fact.
I began my own
Pisco explorations by drinking it by itself, neat. Pisco Portón, the brand I
chose, is fine enough to drink solo; I can’t vouch for any rotgut Piscos one
might find at the local liquor store in the States or some roadhouse in Peru.
It’s got a kick
to it, this Pisco stuff! Reminiscent of grappa, it’s got a healthy burn when it
hits the mouth, but it immediately blossoms into a faint fruit taste – in this
case, the Muscat grapes, which serve as the liquor’s source. It goes down easy,
if you like it a bit rough. I mean to say, Pisco is a drinking person’s drink
when consumed by itself. It’s the kind of thing of which people remark, “That’ll
put hair on your chest.” I’ve been counting new ones on mine all week.
Pisco Neat:
Just pour a
healthy amount of room-temperature Pisco into a liqueur glass or brandy
snifter. I recommend Pisco Portón.
Ed Sikov is the
author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel
with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Monday, January 28, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: The Pickleback
“Are you pregnant?”
Dan asked me the other day.
“I’m not sure,”
I said through the chomp of a pickle – my third in so many minutes – “but I
rather doubt it.” It’s true that Dan and I have been experimenting sexually
lately, but I am confident that nothing we’ve tried would result in either one
of us having been impregnated.
“So what’s with
the pickle obsession?”
“I question the
word obsession,” I said after another satisfying crunch. “It’s not as though
I’m serving you pickle souffles or pickle-tofu casseroles.”
“You have
successfully turned my stomach,” Dan noted with a sour expression on his face.
I curtsied and headed back to the refrigerator for another pickle. “It’s
wintertime,” I yelled from the kitchen. “Time to eat preserves and pickles! I
think they’re supposed to have a lot of Vitamin C.” I pulled this theory out of
my, um, head. Hey, it sounded plausible.
“You pulled that
out of your ass,” Dan countered. “It’s more likely that you’re pregnant.”
I shrugged. What
difference did it make if I was hauling Claussen’s pickles home by the case?
There are worse vices, I thought to myself.
That’s when
inspiration struck: a pickle juice cocktail! I was elated. I’d just invented a
hip new drink! It would be an instant sensation – I’d be famous, albeit briefly
and only in limited circles. So I hurried to the computer, went online to check
whether indeed I’d come up with something new, and was immediately crushed to
discover that I’d been beaten to the punch. Apparently “The Pickleback” is
already a hipster hit.
The recipe is
quite simple, but it’s also needlessly exacting in its ingredients: A
Pickleback is a shot of Jameson Irish Whiskey followed by a shot of pickle
juice. Although it was only 4 o’clock on Sunday afternoon, I had to have one
immediately. Fortunately, we had most of a fifth of Jameson, and of course I
had more than enough pickle juice.
Usually I drink
Jameson – and all whiskeys, Scotches, and bourbons – on the rocks, but the
Pickleback demanded that the shot be served neat. I eagerly poured a shot glass
full of Jameson and a twin glass full of pickle juice. (I strained out the bits
of garlic and spices with a tea strainer.) I didn’t bring them into the living
room, knowing I’d just end up being the brunt of Dan’s mockery, but instead
downed both shots while standing at the kitchen counter. The Pickleback was
delicious! The smooth, sweet whiskey found its soul mate in, of all things,
salty-sour pickle brine! Who knew?
I’ve
subsequently experimented with other whiskeys and even bourbon; they all work.
Why the recipe specifies Jameson is unclear. It’s a great combination, but so
is Jack Daniels and pickle juice, Knob Creek and pickle juice, and so on.
My stealthily
created Pickleback, safe from Dan’s critical eye, enabled me to make another
one of them without his knowing, so I was a bit looped when I emerged from the
kitchen smacking my lips. Dan noticed my heavy-lidded eyes immediately. “Better
watch the hooch, honey,” he advised. “It’s not good for the baby.”
The Pickleback
1 shot of
Jameson Irish Whiskey (or any sweet bourbon or sour mash)
1 shot of
chilled, strained pickle juice (I recommend Claussen’s)
Down them in
order. Then make another set. Serve, of course, with pickles.
Ed Sikov is the
author of the e-book, The Boys' and Girls' Little Book of Alcohol, a novel
with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: The Rusty Nail
-->By
Ed Sikov
I’m still on a
chestnut-colored drink kick, long past the restoration of power after Hurricane
Sandy made it possible for us to drink cocktails on the rocks again. Dan and I
had been forced by circumstance to imbibe our drinks neat; we had no choice,
given that we had no ice. (Nor electricity, nor running water.) Since vodka and
gin tend to lose a little something when served at room temperature, we’d stuck
with Scotch, Jameson Irish whiskey and finally cognac as we grew increasingly
filthy and piggish in our safe, dry, but hygiene-compromised apartment. It’s
just as well
nobody climbed the 12 flights of emergency-exit stairs to visit us during our
confinement. We’d have sent them reeling with our reek (unless of course they
were into piggy stuff, in which case we’d have been fragrant sexual
superstars).
In any case, once
we were able to shower, shave and shop, I brought back to the apartment a
bottle of Chivas Regal and a bottle of Drambuie, a liqueur made from Scotch.
Drambuie has a sweetish, resinous quality to it. It’s unctuous in the best
sense of the word. But a little goes a long way, which is why the Rusty Nail is
such a delightful cocktail. You get the best of Scotch – peaty, smoky, and
strong – and the best of a good complementary liqueur all in one wee glass. Or
not so wee, as the case may be.
Rusty Nails are
a 9 to 5 drink, meaning not the raucous Dolly Parton song of that name but the
proportions: 9 parts Scotch to 5 parts Drambuie, or so a popular website
advises. Oh, gimme a friggin’ break! Who on earth either mixes such a vast
Rusty Nail or calculates the math for a normal-size cocktail? For you sticklers
out there, that’s 1.8 parts Scotch to 1 part Drambuie. Phooey!
To top it all
off, this inane proportion makes a far too cloying cocktail. If you want to sip
a bonnie Drambuie, do. But if you want a good Rusty Nail, I advise a smaller
proportion of liqueur to Scotch. In fact, I make my Rusty Nails by pouring a
healthy amount of Scotch into a glass full of ice (or, if you’re making a round
for a crowd, into an icy cocktail shaker) and adding just a thimble full of
Drambuie for each drink.
One of the side
benefits of the Rusty Nail is that you don’t need to invest in a top shelf
Scotch. Let’s face it: You’re adulterating the Scotch by adding a liqueur,
albeit one made of Scotch. So there’s no reason at all to splurge on a fine
single malt only to kill its well-crafted flavor notes with a foreign
substance, however delicious that substance may be. I chose Chivas, because I
didn’t plan to use the whole bottle on Rusty Nails. But if I were you, I’d just
as soon go with a good, drinkable blended Scotch like Ballantine.
The Rusty Nail
(classic version)
1.8 parts
blended Scotch
1 part Drambuie
The Rusty Nail
(my variation)
2 parts Scotch
1/4 part
Drambuie
Pour both
ingredients into either a glass full of ice and stir; or, for a crowd, pour the
contents into a cocktail shaker full of ice and shake, then decant into Martini
glasses.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
alcohol cocktails,
Cocktail Chatter
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Cocktail Chatter: Without Ice, Part 2
When last we
left our fearful columnist, he was attempting to transliterate his wretched
Harry Beaton imitation into print. Harry, of course, is the character from the
musical Brigadoon who threatens to leave the quaint, out-of-time village in
Scotland and therefore bring ruin to all who inhabit it. The subject, perhaps
needless to say, was Scotch – the whiskey, not the people of Scotland – and its
ability to be enjoyed without that critical electricity-dependent product known
as ice. The scars left by Hurricane Sandy include billions of dollars in
reconstruction costs and this writer’s inability to get beyond cocktails best
served neat. I was traumatized, dammit! Cut me some slack!
Scotch served my
husband, Dan, and me well for the second and third nights of Sandy-induced
powerlessness. But by Evening Four, we’d both grown a little tired of even my
favorite single malt, Talisker. I’d been careful to stock the bar in the days
before Sandy swept in, and in retrospect, I think I’d been steered to the
Scotch department unconsciously by the name “Sandy”: “Now
all of ye come to Sandy here/ Come over to Sandy's booth!/ I'm sellin' the
sweetest candy here/ That ever shook loose a tooth!” (Guess that musical! I’m
sorry. I can’t help it.) So
we turned westward to the Emerald Isle.
No, I don’t mean
the National Rental Car desk at our nearest airport. I mean Ireland, people!
Leprechauns! The Stone of Scone! Joyce, Yeats, and Peter O’Toole! (As the great
John Waters once observed: Peter O’Toole? That’s as bad as Muffy O’Clit.)
Moving right along
… Dan grunted unpleasantly when I suggested another Talisker at cocktail hour
on the fourth evening of our forced confinement. We were down to eating
unheated canned soup and tuna salad without the celery or mayonnaise. (OK, call
it what it was: tuna straight from the can.) Our meal was grim, but cocktail
hour was saved by the bottle of Jameson just waiting for an occasion to be
opened. How I love the Irish!
Scotch, Canadian
and Irish whiskey are all distilled from fermented grain mash; grains include
barley, rye, wheat and corn, some of which are malted. (Malting involves
halting the germination process by drying the grain with hot air.) Each
nation’s whiskey has its own particular taste, though, not only because the
grain tastes different depending on the soil and climate of the country, but
also because of differences in each liquor’s aging as well as the type of grain
itself. Typically (though not necessarily), Scottish whiskey crafters use peat
smoke to dry the malt; characteristically – though again not necessarily –
Canadian whiskey is brewed from corn. Irish whiskey, of which Jameson is the
exemplar, is generally distilled from unpeated malt and has a faintly sweet
aroma and taste. It’s not as sweet as bourbon, but it’s distinctly sweeter than
Scotch.
Jameson, like
any good whiskey, can be enjoyed on the rocks or neat. Dan and I had ours neat
by necessity, there being no ice. There being no running water either, I might
add, the two of us had begun to – how shall I put it? – stink. Given alcohol’s
marvelous ability to kill germs, perhaps we should have swabbed ourselves with
Jameson, but that would have been reckless. So we each gave ourselves a “French
whore’s bath,” meaning a quick wipe-down with a washcloth dipped in the bathtub
we’d filled with water as a precaution before the storm hit. Later, we got into
a little – um, well – rank piggy action under the influence of the whiskey. My,
my, my! Who said smelly old dogs couldn’t learn new tricks?
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Cocktail Chatter: Without Ice, Part 1
By
Ed Sikov
“What did you
drink during the Great Blackout, Daddy?” It’s just too bad I don’t have kids!
If I did, they’d ask this crucial question around the age of 6, when their
dawning awareness of history’s imperative met their equally fresh-awakened
interest in their father’s love of a dwinkie. Maybe it’s just as well I’m
childless. In any event, Hurricane Sandy is beginning to fade into the mists of
the past, but your intrepid columnist is still musing on Sandy’s effect on his
cocktail hour. Hours. Days. Whatever.
As you may
recall, Dan and I spent the night the hurricane slammed ashore without
electricity drinking Kirs Royale while fondly remembering the superb casting of
the old sitcom The Mothers-in-Law, with two inimitable gay demi-icons – Kaye
Ballard and Eve Arden – playing the title roles. We could enjoy the Kirs Royale
only because the lights went out after we’d opened the champagne; our first
round was thus properly chilled. By the time we’d polished off the bubbly, we
no longer cared that it was nearing room temperature.
The ensuing four
nights and days without power would have been hell on earth were it not for the
fact that certain types of liquor can, and sometimes should, be consumed at 70
to 75 degrees. While others were scurrying around Manhattan buying superfluous
items like batteries and bottled water, I concentrated my emergency
preparations on procuring enough booze to see us through the storm and its
aftermath. That’s just a joke. Although Dan makes fun of the Spam I keep on
hand, the truth is that I’ve kept our apartment stocked with batteries, water,
canned goods, and candles and the equally mandatory liquor ever since 9/11.
Only on Day 2 of Sandy did I realize that our ice supply had
melted. Quelle horreur! Also: Duh!
melted. Quelle horreur! Also: Duh!
What doesn’t
require ice? Well, Scotch and whiskey for starters. We had more than enough on
hand to keep us toasted and toasty after the sun went down. The apartment was a
little chilly without our usual central heating, but after we each had a hefty
dram of The Glenlivet, we warmed up just fine.
Some Scotch
connoisseurs insist that the best way to enjoy the classic whiskey is not, in
fact, neat – at room temperature without the addition of a mixer – but with a
single ice cube. This delivery method is said to open the Scotch’s bouquet. I
think they may be right, but there’s something to be said for the pleasant kick
to the nose and tongue offered by plain, unadulterated Scotch. It grabs your
full attention in a way that a one-ice-cubed drink does not. It’s like smelling
salts, only pleasant. For this reason, I like to serve Scotch neat in a
big-bowled wine glass or brandy snifter.
Try it. Pour a
healthy jigger of your favorite Scotch into such a glass. Hold it between your
third and fourth fingers with your palm cupping the bowl so the heat of your
hand warms the contents slightly. Then shove your nose into the glass and
inhale. Ahhhhh! That’ll wake you up!
Snob that I am,
I prefer single malt Scotch to blends; I like the raw, individualistic
character single malts present to the mouth. The Glenlivet, Aberlour, Talisker,
Oban, Longmore, Strathisla, Redbreast…. They’re all quite delicious and run the
range from peaty to smoky.
These single
malts tend to be pricier than blends. The exception is Chivas Regal, the best
blend insofar as easy drinkability is concerned. (Then again there’s the rare
Royal Salute, a scrumptious blend that’s been aged for 25 years; I’ve seen it
offered on the Internet for as much as $179.99. It’s not surprising to learn
that Royal Salute is made by the bonnie folks who produce Chivas.) So next time
you find yourself in the path of a hurricane, make sure you’ve stocked some
Scotch. Ye can tell your wee bairn that – och! – ye was prepared for the
blackout, an’ it dinna faze ye at all.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Cocktail Chatter: The Hairy Navel
By Ed Sikov
Hairy navels
make my mouth water. I’m referring to guys’ belly buttons here, not the
cocktail. (I’ll get around to that in a minute.) I’d go so far as to say that a
hairy navel is my favorite part of the male anatomy. My fascination with fuzzy
abs far exceeds my interest in more obvious erogenous zones, and despite many
years pondering my own, I still have no clear idea why. Is my attraction to
men’s stomach hair rooted in the fact that women don’t have it? No. After all,
women don’t have penises, either. (News bulletin! Stop the presses! Your
intrepid columnist has just discovered something big!) And unlike some of my
gay brethren, I’m not averse to women’s bodies at all.
Another
explanation: Shirtless guys were all over the place when I was a kid, and I
eroticized what I could see. The locker room at the local swimming pool was a
terrifying space, so I avoided looking around as guys of all ages changed in
and out of their swimsuits. But out by the pool I could stare slack-jawed at
swim-trunked high school boys making out with their girlfriends in the broad
daylight. Those boys were hot! And the ones I most wanted to see up close were
those that had a fresh, new field of boy hair on their chests and stomachs. I
was captivated.
And TV offered
up a buffet of beefcake on a daily basis. I’d be watching some western when all
of a sudden some cowboy’s arms were being held behind his back and another
cowboy would walk up and rip his shirt open. I’d be riveted with delight,
especially if the guy had hair on his torso. Freud would have said that I was
displacing my desire for dick – that I couldn’t deal with what I really wanted,
so I sublimated that attraction into something less threatening.
I’ve been
mulling this over for a week now. Dan and I had dinner last Friday with a guy I
knew from childhood and his partner. Billy and I reconnected on Facebook, and
we met at a restaurant in midtown. The cocktail menu listed the Hairy Navel,
and I couldn’t help but order one. Dan was appalled.
“You’re kidding,
right?”
“I’m stone cold
serious,” I replied.
“He never orders
stuff like this,” Dan informed Billy and Dave. “What’s gotten into you?”
I found this
annoying. Yes, I do tend to reject cocktails that veer to the sweet side. But
cripe! Can’t a guy order a Hairy Navel without his husband making a federal
case out of it?
I responded too
personally, I admit: “Since you shaved your entire chest and stomach last
weekend without even informing me of the decision – and I do have a stake in
the matter – I decided to drown my sorrows in the only kind of hairy navel I’ll
get to taste for the next month.”
“Look!” Billy
suddenly declared. “No, look here!” Dave echoed. They each pulled up their
matching rugby shirts to expose two of the hairiest navels I’ve seen in a long
time.
“I’m a married
man,” I protested with not much enthusiasm. And wouldn’t you know? When our
server – clearly an aspiring actor, judging by his flawless physique – came
over with our check, he asked, “Is there anything more I can do for you?” and
yanked up his tight black T-shirt to expose one of the finest hairy navels I
have ever scene.
Narcisstic show-off. So hot. So unavailable. I tipped him 40
percent.
The Hairy Navel
1 oz. Absolut
premium vodka
1 oz. peach
schnapps
Orange juice to
taste.
Fill a glass
with ice, add all the ingredients, and stir.
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Ed Sikov
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Cocktail Chatter: Homemade ‘Smoked’ Salmon Elevates Dinner Parties
By Ed Sikov
This week’s column is about how a single great hors d’oeuvre can elevate an easy dinner party into something truly special. The most common mistake hosts make is trying too hard. Unless you’re really sure of yourself and have at least a full day to prepare for your dinner party, don’t set yourself up for failure by overextending yourself. Your guests want to relax and have fun, not be wowed by your culinary expertise. So don’t be afraid to make a big bowl of spaghetti (and use bottled sauce if you have to), get two bags of salad mix and some bottled dressing, and heat up a frozen pie. Put your energy into a “wow” appetizer: homemade “smoked” salmon.
First things first: stick a bottle of Absolut in the freezer. That’s your cocktail. You’re not a bartender, and your home is not a bar. You do not have to stock everything on earth just in case somebody might want a (insert name of cocktail here). Icy vodka is classy, especially when you serve it with something as delicious as this easy-to-make salmon.
Your local supermarket should carry “fresh” salmon; I put “fresh” in quotes because the salmon has almost certainly been frozen between sea and store. You want salmon filets, not steaks, and you need a pound or a pound and a half. You won’t be cooking this salmon but rather preserving it, so take a particularly good look at it before you buy it. If possible, smell it, too. It should be moist but not greasy or dry looking, and it should smell faintly like the sea. If it has a strong fishy odor or just plain looks bad, forget it; buy some cheese and crackers and make this recipe another time.
Buy a box of kosher salt. No, you’re not converting to Judaism; you’re merely going to be using coarse salt, and kosher salt fits the bill. Make sure you have a cup of sugar at home; if you don’t, buy some sugar, too. Now proceed to the tea department and look for Lapsang Soochong, a Chinese tea with a distinctly smoky flavor. If you’re lucky, they’ll have it loose-leaved in a tin; if not, you’ll have to buy teabags and cut the bags open at home. Buy some unsalted butter or whipped cream cheese and some party rye, and pick up a bunch of dill if it looks good.
Two days before your dinner party, mix 1 cup of Lapsang Soochong tea leaves with 1 cup of coarse salt and 1 cup of sugar. Place 2 layers of plastic wrap crosswise in a Pyrex loaf pan (or other nonreactive square or rectangular deep dish), and layer the salt/sugar/tea mixture with the salmon filets until you run out of both. Fold the plastic wrap over the top, weigh the fish down with a stack of small plates, and put the whole thing in the refrigerator.
The day of the party, remove the fish from the fridge, and – in the sink, because it will drip – separate the fish from the now-wet salt/sugar/tea mixture. Using a knife, scrape off as much of the mixture from the filets as possible. Do not do this under running water!You’ll lose too much flavor that way. So what if some specks of tea leaves remain on the salmon? Then, starting at the thin end of each filet, carefully slice them on a sharp diagonal – almost horizontally, really – so that you have nice looking slices about half an inch wide. Put the butter or cream cheese out on the counter to come to room temperature – it’s spreadable that way. Put the fish back in the fridge.
Right before serving, spread some butter or cream cheese on the party rye, put a piece of salmon on each slice, top with a sprig of dill, et voila!
This week’s column is about how a single great hors d’oeuvre can elevate an easy dinner party into something truly special. The most common mistake hosts make is trying too hard. Unless you’re really sure of yourself and have at least a full day to prepare for your dinner party, don’t set yourself up for failure by overextending yourself. Your guests want to relax and have fun, not be wowed by your culinary expertise. So don’t be afraid to make a big bowl of spaghetti (and use bottled sauce if you have to), get two bags of salad mix and some bottled dressing, and heat up a frozen pie. Put your energy into a “wow” appetizer: homemade “smoked” salmon.
First things first: stick a bottle of Absolut in the freezer. That’s your cocktail. You’re not a bartender, and your home is not a bar. You do not have to stock everything on earth just in case somebody might want a (insert name of cocktail here). Icy vodka is classy, especially when you serve it with something as delicious as this easy-to-make salmon.
Wild Copper River Salmo |
Buy a box of kosher salt. No, you’re not converting to Judaism; you’re merely going to be using coarse salt, and kosher salt fits the bill. Make sure you have a cup of sugar at home; if you don’t, buy some sugar, too. Now proceed to the tea department and look for Lapsang Soochong, a Chinese tea with a distinctly smoky flavor. If you’re lucky, they’ll have it loose-leaved in a tin; if not, you’ll have to buy teabags and cut the bags open at home. Buy some unsalted butter or whipped cream cheese and some party rye, and pick up a bunch of dill if it looks good.
Two days before your dinner party, mix 1 cup of Lapsang Soochong tea leaves with 1 cup of coarse salt and 1 cup of sugar. Place 2 layers of plastic wrap crosswise in a Pyrex loaf pan (or other nonreactive square or rectangular deep dish), and layer the salt/sugar/tea mixture with the salmon filets until you run out of both. Fold the plastic wrap over the top, weigh the fish down with a stack of small plates, and put the whole thing in the refrigerator.
The day of the party, remove the fish from the fridge, and – in the sink, because it will drip – separate the fish from the now-wet salt/sugar/tea mixture. Using a knife, scrape off as much of the mixture from the filets as possible. Do not do this under running water!You’ll lose too much flavor that way. So what if some specks of tea leaves remain on the salmon? Then, starting at the thin end of each filet, carefully slice them on a sharp diagonal – almost horizontally, really – so that you have nice looking slices about half an inch wide. Put the butter or cream cheese out on the counter to come to room temperature – it’s spreadable that way. Put the fish back in the fridge.
Right before serving, spread some butter or cream cheese on the party rye, put a piece of salmon on each slice, top with a sprig of dill, et voila!
Labels: gay Denver, MileHighGayGuy, LGBT Denver
Cocktail Chatter,
Food
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