Now that we can get married, LGBTQ people see the need to talk about money with their partner. Why’s it hard to talk about money with your significant other and how can you overcome that? Capital One found that 75% of Americans who have ever been in a serious relationship said setting financial goals with a partner is harder than going it alone. However, 63% prefer to manage household finances with a partner.
Let’s make talking about money easier.
Understand their money emotions
Before approaching a partner or spouse about money, understand that their feelings about money won’t mirror yours. Everyone carries baggage about how much money we earn, how much we have and what we can afford.
We tie our self-worth to our net worth and our income. If our net-worth or income is small or non-existent, we feel like we’re not contributing our fair share or that we’re a drag on the relationship.
Many of us grew up when it was bad to talk about money, suggesting that money is bad. We carry this belief into adulthood and pass it onto our children.
Approach the money talk with this understanding and empathy.
Blame Queer Money
To keep the conversation neutral, blame us. Tell your partner that you hear from us that couples should talk about money, that couples who manage their money together do better with their money.
If you bring up a recent incident with your financial situation or your current financial condition as the reason for this talk, your partner may not be receptive because they’re already upset.
Dream
When talking about money, focus first on the positive. People love dreaming and hoping for bigger and better things. Remember the last time you bought a lottery ticket? The best part was dreaming about what you’d do with your millions.
Start there. Share your biggest dreams. What is on your bucket lists? Where do you want to travel? If you could buy one thing regardless of cost, what would it be?
Beginning this way will start the conversation positively.
Talk about what you need to achieve your dreams
Once you’ve talked about your dreams, talk about what it will take to make them real. This exercise invites you to talk about what’s keeping you from your dreams.
Must you increase your incomes? Do you need to save more, spend less or invest more?
If approached properly, your partner will admit to or agree with the blockers keeping you from your dreams.
Figure out how to achieve your dreams
Finally, talk about what you’re willing to do to make your dreams come true. Even if you only work towards one dream, create a plan to move toward it. Start with small steps. As you progress and check-in with your partner, and then make bigger steps.
Talking about money shouldn’t be taboo or hard. As with marriage, the money conversation is new to us. That doesn’t mean we can’t do it.
We’re getting a lot of emails from readers concerned about their financial security and same-sex marriages under the current administration. As Certified Financial Planner (CFP), Brian Thompson of Brian Thompson Financial, says, “With so much uncertainty as to what the future holds for our marriage and civil rights, you need a comprehensive financial plan.” Below are extra precautions to include in your comprehensive queer money plan to protect you and your partner or spouse, especially at the end of your lives. These steps should be taken when you’ve decided with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, whether you learn that at 25 or 65.
Set up a joint tenant with rights of survivorship with your partner Put all your assets with you partner in a Joint Tenancy with Rights of Survivorship, also known as Joint Tenancy. Joint tenancy means that when one partner passes away, the other automatically and wholly owns of all their assets under the Joint Tenancy. A Joint Tenancy with Rights of Survivorship gives legal protection from other parties’, such as surviving parents or siblings, claims to your assets. Use Tom Doyle of New York City as a lesson. Because the proper legal measures weren’t taken, including marriage, Doyle may be evicted from the West Village home he and his partner, Bill Cornwell, lived in for 55 years. Doyle and Cornwell didn’t sign the legal documents that would’ve made them both equal owners of Cornwell’s house. Now Cornwell’s nieces and nephew are trying to take possession of their home. Common law marriage may save Doyle, as marriage would have, but a Joint Tenancy would’ve provided extra protection should a party claim his marriage void. Each partner should draft a will Each partner or spouse should draw a will that details the owner of your assets should you pass away. Unless you agree otherwise, your wills should inherit your assets to each other. In the unfortunate event that you both pass away at or about the same time, include a per stirpes clause. A per stirpes clause outlines the sequence of inheritors should the first heir not be alive. Per stirpes clauses are especially helpful for blended families with children from different relationships. Your wills should designate an executor to manage or oversee the division of your estates. Unless there’s a reason not to do so, each partner should be the other’s executor. Establish and annually confirm beneficiaries Update all the beneficiaries on all your accounts to match your will unless you and your partner or spouse agree otherwise. Beneficiary designations trump wills. Therefore, your will designating your current partner or spouse as the heir to your assets does not supersede beneficiary designations you assigned before your current relationship. This technicality catches many people by surprise. Therefore, we recommend verifying and updating your beneficiaries annually, as necessary, when you file your taxes and check your fire alarms.
Buy life insurance We often only think of life insurance when we start families, but today’s life insurance does more than help partners, spouses and family members when we pass away. One of many ways life insurance can help is that it protects against creditors. Debts won’t disappear when you pass away. Depending on the type of debt you have and your financial situation, your partner or spouse be left repaying your loans. Help them by getting life insurance to help pay off your debts after you pass away. Another valuable way life insurance can help is with your medical care. Healthcare can take as much as 30% of one’s retirement savings. Queer people who haven’t saved appropriately are at risk of not having enough money to pay for end-of-life care. Life insurance with an accelerated death benefit rider provides payments to cover medical care in certain “critical” circumstances. Consider purchasing long-term care insurance While we’re on the topic of insurance, most LGBTQ people should consider purchasing long-term care insurance(LTCI). LTCI is one of the more complex parts of medical care because it requires the physical labor of others. LTCI can range from help at home with basic needs, such as cooking and eating, to assisted living to help with a person's day-to-day physical well-being. Talk with your financial planner or healthcare provider. Designate powers of attorney Partners should designate each other as both financial and medical powers of attorney. A financial power of attorney appoints an agent, your partner, to manage your financial matters. A medical power of attorney designates an agent to take care of your medical needs. Both powers of attorney will be either durable or springing. A durable power of attorney authorizes your partner to immediately act on your behalf, including if you become temporarily or permanently incompetent or incapacitated. It does, however, cease when you pass away. A springing power of attorney authorizes an agent to act on your behalf only if you become permanently incapacitated, as determined by a medical doctor. It, too, ceases when you pass away. Establish living wills Both partners should establish living wills. Living wills outline medical wishes, including end-of-life wishes, if you can no longer speak for yourself. Your living wills should include whether you want to be resuscitated or designate DNR for “do not resuscitate.” You may, also, include specifications on the use of feeding tubes, respirators, dialysis and blood transfusions.
Gifting your partner or spouse clarity on your end-of-life wishes will make any end-of-life decisions they must make a little easier.
