Showing posts with label StevieB. Show all posts
Showing posts with label StevieB. Show all posts

Monday, October 22, 2018

Nice to see StevieB: Denver

By StevieB

I had to finish my paper for my “History of Denver” class. Yes, I feel that this choice in class was a softball class. I had a choice from the Denver history, or the entire history of Islam. I really should have learned more about an entire part of the globe, filled with rich beauty, and religious meaning. Nah, I chose Denver history. This was driven by the deep desire to be that dude who can bore you to death by tales of historic buildings in downtown being the first department store, or why there are no Asians in Denver.

Funny story. Denver was founded by a group of Racist bigots. Racist bigots whom hated everyone and everything. That was my paper….. How white men are assholes. This is why I won’t take any American history classes because I just turn every paper into a non-stop manifesto of why straight-white-men suck. I didn’t think this class would be the same…. It is.

My paper was about the Anti-Chinese Riot of 1880. Yeah…. Already you know where this is heading. Apparently the Denver working class got tired of compete for the small supply of back-breaking labor jobs in laundry sweat shops. Also they felt threatened by a mixed culture of eating establishments. So… in October 1880 a mob gathered and destroyed Denver’s China Town.

On a side note, I always wondered why Denver doesn’t have a China Town, I also wondered why there was not any cultural diversity in the city. Now I know. We’re assholes. Murdering assholes, as the riot led to the deaths of Chinese minority business owners. This is why.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Nice to See StevieB: Alltrack


By StevieB

When thinking about saying goodbye to my Wrangler, I had trouble walking away. It was like being in a relationship where you only see the thrills even though you know they're treating you wrong. Yes, the fuel pump had to be replaced multiple times; but it was sexy sitting in a trailhead's parking lot. Sure, the oil seemed to disappear every three weeks, but I could drive over any shopping center's curbing. Which is truly the best measure of the American males' ego. There comes a time; however, when even in the most dysfunctional of relationships you eventually wake up to the fact that you are putting more effort into it than you could possibly get back.

My main motivation in replacing my Jeep is how sexy-cool a new car would compare in its level of coolness in trailhead parking lots. This is why I chose the VW Alltrack. It just oozes off roady snobbiness. Yet snowflake uniqueness

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: The Philosophy of She/Her

By StevieB

This semester I am taking a Feminist Philosophy class. Now, I guess I should of read the description, not that it matters, but I guess I just assumed its content.

I was overly excited to finally take a class on feminist philosophers. Meaning the study of philosophy via a feminist lens. Like the collective works of Hypatia of Alexandria and Ayn Rand.  I didn’t really read the fine-print the (philosophy verses philosophers) part of the title. However, I am very delighted with the surprise. The readings of proto-utilitarianism ideals, mixed with gender equality getting their foundation in the 1700’s is quite cool to see unfold throughout time.


Also, this is the first class that I am actually connecting with and feel comfortable interacting.  In the typical class I am the large bear squeezed into a desk/chair, A Chesk, if you will, usually twenty years older than the other students. While in this class I am still over twenty years older than my classmates, they actually have smart, and witty opinions to share. The tiny gay boy, eighteen years old,  that sits next to me has his own YouTube channel dedicated to make-up and making one’s own gender neutral clothing. He literally says literally every-other word, but he’s engaging and asks incredible questions.


Another reason why this class is great is that it’s held in the Philosophy Department’s conference room. No chesks, just a long table with sixteen open, and interested individuals. The only hiccup is Clara. Clara is the self-appointed political correctness thought police. She attempts to remind us that trans individuals need to have open gender-role labels. When turning this to me, it was followed by me explaining that the dude I was referencing at the time had self-disclosed male pronouns, and his own trans experience did not need to be defended. Clara admittedly doesn’t know any trans individuals, but wants to make sure we get the pronouns right. Good for her.

 

All-in-all I am happy for this class. It makes me want to change my major, again, to gender studies. Then I’ll be able to say that I am thirty years older than my classmates as I will never actually graduate.

Monday, October 1, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: The Astral Plane of Chinese Delivery

By StevieB

Yes, we probably order Chinese food too often in our household. By, this I mean we have Chinese delivered about twice or three times a week. This comes from the fact that Grub Hub has our standard order, from the same place on record. It just seems the easiest thing to click a button on the iPhone and soon after have piping hot dinner on the kitchen bar. All this whilst the spinach leafs slowly turn brown in the refrigerator. Death comes quickly to spinach as the intent to make butter chicken dies. 

The odd bit is the delivery driver. I assume he’s an INFJ or first year Hufflepuff. Or maybe he’s magical. Now I have seen a lot of porn movies involving delivery drivers. I also have years of experience avoiding cooking and relying on a random stranger to bring me dinner. And yet, I have never had much experience with a possible inhuman, or maybe spirit-being delivery dude.

Here’s what happens.

When the time comes for the delivery, a soft thud, not unlike the sound of a fluffy bunny being tossed at out front door, can be heard. Then a text…. “Your food is outside…” opening the door is like if Santa came, but you didn’t have a chimney. No knock. No awkward interaction with a delivery driver. Just a text. I; of course, cannot leave this alone… To me, this was a challenge of see the delivery dude. A quest of interacting with the delivery spirit.

When the text comes, I started to quickly run to the window to catch sight of him. Like a kid looking for Santa. I only witnessed a half-primered, lowered Intra peel away from the curb. But, then I knew he could exist on the astral plane, if even for a small time. Then I waited inside, next to the front door. When I heard the distinct sound of General Tso's name-sake dish thumping against the door I pounced. Swinging the door open I caught just a glimpse of bleached anime hair zipping around the corner. “Run mystical delivery dude! Run like the wind!” I whispered as the smell of wontons filled my nose.

This is when I learned that I am not meant to meet my delivery dude. Even if I forced it, I may only destroy the magical sphere in which he exists. He departs the muggle existence, slips this dimension, as it should be… in an Acura with miss-matching wheels. As I scarf down my Moo-Shu chicken I re-read his communication. “Your food is outside” someday I might text back.

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: The Break Up


By StevieB

It has been close to two months since we broke up. Well… I terminated the relationship. I have felt free in a transcendent way ever since. I cannot explain how unhappy I truly was until I gathered the strength to walk away.

Okay, it wasn’t all that hard. But, after I ended it I began to realize what a time thief it was. I was somehow addicted to Facebook for all of my world information. Then… I was free. I deleted my profile and ran away. Ya’know? It was the best choice. Now, I’m sure I could blog about how the massive data sell-off that hit the news convinced me, as I am a person of mindful character. It happened around the same time and it was a small part, yet it was more about the obligations of connections to Facebook groups and friend lists. Mostly it was that I would no longer explore the web for new blogs and sites to discover. Yes, we know that blogging has long been killed off thanks to Facebook posts. Why write a page of experience when we can post on our page for our selective connections to comment? Facebook gives us a formatted list of discussions and opinions for better or worse. It is not exploring new ideas, it is tailoring your audience to your taste. It also sets up a battle field that makes us a hero to supporters whilst tearing those that dare to have an opposing opinion.

After the big delete, I find that I am exploring for my news again. I am going down nerdy rabbit-holes of nerd stuffs. Back in 2008 I had pages and pages of blogs and obscure content I followed. Did you know that Tumbr is still around??? Wow. Stunned.

Mike the roommate, who will always keep it real with me, says it’s because I get a rush of self-satisfaction (holier-than-thou) by being able to say, ”I… I don’t DO Facebook.” And, he is right about that. It feeds that special snowflake hipster that lives in side of me. He is a bitch. The old man in me says it’s nice to not bother with all that family and friend drama. Both sides are excited about exploring the web and not having it tailored and edited for me.



Monday, May 21, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: Dragcon


By StevieB

Did I mention that we went to Dragcon this last weekend? I understand how it could go unmentioned as there has been a lot going on. With my Mother’s death and finials week for school it sort of seemed like the red tape at the end of a sprint.

Dragcon is the Rupaul’s Drag Race convention occurring annually in Los Angeles. All things dragish are celebrated. For me it was a reward for ending this last semester of school. My final grades haven’t been posted, but I’ll reward myself for by passing grades now. We flew out a couple of days before the event started and took a trip to Hogsmeade, via the Harry Potter land inside Universal Studios, Hollywood. Where I drake my fill of Butterbeer, and rode all the wizarding rides.

 
Kim Chi; Good enough to eat
The drag-convention was absolutely amazing. I was able to have a picture taken with my favorite Queen, Kim Chi. And one of my all-time heroes in life, Michelle Visage. I follow Michelle on her podcast where she speaks a lot of good health via food choices and most importantly life choices. She’s quite remarkable in her life outlook. All-in-all it was a great time and I am grateful for the timing to come at the end of such a tumultuous period.











Monday, May 14, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: The Oil Rig Fire

By StevieB

An odd thing happens when you mention that your parent just passed. There is that phase where you hear your own voice confirm the fact, hearing that your Mom is dead. But, I’m more speaking to the reaction by other people. There is of course the expected “oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.” Which honestly goes a long way in my book. Let’s just acknowledge it and move forward. Yet, I have noticed another reaction. The reaction where the person I just shared the statement with, and I expect the acknowledgment, then goes into a long dramatic tale of how their parent too died, but in much more horrid and traumatic fashion. Like it’s a competition.

My favorite response to “How did she die?” is to steal a line from the Golden Girls “Fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf.” [pause] “She was eighty-three, how do you think she died?!?”

I am usually great at getting away from small-talk conversations. As I don’t really care for people, and I have found endless ways to avoid them. Yet, when someone is interrupting your story of how you learned of your Mothers passing to strut and fret their hour upon the stage, explaining exactly how long their mother of incontinent before being found dead with her thirteen year old cat Snoodle, there is no real escape. Now that you have a dead parent in common, are they free to dump their pent-up emotional baggage upon you? I say, no. Unless you’re asked.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: Cars

By StevieB

I am still vacillating on a new car. As I have been blogging for over ten years I can look back and see that I go through this phase every four years. Which, keeping a car for four years is actually incredible considering my history and eighteen year old level of instant gratification on everything in my life.

Sure the Jeep is fine, other than the fact that Mike, the bestie, who also is a certified expert Jeep mechanic, doesn’t want to fix it any more. I mean, his only replaced the fuel pump three times. In four years. But, now he wants to break up with my Jeep. So, now I have to decide what car will define me for the next four years.

Mike says that I don’t like a car unless it’s attached to a “holier-than-thou cult.” I need to drive a vehicle that has me standing apart from the muggle drivers on the road. Not fancy, like the BMW emblem on the hood would make me feel superior, to the contrary. He believes that my car needs to give me the same feeling that a freshly pressed vinyl album of an obscure alternative band (one you’ve never heard of) gives a bearded hipster. A hip-alternative (yet totally non-douchey) to the BMW, but just as snow flaky.

Yeah. He is totally right. But, he spends a lot of time around people and the relationship with their cars.

So, you would immediately think something like Mini Cooper or Subaru. They kind of have the same sensibilities as my Jeep Wrangler. Alter-hip-cool. This was what I thought until I sat at an intersection in the Boulder, Colorado. There were six cars around me, waiting for the light. All six were blue Subaru Outbacks. It’s like the city has a law to ticket non-Subaru drives inside the city limits of this up-market college town.

So it’s back to thinking about the Volkswagen Alltrack wagon. A sporty station wagon that is just sporty enough, yet station wagony enough to say, “Yeah, I drive a sport wagon. I’m so cool.. But I don’t need you to tell me I’m cool.” But, there are so many things to consider. Like will the bike rack on top look imposing enough. Like the Yakima Rack attached to the spear tire of my Jeep. Sure I’ve never used it, but, it looks like I’m a mountain biker.

After next weekend I really need to decide, God help me if my fuel pump goes out on my Wrangler. Again.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: The First Mother

By StevieB


It is tough having your Mother pass-away on the same day as Barbara Bush.

All media sources seem to have prepopulated new stories about how the life of this wife and mother impacted the country. A loving mother raising children who changed the world. A supportive wife, who stood by her husband for seventy-three years. All these tributes to the former first lady portray her as a throwback to an earlier and almost genteel era of America. This silver-haired matriarch of a political dynasty. Barbara Bush Who used her rule to enrich the family and country she served.

Yet, as the warm glow softens the loss felt by the passing of such an impactful mothering presence; you begin to question this loyalty to memory. Was she not the lady that ripped her red AIDS ribbon from her blouse before joining her husband on the podium at the Republican National Convention? Agreeing, that yes “Barbara Bush was a generous and smart and amazing racist who, along with her husband, raised a war criminal.”*

As the people around me are speaking of the life and legacy of a woman who brought safety, warmth, and enrichment into their lives. I struggle to not think of the warmongering. I search my mind for any time that is not a war on terror. When my Christian name was not replaced with "that Dirty Democrat." When handing over the book, "Loving Someone Gay" it is tossed into the trash. How do you remember a dedicated racist? A person who used racism as an artist uses paint upon a canvas. The art of racism instilled so deeply in her children, it would take years of new coursework to learn tolerance and compassion?

I can almost accept that she was a throwback to an earlier and almost genteel era of America. But, it is also the time when the "N" word was used with joyous passion. I can accept the warm and nostalgic retelling of a life in which the person weaving the narrative had a much different experience to mine. They must have never experienced the warmongering. The removal of the red ribbon. Or, simply, they have and are better at understanding that when an individual dies, you only speak of the good things.

So, rest in peace. Your legacy is secure.

* Randa Jarrar

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Nice to See StevieB: Purgatory

By StevieB 

If there is such a thing as Purgatory, in the afterlife, I know what my Purgatory will look like. If it is like the Catholics describe it; a place of suffering inhabited by the souls of sinners who are expiating their sins before going to heaven, then I can tell what it looks like.

My personal purgatory will be spent wandering around the prepared foods department of a Whole foods.

Hours are spent with me dazed and confused moving from one bar to the next. Approaching the soup bar to squish the ladle down in over-cooked chicken noodle soup, or white bean chili. Then, to the deli counter to gaze upon the chicken wraps. Starving for something, yet not sure how the normal people of the world make a decision in a sea of choices.

Last night, I approached the area with the intent to pick up dinner. The boyfriend quickly made some healthy choices, and disappeared. Leaving me to fend for myself. I had the look of an eight-year-old, who after hiding in the middle of a clothing rack full of women’s blouses, emerged to find his Mom, gone. I was alone in Hell Foods. I entered the Whole Foods convincing everyone around me that it was a “soup night.” Only to find none of the eighteen dozen soups to be quite right. Maybe salad…..? no. It was either malaise, or my fear of food commitment that sent me into the desert for a plastic-boxed food vision quest. 


What seemed to be hours later the boyfriend called out from the edge of the desert. “Ready?” He asked munching on kelp-kale fun crisps. I left with a tiny container of tomato soup. My soul still hovering over the olive bar.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: Keys to Success

By StevieB

I stumbled across a couple of studies over the weekend. They were the “how to be happy” or “keys to happiness” studies. Mostly I hate this type of mumbo-jumbo, but as I read, I quickly realized one scary thing. They were right. Every “study” had two major themes in my life. I hate it when the internets is right. Jerks.

Be positive
Are you overwhelmed by a sense of dread every time you try something new? Happy people focus on what is possible rather than dwell on the chances for failure. They look at the lighter side and find humor in every situation.

Work out
Consistently breaking a sweat. Exercise improves one's state of mind in part by affecting the body's levels of two chemicals: cortisol and endorphins. The adrenal glands of angry or scared people produce cortisol. This increases blood pressure and blood sugar, weakens the immune response and can lead to organ inflammation and damage. But working out burns cortisol, restoring the body's normal levels.

Click here to read more.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: Four-Eyes

By StevieB

After what seemed an insane amount of shopping, I have finally bought new glasses. This is my first pair of bi-focal lenses. And, it's the problem I'm having. I spend most of my day unable to see anything. I am constantly looking through the top part of my lens, designed for distance vision, to read and text. Then using the bottom section to drive. The optometrist did warn me, but really. At this point I would see better without glasses at all.

I will; however, keeping trying. But, if you see me without my glasses upon my face, you know not to inquire to their whereabouts. If you see me with my glasses on, I won't see you anyway. So I'll probably step on your foot. I'll apologize now.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: Choose a Drag Name, Kitties

By StevieB

There are countless ways to choose a drag name. Some of the formulas include the name of the street you grew up on, mixed with your first pet’s name. I truly believe the proper way to attach a name to that fierce inner drag persona you have is to use Google. 

More preciously google your local animal shelter and pull up the “Adoptable Cats” page. I’m not sure who is in charge of naming the plethora homeless kitties, but they are witty little people.  So, all you need to do is can down the kolumns of kitties. The left side is your first name. The right your last...


Who knows, maybe you could adopt a cat, that matches your sickening new stage name.  Welcome to the stage!! Linda Midge!!!!!!!!  

In Denver, Colorado you can start here...

Denver Dumb Friends League

Monday, February 5, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: Trapped in a Tiny Chair

By StevieBYesterday was the first day of class. I am pretty excited for this chapter of my eduction. I can now just choose the classes I want; meaning, I am only sitting in classes that I have an exceedingly high level of interested. First up is a class devoted to the Thirty Years War. One of my my favorite chapters of history. That time-frame in Central Europe between 1618 and 1648 when the Holy Roman Emperor (who was not holy, not Roman, nor an Emperor) Ferdinand II of Bohemia was crowned Holy Douchebag I by kicking some Protestants in the balls. This led Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden to be credited with starting that hair cut that every gay male has today. So, another reason we owe a debt to Swedish trendsetters.

The Professor of this class has stated he will stay away of the popular stories of 1600s and 1700s. Because If I have to hear one more lecture of the Restoration of the English Monarchy, I may puke. I kid, I kid. A bit. This class should be all French/Dutchiness.

The other class is Modern Philosophy. Which I thought was gonna be all Ayn Rand and debating Quasi-Realism to prove that I don't exist. But no Atlas Shrugging for me. Nope. Starting out we will be finding out that we think, therefore we...be. Sorry, René Descartes. It's fine, but your haircut bothers me. Seriously who wears bangs?? Outside of Zooey Deschanel. Both of these classes are in the older buildings on campus which means the class rooms are small and they sport those desks attached to chairs. This makes me feel like a circus bear stuck on a bicycle. I cram my large frame into the tiny chair and attempt to blend in with the muggle-sized co-students. This is a small price to pay however, to learn of Swedish war victories.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Nice To See StevieB: Spring Pooh

By StevieB

It is that time of year again. no, not Gymuary. Although that phenomenon is in full force. Is it just me, or is it every January that the "Circuit Bros" attempt to take over? They begin to lay dumbbells and water bottles on every bench they quite possibly use in all of 2018. You can walk into the free-weight section at your local gym, and feel that the rapture happened as there are nothing but a sea of towels, water bottles, and tiny dumb bells scattered around the area. God wants the fit. Apparently.

For me, this time of year happens twice a year. About two weeks before the next semester of school. I log into my school's bookstore website and see what books I need. Then I go to Amazon and see what I can buy cheaper online. 99.9% of the time, I get lazy, forget to order through Amazon and still end up at the University bookstore to buy my used/abused copies of needed books.

This Spring, I am taking Early Modern Europe History, and Modern Philosophy. The books for the history class are Fractured Europe, Luis XIV, The Thirty Years War, and ironically a book called Enlightenment. All of these are "required reading." I totally dig early European history, so I am super excited; because, that is the kind of nerd I am. 


The Modern Philosophy class has no books listed yet. Other than the famous The Tao of Pooh which I read cover-to-cover at least twenty times in my 20s. Until I left it on the seat of my best-friend's Fiero when it was repossessed. (The car-- not the book). So..... Literally I am going to re-read Winnie the Pooh in University. I wonder if I should ask Burt to replace my copy of Pooh that was lost in his Pontiac Fiero?

Monday, January 8, 2018

Nice to See StevieB: Starting Somethin'

By StevieB

Mike, my single and available roommate, and I share quite the great house. We think so, anyway. Great views, great kitchen. The only downside is that there is only a one-car garage. This, of course is not a point of contention as we have simply decided to swap out the garage on a monthly basis. On the first of the month, the other guy gets to start parking their vehicle in the tight garage. This morning was the first full day for my Jeep to be snug inside, whilst Mikes Sportage had to bare the freezing temps. At precisely 5:14AM I heard Mikes super-fancy toothbrush spring to life through our bathrooms’ common wall. I am not sure why his electric toothbrush is so frickin' loud, But maybe the more money you spend on a toothbrush the louder it is to instill a sense that it is doing a great job.

Since I knew that in seven minutes time, Mike would come bounding out of his bedroom, insert toast into his mouth and make for the door, I thought I would treat him. Grabbing his keys I made my way to my bedroom window. I saw Mike's car sitting out in the cold, shivering in its first night in the frost and snow. I pressed the Remote Start fob on his key chain.... excited about how happy my best friend will be when he is greeted to a warm car.

Nothing.

Well, his fob is different than mine... I kept pressing it over and over. The car just sat there; un-started.

I examined the key fob....."G-enie" was the logo upon it. "Funny, Genie makes garage door openers AND remote starts?" This is when I glanced over and noticed that the garage door was making yet another round of its fiftieth open and down sequence. Turns out Mike does not have a remote start on this car. I carefully returned his keys to the kitchen bar and continued my morning routine perplexed what happened to his remote start... thingy. 


Turns out he has not installed a remote start on this car yet. Since he buys cars so often, serves him right to have a cold car.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Nice to See StevieB: Jeep Steve

By StevieB

I have been thinking about buying a new car. Although it seems I just bought my Jeep Wrangler, it’s been four years. It boggles my mind to type that four years have passed since my Jeep was brand new. I love my Jeep, but the itch for a new vehicle grows larger with each passing day. I mean, I would keep my knobby tired, super cool friend forever. But, change is also good. What is catching my eye, you ask? Well, something that is the furtherest thing from a Jeep; a VW Wagon. The Alltrack, actually. But, yes. It’s a station/estate wagon. About half the size of the Wrangler.

For some odd reason station/estate wagons appeal to me. The sport ones anyway. There’s this cool. I don’t care what you think vibe. Kind of like a Jeep. Just in a different direction. Other than the Douche Bro. aspect people attribute to a Jeep in traffic.

I guess I should go test-drive the Alltrack again and make sure I can live the next four years sitting so low in traffic. And whether I can give up that butch feeling that comes over me when I enter Chessmen Park in a 4X4.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Nice To See StevieB: I’ll Never Forget You!

By StevieB

I broke down and bought a new phone. No, not the IphoneX. There’s something unsettling about the face recognition thing. But, that is a delusional blog post for another day. I really had to buy a new iPhone because of the huge mistake I made upon buying my old phone. A 6S+ with a tiny amount of storage. Dumb I know. This meant not being able to have any apps on my phone, like the Blogger app. After a daily pop-up stating I couldn’t take a picture because my storage was low, I went to the Apple store. Now I’m all about the 8+. With the largest storage they offer.

The hardest part was the giving up on Michael Phelps.

See... back during the London 2012 Olympics, I saw American swimmer, Micheal Phelps for the first time. Every time he casually entered the swimming facility, he was sporting Sol Republic head phones. I ran out and bought a pair. I’ve been wearing them ever since. But..... the new phone doesn’t have a headphone jack for the cord; It’s all Bluetooth. Yes, there’s the adapter. But, it’s not the same. Also yes, during the Rio Olymics, Phelps wore wireless headphones. But, the impression was already made.

It’s time so say goodbye to my Sol Republic headphones. The era has passed. Goodbye old friends. I’ll sport wireless Bluetooth and think of the glory days.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Nice To See StevieB: Christmas Adjacent

By StevieB

I attempted to build up some Christmas spirit yesterday by heading to the local Town 'n Country garden center turned tree lot. The place personified Christmas, the hot husbands in their best Carhart buzzed away on chain saws, whilst the sister wives supervised the older children. All were adorned in themed sweatshirts smeared with felt Santas and reindeer made in church crafting circle. I was there not to buy a tree, but to smell the evergreen (which alway makes me hum Barbara Streisand) mountainy scent in an attempt to spark the pilot light of spirit down in my dark cold soul. I'm completely lacking in spirit this season. Completely.

I did, however; get a handmade evergreen wreath for the front door. I decided that commitment to the whole decorating thing was too much, yet a gourmet wreath would be Christmas adjacent. Nothing like a 40 buck circle of tree limbs to mark the season.

As the sixteen year old girl rang up my over priced ring of forest scented loveliness, she asked if I needed my receipt. My response was that I did because I may want to exercise my right of the thirty day return policy and bring back my wreath in January. The stunned silence on the girls face was just enough to launch my weary soul into the feastavice season.

Fa-la-la-la.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Nice To See StevieB: The Annual Christmas Rant

By StevieB

Ahh, December 7th. It’s time to gather around and listen to Uncle Steve’s annual Christmas rant…..

WHAT THE F*#K DO PENGUINS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!?!?

Have you seen the inflatable, glowing Christmas crap that everyone displays on their front lawns? Big billowing snowmen, elves, and insidiously happy penguins. Seriously, What the heck to penguins have to do with Christmas?

At night it’s quite a cute little scene. A winter wonderland all blown up and bopping around to the forced air whooshing up their butts. During the day it’s another story, driving through any upscale neighborhood it's a reenactment of Jim Jones goes to Christmas town. Dead, flat elves and snow people scatter the lawns like a mass suicide cult hit the North Pole. A massacre of merriment. One half-inflated penguin dragging its self off the lawn coughing out,  I only live in Antarctica and parts of South America why am I even here?

Aaaaaaaaaghh!”