Tranifesto: Small-Town Transition Blues

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I’m a 16-year-old trans guy, and I came out to my mom two months ago, and my dad one month ago. They haven’t rejected me (I knew they wouldn’t), but they’re not on board with thinking of me as their son, and probably won’t be in the near future. My mom e-mailed a gender therapist recently, so I’m looking forward to my parents getting a ‘professional opinion,’ and so I can finally talk to someone who speaks my language.

“Some problems are: I don’t know how (or when) to come out to my siblings. My brother is 13, and looks up to my 18-year-old sister. My sister has treated me like less than a human being for my entire life, probably from deep jealousy that started when I was born, and I’m finally letting go of the belief that if I tried hard enough, she would show any emotion resembling love toward me. She’s leaving in the spring, and if I came out to her before that, she would probably out me to our school, and subsequently our town.

“My town has a population of 400, with less than thirty people in my high school and with two other students in my grade. I’ve lived here my whole life, and have despised it for just as long. I need to transition as soon as possible, and the only way I can think of to do that is to move to a big city, and since I’m a minor, I can’t just go and get an apartment and a job in Portland and start testosterone on my own.

“I feel guilty about wanting to ask my family if we can move, since I only have a year and a half of high school left. I also don’t want to put them through a lot of stress if I ended up coming out in this town, which is what I would need to do if I had to spend my senior year here.

“So, do you have any advice for getting my brother on my side, without him getting thrown into the middle of differing opinions within my family?

“How can I convince my parents that living this female lie is so debilitating that I can’t keep it up for even another year, and if I had to stay in this town, I would probably sink into a very deep, deep depression?

“And this isn’t as important, but I’ll ask it anyway: do you think me acting masculine on some days and effeminate on others would confuse them, or that they would have a harder time believing I’m male?”

Tranifesto: Losing My Masculinity

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I’m a 22-year-old FTM transgendered man and I’ve noticed over the last year that I don’t feel like much of a man anymore – not so much in the way that I regret transitioning or doubt my gender identity as a man, but instead it’s more like how I hear many older men describe their midlife crisis. What do you do when you lose touch with your inner masculinity? And how do you get it back?”

One of the things that I have found with both trans men and trans women who have medically and/or socially transitioned – but certainly not with all of us – is that, when we first transition, we tend to express what might be considered to be hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine behaviors for our culture.

Then, after we get used to living in the gender of our identity, these outer behaviors and expressions sometimes (but not always) become more relaxed and we tend to move back toward a “middle” or “center” point. I think it might be the same for inner feelings of traditional masculinity or femininity.

In Western culture, we have very specific definitions of what it means to be a man or a woman and what it means to be masculine or feminine. We also have strong cultural myths built around what those things feel like or are supposed to feel like.

If you ask a non-trans man what makes him a man or what makes him “masculine,” in many cases, he will say, “My penis.” That is a physical trait, not a feeling. Other men, particularly older men, might say, “I take care of my family,” or “I solve problems,” or “I run things,” or “I’m in charge.” Those are actions, not feelings.

So the “feelings” of masculinity are often described in terms of physical characteristics identified by the culture or of actions prescribed by the culture. I would venture to guess that the “feelings” of masculinity are just as elusive in some non-trans men as they can be in some trans men.

A “mid-life crisis” tends to come at a time when men are losing their physical stamina, including the ability to achieve and maintain an erection, and their social status, as those men who have identified themselves primarily by their career or occupation see younger, more energetic men moving in to take their place. But all of it is culturally defined.

Personally, I don’t think you should worry too much about losing touch with your masculinity. I think it will come and go, like it does with any guy. Some days (or even some years) you will feel more traditionally masculine, or more masculine by your own definition, and other days (or years) you will not. Sometimes you will notice it more, and other times you won’t think much about it.

Identity, including feelings of masculinity and/or femininity, also tends to shift over time. These shifts can happen based on personal experiences, relationships, and other things going on in your life. But I think it’s kind of like insomnia – the more stressed out you are about not being able to sleep, the less chance you will have of sleeping. And the more you concentrate on not feeling like a man or masculine, the more prominent those feelings will become.

If this is really a problem for you, though, think about what has historically made you feel like a man. Besides your innate gender identity, have there been certain clothes, behaviors, mannerisms, activities, or responses from others that have reinforced your feelings of masculinity? If so, try to move toward those things in your life. When do you feel most like a man? Try to identify what contributes to that feeling and then try to incorporate that into your life with frequency.

But don’t beat yourself up, because, as I said before, this will possibly come and go throughout your life, as I think it does with most men. And think about what my therapist once told me: “The kind of man you are is the kind of man you are.”

You don’t have to meet some culturally defined stereotype of masculinity. You are masculine simply by virtue of your being a man. So maybe the feelings you have right now are your feelings of masculinity or of being a man. Maybe they just don’t match what you think the cultural definitions are.

So try to relax and be yourself – you might eventually find that “yourself” is manly or masculine enough.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Tranifesto: The Mechanics of Masculinity and Manhood

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am struggling with what kind of man I want to be. What does it mean to ‘be a man’?”

When non-trans people ask me this question, I say, “It means not being asked this question, because you would not ask me this if I wasn’t trans.”

But when trans guys ask me this, I have a much more thoughtful response. The problem is that “being a man” means different things to different people, and that meaning is affected by culture, society, family, age, and a host of other variables.

“Having a penis” is a common response from non-trans men, but that is so simplistic (and inaccurate) that it really doesn’t warrant a lot of discussion. Suffice it to say that if a non-trans man’s penis was damaged or disintegrated – by an illness such as cancer, an injury, or an accident – he would still be a man. If one (usually small and rather fragile) appendage is all that defines a person as a man, then his manhood is shaky indeed.

Your culture, the society you live in, your family, and your generation also define manhood for you – at least with regard to expectations. But these are ideals that have been crafted based on certain norms that can actually change over time depending on what a culture, society, family, or generation needs of its men at that moment. So you have some models out there, but they only work if they feel like a good fit to you.

In my opinion, it’s far better to create your own definitions. Instead of asking “What does it mean to be a man?”, ask “What does it mean to me to be a man?” And you’re the only one who can answer that.

One of the good things (and there are actually quite a few) about being trans is that you get to create and recreate yourself. You get to decide who you are and who you will become, and you can make whatever tweaks you want to.

It can be difficult because, in many cases, you have spent so long denying who you really are. That can make it tough to uncover the real you that lies underneath the facade that you have worn all your life. But the exciting thing is peeling away the layers and finally discovering that person. And that’s when you can start piecing together the man you want to be.

There’s nothing wrong with looking at men out there who you admire and deciding that you are going to emulate them or adopt certain qualities they have that you want. There’s also nothing wrong with creating your own brand of manhood from the ground up. Early in my transition, my therapist said, “The kind of man you are is the kind of man you are.”

I think that pretty much sums it up. What it means to be a man is what it means to you – period. To say that there is a right way or a wrong way to be a man is like saying that there is a right way and a wrong way to be a person. The only “wrong” way to be anything is to be something you’re not.

Ask yourself this: “Who am I and who do I want to be?” Then work on making that person – that man – a reality. Here’s a past post that might be of interest: What Does Being a Man Mean to You?

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.