Friday, February 24, 2012

Ask Eric Anything: Am I being U.S.E.D?

By Eric Kehela

Ask Eric Anything's Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.” 


Dear Advice Columnist,

The guy I have been seeing for the last two years is also seeing someone else. He seems to have equal affection for both of us, and divides his time between us. We both know about each other, but we don't know each other well and we rarely run into each other.

My problem is that I don't feel as if he's being honest with either one of us, and I feel as if I'm waiting for something that will probably never happen. I really would like a monogamous relationship with him – I would like to be "boyfriends." But the whole situation is very confusing.

He has not made a commitment to me, and as far as I know, he has not made a commitment to this other guy, either, but his actions and his words don't mesh. He thinks he's being honest by saying that he doesn't want a commitment right now, but every time I try to move away from him – to let him go and get on with my life, to find other dates, to become interested in someone else – he shows up, wanting to spend time with me, have sex, spend the night, and say and do romantic things that lead me to believe that he has a serious interest in me.

However, when I try to go with what appears to be his interest, then he's off with this other guy and says, "I've been honest with you. I've told you that I don't want a commitment." From what I can gather, he's doing the same thing with this other guy.

We both want to be his "boyfriend," as far as I can tell. I feel as if he's playing both of us, but I can't seem to let go – especially when the sex and romance increase as I try to back off from it all. What should I do?

Signed,

Unsure, but Susceptible to Egregious Duplicity



Dear U.S.E.D.,

Open relationships can be quite tedious. You need to ask yourself, “Is he good for me?” It appears as though you want to settle down while he wants to play well with others (you should also take into consideration whether his extracurricular activities are putting you at risk). 

The best thing you can do is what you did previously. Step away. But this time, don't go back. To be in a relationship, both parties must be of stable mind, body, and spirit - without this kind of imbalance. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them, if not moreso. 

You are no one’s puppet or toy. You deserve respect and the right kind of attention. With all respect, since you know he’s doing this to the other guy, you need to let him go. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in his illusion. If you want a man that can commit, you will have one. You must let go of what no longer serves you. If it helps, when you think of him, repeat this mantra in your mind, “I bless you, I honor you and I release you.” In essence you are blessing him for being a part of the world, you are honoring him as a person and a soul, and you are releasing him from your psyche. Repeat this mantra as many times as you need to until you finally feel it and mean it. You need to move on so you can welcome new love into your life. And you need to avoid being caught up in these kinds of relationships in the future. They may be “fun” but the price you pay isn’t worth the years they have cost you. 

Don’t you want to feel whole and satisfied in the relationship? All you need to do is look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself that you deserve more. You deserve to be loved, wanted the way you love so passionately and wholeheartedly. Ask yourself, “Don't I deserve better?” 

You know deep within yourself what it takes to make your heart truly sing. If this guy isn’t making-the cut, I say vote him off the island! My mom always says, “Why take the taxi when you can take the jet?!” Think about it and know your inner truth. Involve yourself with he who has no hidden agenda. And since you asked, I’m telling you that you should be enough for him or anyone lucky enough to have you in his life. Do not compromise who you are or what you want. Remember, no one can use you without your permission. Keep your heart open as you start anew. Be in joy and be in love always. Your twin-flame awaits your call. 

Be strong, think positive and know that you have all the tools you need to overcome this. I support you!

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree  in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.