Tranifesto: An Interview with Ryan Sallans

By Matt Kailey

While Nebraska might be a nice place to visit (or drive through on I-80), it can prove intimidating for trans people who are all too familiar with the murder of Brandon Teena near Humboldt.

But now a positive story comes out of the Heartland (and the state of my birth). Author, speaker, activist, and trans man Ryan Sallans introduces his new memoir, Second Son, detailing his both his struggles and his triumphs growing up, transitioning, and remaining in the Cornhusker State.

“I felt that perceptions around Nebraska needed to be changed and Heartland voices needed to be heard,” he says.

Below, he talks about his book, his eating disorder, his relationships, and what’s in store for the future.

Matt Kailey: You have been a diversity trainer and consultant since early in your transition and prior to writing Second Son. How did that come about, and what made you decide to be out as a trans person instead of to transition and assimilate into mainstream male culture?

Ryan Sallans: I was very fortunate to begin my transition and career working as a health educator with a non-profit agency. It was through my work educating communities, and my experience being profiled in the LOGO network documentary Gender Rebel, that I found the importance of sharing stories.

I didn’t plan to “out” myself and use my story as an example, until one day when I was working with some counseling students and they all were looking at me with the same expression, which I knew meant they were thinking, “Why is this guy doing this topic and how does he know so much?” I decided to let go of my filter and “out” myself, which then turned my training into a whole new experience for the audience and myself. 

I always work with terminology and society, but then open it up to my story because I feel putting a personal face to a word, label or identity makes the concept real. Being vulnerable with an audience and allowing them to ask me anything allows them to let down their guard and open up their minds to the reality and spirit of a transgender identity.

Throughout my life I have always chosen careers where there is a deep passion attached to it. Even though being out can be scary, threatening and draining, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Ryan Sallans

MK: Please talk a little about the body issues that you discuss in your book with regard to the body-consciousness that you had as a teenager and how this was influenced by the culture and by your own gender issues.

RS: Growing up, I didn’t have the word “transgender” or the imagery of what that looked like to describe the discomfort that I had with my body. The only words I had to describe my discomfort were “fat and ugly.” Instead of recognizing that my body’s changes were a normal part of puberty for a female, I saw the changes as threatening. I believed that with each curve I gained, I became physically weaker and even more unattractive.

I kept hiding my body under baggy clothing and became obsessed with working out because all I wanted was for my body to be lean and muscular. I didn’t want to be seen as a sexual being. I wanted to be seen as a person dedicated to health and fitness. As I carried this dysphoria toward my sexual body into college, I took on behaviors that led me into anorexia. 

I knew throughout high school and into my freshman year of college that I felt very self-conscious about the size of my body. This was partly influenced by what we see on the television and in magazines, but those were only affecting surface issues. The deeper issues surrounding my gender identity weren’t exposed until I was in recovery and extensive therapy.

MK: You had a serious eating disorder prior to transition. Can you talk a little about how this eating disorder was related to or affected by being trans? In your interactions with the trans community, have you found that eating disorders are prevalent in certain segments of the community and is this a concern that we haven’t addressed?

RS: I didn’t have the awareness of being transgender while I was struggling with my eating disorder. I just knew that I felt uncomfortable and that my body didn’t represent who I was, but I didn’t know at that time that part of my identity was male. I do believe eating disorders are prevalent in the transgender community.

Sadly, there is very little research on this topic, but what we have been observing is that anorexia is very common among trans women who are trying to constrain their size and are fearful of muscular development, whereas anorexia and overeating are seen in the trans man community, either to starve the body of its curves as well as end the menstrual cycle, or to hide the body under layers of weight, which then serves as a protective surface against one’s internal identity. Along with eating disorders, the increase is self-injurious behaviors is also very concerning.

MK: One thing that a lot of transitioning people worry about is finding a romantic relationship. You had some problems with this as well. What did you learn from your past relationships and what advice do you have for transitioning people who have concerns?

RS: The most important thing we should do is honor who we are over any other person’s wishes. After my transition began, my first relationship went through some extremely troubling times, which included a separation. As we struggled, I kept trying to change myself to hopefully make my girlfriend more comfortable with me and my transgender identity. This isn’t the right approach because denying who I was only made me more uncomfortable in my skin.

If a relationship is meant to last then both of the people will not change core aspects of their identity for the other. Picking up your clothes off the floor and washing dishes after eating are things that we are able to change, not our gender identity or other aspects of who we are as a person. Relationships are out there, but they aren’t something we should be seeking when we aren’t able to love ourselves first.

MK: Your transition caused a strained relationship with your family, another concern for those in the process of transition. How is that relationship now? Do you have any advice or suggestions for others with similar concerns?

RS: The first thing we need to have is patience with our family members. This is a process for them, just like it is for you. Allow them to take the time to explore their own feelings and seek the answers to their questions and concerns. If you are starting to see an effort in the way they are interacting with you, keep that momentum going. If they continue to stay verbally or physically abusive, or if you find yourself completely drained and depressed after being around them, then it is best to just unplug from them.

Pay attention to the relationships in your life that give you energy and make you feel accepted and loved. When you unplug it doesn’t mean that you cut all ties off from your family, it just means that you aren’t allowing their reactions or opinions to have power over you anymore. The stronger you become as an individual, the easier it will be to handle family. It’s also okay to cry when you feel the urge to do so. 

I’ve accepted with my parents that although we are at a point where I can be around them, they’ll never be the parents I’d ideally like them to be (but I guess they could argue I’ll never be the child that they would like me to be). We operate in an adult relationship and lack the intimacy that I have with others in my life. I’ve gone through my grief and anger around these issues, and am now trying to move forward without the hope that they’ll ever “come around.”

MK: How do you feel about your body now? Do you feel that transition has completely resolved any issues that you had? In what way, why or why not?

RS: I have an eating-disordered brain, so no matter how defined I get I will never be fully happy with my appearance. It is just a part of who I am. The one thing that is different is that when I feel disgust toward my body, I don’t try to manipulate it through the behaviors I had with food in the past. It is a struggle, and something that wasn’t fixed by transitioning.

I find eating disorders fascinating because, in reality, an eating disorder is not about food. Food is just the tool used to cope with (or avoid) feelings. I don’t know how to deal with emotions except to first filter them through these old belief systems that I have related to my body. My brain has been structured in a way that can be very harmful toward me. This is something that I’m working on and will continue to explore as I age.

MK: Why did you write this book? Who do you want to reach and what do you want people to take away from the experience?
RS: I wrote this book because I felt like transgender individuals from the Heartland are lacking representation and a voice. When you look at our society, the only associations people have toward LGBT issues and the Heartland are the stories of Matthew Shepard and Brandon Teena. I wanted to help change that. I wanted to show people that you can be trans in other places besides big cities and liberal environments and still survive/live a fulfilling life.

I want to reach out to others that are struggling, like your book and other people in the trans community have done, and I also wanted to help those that are just curious to read about a life different than their own.

MK: Are there more books in your future? What are your continued plans?
RS: Yes! I want to explore some other areas related to trans issues, but I also want to get back into fiction writing and share the stories of lives in the plains of Nebraska. I have a book that I started writing in graduate school that ended up being my Master’s thesis in English. I plan to finish it within the next two to three years, and I’d love to see it published.

MK: What else would you like to say?
RS: If people find inspiration from my book, please consider visiting my website, www.ryansallans.com, and exploring my speaking topics for audiences ranging from academic, professional, and community. People can also follow where my book is going by visiting www.secondsonmemoir.com.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.