One of the worst fights that I have ever seen – besides on television and in Sylvester Stallone films – was when I was a junior high teacher many years ago. I was in the classroom during a break, and a student came running in, shouting, “Miss Kailey, Miss Kailey (that was my name then). There’s a fight in the girls’ bathroom.”
I was allowed to go in at the time, and what I found when I did was hair – hair, hair, everywhere, except on the two girls’ heads. They had literally taken handfuls of each other’s hair and yanked it by the roots from its moorings – and that was in addition to the pushing, shoving, and punching.
Physical fighting, long considered the purview of men, is actually not as gender specific as we think. I’ve been challenged to a fight twice in my life – once in junior high, once in high school, and both times by a female when I was a female. (If the girl who wanted to fight me in high school is reading this, I did not write that nasty thing about you on the wall downtown. I don’t know who did, but I had nothing to do with it).
Meanness, bullying, and other aspects of physical and emotional violence are not confined to boys and men. While there are various ways to be mean, and I believe that men, as a whole, tend more toward physical violence than women do (it’s the testosterone – and the socialization), meanness isn’t a “man” thing, and most men aren’t mean.
Now I have seen some mean non-trans guys in my time. But what is curious to me is that I have seen some trans guys become meaner as they transition, and I have seen some non-trans but “masculine”-identified women who seem to enjoy bully-type behavior – as if masculinity and meanness were one and the same, or as if, to be thought of as “masculine,” you have to be mean.
I understand the need for the powerless to try to take some power. And I understand the need for the powerless to try to establish some emotional and physical protection for themselves. I also understand that testosterone can change behavior.
But in some cases, I don’t chalk the increased meanness up to hormones, whether injected or naturally occurring. I think that we have a mistaken belief in this culture that “masculine” is better, that “tough guys” are manly men, and that, in order to be masculine – and thus better, stronger, tougher – you have to be mean.
I hope that we can change this view that is slightly askew, and convince both women and men, boys and girls, trans and non-trans alike, that nastiness is just that – nothing more. I hope we can change the attitude that to be emotionally and physically “tough” – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing in and of itself – a person has to be mean as well.
And I hope that we can eventually equalize various personality characteristics, so that we’re not glorifying those that we consider male and dismissing those that we consider female, which leads to the adoption of behaviors that are mistakenly seen as “masculine,” and therefore better.
Oh, and lest you think that the girls fighting in the bathroom many years ago were simply transcending gender stereotypes, guess what they were fighting about – which one was prettier!
Readers, what do you think? Have you seen any meanness lately?
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
