A reader writes: “I’ve recently started to question my gender. I’m trying out using one letter (like an initial) as my name and as my pronoun, instead of ‘him’ and ‘he.’ I first thought I was just gay, but I’m starting to think that I’m gender queer.
“How does someone live a gender fluid life? And at the moment, as I’m a man who is attracted to men, how would a gender transition affect my sexuality?”
While true gender fluidity is not my area of expertise, I know quite a few people who identify as genderqueer and/or as gender fluid. However, having friends who identify as such is not the same as being there myself, so I hope that we will hear from genderqueer and gender fluid readers.
I think that living as gender fluid can be done successfully. The people I know who are gender fluid are, for the most part, very happy and comfortable in their lives and in their identity. Any battles they face are with a culture that insists that they be one thing or the other and is not comfortable with ambiguity or uncertainty (and I have to be very clear here that it is the culture that is problematic, because the people I know who are gender fluid don’t feel ambiguous or uncertain – they know who they are).
Again, I’m not an expert on living a gender fluid life. I can offer some suggestions, and then ask readers to bring in their expertise. Here are my thoughts:
> Be who you are. Choose the clothing, hairstyle, and other gender expressions that are comfortable for you. Don’t be afraid to shop in the “men’s department” and the “women’s department” in stores. Use the mannerisms and vocal inflections that come naturally to you.
If you’re not sure what is natural for you because the people around you have certain expectations about who you are based on what they already know of you, go somewhere new and different – even for a weekend – and see how you act and who you are in unfamiliar circumstances around people who don’t know you. It might sound like a cliché, but let your “true self” emerge.
> Don’t worry about how to be genderqueer. The right way to express your gender is the way that is right for you. The people I know who identify as genderqueer are not alike, just like the people I know who identify as trans (or as anything, really) are not alike.
So don’t worry about what you are “supposed” to do to be genderqueer. Just do what feels right and give yourself the label that best fits – or give yourself no label at all.
> Forget about the gender roles and expectations that you have been socialized into. Don’t feel as if you have to comply with them, but don’t feel as if you have to reject them, either. If you have been socialized into certain “male” roles that you like, keep them. If they “sort of” fit you, adapt them. If they don’t fit you at all, get rid of them. You have a chance to create the life you want and the person you want to be by experimenting with what is and is not comfortable for you.
This does not mean that there won’t be roadblocks. I might be wrong, but I get the impression that you live in the United States, which is a very binary society. You will have to declare a sex – “M” or “F” – for your driver’s license, Social Security file, and probably your workplace, depending on the laws in your state.
You might have difficulty getting your friends and family to adjust to your chosen pronouns. You might end up doing a lot of correcting. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t respect your wishes. It just means that the reality is that they might have trouble doing so, and you might end up frustrated.
Also, depending on the laws in your state, your workplace might not have to comply with your chosen pronouns or your preferred restroom. And strangers will probably misgender you, because strangers will usually choose “he” or “she,” based on their own perceptions.
None of this means that you can’t live the way you want to. It simply means that the “outside world” might not always cooperate. You have to adjust to that the best you can.
With regard to your sexuality, you ask how a “gender transition” would affect it. I’m not quite sure what you mean here, but I’m going to take a stab at it and assume that you mean a transition from a traditional “masculine” identity to a more fluid identity. I don’t know if you intend any medical transition through hormones and/or surgery.
Once you start living as yourself, no matter how you reach that place, it’s possible that your sexual and romantic attractions could change, and it’s possible that they will not. Don’t worry about labels for your attractions.
I know a person who was born with a “standard” male body, identifies as genderqueer, and identifies as bisexual. I know another person who was born with a “standard” male body, identifies as genderqueer, and is in a long-term relationship with another individual who was born with a “standard” male body.
I don’t know what label this person uses for their (preferred pronoun) sexual orientation or their relationship, and they might not use any. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that, if you desire it, you find a person you are attracted to who is attracted to you.
We live in a culture that expects us to label our sexual orientation and then expects us to remain within the parameters of that label. If there’s any way that you can let that go, I would suggest that you try. Your sexuality is your sexuality. It doesn’t matter what label it has. It doesn’t matter if it changes. It just it what it is at any given moment in your life.
That’s how I see things. But again, there are others who are better equipped to offer advice in this area, so I hope that we will hear from them.
Readers? You’re on.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
