I took down two comments from my blog this week, something that I rarely do. The first one was a no-brainer – it blatantly violated my “no personal attacks” policy. The second one was debatable. I eventually took it down because, while it was civil, it contained language that was highly disrespectful of the majority of my readers.
But it took me a while to decide, mostly because of its amusement factor. The comment was on an older post and was from a self-described “bi female” who basically said that she would never date a trans person because trans people are not “real” men and women.
Now this is definitely not the first time I’ve heard this sentiment. Nothing original here. But part of my amusement is because I know quite a few gay, lesbian, and straight people who don’t consider bisexuality to be a “real” sexual orientation, and I also know a good number of gay, lesbian, and straight people who would never date a bisexual person. However, I do consider bisexuality a “real” sexual orientation, so I will let that one go.
But what I find most amusing about this proclamation, and all of the similar ones that I have heard over the years, is that publicly announcing that you “would never date a trans person” (or a person from any particular group, for that matter) brings with it a couple of underlying (and rather self-aggrandizing) assumptions.
The first is that we care. People who publicly proclaim that they “would never date a trans person” seem to think that it somehow matters to us that they won’t date us – that our feelings will be hurt or that they are punishing us with their rejection.
It appears that the only time they really want to say this is when they are interacting with trans people, either online or in person. I suppose it might be the topic of their conversations with non-trans friends, but it sounds like a pretty boring subject, so I can’t help but think that it is intentionally directed toward us in the hope that we will be properly chagrined – that we will actually feel bad about it. We don’t.
This segues into the second assumption, which is that we would want to date the people who feel the need to proclaim this. For us to actually care whether or not these people want to date us, we would have to want to date them in the first place. So the assumption has to be that we want to date you, and the only thing preventing that from happening is your refusal. Probably not.
I think that anyone has the right to date, or to not date, whoever they choose. If trans is a total deal-breaker, I don’t have a problem with that. We all have our own personal deal-breakers, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re bad, evil, shallow, phobic, or what have you. It just means that people have preferences. I completely support that.
But if you feel the need to publicly announce your deal-breaker, then it probably means that you are acting on the above assumptions – that the group you are rejecting actually cares, and that the members of the group you are rejecting would actually want to date you. Both of these assumptions are frequently false.
So if you’re worried enough about dating a trans person that you have to go on a trans blog and announce your intent never to do so, I have some suggestions that might help ease your mind. If you don’t want to date a trans person:
1. Don’t ask a trans person out.
2. If a trans person asks you out, say, “No, thank you.”
3. If you begin dating someone who later comes out to you as trans, say, “Sorry. That’s a deal-breaker for me.” Then don’t make another date.
Simple enough. If you have another deal-breaker group, just substitute that group’s adjective for the word “trans” in the above three suggestions. And once you’ve got these tips under your belt, sit back, relax, and stop stressing. We don’t want to date you, either.
I promise.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
