Denver Broncos Fever Dreams: Matching the Broncos With Their Pop Culture Counterparts

By Todd Craig

My father, as avid an athlete and sports fan as there has ever been, raised his boys with sports in the backyard and sports on TV.  And while I never mastered any specific athletic endeavor with any degree of proficiency, I did grow up with a passion for sports, athletes, and their stories.

More specifically, I grew up a fan of the Denver Broncos.

I was six the first time Denver went to a Super Bowl and lost.  I was a college freshman the last time they went to a Super Bowl and lost.  Broncos fans suffered for their cause. We were mocked. We were seen as lesser.  It was not cool to be a Broncos fan.

And then, just as time was running out on the career of the greatest Bronco of them all - John Elway - the Denver Broncos went and won two Super Bowls in a row, sending their fans into the stratosphere and sending Elway into immortality.

But success doesn’t last forever, and for the last dozen years or so, the Broncos have returned to their also-ran status.

Until now.

You may not have noticed, but Denver is again crazy for their Broncos.  The signing of thoroughbred quarterback Peyton Manning has brought the team back to the top in the NFL, and as a lifelong Broncos fan, I’m thrilled.

My husband, who doesn’t give a shit for anything that involves balls (well, almost anything),  just rolls his eyes whenever I dial up the NFL on Sunday afternoons.  But with the playoffs fast approaching and a Broncos team that is clicking like Dorothy’s ruby red shoes, now seems like the perfect time to get my husband to watch and appreciate them the way I do. This season has been so magical, so filled with great stories, that I should be able to find a way to translate them to fit his gay lexicon.

And that got me thinking, if these Broncos were famous figures from pop-culture, who would they be?  Let me know what you think about these, and if you have further ones, make them in the comments section below.

John Elway is Cher.  In the gay world, no one is bigger or lasted longer than Cher, and for those reasons alone, she and Elway make a good pairing.  But there are other reasons for this comparison as well.  Cher started off a skinny teenager with a big talent – just like Elway.  She had early success and her career spanned decades – just like Elway.  She was dead and buried and written off as washed up – just like Elway.  She’s known for her comebacks – just like Elway.  The Broncos were a mess just two years ago, and when Elway reinvented himself one more time in the role as the team’s highest executive and brought forth one more renaissance, well, the results proved almost Cher-like.   He’s ba-a-a-ck!

Peyton Manning is Tony Bennett.  Who is that old guy singing with Lady Gaga and Michael Buble, you ask?  The timeless Bennett, who like Manning, has surrounded himself with a new team of talent and brought his timeless class back to the forefront.   My husband likes to say that Peyton Manning has cat-daddy swagger, which he’s picked up on from any of the three-million commercials he’s featured in.  But there’s something special going on with this old guy Manning this year.  Given up for dead and cast aside like yesterday’s news by the Indianapolis Colts, Manning has teamed up with a bunch of youngsters in Denver’s receiving corps to make some pretty sweet music that spans the generations and is as timeless as it is classic.  Bennett, like Manning, may not be a gay icon, but a little cat-daddy swagger appeals to us all.

Champ Bailey is Beyonce.   Isn’t Beyonce like the perfect songstress ever?  Well, the same goes for Champ Bailey as an NFL cornerback.  They’re both thoroughbreds in style and performance.  They’ve both been around forever and have constantly delivered the goods year in and year out.   Beyonce’s Destiny’s Child years can be compared with Bailey’s years as playing for Washington.  But stepping out from those early successes carried both risk and reward, and neither has disappointed in the years since, pumping out hit after hit and classic performance after classic performance.  Both Bailey and Beyonce are the gold standard at what they do.

Elvis Dumervil is Lil’ Kim and Von Miller is Nicki Minaj.  Denver’s pass rushing defensive end and tornado of a linebacker have been wreaking havoc on the Broncos’ opponents all year long.  Dumervil has long been a beast to contain, and like Lil’ Kim, has had a scrape with the law in his recent past.  Miller is the fresh, younger version that’s seemingly everywhere, much like Nicki Minaj.  Sure, there’s a bit of a rivalry as to who is Denver’s top blitzer, but as with any rivalry, we fans are the winners after every rap they make.

Eric Decker is Channing Tatum.  Denver’s young wide receiver from the University of Minnesota equates nicely with Tatum.  He’s fap-fap-fapulous.   Seriously, google image search Eric Decker, take four to five minutes for yourself, and thank me later. 

Honorable Mentions:

Willis McGahee is Madonna.  Probably washed up, and there’s a fumble here and there, but still producing better than most.

Demaryius Thomas is Adele.  Holy shit!  If this is how you start off, we’re looking forward to many, many more years of amazing!

Dishonorable Mentions:

Tim Tebow is PSY.  Wow!  That was an insanely catchy tune that made no sense and was as improbable as it was addictive.  Yet even as it was happening, it was obvious that this was a one-hit-wonder to everyone.  The same goes for PSY.

Josh McDaniels is Milli Vanilli.  A greater fraud has never been perpetrated.

Jay Cutler is Rupert Everett.  So much talent.  So much potential.  So much whining.  So much a douche.  I’m embarrassed that I ever had anything to do with you.