Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Tranifesto: It's Okay to Be 'Questioning'

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “So I’m FAAB (female assigned at birth), I was a tomboy for some but not all of my childhood, and now that I’m in high school, I came out as genderqueer to my family and some friends a few months ago.

“I have dysphoria about my breasts but mostly not about my genitals (though I’ve always hated periods so much that I just tried to ignore them), and the chest dysphoria is actually somewhat recent. I’ve gotten some people to call me by ‘they’ pronouns, but increasingly now I’m not so sure that I am actually trans.

“I’m so confused about this and I feel like I’m in a constant state of questioning. I know that sometimes I like to be feminine and sometimes I like to be masculine, and when I came out as genderqueer that helped explain to my family why I wanted a binder, but now I kind of miss who I was before I decided to use trans* labels for myself.


“Before, it was okay for me to be feminine because, after all, I was a ‘girl,’ and it was okay to be masculine because I’d always been a ‘tomboy,’ but now when I’m masculine my family always makes comments about my gender identity to me and I can’t be feminine for fear of them not taking my (current) identity seriously.

“I can’t even tell if I’m feeling icky because I don’t identify with the masculine and gender-neutral language I’ve told my parents to try using for me right now, or whether I feel icky because of the sarcastic tone of voice that always seems to go along with ‘they’ and ‘young man.’ I’m not comfortable with ANY gendered OR ungendered pronouns and stuff for me right now and I don’t know why not!

“Anyway, do you know any good way to really figure out what one’s gender identity is? If I want top surgery, does that definitively mean I’m not cis?”

It sounds to me as if you are going through a questioning period, and when people go through a questioning period, often nothing seems right. Even with the proliferation of labels that has come about recently in gender communities, there still aren’t enough to fit everyone.


You might be trans and you might not. It depends on how you define “trans” and “trans*” for yourself. There are many definitions out there now. There are people who would say that you are trans*, whether you use that label or not, simply because you don’t fit neatly into the binary gender system. But I am really opposed to putting anyone under an umbrella who does not want to be there.

I know some genderqueer people who also identify as trans or trans*, and I know others who do not. I know some who use a male pronoun, some who use a female pronoun, some who use both interchangeably, and some who use a gender-neutral pronoun, such as “ze” or “they.” Sometimes you have to experiment to know what’s right for you, and sometimes that means going back to the people you came out to and telling them that you have changed your mind on one issue or another.

This is difficult, because it can cause them not to take you seriously no matter what you do. But once you fall into a comfort zone and remain there for a while, they will start to take you seriously again. Genderqueer might be the right label for you. Gender fluid is another label that might fit. Even bigender might fit, although it sounds as if you are more fluid, moving through or combining traditionally masculine and feminine traits, but not moving between being a man and being a woman.

If sometimes you like to be feminine and sometimes you like to be masculine, you can do that without adopting a trans label – or any label. You can even do that while maintaining female (or male) pronouns, if you want to. I really don’t know the best way to figure out your gender identity, but there are some things that I would suggest, and readers will probably have others:

> Try out different pronouns and presentations with your most trusted (and cooperative) friends. Tell them that you want to try “he” for a while, regardless of how you are presenting – even if you are wearing a dress and heels. Or tell them that you want to go by “she,” even if you are presenting as traditionally masculine that day.

Since you’re worried that part of your confusion might be because of the tone and attitude that your parents take when you are presenting as masculine, try to leave your parents out of it for a while and see how you feel when other people (or at least your friends) address you in a particular way. Try to discover what the most comfortable pronouns are for you.

> Tell your parents what you have told me. It sounds as if they are somewhat receptive, even though they’re being a little condescending. Say to them, “I can’t even tell if I’m feeling icky because I don’t identify with the masculine and gender-neutral language I’ve told you to try using for me right now, or whether I feel icky because of the sarcastic tone of voice that always seems to go along with ‘they’ and ‘young man.’”

Then ask them if they could lay off the sarcasm and work with you to help you discover what is most comfortable for you. Tell them that you are in a process of discovery, and, as the most important people in your life, you would really like their help and support. Then explain to them what they can do to make this easier for you.

> Forget about being “trans” for a while. There are some expectations that come with that identity, both from within and outside of the community. Carrying that label might cause you to put certain expectations on yourself that you feel as if you have to “live up to,” and those things might not be who you are.

It’s okay to just be “questioning” without having any other kind of label. And it’s okay to just be “questioning” for as long as you are questioning – a month, a year, ten years. Questioning people try things out. Questioning people do research, get information, meet different people with different labels, and try to figure out where they fit. This can be an ongoing process.

There are people who are questioning in many areas – gender identity, overall identity, political beliefs, religion, interests – and they move through their life looking for new discoveries and coming closer and closer to who they really are. There’s nothing wrong with this. In fact, it can be very healthy.

So my recommendation is not to stress over this. I would suggest allowing yourself to be a questioning individual and explaining this to your friends and family, then letting them know what works for you or what to try at this moment in time.

Then relax and try to enjoy this for what it is – a time of self-discovery, a time to try on “new hats” and see what fits, a fascinating journey into “you.” Sometimes, being a seeker is the best possible way to live. You have not closed yourself off to any possibilities. And when (and if) something feels right, you can just slide right in and you’ll be home.

P.S. Wanting chest surgery doesn’t really mean that you’re trans, not trans, cisgender, or not cisgender. It just means that you are uncomfortable with your chest. It doesn’t “fit” you. I think in a “textbook” sense, wanting chest surgery would mean that you are not cisgender, but again, there are so many variations on labels and definitions that I would not say this with strong conviction. I don’t think you should use your desire for chest surgery as the decisive factor in labeling yourself. It can be one factor to consider, but it is not the only one.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.