A reader writes: “My 19-year-old son came out to us as gay when he was 17. Although he has never had any relationship with anybody, I understand that he is attracted to males and have absolutely no issues with him being gay. Now that he is 19 (still no relationships), he is saying he thinks he is transsexual, which I just don’t see in him.
“He is a math-nerd type, very logical, extremely bright, not at all into image. Hates the typical female stuff like shopping or dressing up or fashion. Very male mind – into fantasy/anime/sci fi.
“I just don’t see it and am afraid he will further isolate himself and become less happy should he move forward. He is going to see a counselor that works with LGBT issues, but I don’t want to label him as trans if he is not truly. Am I mistaken to think that most MTF persons would have more fem traits? Please help.”
You’re not mistaken to think that most MTF persons would have more feminine traits, but you’re not entirely accurate, either. There are plenty of trans women who always exhibited “feminine” traits. But I also know trans women who used to be burly, bearded truck drivers. I know trans women who used to be Navy Seals. I know trans women who hate shopping and dressing up (and I know lots of non-trans women who do, too). I also know trans women who used to be (and still are) math nerds into fantasy/anime/sci fi (and I know lots of non-trans women who are, as well).
So I would not use those things as markers or clues with regard to your child’s identity. The fact that she has not had any dates (that you are aware of) does not mean anything, either. It’s possible that she has not dated or had relationships because she was struggling with her own identity and not sure who she should or might want to date. (I use the female pronoun because, at this point, your child has told you that she is trans. A gender neutral pronoun might also be appropriate. I’m just not sure, based on what I know at this time.)
It’s not unusual for young people (or any person) to confuse gender identity with sexual orientation, even today, when there are so many resources available online. In fact, when a person is grappling with his or her gender identity, that person might believe that he or she is gay or lesbian, because that’s the only thing that seems to remotely make sense, even though it just doesn’t feel quite right.
Your child is going to see a specialist. That is the most important thing. That specialist will help her sort things out. Once she is able to sort that out, she will also be able to determine who she (or he) is attracted to. But don’t let the fact that your child is not “traditionally” female, that your child has come out before as gay, or that your child is not dating influence you. None of these things mean anything with regard to whether or not your child is trans. Let your child and the therapist work this out, and trust your child to know her own mind. Your child is on the right track. Let things take their course.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
