(an excerpt from his book Teenie Weenies and Other Short Subjects)
One of the benefits of working at a gay newspaper is that you get to surf very unusual Web sites in search of stories about porn stars or celebrities, so I wasn’t really surprised when I looked across the room and saw my coworker watching an online video that appeared to be a parade of naked trans men who had not had genital surgery.
Of course, this necessitated abandoning my own story and getting up to see what was going on. And as I got closer, I saw who these guys actually were – contestants in a Howard Stern contest for the world’s smallest penis. Now, I could win this contest hands down, but none of these guys were trans men. They were all non-trans men with itsy, bitsy, teeny weenies.
Even though the tape had just started, I could see that the first guy was the obvious winner. I’ve seen outie belly buttons that were bigger. The man was heavy, and that didn’t help, but the fact was that his penis was pretty much not there. There was his stomach – you couldn’t miss that – and below it was a smooth, triangular patch of skin (he had obviously shaved to enhance his chances of winning, if nothing else) with a tiny, round opening (his foreskin?) and a little bump – that was it.
That was his penis, nestled snugly in its little home, peeping out at the world as if terrified of what it would find if it emerged. There were several men behind him, but even from a distance, what they had was at least visible to the naked eye. They didn’t stand a chance.
I have no idea what they were offering for a prize for the winner, but it must have been a whopper (no pun intended) in order for these men to submit to this global humiliation. After all, we’re not in ancient Greece, where small, boyish penises were prized. A large, sturdy member is considered the mark of a man in the United States, but here was a group of men showing the world, or at least the World Wide Web, that their mark was really no more than a dot.
And the strangest thing was that none of them seemed particularly concerned. Maybe they were just excited to get their 15 millimeters of fame. Maybe they desperately wanted that prize. Or maybe they just didn’t care.
I made the decision long ago that I was not going to get any kind of genital surgery. There were several reasons for that decision – a lack of funds, a lack of the desire to go through the procedures that I heard some of my now-well-endowed friends describe, and, after a while, a lack of interest entirely. There came a point where I, like the guys in the World’s Smallest Penis contest, just didn’t care.
I would no doubt be disqualified if I entered that contest – the other contestants would probably complain that I had an unfair advantage. But any time that my particular body is considered an advantage, I’m in. Howard Stern, sign me up!
(Editor's Note: Despite the fact that Matt Kailey, one of my closest friends, passed away earlier this year I will continue to republish his writing on MileHighGayGuy.com - as I did when he was alive - as a resource for the gay community to know more about trans people. This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com.?
