A reader writes: “I’m a first-year student at a liberal arts college. Most of my friends know I’m a transman, but the school at large does not. I met a woman about a month ago who is also a student here. I really like her and want to date her. I think she might be interested in me, too, but that might just be wishful thinking.
“My problem is that I don’t know when to disclose to her. I don’t know if I should tell her soon to get it out of the way or to hold off to get to know each other better and not scare her off.”
Regular readers know that I am big on coming out as soon as possible. In my opinion, it saves a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings on both sides (and sometimes it’s a safety issue, but I would say that it probably isn’t in this case).
However, I don’t think that a person needs to come out to every casual coffee or movie date. In this situation, I would recommend asking the woman out – for coffee, a movie, dinner, or whatever. See how the first date goes. If it doesn’t go well, or it appears that one or both of you is not all that interested, no harm done. You say goodnight and part ways.
But what if you both have a great time? I don’t know what you should do, but I’m going to tell you what I would do. If I had a fantastic time, and the person I was with had a fantastic time, and if it was obvious that there was an intense mutual attraction, I would say (at the end of the date), “I had a really great time. I find you very attractive. I would love to see you again. There’s also something I would like you to know about me.” And then I would come out to that person and let the chips fall where they may.
If I wasn’t sure after the first date, or didn’t think the other person was sure, I would ask that person out again without coming out. If we had a fabulous time and the sparks flew, then I would come out as above. If it just wasn’t right, we move on and no harm done.
The reason I would do this is because I don’t want to waste my time and energy, or the other person’s time and energy, if my being trans is a deal-breaker. Both of us could move on to other people and save time and heartache.
But there are downsides to this. One downside is that she doesn’t get to know you very well first, which could make a difference with regard to how she accepts or embraces your trans status. The other downside is that she could decide to spread this information around – particularly if she chooses not to date you because she finds it shocking, gross, or gossip-worthy. You have no control over this.
Even if she does decide to date you, this could happen at some point in the future if you break up. She also might be the non-gossipy type who respects the privacy of her suitors, her dates, and her exes. There’s really no way to know. But I always figure that once you’re out to someone, you might as well assume that you will eventually be out to everyone, and that at that point, it’s not always your choice or under your control.
(Editor's Note: Despite the fact that Matt Kailey, one of my closest friends, passed away in 2014 I will continue to republish his writing on MileHighGayGuy.com - as I did when he was alive - as a resource for the gay community to know more about trans people. This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com)
