Thursday, May 21, 2015

I Need A Hero!

By Mona Lott

I’ve been under attack since I was a kid. The Gallegos family three houses down would throw snowballs at me, but they wrapped them in rocks first. Russell Harmon pushed me off my bike on my way home from first grade so he could beat me up. Mike Donovan tormented me every day in 7th grade gym class until I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I threw a full can of Arid Extra Dry spray deodorant at him narrowly missing his head and screamed, “LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!!” That temper and my sense of humor combined created a force shield so powerful that in high school they didn’t even bully me in person anymore, they wrote nasty shit on anonymous notes and had them passed to me so I didn't know who they came from. By the way Simon Suarez, I knew.

Now I’m approaching the ripe old age of fifty and even though those childhood wounds have healed leaving faint scars, I’m still being wounded every day. Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom law and makes intolerance and discrimination against the GLBT community legal. POW!

Then Ted Cruz, in one of many anti-gay statements, declared, “We look at the jihad that is being waged right now, in Indiana, and in Arkansas, going after people of faith who respect the biblical teaching that marriage is the union of one man and one woman." Sucker punch. "Hey, look over there!" BAM!!

In April, 700 Club leader Pat Robertson warned that if the Supreme Court strikes down bans on same-sex marriage, Christians in America will soon be “the victims of vicious, vicious attacks,” just like the angels who visited Sodom and were nearly raped by “virulent homosexuals.” WHAP!!

GOP Presidential hopeful, Ben Carson, makes the statement, "How I feel and what I think isn’t just my opinion. God in his Word says very clearly that he considers homosexual acts to be an ‘abomination.’" ZING!!

“Seeing that it is better that offenders should die rather than that all of us should be killed by God’s just wrath against us for the folly of tolerating-wickedness in our midst, the People of California wisely command, in the fear of God, that any person who willingly touches another person of the same gender for purposes of sexual gratification be put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method ...” was in a ballot initiative submitted in March by California lawyer Matt McLaughlin. POW!! BANG!! ZONK!!

Earlier this week, US Cardinal Raymond Burke stated, ‘If homosexual relationships are intrinsically disordered, which indeed they are … then what would it mean to grandchildren to have present at a family gathering a family member who is living [in] a disordered relationship with another person? "If it were another kind of relationship – something that was profoundly disordered and harmful – we wouldn’t expose our children to that relationship, to the direct experience of it.’ And neither should we do it in the context of a family member who not only suffers from same-sex attraction, but who has chosen to live out that attraction, to act upon it, committing acts which are always and everywhere wrong, evil.’ KAPOW!! BIFF!! ZAP!!

And yesterday Bobby Jindal signed a newly refined law in Louisiana protecting businesses that refuse to serve same sex marriages. ZING!!

I need a hero!! No, strike that. I need a gay super villain who can live up to all the evil vile deeds that these so called God-fearing morons are accusing the GLBT community of. We are attacking Christians, even though many gays and lesbians also identify as Christian. We’ve been accused of making children gay, just by being in their presence, even though I don’t ever remember being around anyone gay until years after I had decided I was. Gays and Lesbians have been accused of causing floods, tornadoes, and hurricanes. We’ve had the proverbial finger pointed at us as the catalyst for World Trade Center bombings, the Boston Marathon bombing and now, even a tragic Amtrak train crash.

Isis and her pretty headband
So it's become obvious to me that we are very powerful!! We have superhuman abilities that allow us to make foreign extremists carry out horrendous acts of terror. We have fairy tale magic that turns straight children gay; though I can’t fathom why we don’t use this magic in Hollywood on, say, Joe Manganiello or Ryan Gosling instead.

Like Isis, no, not that one, the pretty one with the headband from Saturday morning cartoons back when we had Saturday morning cartoons, we hold power over Mother Nature and the winds and the sea! The religious right is afraid of us; they are worried that we will make them all disappear long before the rapture has the opportunity.

So I propose that we all become Gay Super Villains!! I want to be called Rapture. Yes, like the Christian end of times, but even more like an overly floral scented perfume by some aging movie star or like the feeling I get just before a guy engulfs the whole of my being with in mouth. Pick your own Gay Super Villain name but I call dibs on Rapture.

Then create a costume built for the Gods, one that RuPaul would gag on and would make Bob Mackie drop to his knees in defeat. Grab your glitterbombs and put them in that utility belt and don’t forget a dildo of death, cock ring of torture and a cat o' nine tails for those moments when you’re alone with your Gay Super Villain sidekick.

Now head on down to the steps of your Capital Building or to that soapbox in the city park or to the gilded doors of the local Catholic Church and wreak havoc! Proclaim your evil desires while stroking the bald pussy in your lap and poking your pinky finger into the corner of your mouth. Lesbians, don't get mixed up; this isn't that kind of a protest! 

Call out Carson and Huckabee and Bobby Jindal as your arch nemesis and warn them of the coming doom you are planning. Dare them to try and stop you. Have your henchmen spring on the crowd and spray them with glitter and announce that you have now turned them gay. Call down the powers of the wind and threaten to destroy the whole town with a tornado powerful enough to turn Miss Gulch into an evil witch. Laugh maniacally and run around with your cape billowing behind you! Yes, own it! Be the Gay Super Villain they already see us as and if that doesn't finally stop the attacks, then get me several cans of Arid Extra Dry!