I am being haunted by my bad choices.
In the time frame of terminating my last relationship and my current dating-my-boyfriend status I made some really bad choices. You can see this reflected in my lack of blogging as well. It was a time of re-thinking and reflection of what made Steve, Steve.During this time I was also doing traveling for work, and I needed some sort of comfort. Now, a more exotic man would have turned to drinking. Or, maybe an investment of a tattoo. As many people have demonstrated in life, getting inkinjected into their skin is a perfect way to come to terms with change in their lives. If I would have been more cleaver, I would have inked a dragon onto my bulging upper arm. Instead, it turned to something much worse and self-destructive.
Audiobooks.
Okay, not just your standard audiobooks; Gay. Romance. It pains me to even admit it here, but yes.I was addicted to Audible.com and their painfully wide selection of gay romance novelas. I can’t really remember much about this time span. It was thankfully short-lived.I also cannot re-tell any plots, other than that they were painfully formulaic.It would typically be a straight identifying hockey player who owned a farm,or maybe a cop who had his wife die. Sometimes it would be a ranch owner, maybea ranch owning cop that played hockey in college. In these stories there was alsowas a buddy; maybe they played together on the college team, or went through the academy together. The buddy was always heterosexual identifying as well. Long story short (pun intended) never knew…. feelings…. explore… implied betrayal…. reconciliation….adopting a stray yellow lab (so fake, like a yellow lab would ever be a stray) and then the most perfect Christmas would happen. Anyway, these books taught me to love again. Blah.blah.blah.
I have recovered from my days of dark habits. And have gone on to become a functioning member of society. But, it seems my choices will never be free of me. As I skim through my Audible account I am constantly reminded. See,with an Audible account you can delete books from your phone, or table, but they will never be truly gone. They are always list under “Your Account Books.” The only way to destroy any trace is to delete my account and start over. But,this means I will delete many good books. To remove The Truth as He Knows It I must also delete all of my Aldous Huxley.
I would have kept this my private shame. But, then I borrowed my Boyfriends car. Well, he was out of town and I was driving it to get detailed. I synced by phone via Bluetooth to listen to some tunes while driving. This meant that when he returned and we hopped into his car, months later. My phone somehow usurped his phone. My phone did not start playing Rammstein, no. It decided to play chapter twelve of The Heart as He Hears It. A touching scene of Chad coming to terms that a hockey player/cop can really love his best friend on many levels including a level based upon anal.
I have not heard the end of it. A constant reminder of how I have gay romance at my fingertips is fed to me on a daily dose from many friends. It may have been easier if I had just covered my arms with ubiquitous and played-out tribal tattoos.
