Ask Eric Anything: My Friend Is Dating A Racist

By Eric Kehela

Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling.
With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.”


Dear Eric,

One of my oldest and closest friends is dating someone new. The bad news is that this guy made some racist comments/jokes the first time we met and racism of any kind is simply a deal-breaker for me. My friend doesn’t excuse the comments but he claims he didn’t hear them.

When I told him that I didn’t think I could be cool with someone like that he told me I was overreacting and not to take it so seriously. To me there’s no such thing as taking racism too seriously and now in addition to being pissed off and disgusted by the guy who made the comments, I’m incredibly disappointed and angry at my friend to the point where I think I’m ready to walk away from a ten-year friendship over it.

Am I overreacting? I don’t think I am. I don’t think it would have been overreacting if I had punched the guy right in the face when it happened. And now I kind of regret that I didn’t. I'm mostly just venting but if you have some insight I'd love to hear it.

Sincerely, Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated,

Nothing turns anyone off more than negativity, racist remarks and the ignorance that perpetuates such nonsense. 

Remember that you aren't dating this guy, your friend is; therefore, tread lightly. You are entitled to your feelings; however you are responsible for your reaction and that which your nonverbal-communication can express. Are you not expressing something? Are you perhaps more in-like with your friend than you are letting on? Perhaps you have not come to terms with the fact that you are indeed falling in love with your friend. If this friend of yours has been in your life for so long, you should be used to his antics and personality by now. Therefore, are you attracted to him and this is the reason why you are sensitively reacting in this manner? As racist, intolerable and inexcusable comments are made every day, nationwide, globally: regardless of skin color, the land of origin or the planet one comes from, individuals are judged, yet it doesn't take away from the fact that we are each walking our path through life. Whilst others may mask insecurities with tasteless jokes, pointless banter, mindless chitchat and small-talk, you don't; ergo, don't make it personal, it isn't about you. 

Are these racist comments that bother you, a genuine reaction to an upset caused by your friend being with him and not with you? Is this secretly just an excuse for you to cope, because the presence of another guy with him bothers you? To thine own self be true. There's no one like you. 

If you answered yes, you need to effectively express yourself without allowing emotion to impede.

If you answered no, you still need to effectively express yourself without allowing emotion and personal ideals to get in the way of telling your friend that this guy maybe isn't the right one for him (his energy being a main-factor). Your friendship has longevity, he should trust and value your thoughts. If it matters to you, it matters.

Whether your friend chooses to regard or disregard such banter is his doing and not of your concern. Whom he surrounds himself by is his choice and not yours. Granted he is your dear friend, you must remember you aren't dating him; therefore, his proclivities should not be of your concern. 

The fact that you are sensitive to these matters - even if he's just your friend, only proves that you have evolved, whilst your friend chooses to regress and surround himself with those whom belittle others and degrade other cultures.Yes, you may still care about your friend, though your feelings do not entitle you to make a judgement-call on others' expression. 

Live and let live, don't toxify your psyche with individuals who have no regard for others. Even in jest, such comments should not be made, for they are abusive, bully-worthy, hurtful, ignorant and downright unnecessary. 

If your intuition is guiding you away from this long-term friend, honor that which you feel and move forward. People come into our lives for a reason and a season. When that reason and season are finished it is time to start fresh. You learned something valuable through this friend. If anything, be thankful that you rose above those who speak out of ignorance and lack of love. 

Being in tune only makes you a better you for you, and a better you for others - if you will. 

Thus, this is a new season and a reason to start anew.

Ask Eric Anything: My Partner and I Were Uninvited at Easter and I'm Hopping Mad!

Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling. 
With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 
The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.”

Dear Ask Eric Anything,

My boyfriend and I were supposed to visit my family for Easter but a couple of days beforehand, my mother called and told me it “wouldn’t be a good idea” for the two of us to come because she and my father wouldn’t be comfortable having the two of us over. 

I couldn’t believe it. 

I’ve been out for years and my family had a very good relationship with my previous boyfriend of four years so I have no idea where this is coming from and could not get a straight answer from anybody in my family. Then, the day before Easter my sister calls and tells me to come and bring my boyfriend but by then we had already made other plans (and probably wouldn’t have gone even if we hadn’t). I haven’t spoken to my mother since the phone call and am still kind of in shock over the whole thing (we usually talk every day). My sister says that mother is beside herself and I kind of want to talk to her but my boyfriend says that she needs to learn that her actions have consequences. I feel like I’m in an episode of The Twilight Zone. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Upset on Easter

Dear Upset on Easter,

Considering your parents approved of your past relationship, the present is what may be of concern to them right now. Behind every reaction, there is always a reason to the madness of life-long parenting; henceforth, there may be a reason behind why your parents did not want you and your boyfriend to come home for Easter. 

Perhaps your father does not approve of your current boyfriend and may not know how to tell you without hurting your feelings.

Easter, alongside any major holiday that involves family gathering, is mainly considered sacred; therefore, they may have wanted this specific Easter to be inclusive of close family. Additionally, have you considered perhaps your family does not see your partner as you do? Sometimes family can see what others don't, as judgment may becomes clouded by emotion. 

Are you sure that this is the right partner for you? If so, whatever the family says should not affect your own actions.

In regards to your mother, remember, the wisdom she has, you have not yet acquired. Pay attention to what she has to say, as she loves you and has your best interest at heart.
If you haven't called your mother for Mother's Day, do so. You may be surprised at what she has to say and if not, at least you have insight to her and your father's feelings.
Furthermore, your boyfriend - if he genuinely is the one for you, should not react in a passive-aggressive manner towards this situation with your family. Instead, he should have come from love and understanding, not frustration. Your boyfriend should be supportive and encouraging of you to be closer with your family. Real love brings you closer to your loved ones, it doesn't separate you from them. Though each life situation is different, above all, you must always trust your heart and inner guidance. Only you know what feels right.

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way. Click here to follow him on Twitter. 

Ask Eric Anything: Why Are My Gay Friends So Intolerant Of My Bisexuality?

By Eric Kehela

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.”

Dear Eric,

I am a gay man who is also occasionally attracted to women.

I have no problem whatsoever with my sexuality but find myself constantly disappointed at the constant stream of biphobia I experience from my gay friends and acquaintances.

I always thought the gay community would be more understanding and accepting but find that my straight friends are much more accepting of this side of myself.

My questions for you are:

1.) How can I explain to my gay friends that their biphobic jokes and comments are hurtful and offensive

2.) Why do you think there is so much biphobia in the gay community? 

Sincerely, Ambiphilic

Dearest Ambiphilic, 

Now is the time for you to look deep within, whilst beginning to honor your values and that which matters most to you. 

Though the mundane reality may appear continuous and linear, there is much happening on a cosmic-spiritual-universal level, causing attitudes, behaviors and situations to manifest, furthermore leading people to separate and walk a different path. Be prepared to release the old and welcome the new. Be not resistant of change, or change will consume you. 

Moreover, regardless of your sexual identity, you deserve to be surrounded by true friends, as you are to be loved for who you are. Your happiness is what truly matters most in this experience, named life. If necessary, kindly remind your friends (in a tone which best demands positive attention), that negative verbiage is déclassé, not empowering and you will not engage in that form and style of communicative banter, laden with disparaging remarks towards individuals in the LGBTQ community, inclusive of yourself. 

Communicate with your friends and express your feelings; inasmuch, friends should be supportive and uplifting, not the contrary. Surround yourself with others whom genuinely value you. Why surround yourself with individuals who make you feel uncomfortable? It is best to be your own company, than to be with those who hurt your feelings. I remember an old phrase in Spanish, which roughly translates to, “Tell me who you are with, and I shall tell you who you are.” Though these words may appear judgmental, it is important for you to be aware of the energy of those around you, as their energy may not be suited for you after all. 

Biphobia exists where ignorance and fear reside. These phobias perpetuate the lack of knowledge. Be the change you wish to see in the community. Do a web search and find local organizations like meetup.com , sageusa.org, or go to The Center and create (or join) a group in hopes of educating and spreading awareness. You may just meet new and empowering friends. Move forward leaving the past and individuals who pressure you to be someone other than who you are best –YOU! 

In futurespect, remember like attracts like; therefore, how do you desire your life-path to manifest? Be certain to stand in your truth and remain true to yourself. Whether it be a man or woman, whom you choose to marry, how would you like your fairy tale to play out? I advise you to let go of that and those which no longer serve you and keep forward on your path towards fulfillment and happiness. It starts with you! 

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way. Click here to follow him on Twitter.

Ask Eric Anything: Help! Unemployment Is Getting The Best Of Me

Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling. 

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.”

 Dear Eric,

I have been job hunting for almost a year with very little luck and the longer I'm unemployed, the more freaked out and depressed I get. I have less and less self-confidence every day and I'm finding that, on the rare occasions I do get called for an interview, my nervousness and insecurity gets the best of me. I'm a sweaty, incoherent mess and I can't seem to answer even the simplest questions. And every interview I flub makes me worse the next time. It's a vicious cycle and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Anonymous

Dearest Anonymous,

Before you begin your career-quest, you must first look within yourself and answer the most important question: What makes you happy? 

Do not look for a job praying not to get it. Self-defeating behavior and thought-forms can only perpetuate your current situation, thus keeping you from realizing and accomplishing your goals. 

Make a career move which allows the freedom to grow, whilst saving for your future. Do some web searching, revamp your resume and cover letter with examples provided, as you can always learn by example. 

Instead of visiting craigslist, search companies online that resonate most with your ideals, level of professionalism and apply; follow up within three days with a phone call. Use positive visualization to draw the perfect job towards you. Perhaps you need to reach beyond your comfort-zone and apply for a position a few miles away from home. If you are car-less, try using public transportation to assist you in your travels. 

Break through the barriers of doubt and frustration, overwhelming yourself by taking up more than you can handle can cause you stress and lead the perpetuation of the cycle you are in. Be confident not cocky; remember, attitude is everything and you must make yourself shine. 

Check out Starbucks Coffee (http://www.starbucks.com/career-center), they offer wonderful health-benefits for part time employees such as medical, dental, vision, 401k, stock options, tuition reimbursement, corporate discounts and a free pound of coffee or box of tea – a week. If changing the world, one cup at a time does not suit you; check out other Fortune 100 companies to work for (http://money.cnn.com/magazines/fortune/best-companies/2013/list/?iid=bc_lp_toprr) as these always offer promise and room for growth. 

Only you can stop yourself from reaching your goals. Lastly, do not compromise your beliefs and ideals; focus on what you want and get it. Use your creativity and create a vision board with inspiring words and images evoking success.

Know you have the perfect job waiting for you; the perfect job is now manifest. And it is so! Remember my motto: “Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars, and always aim with your heart.”

Dust yourself off, and take flight! Now go get ‘em tiger!

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way. 

Ask Eric Anything: I Cheated. Now What?

Ask Eric Anything's Eric Kehela (left) enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling. 

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.”

Dear Ask Eric Anything,

I recently reconnected with someone I knew and had feelings for years ago via Facebook (I'll call him John) and it has stirred up a lot of emotions within myself. I have a husband and we have been married for a long time but I just don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Our relationship is safe and comfortable but there's no passion and very little sex. I do have passionate feelings for John and I did end up cheating on my husband with him and the sex was very, very good. I feel like I'm trapped in my current relationship and want to get out but John says he will not consider dating me as long as I'm still with my husband. It might sound crazy but I literally cannot bring myself to make a decision about what to do. What is your advice?

Devastated in Denver

Dear Devastated in Denver,

Why ruin what you have and sever your connection by cheating?

Spice up your marriage and relationship by reinvigorating your connection to each other. You possess everything you require and desire in your marriage, so you have no reason to look elsewhere. Take a trip or a romantic tropical cruise for two to reignite the passion you share for each other.

It seems as though you checked out of your marriage without consulting your husband. Reevaluate your actions, choices, decisions and whom you affect in the process.

If you believe your marriage to be mainly rooted in passion and sex you are mistaken. A marriage is a partnership, relationship and a mutual love for one another, not a 365 day sex-escapade.

What your marriage lacks is communication, compassion and trust. Take the time to look within yourself and reflect on the marriage you are blessed with; you must know that although John may provide you with fun times, heat and perhaps laughter whilst rekindling the old-flame, you are indeed promised to another.

What you need to do is put John on hold and look at what you have in front of you: a husband who vowed to love you unconditionally. Remember why it is you fell in love with the man you have before you, and why you said, “I do.” If you put the same excitement, effort and passion into your marriage you will get what you put-out (pun-intended). It would be best for you to communicate effectively without using pronouns as I or you in reference to casting blame. Speak from your heart not your head, as logic and love do not mix well. Your husband picked you as you did him, so be a man, and take-care of your best friend; as cliché as it sounds, it does take two.

Closing your heart to your husband is the cause of you feeling trapped in your marriage, thus causing the desire to escape. If you open up to your husband-–tears and all, and listen to him and how he feels, you may end up having the best sex that night! Be honest, open and sincere. Do not use superficial and antagonistic approaches which only serve the ego. Sit silently without thinking about anything, and just look into his eyes with your heart. Feel his love for you; see how you are golden in his eyes, true love never dies. Appreciate him and tell him you do.

As for John, you need to release him and honor your current marriage. Only you can decide what is best for you; however, be mindful of this very important question: Can John guarantee you years to come? Honor your marriage and your marriage will honor you.

Ask Eric Anything: I Think I'm Addicted to Porn

By Eric Kehela

Ask Eric Anything's Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling. 

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.”

Dear Eric,

This is kind of embarrassing but I think I am addicted to porn. I watch it every day. I have little to no interest in physical relations with anybody else at this point. The thing is, I'm not sure if this is a problem or not because I feel like I am more satisfied with watching porn than I ever have been with the actual act with other people. Sex with other people can be awkward, messy or boring but porn is just about perfect every time. The only problem is that I have this nagging feeling that I should be trying to put more effort into my real life relationships. What do you think? I'd also like to know if any of your readers have this same issue?

Sincerely,
Pornaholic

Dear Pornaholic,

You must first ask yourself what it is you really want for yourself. Pornography, although useful (if you will) is not comparable to real-life intimacy. 

Do not make excuses for your lack of interest in another, or yourself for that matter. With the right partner, sex can be wonderful and full of pleasure.  Anonymous sex, although fun at the moment, does not suffice for the completion and fulfillment of spirit and self. There is no need to deem sex awkward with others, although you should be wise with your decisions. 

Why settle for the taxi, when you can take the jet? 

Interact with men who value your personality and respect your body.  A great partner possesses patience and passion when intimate. It is best if you disassociate yourself from the quick-fix scene, and start anew in your reality.  If sex is too messy or boring, you need to reevaluate your choices, and those you invite into your energy.  Whilst your undertone is laden with fear of intimacy, you must open your heart and be honest with what you know you deserve, and I am sure you deserve the best.   

Remember, visual stimulation can be helpful and assistive as long as you don’t get sucked into the virtual realm of smut and loneliness. In ancient times, sex was viewed as a means to release creative energy.  It is best to harness your energy and release when you need to, as you could be draining yourself of all desire and creative flow. Try releasing to imagery or your own fantasy – if you will, become one with your body once again and thus you train your stimuli to become more receptive to you and not what you watch.   

For now, focus on repairing your stimuli. Then go out and put effort into meeting the right person who will give you more pleasure than any porn ever has.  Be confident and cool, as you have nothing to fear, the right man will present himself at the right time. Focus on you and everything else will fall into place.   

P.S. We all watch porn. It is normal after all!

 Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Ask Eric Anything: Dating Advice for an Awkward Gay Penguin

Dear Eric,

 

I have a very active social life and get asked to do a lot of things with friends and acquaintances. However, I've recently noticed that sometimes I'm uncertain whether an invitation is meant to be platonic, a date, or even just a hook up and it can lead to awkwardness. Without being obnoxious about it, what's the best way to figure out if someone is asking me out on a date or just to hang out?

 

Awkward Gay Penguin

Dear Awkward Gay Penguin,

 

First you need to evaluate what YOU want. You must first set the tone on what you want.

Secondly, as cliché as it sounds, listen to your heart, not your frontal lobe. Test the waters and understand the intentions behind said invitations. If it’s platonic, you will know by the nonverbal communication and the intention behind the reason for an outing, say a business meeting or an introduction to a new social circle. Just because you are invited to go many places, it doesn’t mean you must attend every invitation.

It is human nature to send mixed signals, especially in a hormone driven society, yet you must want what’s best for you. If you are invited out, feel out the energy of the person. Nothing makes a man’s character stronger than being firm in his decisions. If you are unsure, step-up to the plate and effectively communicate what you foresee, if need be.

Be selective and be sure, for you will attract all possibilities if you aren’t sure of what you really want. If you feel chemistry and you get the vibe that this person wants to get to know you better and although money doesn’t play a role, if he does however invite you out and pays, odds are he likes you. If you are seeking a hook-up, you may as well speak your mind. Respect yourself and your body and always plays safe.

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree  in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Ask Eric Anything: Why are my friends so hateful and negative?

By Eric Kehela

Ask Eric Anything's Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day.

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.”

Dear Eric,
Lately I have noticed in my group of friends that they are always saying something hateful about other groups or people - women or minorities or Republicans or religious groups - and playing it off like they are jokes but it's really bothering me. They are not bad people so I don't want to not be around them ever again but I am surprised that there is so much negativity going around. I want to bring it up but I don't want to be an asshole about it. I would appreciate your advice.


Sincerely, Tired of the Hate and Negativity

Dear Tired of the Hate and Negativity,

The best thing you can do is follow your heart and trust your instinct.

Reevaluate your friendships and ponder the reasons as to why you have these individuals in your life. You must remember that people will come and go from your life, be it by your choice or theirs, so take hold of the reins and be in control of those you want in your reality. As the old saying goes, “you are who your friends are, so choose them wisely.”

I recommend finding yourself a new group of friends. However, if you choose to hold on to these, communicate your thoughts articulately with eloquence and class. If your group truly values you, they may be receptive to changing their perception of others. They may need to dig a little deeper to evaluate themselves before speaking in jest of others.

The Universe could also be telling you that it’s time to move on and find a new group of friends. All it takes is some independent time and you will find your newfound-self. Go out and conquer the world with your positive energy, as you are a ripple in the Universe's ocean!

You mustn’t allow yourself to be in an environment which is toxic to your energy as it only prevents you from evolving.  Step up to the plate and be the best person you can be – for you!

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree  in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Ask Eric Anything: Am I only good enough to screw?

Ask Eric Anything's Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling. 

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.” 

 Dear Ask Eric,

I really like, and in many ways, love, a man who I have been seeing off and on for about five years. The problem is that he doesn't want to be seen in public with me, at least not when his friends are around. He says he loves me and he wants to be in a relationship with me, but we rarely go on "dates" to anywhere public. We sometimes go to the movies, but most often, I go over to his house and watch television and spend the night. When we are at a party, a bar, or a public event where his friends are, we spend most of the night texting sexy messages to each other from across the room.

I'm not hideous. In fact, I'm quite popular at the clubs, and a lot of guys hit on me and have no problem being seen with me. He knows this, because he sees them hitting on me from his perch across the bar, but it doesn't seem to change how he feels about being public with our relationship. Why is he acting like this?

Signed,
Good enough to screw, but not good enough to street

Dear Good enough to screw, but not good enough to street,

What do you love so much about this man that you allow your self-esteem and self-concept to be compromised? Is this man out of the closet? Married?  Or does he come from a traditional background? Factor all these possibilities and ask yourself what you deserve.

Although the relationship has lasted on-and-off for five years, you need to awaken from the comfort you allowed yourself to fall into and honor your own standards. Be a man whom knows what he wants and gets it. If this man isn’t ready for public displays of affection, maybe it’s his own insecurity he has to deal with, yet you shouldn’t allow it to affect you. I suggest you move on and be with someone who appreciates you and all you offer.

Don’t settle for the next best thing, or fall in love with the idea of love; falling in love is reciprocated by nature, do not fool yourself or try to convince yourself that he will change if he already hasn’t in five years.

Surround yourself with those who are proud to be in your life. There is no shame in love. I suggest you change your phone number and start new. You are loved by so many, don’t neglect and deprive yourself of the love you so rightfully deserve.

Know you have my support and always follow your heart.

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Ask Eric Anything: I Want A New Life

By Eric Kehela

Dear Eric, I want to start my life over from scratch. I want a new job, a new place to live, and new friends and romantic interests but I feel stuck. How can I sever the ties of my old life and start the new one that I want? Everything is just old and stale to me and I want and need new experiences and I need them ASAP.

Thanks, B.

Dearest B,

“Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will.” Jawaharlal Nehru - Former Prime Minister of India

The best thing I can advise you to do is first identify what you really desire to make your heart sing, then act upon it and indeed change your scenery.

Finding the right place isn't a matter of throwing darts at a map while blindfolded, as the universe and its infinite wisdom is telling you that your energy and setting are stagnant and require a much needed change, as something in your life (or everything) may be lacking growth.

It is important to listen to what your inner heart-instinct dictates; similarly, as the birds fly for warmth in the winter, so must you heed your own red-flags especially if you are feeling stuck. If you are sincerely ready for a change of vista, look online (Google, prideroommates.com, craigslist.org, etc.), visit your local library or bookstore for resources to facilitate in finding a destination of your preference. Research the places and things which can bring you joy and success in all you do, as it is best to be informed and prepared. Spontaneity can be fun, however, you must ensure that your happiness is life-long and not a temporary form of instant satisfaction and gratification; therefore, choose your destination wisely and behave accordingly.

If your present scenery is numbing, new avenues may be just what you need whether it's a view of the ocean or the experience and closeness a small town has to offer.

Once you know where you’d like to be, start looking online for an opportunity in career advancement; find the companies you would like to work for and apply through the careers section of the web-page.

Be determined and motivated to embark on your new adventure. This will ensure a beautiful and successful life with your well-being in consideration. Creating a new reality can fulfill your desire for change and you will benefit from a new found identity and a fresh outlook - something which always brings the benefits of meeting new people, a romantic interest or both.

For your life to be a success you must bask in your present and feel fulfilled every step-of the way.

Keep in touch with any family you may have a heart-to-heart connection to (if applicable), as it is always nice to have someone to talk to and confide in – even if from afar. Your friends or acquaintances will wish you the very best. Life goes on and so must you.

Establish yourself as you see fit in the new reality of your choosing. Also, this fresh start isn’t just for your corporeal reality; it is an opportunity for you to surround yourself in positivity and only that which resonates with you.

Go out and conquer your reality and make every moment in your life full of happiness and satisfaction. If you are running away from something, be prepared to face the consequences of your actions and decisions; your time away in your new start will allow you to have enough time to reflect on anything which wasn’t conducive to your own evolution as a being of love and creation. Others may advise you to take a long vacation, yet the idea of coming back to what you want to leave behind can prove less than useful.

Make the best of your time and enjoy your life. Good luck on your endeavors and may your path be open and abundant!

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree  in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Ask Eric Anything: Am I being U.S.E.D?

By Eric Kehela

Ask Eric Anything's Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling. 

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.” 

Dear Advice Columnist,

The guy I have been seeing for the last two years is also seeing someone else. He seems to have equal affection for both of us, and divides his time between us. We both know about each other, but we don't know each other well and we rarely run into each other.

My problem is that I don't feel as if he's being honest with either one of us, and I feel as if I'm waiting for something that will probably never happen. I really would like a monogamous relationship with him – I would like to be "boyfriends." But the whole situation is very confusing.

He has not made a commitment to me, and as far as I know, he has not made a commitment to this other guy, either, but his actions and his words don't mesh. He thinks he's being honest by saying that he doesn't want a commitment right now, but every time I try to move away from him – to let him go and get on with my life, to find other dates, to become interested in someone else – he shows up, wanting to spend time with me, have sex, spend the night, and say and do romantic things that lead me to believe that he has a serious interest in me.

However, when I try to go with what appears to be his interest, then he's off with this other guy and says, "I've been honest with you. I've told you that I don't want a commitment." From what I can gather, he's doing the same thing with this other guy.

We both want to be his "boyfriend," as far as I can tell. I feel as if he's playing both of us, but I can't seem to let go – especially when the sex and romance increase as I try to back off from it all. What should I do?

Signed,

Unsure, but Susceptible to Egregious Duplicity


Dear U.S.E.D.,

Open relationships can be quite tedious. You need to ask yourself, “Is he good for me?” It appears as though you want to settle down while he wants to play well with others (you should also take into consideration whether his extracurricular activities are putting you at risk). 

The best thing you can do is what you did previously. Step away. But this time, don't go back. To be in a relationship, both parties must be of stable mind, body, and spirit - without this kind of imbalance. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them, if not moreso. 

You are no one’s puppet or toy. You deserve respect and the right kind of attention. With all respect, since you know he’s doing this to the other guy, you need to let him go. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in his illusion. If you want a man that can commit, you will have one. You must let go of what no longer serves you. If it helps, when you think of him, repeat this mantra in your mind, “I bless you, I honor you and I release you.” In essence you are blessing him for being a part of the world, you are honoring him as a person and a soul, and you are releasing him from your psyche. Repeat this mantra as many times as you need to until you finally feel it and mean it. You need to move on so you can welcome new love into your life. And you need to avoid being caught up in these kinds of relationships in the future. They may be “fun” but the price you pay isn’t worth the years they have cost you. 

Don’t you want to feel whole and satisfied in the relationship? All you need to do is look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself that you deserve more. You deserve to be loved, wanted the way you love so passionately and wholeheartedly. Ask yourself, “Don't I deserve better?” 

You know deep within yourself what it takes to make your heart truly sing. If this guy isn’t making-the cut, I say vote him off the island! My mom always says, “Why take the taxi when you can take the jet?!” Think about it and know your inner truth. Involve yourself with he who has no hidden agenda. And since you asked, I’m telling you that you should be enough for him or anyone lucky enough to have you in his life. Do not compromise who you are or what you want. Remember, no one can use you without your permission. Keep your heart open as you start anew. Be in joy and be in love always. Your twin-flame awaits your call. 

Be strong, think positive and know that you have all the tools you need to overcome this. I support you!

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree  in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Ask Eric Anything: Help! I've fallen into a rut and I can't get out.

Dear Eric,
 
Every year I make the same resolutions and every year I make no progress. Literally, ever year for the past six years I have wanted to 1. Go back to school 2. Manage my finances better 3. Lose 20 pounds 4. Get into a LTR. I have tried many different methods of accomplishing these goals but with no luck. My question is, should I continue to look for alternative methods to accomplish these goals or should I take the hint and look for new goals. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely, 
Stuck

Dear Stuck,

First of all, you need to examine the way you are doing things, and figure out what works best for you. Remember, you are in charge of your own happiness. This year offers a new opportunity for you to release the past six-years. Reinvent your own ideology, if you will, and take on the reality of your choosing. Remember, thought creates.

Resolutions are a great way of keeping track of your short and long-term goals but don’t lose track of the bigger picture –your happiness. Pace yourself and work at your own speed. Online classes are a good way of continuing your education without imposing as much on your lifestyle and finances, in essence you can go back to school from the comfort of your own bed or local coffee shop. If you are pursuing an undergraduate degree, there are many colleges offering grants and scholarships (fastweb.com) for whatever your educational endeavors may be.

Managing your finances shouldn’t be a problem as long as you honor yourself; don’t over-spend and lead a lifestyle in which you spend more than you have. Enjoy meals at home and, instead, of going out with friends, host a potluck dinner party – they’re always a smash! If you enjoy the public-social-scene-atmosphere, you can find many budget-friendly alternatives to satisfy your needs. Above all, do not squander your money, respect it and it will respect you; be wise and responsible in your choices and you will succeed in all you do.

Regarding your desire to lose twenty-pounds, you MUST be mindful of what you eat. What are your eating habits? Try keeping a daily log of what you consume and see what you can do differently. You can also read 'The Abs Diet' by David Zinczenko, this book offers work-out exercises and outlines the importance of nourishment and exercise. Avoid fast-foods, greasy foods such as bacon, sausage, lard or anything processed; eliminate sodas (look up on YouTube what it does to your system and educate yourself in your own best interests). Read your labels and ingredients. Do not sabotage yourself for an easy and quick indulgence. Microwaves may be fast and convenient but they do more harm than benefit. Cook for yourself as you would your partner.

If you cannot honor yourself, you are not able to fully give and honor someone else, as cliché as it is, know the truth in these words.

Make sure you are also in a stress-free and positive environment. If you truly release yourself from what is really holding you back (emotionally or psychologically), you will easily lose the extra weight that you want to release. Be a better you for you and no one else but you, however, keep in mind those around you and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In order to have a long term relationship that lasts, you must know that it takes two to fully burn bright. Know that having a relationship is an addition to your reality and not a rescue mission. There is nothing wrong with finally wanting to settle down and be in a relationship, but you must make sure you have your own stability before you can expect someone to take any form of relationship seriously. When your heart speaks, listen to it and it will guide you to your twin-flame. Think of it this way: you already are in a relationship, he’s just on vacation waiting for you to get ready and join him. Love yourself as you would him and you will meet him faster than you know. Remember to honor yourself throughout the courting process and the one you are meant to be with will be a reflection of you.

There’s a quote from 'Sex and the City' I would like to share with you. If you allow it to resonate within you, I find it can be most helpful:

“There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

In essence, if the old routines were not working for you, try doing something new and effective that you will enjoy more than you previously did. I wish you the best of luck and I am cheering for you. Just remember to think with your heart before you start.

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Ask Eric Anything: My off-and-on boyfriend doesn't take me around his friends

Dear Eric,
I've been seeing a guy off and on for a couple of  years now and I am ready for him to make a commitment and I think he is too but I have a problem where he will either hang out with me or he will hang out with his friends but never both together. I thought maybe his friends didn't like me but they have told me that is not the case and that they do like me. I have tried to bring up the issue to my guy but he just kind of shrugs it off and we're back where we started. Should I just let it go or is there something weird going on? (I have a feeling something weird's going on). Thanks!

Signed, Fearing Weird

Dear Fearing Weird,

Fret not, first of all, being on-and-off for two years isn’t a steady-stable relationship. Define what you have and understand where his mind is. Take into account any life-altering decisions you have made which may be a factor into your relationship. If you have a commitment and you feel it in your heart that this relationship is solid enough for you to make improvements, then get ready and take the reins.

If indeed you and his friends get along, go ahead and make plans with them. Live your life as it suits you best and don’t live in fear of his disapproval. In time when his friends ask him out, he’ll be surprised and happy to see you there! Don’t make it awkward and don’t play mind games.

Also, enjoy the world of yours he initially fell in love with. Continue your regular routines and activities. Be the best you that you can be and he will see you differently, in a more positive light, and get a less needy, I-need-to-be-with-you vibe.

Your instincts and your heart will never let you down if you listen. Go with what feels right, maybe he needs space or is going through something.

The key to any successful relationship is communication. Communicate what you want and you will have it. Also, if you want to jumpstart things a bit, start this new year with a new perspective and introduce the concept of courting to pave the way for a more solid foundation. Do something special and romantic, get him flowers and a card and have a night out on the town for two. Tell him how much you appreciate him and the relationship. Be sure to tell - not ask - him that you want to solidify your relationship and open up a new world of being together and socially active together. Don’t imply that you need to be together 24/7 but let him know that you are serious and deserve to be a part of his life. Remember there is someone for everyone and there is someone for you. You deserve to be loved!

Ask Eric Anything: No Cheer Here

Dear Eric,
The holidays are supposed to be a time for cheer and spending time with family and friends but year after year I find myself getting more and more depressed and annoyed around this time of the year. 

I don't get the "Christmas spirit" and haven't for a long time. More than anything, I just see it as another year gone by and what do I have to show for it, nothing. 

The worst part is that everyone I know really tries to "cheer me up" but that just makes me more irritable even though it's not their fault. I'd like to enjoy the season but it just doesn't feel like I can.  Any advice?

Signed, 
No Cheer Here

Dear No Cheer Here,

First of all, you need to see your life in a different light.

With all due respect, your words seem laden with bitterness. Your present mentality seems to be projecting a reality which you have been carrying for years.

You need to let go of the past and break the cycle.

How do you accomplish this? Change the way you see life. As this year comes to an end, look at life with your heart and unconditional love. Do something different. Take care of yourself first. Find love for yourself. Fix whatever makes you unhappy and whatever is affecting your psyche. This way, no matter what external forces are at play, they will no longer affect you in the same manner. Look at the holiday season as an excuse to treat yourself and bask in the glow of the wonderful person you are.

See others with love and free of judgment to start anew. If it gratifies you to do something special for someone else, by all means extend yourself. Don’t allow the holidays to continue to inflict the negative experiences and emotions you have felt over the years.

You are free to live a life full of unlimited bliss, so long as you will it. Every thought creates energy and that energy transforms into reality. You choose the reality you want to live and no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, for you matter and are loved!

Make this holiday season an excuse to enrich your life. go out and buy yourself something to treat yourself for all you accomplished this year - by your standards and no one else’s. This holiday season isn’t just about the “Christmas spirit”, it’s also about embracing the New Year and what’s to come ahead in a world of possibility which will open for you only if you allow it. You mustn’t get in your own way. Do what makes your heart sing.

This season, make it about what makes you happy and full. Start your day with a holiday breakfast, do some holiday decorating and listen to fun music. As the day unfolds to your liking, make the night yours and only yours. That’s right, cater to your needs and make it a romantic night for you. Light your fireplace (if you have one), read your favorite book and cook up a holiday feast for your beloved self or treat yourself to a fine dining experience. Find joy in the things you enjoy doing most. Watch your favorite holiday movies, pause and play at your leisure and follow up with relaxing music of your choice alongside a romantic candlelit bath for one.

By ending this year and starting 2012 with a full heart of love and self-appreciation, you beget what you put out and that is love.  As cliché as it sounds, you can’t fully love someone until you love yourself.  Love yourself and bask in your greatness. Set your calendar, send yourself flowers, a card and have fun with you. See this year as a year of change and growth as you set foot into a new year full of love. By using the law of attraction, the more love you send from within, the more it comes back times three. Start this season with love and enjoy yourself. May you have a year full of love, health, success, joy and bliss!