Showing posts with label Coming Out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coming Out. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tranifesto: Coming Out as Trans after Coming Out as Gay

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am a 39-year-old gay male. Ever since high school, I have geared being more like a female. It was tough when I came out as being gay. I got teased and made fun of in school. My mother accepted me being gay.

“I have tried to be a full-time male, but just was not happy with it. I drank a lot as well. A year ago I decided to start the process of transitioning. I have already decided that I am not going to have the surgery to be a full female. In other words, I’m going to leave the below parts alone, although I want to grow breasts and desire to take some hormones to obtain more fem features.

“My problem is my mother. She accepts me being gay. Today we went shopping and some people referred to me as a female, which did not bother me at all. In the car while she was driving me home, she stated I make an ugly girl. I understand that given she is my birth mother this is hard for her. She knows I want to be more like a girl but does not realize what I am doing. I am totally happy with who I am and who I will become. Just not so sure of my mother?”

One thing that can be difficult for some trans people is having to come out twice – first as a gay man or lesbian, and later as transgender. The way some people see it is similar to the boy who cried, “Wolf!” – so you said you were gay, now you say you’re trans. What are you going to say next week?

What those people don’t realize is that it is not uncommon for trans people to come out as gay or lesbian before coming out as trans. Here are some reasons that could happen:

Monday, July 14, 2014

Former NFL athlete Brad Thorson comes out

Brad Thorson, who was signed by an NFL team three years ago, publicly came out as gay in a blog post last Friday. 

Thorson, who played college football at both the University of Wisconsin and the University of Kansas, was signed by the Arizona Cardinals in 2011 but would never play in a regular season game due to injury. 

Thorson said he found the inspiration to come out from other openly LGBT athletes, as well as out elected officials. "If not for the strength of athletes like Jason Collins, Michael Sam, and Brian Sims, I would likely still be struggling with my own cognitive dissonance."

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Tranifesto: Coming Out – to a Fiancée’s Parents and to a New Date

By Matt Kailey

Here, we have two coming-out posts reflecting very different situations. As always, I encourage readers to chime in. Here goes:

A reader writes: “I identify as a genderfluid/ genderqueer FTM transsexual who presents and lives publicly as male. I’ve been in a relationship with a cissexual, genderqueer person who presents and lives publicly as female for about a year and a half.

“She recently came out to her parents as queer. I’ve been out to my family as queer and trans for years, but I’m not out to her family (and most people in general). It simply doesn’t come up/isn’t any of their business, combined with an intense fear I have of people knowing I’m trans, in part due to an experience of coming out to someone I thought I could trust and his reaction being to rape me to try to prove to me that I’m female. I don’t trust many people with this information.

“My partner and I just got engaged, and everyone is happy for us and all is well and dandy. My concern is that folks in my family (who all know my gender history) will tell other people at the wedding, perhaps even tell everyone at once during a toast. I can’t really imagine a worse way for me to come out to her family.

“The options I see are (1) tell her family ahead of time, (2) keep our families apart/elope, and (3) ask folks in my family not to out me and just hope they are able to do it. Do you see any options I’m missing? I’m just so uncomfortable with all of these options. I imagine this information will eventually make the rounds, but I’d feel much more comfortable if it came up naturally and not as a big announcement.”

That’s a tough one. But there’s one thing missing from all these options, and that is – what does your fiancée think? It’s not her decision when and how you come out, but I think under these circumstances, it’s definitely something that the two of you should discuss together (with you getting the final say if the two of you disagree).

My personal opinion is that you should tell her family ahead of time, and here’s why: The two families will probably have many interactions over the years, even if you elope. Expecting every member of your family to honor an agreement not to out you over the next fifty years might be more than you can reasonably count on.

Just expecting no one to slip up at the wedding might be too much. Even with the best of intentions, someone can easily make a mistake, and there could be one family member who thinks this bit of information might be too juicy to withhold – especially after a few champagne toasts.

Should you be able to count on your family to respect your wishes and not out you? Yes. Can you? Probably not, and that doesn’t mean that your family is horrible or doesn’t respect you or anything other negative thing. It just means that people slip up, people make mistakes, people aren’t perfect. And even if every member of your family takes this information to the grave with them, that doesn’t mean that your in-laws will never find out.

There are people who will disagree with me, and I hope that we will hear from them in the Comments section. But I think that just getting it over with and moving on is the best course of action.

You say that you would like it to come up naturally and not as a big announcement, and at this point, you have control over that. Once Uncle Ralph gets drunk and proposes a toast at the wedding, you no longer have control. So use the control that you do have now to let it come up naturally and matter-of-factly, so that by the time the wedding takes place, it will be old news.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tranifesto: Should I Come Out or Stay In?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I came out as a transman to myself in 2009, to my (cismale) partner, friends, family, and work from 2010-11, started testosterone in 2011, all in the same town, so to know me as male was to know me as trans.

“In the summer of 2012, I moved 900 miles away from everyone I knew to start graduate school in poetry. When I applied, I was excited about exploring my trans identity through poetry and giving back to the community that helped me so much!

“Well, I got here, and I immediately found myself in full ‘stealth’ mode. I am happy to be seen as male, no questions, all the time. My partner and I are seen by everyone in our program, campus, and town as a gay male couple. This is exciting – and new – for me, and I figured once I settled in, I would get back to embracing the ‘trans’ part of me … but it has not happened yet.

“I have not shown a speck of trans poetry in any class, and I have not come out as trans to anyone here. I feel torn. I have lived about 25 years without being consistently seen as male, without being accepted as a fellow guy, without being able to embrace my self as a feminine queer man (and have it embraced by others), so in some ways, not being out feels great.

“On the other hand, I fear that someone will ‘find out’ and that their new knowledge will change our relationship; I feel silenced in my pre-move poetry; and, in a way, I feel I am not being truthful – but what right do they have to ‘know’ what I was assigned at birth? And, sometimes, I feel even more dysphoria, because I compare myself to other cismen – not transmen, as I more often did pre-move. I am on T, yes, but no surgeries for me, for various reasons.

“I feel stuck. I never thought I would ‘go stealth.’ I thought I was coming out here to write trans poetry to give hope to other transmen, but I do not feel that (as much) anymore. What should I do?”
This is a dilemma, and I think it’s one that many trans people have. The situation might not be the same, but the underlying confusion and contradictions certainly are. It’s a central problem with a lot of different “branches,” so I think the way to examine it is to break it down into its various components.

First of all, let’s look at what you said about feeling that you’re not being truthful. I think this could be a huge factor in the angst and indecision that you’re experiencing right now. Get that out of the way first.


You are being truthful. You have been living as a male publicly since 2009, and likely privately – in your head – for many more years than that. I am guessing that your paperwork, or at least some of it, says male. There is no dishonesty here. You have medically transitioned (taking hormones is a medical transition). You are a man.

Your surgical status doesn’t matter. Do you know what’s in the pants of all the professors and students there? I hope not. It’s none of your business, just like it’s none of their business what’s in yours. Being trans is just like any other medical condition, and you wouldn’t feel dishonest if you didn’t reveal your colostomy bag or your history of gallstones or your scars from open-heart surgery.
Whether you decide to come out or not, the first thing you have to do is somehow lose the feeling that you are being deceitful or dishonest in some way. Even if someone came right up to you and asked if you were trans, you could say no and be telling the truth. Many people who transition do not consider themselves trans after transition. They had a medical problem, they fixed it, it’s over.

So I would recommend working on that one, because I think that once you have resolved that in your mind, you will be ready to move on to consider the pros and cons of coming out with regard to your particular situation.

The second thing I would look at is coming out itself. You can come out at any time in your life – tomorrow, next year, ten years from now. But once you’re out, it is almost impossible to go back “in.” If you are truly enjoying your life as it is now, then sit back and enjoy it for a while. Coming out and living openly as trans isn’t for everyone. It might not be for you. Or you might decide, at some later date, that it is exactly what you want – and then you can come out.

As far as someone finding out, there is always that possibility. And it might not only change the relationship, but it could also spread around campus – people love to gossip, and they find this a very exciting thing to gossip about. Almost all trans people who live “stealth” (a word that I don’t like, because I think, by its very nature, it signals secrecy and possibly deception) live with that possibility.
But many people, trans or not, have something in their history that, if it came to light, could change the dynamics of their relationships and has the potential to negatively impact them in some way. If you come out, that could change your relationships with people. If you don’t come out, and someone finds out, that could change your relationships with people.

It’s a no-win situation that might not be fair, but it’s one that trans people have to live with. It’s one that you just have to file away under “if it happens, it happens, and I’ll deal with it then” and let it go. It’s one that you have no control over, so there’s no point in worrying about it either way. Say that serenity poem about accepting the things that you can’t change and move on.

As for comparing yourself to cisgender men and coming up short – cisgender men compare themselves to cisgender men and come up short. Trans men compare themselves to other trans men and come up short. Try to think back to when you were out as trans at your other school – did you really not ever compare yourself to non-trans men?

It sounds to me as if it has more to do with how you think other people see you. Perhaps in your mind, you think that if they know you are trans, they might not expect as much from you with regard to a “manly” presentation, or they might be more “forgiving” of any non-traditional characteristics that you might have. So you might feel more comfortable being out as trans because other people won’t compare you to non-trans men, and then some of the pressure will be off of you to conform to traditional “male” standards of appearance and behavior.

Comparing yourself to non-trans men, and the feelings of inadequacy that appear to result from it, seems to me to stem from what you are afraid that others are perceiving. But others already see you as a man. So this problem is in your head. Lose this, too. And have you seen some of those hot, hunky trans men out there? There are a lot of non-trans guys that I feel much better comparing myself to.

Now we come to probably the most meaningful piece of your dilemma – your poetry. A major goal in your life has been to write poetry as an openly trans man to benefit the trans community and to help other trans guys. Creating poetry, or any kind of art, is the height of personal expression, and you are unable to do it – or you think you are.

You have some options. You can publish your poetry under a pen name. Many people have done it and still do it. It’s true that you don’t get the credit or the accolades, but if you later decide to come out, you can take the credit then.

You can write your poetry and collect it in a large volume. Then, if and when you decide to come out, you can publish it, and you will have a large and impressive collection. You can also write it and just send it to your friends and family members who know that you are trans. This way, you are still sharing it, getting the feedback, and helping others, while keeping your private life private.

The one thing that you shouldn’t do is not write it at all. This is your means of communicating your experiences and it is your creative outlet. If you are a writer, you should write.

You end your letter with “What should I do?” I don’t know. Only you know what you should do. But it sounds to me as if you are feeling pretty good about the life you have right now, other than some self-doubt and some guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and you should not doubt the path that you choose, no matter what it is. Whatever you decide, you should go for it and live it to the fullest, enjoying it every step of the way.

You have plenty of time. Take it. Examine all of your feelings and then decide on the best course of action for you at this moment. That course of action might change over time. All you have to work with is now. So ask yourself what you want to do right now, today, and then do that.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

What would you do?

What Would You Do? from BuzzFeed on Vimeo.

A woman in a coffee shop does the right thing when confronted by an ugly coming out scenario on the show 'What Would You Do' - and so did a lot of other people. Round of applause to all of them!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Check out Gawker's Celebrity Coming Out Timeline

From "When We Knew" to "When Everybody Knew" to "The Big Reveal," Gawker gives it to us straight with Coming Out Timelines on Ricky Martin, Neil Patrick Harris, Sean Hayes, Adam Lambert, and more of the worst-kept closet cases in Hollywood.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Who will you nominate for the 2009 Mayor's Awards for Excellence in the Arts?


Click to embiggen and read.

Then, be sure to head over to the website and nominate your favorite local artists.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Out of the closet ... in middle school?


A recent article in The New York Times looks at the increasingly commonplace phenomenon of LGBT youths coming out in middle school.

"Just how they're faring in a world that wasn't expecting them -- and that isn't so sure a 12-year-old can know if he's gay -- is a complicated question that defies simple geographical explanations," writes Benoit Denizet-Lewis. "... What is clear is that for many gay youth, middle school is more survival than learning -- one parent of a gay teenager I spent time with likened her child's middle school to a 'war zone.'

In Colorado, one resource for gay youth is Rainbow Alley, a drop-in center for 12-21-year-olds which provides health services, counseling and referal, youth-led events and activities, and life resources in a safe and supportive space.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

How to come out at work

With a survey showing that 44% of LGBT workers in the U.S. don't feel at ease mentioning their partners to their co-workers, this article offers tips on deciding when and how to come out. "It has to be the right time for you, and it has to be something that's going to make your day easier," said Vince Bozman, who came out to his co-workers at Starbucks in Chicago.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Who made you gay?


What do Brad Pitt, Richard Gere, and the older brother from 'Flipper' have in common?

Just looking at them was enough to make some guys realize they were gay.

Has that ever happened to you? Did you realize you were gay thanks to a movie or TV show?

Share your experiences with PlanetOut.com.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Come Out and Vote video contest winner

The Human Rights Campaign Foundation, the nation’s largest lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization, announced today the winner of an online video contest aimed at highlighting National Coming Out Day on October 11, 2008. In this crucial election year, individuals from around the country created a short video telling the world how they will come out and vote to make a difference in the hearts and minds of their friends, family, classmates, co-workers and country.

“This year's winner, Tyler Oakley, really captures the energy and spirit I've seen on college campuses across America. Tyler's message exemplifies the power of Generation Equality to change America - with their voices and their votes,” said Candace Gingrich, HRC Youth & Campus Outreach Senior Manager.

HRC staff reviewed the video entries and chose the winner. Oakley, a 19-year-old Michigan State University student, will receive an all-expense paid trip to Washington, D.C. and will have the opportunity to be on XM radio’s show, “The Agenda with Joe Solmonese.” Along with his guest post on www.HRCBackStory.org, it will also be featured on HRC's website, YouTube channel, and Facebook and MySpace pages.
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Sunday, October 5, 2008

National Coming Out Day Video Contest


The Human Rights Campaign Foundation, the nation’s largest lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization, announced today an online video contest in anticipation of National Coming Out Day on October 11, 2008. In this crucial election year, individuals are invited to create a short video telling the world how they will come out and vote to make a difference in the hearts and minds of their friends, family, classmates, co-workers and country.

“When you come out, you can change the hearts and minds of those in your life; when you come out to vote, you can change the whole country,” said Candace Gingrich, HRC Youth & Campus Outreach Senior Manager. “We have the right to live our lives openly and honestly and to walk down our streets without fear of hate. How do we gain and protect these rights? We vote.”

Human Rights Campaign also released a National Coming Out Day awareness video, produced by the HRC media center. The video is now available onlinealong with a listing of events taking place across the country: http://www.hrc.org/issues/10772.htm.

Key HRC staff will review the video entries. The winner will receive an all-expense paid trip to Washington, D.C. and will have the opportunity to be on XM radio’s show, “The Agenda with Joe Solmonese.” The winning video will also be featured on HRC’s website, YouTube channel, Facebook and MySpace pages and HRC’s blog, www.HRCBackStory.org.

Entrants must be at least 18 years to 25 years of age at time of entry and may submit one video during the contest period from now until October 20, 2008. For additional criteria and questions on how to enter, visit: www.hrc.org/ComingOutContest.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Clay Aiken is gay - comes out on the cover of the new 'People' magazine


Newsworthy? Yes.

Particularly surprising? No.

According to reports, 'American Idol's' Clay Aiken is on the cover of the new 'People' magazine accompanied by the headline, "Yes, I'm Gay."

The issue, and Aiken, are out tomorrow.

Read more at The Huffington Post.