By Todd Craig
Let's face it, being gay ain't easy.
Sure, many in the straight world think of our fabulous gay
lives as a blur of clubs, gyms, sex and shopping for the latest fashions. And while behind most stereotypes
exists at least a bit of truth, we don't reach our gay potential because of any
of these places or things.
The truth is that being a successful queer depends on
cultivating a number of close friendships with many different types of
allies. These relationships give
us the strength to come out and survive the process. They are showcased during teary, late-night phone calls
after a bad break up. These are
our steadfast companions throughout all of our fashion faux pas, bad dye jobs,
and men we knew better than to sleep with. These peeps always return our texts without delay. They are
our consciences, our counselors, and our confidants. They are Jiminy Crickets to our Pinocchios. Charlottes to our Carries. Spocks to our Kirks.
So just who are these people? Who are these friends that help make us, us? Take a look below and see if you
recognize a few of these from your own life:
The Opposite-Sex Prom Date (OSPD): High school prom is a rite of passage
for all, but for us gay boys, prom serves as a special conundrum. The prom represents the ultimate crescendo
in the world of straight adolescent dating. And as tempted as we might be to avoid such dalliances into
worlds where we don't belong, there is just too much fashion and decorating for
a queer to simply pass. So for a
one night at least, many of us swallow our gay pride and team up with a member
of the opposite sex to don the most fashionable tuxedo and the overpriced
corsage. Fortunately, our OSPD is
more than happy to be there for us going to prom committee meetings, advocating
for your prom theme idea, and letting us take control when it was time for
dress shopping.
The Fag Hag (FH): The all-important fag hag is the next step in the evolution
from OSPD. Suddenly, you realize
that you're both adults, both struggling dating men who are assholes, and
spending wayyyyy too many nights having Ryan Gosling DVD marathons in bed
together mixing another round of lemon drops and wondering why you're both
still single when you're both so fucking fabulous. This relationship often lasts many years and is known to
survive virtually challenges like dating controlling guys, changes in jobs, and
leaving your FH to find her own ride from the club so that you can go home with
that guy you've been making eye contact with all night. To be honest, life without your FH
would be like Oreos without the white stuff - everything would come unglued
and be half as sweet.
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| Ben Cohen - famous straight friend to gay men |
The Open-Minded Straight Male Friend (OMSMF): Open-Minded, Straight Male Friend
usually arrives in your life by starting out as your straight crush. He's usually smart, funny, dresses well,
and represents everything you want in a man – except that he likes the
ladies. Maybe you tried to kiss
him after a few drinks. Heck, he's
so cool with your being gay that he probably let you. But in the end, there was nothing in the end. What's nice though is that he is your
advocate in all things involving the straight world. For example, he always insists that you play the office
March Madness pool and then fills out your brackets for you even after you've
told him you don't give a shit. He
makes sure that he doesn't use the word “cocksucker” as a pejorative in your
presence and invites you to his Super Bowl party making sure to go out of his
way to tell you that it's really ok for you to bring a date. OMSMF is cool like that, and
single-handedly is the reason why we continue to pine for straight boys.
The Favorite Relative (FR): Maybe it was the Aunt who didn't rat you out when she saw
you smoking cigarettes in front of the mall. Maybe it's your cousin who was a couple of years older than
you and knew you were gay before you even did. Maybe it's your nephew who wants to open up presents from
you first because you always get the best toys. Whatever the case, your favorite relative is the one who
makes family gatherings tolerable and reminds you that relatives can be ok
despite the fact that the recessive genes in your bloodline seem to overrule
Darwin and consequently make those few days together at Christmas or
Thanksgiving an no-man's-land between family, frustration, and futility.
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| T-Shirt by Heartshop at Zazzle |
The eX Turned Into a Friend (XTIF): I
think you're only allowed one or two of these in a lifetime. Any more than that and you end up
undermining every chance you get at having a real relationship or being
categorized as a slut. Your XTIF and you probably weren't meant to ever date,
much less sleep together, but that didn't really stop you now, did it? You're definitely too much alike to
ever succeed as a couple, but after getting over the hurt feelings of your
breakup, you realized that your XTIF was too much fun for clubbing, shopping,
and talking shit about others to really ever let them leave your life
permanently. So you've both let go
of your sexual history (mostly), and have made a go of it as friends, which is
awesome because there's no more intimate a friendship than with someone with
whom you've been intimate.
At the end of the day, we gays aren't defined by the labels
we wear or the hours we log at the gym.
And despite our love of fashions, the clothes certainly don't make the
gay man; that's far too shallow a stereotype. Ultimately our lives are defined by the people who help us
learn, grow, and share in the events that become the memories of a gay life
well-lived.
