Tranifesto: Trans Etiquette for Non-Trans People

By Matt Kailey

Working with, befriending, or otherwise interacting with trans people is not scary or difficult. We are pretty much like everyone else, and we are not a monolithic community. We are men, women, Democrat, Republican, Independent, liberal, moderate, conservative, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, atheist, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, interesting, boring — just about everything.


We have various occupations, from doctor to ditch-digger. You can run into us at parties, at the mall, at the grocery store, or at your local PTA meeting. In many cases, you might not even recognize us as trans. But if you do, or if you are the friend or co-worker of someone who is transitioning, there are some basic points of etiquette that you can keep in mind to help you interact respectfully with a trans person.


1. Treat trans people as you would treat anyone else.

Don’t do things to call attention to a trans person, even if your goal is to let that person know that you accept him or her – no winking, smiling, little innuendos. If you wink at a person, he or she might think you want a date. If you do, then go for it.

2. Use the correct name and pronoun.

The correct name is whatever the person has given you. The correct pronoun is whatever gender the person is presenting. Most cultures have clothing or other appearance markers that designate gender for that culture – that are considered masculine or feminine.

Names also give off clues, because most cultures have names that are considered masculine or feminine. If you ask the person’s name and he or she says “Pat,” then the joke’s on you.

If you are unsure of which pronoun to use, and you really need to know, just ask – most trans people won’t be offended and see this as a sign of respect. But don’t ask if the person is obviously expressing a female or male gender.

3. If you make a mistake with a pronoun or name, move on.

Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you are alone with the person, apologize and drop it. If you are in a crowd, just move on. Don’t draw attention to your slip-up by making a face or groaning, falling all over yourself to apologize, or making excuses to others around you. It will just make things uncomfortable for everyone.

Let it go and make sure that you use the correct name and pronoun the next chance you get. But don’t stick in some hokey, off-topic phrase just so you can use the right name or pronoun – we are wise to that, and other people will just think you’re having a ’60s flashback.

(Keep in mind that, in some work settings where there are laws covering gender identity, intentionally using an incorrect name or pronoun because you don’t “approve” of the trans person or because you want to shame or out that person could be considered harassment and grounds for disciplinary action. Trans people know the difference between an accidental slip-up and intentional misuse.)

4. Don’t say, “I’ll never get that pronoun (or name) right.”

When you say this, you are saying, “I don’t care enough to try.” One thing that helps is to see the person as an entirely new and different individual instead of a man who you now have to call “she” or a woman who you now have to call “he.” Try it – it really works.

5. Don’t say, “You will always be a man (or woman) to me.”

Again, you are saying, “I don’t care enough or respect you enough to see who you really are,” “My feelings are more important than yours,” or “I don’t recognize you as a person.” This isn’t about you. It is about the person with whom you want to stay friends.

6. Don’t touch the person inappropriately or ask personal questions unless you are invited to do so.

Trans people are not public property. Touching something on a person to see if it is “real” or asking personal questions about a person’s body or sex life is inappropriate – unless the person has invited you to “ask me anything.” Otherwise, do not do or say anything that you would not do or say to anyone else.

7. Don’t “out” a trans person.

If you see a person on the street that you know to be trans, it is a private matter and not appropriate to tell your friends that the person is trans. It is also not appropriate to mention anything that would “out” a trans person if you are with that person in a public setting – unless you want that person to tell everyone what you did at the office party last year.

8. Don’t make assumptions.

Don’t assume that the trans person you are talking to is politically liberal (or conservative), straight (or gay), happy (or unhappy), poor (or rich), and so on. We are all very different.

And don’t assume that this person wants to educate you about trans issues or even discuss them. If the person wants to talk about trans issues, he or she will bring them up. For some of us, talking about trans stuff is like being at work all the time. If you’re stuck for conversation, the weather is always a good fallback position. Trans people get hot and cold, too.

Use common sense and respect and you will be fine. 

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: The Books of Matt Kailey

Teeny Weenies and Other Short Subjects
Teeny Weenies and Other Short Subjects takes a long, hard look at getting the short end of the stick, both before and after transition from female to male. This collection of humorous essays explores identity, sexuality, and growing up female in a world with two sexes, two genders – and no exceptions.

Teeny Weenies and Other Short Subjects is available in paperback, on Kindle, and as an eBook download.
 

Just Add Hormones (recommended by Chaz Bono)

Just Add Hormones: An Insider’s Guide to the Transsexual Experience (Beacon Press) is an exploration of gender, sexuality, body image, and personal identity, as seen through the eyes of one transsexual man.

Just Add Hormones was on the Rocky Mountain News local bestseller list in September 2005 and was a finalist for a Lambda Literary Award. It is available in hardcover, paperback, and on Kindle.

Focus on the Fabulous Focus on the Fabulous: Colorado GLBT Voices (Johnson Books) is a collection of 33 Colorado GLBT authors writing about their lives, their loves, and their state. Don’t miss this first-ever volume of Colorado GLBT short fiction, creative nonfiction, poetry, and experimental writing. 

Focus on the Fabulous was on the Denver Post local bestseller list in September 2007. It is available in paperback.

Our Day Will Come Our Day Will Come is a novel that explores family relationships, ageism, independence, and authenticity as two gay men struggle to build a relationship in a nursing home. It is available in softcover through online booksellers.

Our Day Will Come is available in paperback and on Kindle.

 

Tranifesto: A Basic Transgender FAQ

By Matt Kailey

What is the difference between sex and gender?
Sex is strictly biological – the physical body – while gender encompasses biological, cognitive, and social aspects of a human being, including identity, expression, and the expectations of others. Because gender and sex are not the same thing, it is possible for a person’s sex and gender to disagree. When this happens, it can be extremely problematic for the person dealing with this incongruity, and it can often be life-threatening, due to the potential for suicide. This sex/gender incongruity has been determined by many professional organizations and courts to be a medical condition.


What is gender identity?
Gender identity is a primary aspect of gender. It is how a person sees and feels about him- or herself. For most people, gender identity corresponds with physical sex. For some, the two are not in alignment. People whose gender identity and physical sex do not agree are often called transgender (preferred) or transgendered (preferred by me, but considered offensive by some others), although each person has his or her own way of identifying.

Does this have anything to do with sexual orientation?
Gender identity and sexual orientation are different concepts in Western culture. Sexual orientation refers to a person’s attractions. Gender identity refers to who a person believes him- or herself to be. Transgender and transsexual people can have any sexual orientation. It is also possible for sexual attraction to change after transition. It is better not to put too much importance on labels such as gay, lesbian, and straight. In many ways, trans people confound the “simple” expectations of sexual orientation that go with such labels.


What is the binary gender system?
Western culture, and many other cultures, have a two-gender system that corresponds with two identified sexes – male and female. At birth, a person is identified as either male or female, based on the appearance of the body, and is assigned that sex and the cultural gender roles and expectations that go along with that sex. In a binary gender system, there is not much room for crossover or variation from that assigned sex and gender.

What is the difference between a transgender person and a transsexual person?
The term transgender is often used to refer to anyone who deviates from the very strict gender norms of our binary gender system, either intentionally or unintentionally. Those who transgress gender norms often suffer repercussions, in the form of discrimination or even violence. A more narrow and specific definition of transgender would be a person whose gender identity is not in alignment with his or her physical body, either all or part of the time.

The term transsexual is generally used to refer to a person who has undergone medical treatments, such as hormones and/or surgery, to correct the physical body to match the gender identity. It can also refer to a person who lives full-time in the gender that matches his or her identity, whether or not that person has made any physical changes with hormones and/or surgery. Another definition is a person who is born with a medical condition that causes disagreement between the physical body and the gender identity. Like the term transgender, different people define the term transsexual in different ways.

Some transsexual people see themselves as transgender. Others do not. Many transsexual people, after they have undergone medical treatments to correct the body, do not see themselves as transsexual at all, but as men or women who have remedied a medical condition.

What is transition?
Transition is a process that can involve any or all of the following: medical treatments, including hormones and/or surgery, in order to bring the body into alignment with the gender identity; legal procedures, such as name change and gender marker change on legal documents; and social adjustments, including adjusting to living in the gender that matches one’s identity. There are many terms used to describe this transition, including gender transition, gender reassignment, sex reassignment, and sex correction.

The simplest, and most appropriate, term is “transition,” but the most familiar term to many non-trans people is “sex change.” Most people in the transgender and transsexual communities see this term as derogatory. There are also many who do not like the terms “gender transition” or “gender reassignment,” because they have always been the gender that they are – they have always had the same gender identity – so they have not “reassigned” their gender. They have corrected their sex – their physical body – to match that gender.

What is gender diversity?
Gender diversity encompasses all areas of gender. Gender diverse people are often considered those who do not conform to the specific gender norms set out by the culture. Some would consider all gender diverse people to be transgender. Those who use a narrower definition of transgender would not.

Why is it important to learn about gender identity, gender diversity, and transgender and transsexual people?
Gender diverse people are all around us. More and more transgender and transsexual people are going through transition or are expressing their gender in ways that might be confusing to some or that might not conform to the expectations of the binary gender system. In the past, people who transitioned quit their job and moved away to start over again. Now many are remaining in their neighborhood and in their employment situation. Understanding gender diversity can make it easier to interact with the public, to work with a gender diverse boss, employee, or coworker, or to handle a transition in the workplace.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: Ten Things Not to Say to a Trans Person

By Matt Kailey

Many trans people (including myself) speak and train in a variety of venues, and we do so because it is important to us to educate non-trans people about who we are. We get a lot of comments and a lot of questions in those settings, and unless we have specified that a particular topic is off-limits (I never do), we expect and are happy to answer any and all questions that come our way. In that situation, as the old cliché goes, there are no stupid questions.

But there is a big difference between a training or educational setting and a social or workplace environment. When we speak or train, we make the choice to answer questions, respond to comments, and so on. When we’re eating fast food, shopping at the mall, or just meeting someone for the first time in a social setting, we’re sometimes caught off guard.

So I present “Ten Things Not to Say to a Trans Person” (all of which have been said to me at one time or another) as a cautionary reminder to those non-trans folks outside of a formal educational or training setting.

1. “Have you had ‘the operation'”? (Equally offensive: “Have you had ‘the surgery?'” or “Are you pre-op or post-op?” or “Are you done?”)

There is no one “operation.” Trans people have many surgeries or no surgeries. We know what you’re talking about, but we like to pretend that we don’t just to annoy you. Like you, we consider our private parts private. You show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.

But transition is not all about genitalia – in fact, the social aspects of transition can be far more complicated, complex, and compelling. To ask about surgery is to disregard every other aspect of a person as a human being – not to mention the fact that you would not likely ask anyone else you know about his or her genitalia.

Unless you’re asking me to sleep with you, what’s underneath my clothes should not be of concern. And if you are asking me to sleep with you, then I’d like to see what’s underneath your clothes before I make my final decision.

2. “Which bathroom do you use?”

We use the bathroom that matches the gender that we are presenting (if the law allows). We use the bathroom that is right for us (if we can), just like you use the bathroom that is right for you. And we use the bathroom for the same reason that you do. We have no interest in seeing or hearing anything that you are doing in there, and we would prefer that you not take an undue interest in us. We just want to get in, take care of business, and get out. If you have seen most public restrooms, you will understand why.

3. “If you combed your hair a certain way, walked a certain way, did ______ (fill in the blank) a certain way, you would be more masculine/feminine.”

Thanks for the tip. Now, as for what’s wrong with you …

4. “When did you decide to become transgender/transsexual?”

We didn’t “decide” to “become” this way. We were born this way. When did you “decide” what gender you were – or did you just know? We may have made a “decision” to transition, but most trans people will tell you that transition is not a choice – it is a medical necessity, and any “decision” that was made was simply the decision to continue to live, which necessitated transition.

5. “You pass really well.”

While some trans people may take this as a compliment, especially in the early stages of transition, “passing” implies that a person is not what he or she seems to be – that the person is “passing” for something else. Unless you’re a driving instructor, if you want to give a compliment, just say, “You look nice today” or “That color looks good on you” or whatever you would say to anyone else.

6. “I thought you’d be a monster – but you’re just a normal person!”

Catch me during the next full moon.

7. “How do you have sex?”

Buy me dinner and I’ll show you.

Seriously, there are many ways to have sex, and trans people have sex just like everyone else. Sex is not just the missionary position, although trans people have sex this way as well. But if you’re strictly the “tab A into slot B” type of person, you might be missing out on some things yourself.

(Equally offensive: “How do you go to the bathroom?” Umm, there’s this thing called the urinary tract …)

8. “I can still see the woman (or the man) in you.”

Darn, did I forget to zip up my pants again?

But seriously, most trans people would prefer not to be reminded of their previous incarnation, if you will. While those who say this generally mean no harm and are just being sentimental about a “person” they miss from their past, those who have transitioned usually don’t share the same sentimentality about their pre-transition self, so no matter what you see, it’s best to keep it to yourself.

9. “Are you afraid that people will hate you or want to hurt you?”

Yes. But I try not to think about it unless someone brings it up.

10. “What does being a man (or a woman) mean to you?”

It means not being asked that kind of question, because you would never ask a non-trans man (or a non-trans woman) the same question.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: Trans-lations

By Matt Kailey

What follows are some of the most commonly used words on this blog and website, as well as definitions of words that you might find when reading other, related material. Please understand that definitions can vary, and that different people may use different definitions. These are mine. I have tried to cover variations as much as possible.

It is also important to respect a person’s individual identity and not to impose an identity or an adjective onto someone who appears to meet a certain “definition.” This is sometimes difficult, especially when reporting news, but every attempt should be made.

Sex: refers to a person’s physical body, such as genitalia and secondary sex characteristics, and physical makeup, such as chromosomes. Because a person’s body is usually consistent with a person’s gender identity and chromosomal makeup, some people say that a person is “born male” or “born female” (terms that I generally use). Because a person’s body is not always consistent with a person’s gender identity, and because there can be variations in genitalia and chromosomal makeup, some people say that a person is “assigned male at birth” or “assigned female at birth.” This is accurate, because sometimes that assignation is incorrect.

Gender: refers to various aspects of a person and contains both biological and social components. While some people consider gender to be strictly a social construct, I maintain that there is a biological component, because if there were not, all people could be socialized into or “taught” the gender that matches the physical body. Gender involves gender identity, or how a person sees him- or herself; gender expression or presentation, which includes behaviors, mannerisms, appearance, clothing, and outward presentation; and gender expectations, which includes gender roles designated by a person’s culture.

Transgender: Transgender is an adjective, not a noun. Someone can be a transgender person, but no one is “a transgender.” While some people use the term “transgendered,” and I have done so in the past and actually prefer it, I use the term “transgender” now because it is broadly accepted, and many people find the term “transgendered” offensive (I am not one of them). There are many variations on this particular term. Here are several:

1. Refers to a person whose gender identity and physical body (sex) are not in alignment or do not agree, either all or part of the time. This is a narrow definition that I prefer, but many people prefer a broader definition.

2. Refers to a person who transgresses the gender norms of Western culture’s binary gender system (two-gender system), either all or part of the time and either intentionally or unintentionally. While everyone transgresses gender norms at some time or other, this definition generally encompasses those people who are viewed negatively or who are discriminated against because of their gender identity or gender presentation.

3. Encompasses both definitions above and also includes transsexual people, or those who have made changes to their physical body to bring the body into alignment with the gender identity.

Transsexual: Transsexual is generally used as an adjective (transsexual person), although some people, including myself, use it as a noun (a transsexual). It is probably best used as an adjective, although I slip up sometimes, because I identify as a transsexual and sometimes call myself “a transsexual” instead of a transsexual person. Definitions of this term also vary. Here are some:

1. Refers to a person who has made changes to the body through hormones and/or surgery to bring the body into alignment with the gender identity, or a person who lives full-time in the gender that matches his or her gender identity without hormones and/or surgery.

2. Refers to a person who is born with a medical condition that causes incongruity between the gender identity and the physical body. Using this definition, a person is born transsexual.

In either of the two definitions above, there are some people who consider themselves to be transsexual even after bringing the body into alignment with the gender identity through hormones and/or surgery (transition). There are other people who do not consider themselves to be transsexual after transition, but are men or women after the corrections are made.

It should be noted that there are some people who consider themselves to be both transgender and transsexual, and there are some who separate these two concepts completely and do not see them as related.

Trans man or transman: refers to a person who was born female (or assigned female at birth) and identifies as or has transitioned to male. Other terms include FTM (female-to-male), trans masculine or transmasculine person, transsexual man, transgender man, and man.

Trans woman or transwoman: refers to a person who was born male (or assigned male at birth) and identifies as or has transitioned to female. Other terms include MTF (male-to-female), transsexual woman, transgender woman, and woman.

Transition: refers to a process that includes changing or correcting the body or physical sex to match the gender identity through hormones and/or surgery, name change, legal paperwork changes, social adjustment, and other changes and adjustments necessary to live in the gender that matches the identity.

Trans: short for transgender, transsexual, or both. Because of variations in the definitions of transgender and transsexual, it is sometimes easier and more appropriate to use “trans” as a general term.


Non-trans: refers to a person whose gender identity and physical body (sex) are congruent or have matched since birth. Many people prefer the term cisgender or cissexual (“cis” meaning “on the same side as”). I prefer the term non-trans, and at this point, that is the term I use.

These are just a handful of definitions. There are many more. If a person you are talking to uses a word that you don’t understand, it is okay to ask that person to define the word for you. Even if a person uses a word that you are familiar with, he or she might mean something different from what you have seen here or have been told by someone else. It’s okay to say, “I know what that word means to me. What does it mean to you?” That way, you are not making assumptions about someone else’s identity or language.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: A Basic Transgender FAQ

By Matt Kailey

What is the difference between sex and gender?
Sex is strictly biological – the physical body – while gender encompasses biological, cognitive, and social aspects of a human being, including identity, expression, and the expectations of others. Because gender and sex are not the same thing, it is possible for a person’s sex and gender to disagree. When this happens, it can be extremely problematic for the person dealing with this incongruity, and it can often be life-threatening, due to the potential for suicide. This sex/gender incongruity has been determined by many professional organizations and courts to be a medical condition.
What is gender identity?
Gender identity is a primary aspect of gender. It is how a person sees and feels about him- or herself. For most people, gender identity corresponds with physical sex. For some, the two are not in alignment. People whose gender identity and physical sex do not agree are often called transgender (preferred) or transgendered (preferred by me, but considered offensive by some others), although each person has his or her own way of identifying.

Does this have anything to do with sexual orientation?
Gender identity and sexual orientation are different concepts in Western culture. Sexual orientation refers to a person’s attractions. Gender identity refers to who a person believes him- or herself to be. Transgender and transsexual people can have any sexual orientation. It is also possible for sexual attraction to change after transition. It is better not to put too much importance on labels such as gay, lesbian, and straight. In many ways, trans people confound the “simple” expectations of sexual orientation that go with such labels.
What is the binary gender system?
Western culture, and many other cultures, have a two-gender system that corresponds with two identified sexes – male and female. At birth, a person is identified as either male or female, based on the appearance of the body, and is assigned that sex and the cultural gender roles and expectations that go along with that sex. In a binary gender system, there is not much room for crossover or variation from that assigned sex and gender.

What is the difference between a transgender person and a transsexual person?
The term transgender is often used to refer to anyone who deviates from the very strict gender norms of our binary gender system, either intentionally or unintentionally. Those who transgress gender norms often suffer repercussions, in the form of discrimination or even violence. A more narrow and specific definition of transgender would be a person whose gender identity is not in alignment with his or her physical body, either all or part of the time.

The term transsexual is generally used to refer to a person who has undergone medical treatments, such as hormones and/or surgery, to correct the physical body to match the gender identity. It can also refer to a person who lives full-time in the gender that matches his or her identity, whether or not that person has made any physical changes with hormones and/or surgery. Another definition is a person who is born with a medical condition that causes disagreement between the physical body and the gender identity. Like the term transgender, different people define the term transsexual in different ways.

Some transsexual people see themselves as transgender. Others do not. Many transsexual people, after they have undergone medical treatments to correct the body, do not see themselves as transsexual at all, but as men or women who have remedied a medical condition.

What is transition?
Transition is a process that can involve any or all of the following: medical treatments, including hormones and/or surgery, in order to bring the body into alignment with the gender identity; legal procedures, such as name change and gender marker change on legal documents; and social adjustments, including adjusting to living in the gender that matches one’s identity. There are many terms used to describe this transition, including gender transition, gender reassignment, sex reassignment, and sex correction.

The simplest, and most appropriate, term is “transition,” but the most familiar term to many non-trans people is “sex change.” Most people in the transgender and transsexual communities see this term as derogatory. There are also many who do not like the terms “gender transition” or “gender reassignment,” because they have always been the gender that they are – they have always had the same gender identity – so they have not “reassigned” their gender. They have corrected their sex – their physical body – to match that gender.

What is gender diversity?
Gender diversity encompasses all areas of gender. Gender diverse people are often considered those who do not conform to the specific gender norms set out by the culture. Some would consider all gender diverse people to be transgender. Those who use a narrower definition of transgender would not.

Why is it important to learn about gender identity, gender diversity, and transgender and transsexual people?
Gender diverse people are all around us. More and more transgender and transsexual people are going through transition or are expressing their gender in ways that might be confusing to some or that might not conform to the expectations of the binary gender system. In the past, people who transitioned quit their job and moved away to start over again. Now many are remaining in their neighborhood and in their employment situation. Understanding gender diversity can make it easier to interact with the public, to work with a gender diverse boss, employee, or coworker, or to handle a transition in the workplace.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: Test Your TQ: A Trans Quiz for Non-Trans People

By Matt Kailey

I found this blog post (originally published December 2, 2010) and thought it might be fun to add it to my FAQ and Info pages. Yes, it’s snarky, but it’s all in good fun. I love non-trans people. Some of my best friends aren’t trans. They’re the nicest people I know – and they all have a great sense of humor (I hope).

So, non-trans readers – let’s test your TQ:

1. Trans people are “done” with transition when:  
a. we’ve had “the operation.”
b. the little red thermometer pops out of our butt.
c. we get fired from our job.
d. we are in the place we want to be, physically and emotionally.

The correct answer is “d.” (Answer “b” is just an urban myth created by Butterball.)

2. Trans people use public restrooms because:  
a. we want to spy on you.
b. all the cool people hang out there.
c. public restrooms are so nice and clean, and the toilet paper is squeezably soft.
d. we have to pee.

The correct answer is “d.” (If you answered “a,” stop flattering yourself.)

3. Many trans people are very vocal political activists because:
a. we love the weather in D.C.
b. we don’t get enough attention just by being trans.
c. we hope to meet Sarah Palin someday.
d. we want the same rights and protections that everyone else has.

The correct answer is “d.” (D.C. weather plays havoc with our hair.)

4. Trans people “choose” to be trans because:
a. let’s face it – everyday life is kinda boring.
b. who doesn’t want to experience scorn, ridicule, and physical danger on a regular basis?
c. we never really wanted to have a job, anyway.
d. there is no “because” – trans people don’t “choose” to be trans.

The correct answer is “d.” (Let’s face it – everyday trans life is kinda boring, too … except when we’re being scorned, ridiculed, and put in physical danger.)

5. Which of the following people is trans?  
a. RuPaul. 
b. Felicity Huffman.
c. Sarah Palin.
d. None of above.

The correct answer is “d.” (RuPaul is a drag queen with a male gender identity. Felicity Huffman is a non-trans actor, but she did play a trans woman in Transamerica – and no, I don’t know her. Sarah Palin is … well … I’m not sure.)

Scoring:
0-2: Oh – so you’re Sarah Palin!

3-4: You’re getting there. Keep reading this blog and try again later.

5: You’re an honorary trans person! So … when are you having “the operation”? Thanks to all the non-trans people who read this blog and support trans rights and equality!

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission. 

Tranifesto: Five Points for Non-Trans People About Public Restroom Use

By Matt Kailey

The issue of trans people and restroom use is about as sticky as a public-toilet seat, but the arguments against equality in public accommodations are as flimsy as the toilet paper in those same facilities.

Below are five points that I think are important for non-trans people to understand about the tissue … I mean, issue.

1. Trans people are in the bathroom for the same reason that you are – to use the facilities and be on our way. The use of public restrooms is often far more uncomfortable for trans people than it is for non-trans people in the next stall, especially at the beginning of transition. We are not interested in what you’re doing, we would prefer that you take no interest in what we’re doing, and we have far more important things to do than linger there so that either one of us can pay attention to the other.

2. The use of public restrooms is far more of a safety issue for trans people than it is for non-trans people in the next stall. Depending on state laws, we can be arrested in some public restrooms if the gender marker on our identification does not match the gender we are presenting. In other cases, we can be detained and questioned if the sign on the restroom door does not match the gender we are presenting.

Because state laws differ with regard to when and how trans people can change our gender markers, in many cases, we are stuck in a no-win situation. If we are not able to change our gender markers because of a particular state law, do we use the restroom that matches our gender presentation or our ID? Either one can result in trouble. And that’s the last thing we want. We only want to use the facilities like everyone else.

In addition, depending on which restroom we use, or are sometimes forced to use, we also risk physical and sexual assault. This is not a pleasant situation for us, so we don’t plan to hang out there unnecessarily.

3. Regardless of what opponents argue, public accommodations laws and other laws regarding trans restroom use do not allow adult men to enter women’s or girls’ restrooms. We have had a public accommodations law in Colorado, where I live, since 2008, and I have not yet heard of any such incidents. Sexual predators have many ways of preying on victims, and putting on women’s clothing, a wig, makeup, and other such accoutrement is far more complicated and risky than other means of accessing victims. There is no indication that laws allowing trans people to use the restroom that corresponds to our gender identity and expression will result in an increase in sexual perpetration or increased opportunities for such. Trans people are not sexual perpetrators, and, as stated above, are at more risk of victimization ourselves.

4. You really don’t know the genitalia of anyone using the stall next to yours. You might think that you do, but the reality is that, unless you have been intimate with that person, you don’t. So laws that involve genitalia are not sound and are not enforceable. Short of “genital checks,” they are all based on assumptions, and assumptions are often wrong.

5. Unisex bathrooms can be good for a variety of situations, if they are clean and available to all. They are costly to put in, but I predict that, eventually, all workplaces and public spaces will be required to have them, and trans people will not be the primary reason for the requirement. It would behoove non-trans people to actively support the construction of unisex restrooms in public spaces (not for us – for you, if we make you uncomfortable). While no one should be required to use them, they should be available to both trans and non-trans people who want to use them.

The bottom line (no pun intended) is this: Do you really want to know what everyone else in the bathroom is doing? Me either. So if you promise to ignore me, I promise to ignore you. Let’s get out of here and get on with life.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: Trans Etiquette for Non-Trans People

By Matt Kailey

Working with, befriending, or otherwise interacting with trans people is not scary or difficult. We are pretty much like everyone else, and we are not a monolithic community. We are men, women, Democrat, Republican, Independent, liberal, moderate, conservative, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, atheist, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, interesting, boring — just about everything.

We have various occupations, from doctor to ditch-digger. You can run into us at parties, at the mall, at the grocery store, or at your local PTA meeting. In many cases, you might not even recognize us as trans. But if you do, or if you are the friend or co-worker of someone who is transitioning, there are some basic points of etiquette that you can keep in mind to help you interact respectfully with a trans person.

1. Treat trans people as you would treat anyone else.
Don’t do things to call attention to a trans person, even if your goal is to let that person know that you accept him or her – no winking, smiling, little innuendos. If you wink at a person, he or she might think you want a date. If you do, then go for it.

2. Use the correct name and pronoun.
The correct name is whatever the person has given you. The correct pronoun is whatever gender the person is presenting. Most cultures have clothing or other appearance markers that designate gender for that culture – that are considered masculine or feminine.

Names also give off clues, because most cultures have names that are considered masculine or feminine. If you ask the person’s name and he or she says “Pat,” then the joke’s on you.

If you are unsure of which pronoun to use, and you really need to know, just ask – most trans people won’t be offended and see this as a sign of respect. But don’t ask if the person is obviously expressing a female or male gender.

3. If you make a mistake with a pronoun or name, move on.
Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you are alone with the person, apologize and drop it. If you are in a crowd, just move on. Don’t draw attention to your slip-up by making a face or groaning, falling all over yourself to apologize, or making excuses to others around you. It will just make things uncomfortable for everyone.

Let it go and make sure that you use the correct name and pronoun the next chance you get. But don’t stick in some hokey, off-topic phrase just so you can use the right name or pronoun – we are wise to that, and other people will just think you’re having a ’60s flashback.

(Keep in mind that, in some work settings where there are laws covering gender identity, intentionally using an incorrect name or pronoun because you don’t “approve” of the trans person or because you want to shame or out that person could be considered harassment and grounds for disciplinary action. Trans people know the difference between an accidental slip-up and intentional misuse.)

4. Don’t say, “I’ll never get that pronoun (or name) right.”
When you say this, you are saying, “I don’t care enough to try.” One thing that helps is to see the person as an entirely new and different individual instead of a man who you now have to call “she” or a woman who you now have to call “he.” Try it – it really works.

5. Don’t say, “You will always be a man (or woman) to me.”
Again, you are saying, “I don’t care enough or respect you enough to see who you really are,” “My feelings are more important than yours,” or “I don’t recognize you as a person.” This isn’t about you. It is about the person with whom you want to stay friends.

Tranifesto: Did You Have Doubts About Transition?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I turned 33 and for all my life, I’ve always tended to dress and act in a manly way. I don’t like the traces of femininity on my body but I learned to live with it. The last nine years I identified as a lesbian and was quite content, although I always felt something isn’t right.

“Half a year ago I realized that there is something as ‘transgender’ and it felt like the solution to my discomfort. I went to therapists and got my paper to start testosterone. I told few friends. First they were like, ‘No problem, that’s cool,’ but now when it turns serious, they tell me that they don’t see me as a man and that I’m doing a big mistake, I would mutilate a perfect body now and still not be a real man.

“I had myself a breakdown thinking about a new male name – everything felt ‘ridiculous.’ I know I have to know what is right for me, but some of the points my friend told me are torturing me. I am biologically a woman now. I am perhaps the outsider in look and behavior, but completely accepted among my female friends. In fact, I have only female close friends.

“I feel at ease around men, but they look at me as a woman and so I still don’t belong to them, which discomforts me again. I was socialized for 33 years as a woman and was always trying to fit in as best – I can’t cut out this part and I don’t want to lose my female friends.

“How was this transition for you? As I understand you had the bigger change from ‘girly girl’ to man. Did you never doubt you were on the right track? Did you lose your friends? How did you cope emotionally?”

While I think there are many people who have no doubts whatsoever about transition, having doubts is not uncommon. It can be a very scary thing. Many of the changes that come with testosterone are permanent, and changing a body that might not fit you, but that you have lived with for a long time, is a big deal.

But I honestly think that the body can be the least complicated issue for many people (and correcting a body that is absolutely not right is not mutilation, by the way). The social aspects of any transition can sometimes the most difficult.

Tranifesto - Coming Out To A New Date

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I’m a first-year student at a liberal arts college. Most of my friends know I’m a transman, but the school at large does not. I met a woman about a month ago who is also a student here. I really like her and want to date her. I think she might be interested in me, too, but that might just be wishful thinking.

“My problem is that I don’t know when to disclose to her. I don’t know if I should tell her soon to get it out of the way or to hold off to get to know each other better and not scare her off.”

Regular readers know that I am big on coming out as soon as possible. In my opinion, it saves a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings on both sides (and sometimes it’s a safety issue, but I would say that it probably isn’t in this case).

However, I don’t think that a person needs to come out to every casual coffee or movie date. In this situation, I would recommend asking the woman out – for coffee, a movie, dinner, or whatever. See how the first date goes. If it doesn’t go well, or it appears that one or both of you is not all that interested, no harm done. You say goodnight and part ways.

But what if you both have a great time? I don’t know what you should do, but I’m going to tell you what I would do. If I had a fantastic time, and the person I was with had a fantastic time, and if it was obvious that there was an intense mutual attraction, I would say (at the end of the date), “I had a really great time. I find you very attractive. I would love to see you again. There’s also something I would like you to know about me.” And then I would come out to that person and let the chips fall where they may.

If I wasn’t sure after the first date, or didn’t think the other person was sure, I would ask that person out again without coming out. If we had a fabulous time and the sparks flew, then I would come out as above. If it just wasn’t right, we move on and no harm done.

The reason I would do this is because I don’t want to waste my time and energy, or the other person’s time and energy, if my being trans is a deal-breaker. Both of us could move on to other people and save time and heartache.

But there are downsides to this. One downside is that she doesn’t get to know you very well first, which could make a difference with regard to how she accepts or embraces your trans status. The other downside is that she could decide to spread this information around – particularly if she chooses not to date you because she finds it shocking, gross, or gossip-worthy. You have no control over this.

Even if she does decide to date you, this could happen at some point in the future if you break up. She also might be the non-gossipy type who respects the privacy of her suitors, her dates, and her exes. There’s really no way to know. But I always figure that once you’re out to someone, you might as well assume that you will eventually be out to everyone, and that at that point, it’s not always your choice or under your control.

(Editor's Note: Despite the fact that Matt Kailey, one of my closest friends, passed away in 2014 I will continue to republish his writing on MileHighGayGuy.com - as I did when he was alive - as a resource for the gay community to know more about trans people. This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com)  

Tranifesto: What Is A Transsexual Man?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “When someone says they are a transsexual man, does that mean that they are a woman contemplating their sex identity or a man contemplating their sex identity? Pardon me if this was offensive, it was purely out of curiosity so I don’t mess up in the future.”

No offense taken. It’s a legitimate question. (Here’s a link to some vocabulary terms that might also help: Trans-lations.)

In most cases, when a person says that he is a transsexual man, what he means is that he has transitioned in some way from female to male. In other words, he was assigned female at birth, and now lives as a man. When someone says that she is a transsexual woman, she means that she was assigned male at birth and has transitioned in some way to female.

This is particularly confusing when the press refers to a “transgender man” when they actually mean a “trans woman,” and vice versa. I could go into a long diatribe about the whole “transgender” and language thing, but I won’t (because nobody wants to hear it again).

Suffice it to say that when people refer to themselves as a man or a woman and any form of “trans” is in front of that, they will generally mean that they are living in a sex and gender that were not assigned to them by the outside world at birth.

(Editor's Note: Despite the fact that Matt Kailey, one of my closest friends, passed away in 2014 I will continue to republish his writing on MileHighGayGuy.com - as I did when he was alive - as a resource for the gay community to know more about trans people. This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com) 

Tranifesto: Mood Swings

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I started ‘T’ (testosterone cypionate) one week ago at 100 mg. every two weeks, then will go up to 200 in three months. I started feeling a bit more agitated and quick to anger two days ago. I also feel sort of flat emotionally and a tad depressed.

“The first two days after injecting I felt calm, more peaceful, and good (probably because I was starting the process). I’m older at 53. Do these feelings settle down after a while? It’s becoming sort of a drag.”

They should settle down. Hormones can cause rapid mood changes and other feelings that you are not used to. Testosterone and estrogen can both affect mood, emotion, and feelings of general well-being. Your body is not used to this hormone. It has to adjust.

Testosterone can make some people feel agitated and angry. Strong agitation and anger is what body builders who are on steroids mean when they refer to “roid rage.” Not every trans guy experiences this, but it is not uncommon, and it should either lessen over time or you will adjust over time. It also should fluctuate as your body cycles through each dose (if you are injecting).

I personally think that testosterone suppresses some emotions, which could be why you feel emotionally flat. I am not able to cry as easily on T, and it’s not because I think that guys shouldn’t cry. I know a few guys who have gone off of T just to have a good cry once in a while. I also know a trans women who became very confused about why she was bursting into tears at the smallest provocation, because she had never done that before in her life. She had recently started estrogen. Aha!

The slight depression could also be the effects of T. I don’t think that you should be concerned right now. I think you should continue with your dose and let your body get used to the effects of this hormone. Of course, if the depression becomes worse, you need to talk to your doctor about it, but I think this is just your body adjusting to the hormone and if you wait it out, you should see this stabilize.

(Editor's Note: Despite the fact that Matt Kailey, one of my closest friends, passed away in 2014 I will continue to republish his writing on MileHighGayGuy.com - as I did when he was alive - as a resource for the gay community to know more about trans people. This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com)

Tranifesto: Coming Out About My Trans Partner at Christmas

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I’m a non-transgender pansexual woman who has been dating my friend, a male-to-female transgender person, for a few months.

“I’ve known my partner for five years and knew that she was trans for about the same amount of time but never attempted to act on my romantic feelings until recently, due to personal stuff and both of us being with other people. She is still thinking about transitioning and has yet to start hormones but definitely wants to, it’s just a matter of cost. We’re very happy together.

“I just have one problem. I come from a very strict, repressive Christian family. I’ll be heading back home for Christmas this year and want to tell my parents and siblings that I am dating my partner but am terrified. My father is the most problematic, being very opinionated and very closed to anything that doesn’t fit into his view of a proper world. He is rabidly anti-gay, opposes marriage equality and abortion rights and has barely been able to understand that I am not straight.

“How should I explain to my family that I am dating a transsexual? How do I get them to accept my partner? They’ve met him back when we were ‘just friends’ and didn’t like him that much. I am terrified that not only will there be a massive fight over Christmas dinner but that they will threaten to cut me off financially and emotionally and disown me. I’m close to my mother and grandparents. At the same time, I love my partner and don’t want to put her through the hell of that. She wont be coming with me, as she has to work.”

Tranifesto: My Boyfriend Won’t Get Tested for STIs

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am a woman who recently started dating a man who was assigned female at birth and transitioned several years ago, a fact that he shared when we began talking about having sex.

“As part of my usual pre-sex discussion, I asked him about getting tested for HIV and other STIs, and he said that he has had very negative experiences with health care providers and was not willing to get tested.

“He said that since he has not engaged in risky behavior since he was tested several years ago, he could not possibly have HIV, and that he can’t transmit any fluid-based STIs to me anyway since he can’t ejaculate. (There are of course skin-to-skin STIs, but those are more difficult to test for).

“I know the likelihood of getting a fluid-based STI from him performing oral sex on me is very low, but I would still like him to get tested. From his vantage point, because of the very low risk factor, I am making an unreasonable request. From my vantage point, getting tested is something that responsible adults do to take care of themselves and their partners.

“However, I know that it is difficult for me to fully understand his resistance to medical settings, and the last thing I want to do is traumatize him or pressure him to do something that has a negative impact and have him end up resenting me. He appears to identify very strongly as male and not as trans, and I don’t think he would be open to going to an LGBT clinic, as he has felt marginalized by the queer community in the past.”

Tranifesto - Voting Trans: Do You Vote Your Identity?

By Matt Kailey

Even when I’m being logical, not emotional, it’s difficult for me to understand a gay or lesbian Republican, and it is only slightly easier for me to understand a trans Republican. (Well, I personally don’t understand why anyone is a Republican, but with the way the Democrats have been acting, they may be my next curiosity.)

But between the two parties, the Democrats, in my recent lifetime, have leaned toward LGBT friendly, and the Republicans have often qualified as LGBT antagonistic. And in my mind, Republican LGBT people are voting against their own best interests. But I think that way because, like most people, I vote my identity – and my primary identity is trans, gay, and queer.

I am aware every minute of my life that I am trans, although I’m not always consciously thinking about it. But it informs my politics, my employment, my writing, my choice of friends, and quite a few of my activity choices. I am also aware that I am gay or queer, the two words that I use to define my sexual orientation. And these things feature extremely prominently in my identity and my everyday life.

I believe that we all vote our identity. But each one of us has a hierarchy with regard to our identity that influences our life, our politics, and our vote. And intellectually, I know that not everyone’s sexual orientation or trans experience is at the top of their identity hierarchy.

If your identity is tied strongly to your employment and to your ability to make and retain a lot of your money, then you may choose a fiscally conservative candidate or public policy, even if that candidate or policy is not LGBT friendly.

If your identity is tied strongly to a particular ethnic, religious, or community group, then you may choose a candidate or public policy that will benefit that group, even if that candidate or policy is not favorable to LGBT people.

There are certain social issues that people feel so strongly about one way or the other – public assistance programs, abortion, immigration, the death penalty, gun control, drug decriminalization, health care – that their identity is linked far more closely to that issue than it is to their LGBT status, and they will vote accordingly.

These people are voting their identity – they are just voting the identity that trumps all the others in their own personal hierarchy.

(Editor's Note: Despite the fact that Matt Kailey, one of my closest friends, passed away earlier this year I will continue to republish his writing on MileHighGayGuy.com - as I did when he was alive - as a resource for the gay community to know more about trans people. This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com)

Tranifesto: Putting the Men in Menopause

By Matt Kailey

Shortly after I turned fifty, I started to perspire. It wasn’t the glowy dew that I had produced as a female and it wasn’t the labor-intensive, manly sweat that I like to think comes naturally to a hard-working, macho man who sits behind a desk and types for a living. It started at the top of my head and crept its way down, as if I had slowly stepped into a sauna, head first and then body part by body part, activating sweat glands that I didn’t even know I possessed, until I was left soggy and soaking, my clothes tattooed to my sticky, wet body. It was nature turning a hose on me as if I were some hormone-crazed dog.

This happened whether I was sitting on a blanket in the sun or directly in front of an air-conditioner turned on at full blast. It happened in bed and it happened on the street. It took me a while to realize that not every place I went was mysteriously undergoing random temperature fluctuations. This was internal – my own personal global warming.

The worst thing about these episodes was that they had a scary emotional component that often went with them. This part happened primarily at night, when things are scarier anyway, when I already found myself lying awake for hours wondering what hideous rare disease I was going to die from, how I was going to pay my bills until that time, and what exactly was going to happen to me when the universe stopped expanding and started to fold back in on itself.

Tranifesto: Small-Town Transition Blues

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I’m a 16-year-old trans guy, and I came out to my mom two months ago, and my dad one month ago. They haven’t rejected me (I knew they wouldn’t), but they’re not on board with thinking of me as their son, and probably won’t be in the near future. My mom e-mailed a gender therapist recently, so I’m looking forward to my parents getting a ‘professional opinion,’ and so I can finally talk to someone who speaks my language.

“Some problems are: I don’t know how (or when) to come out to my siblings. My brother is 13, and looks up to my 18-year-old sister. My sister has treated me like less than a human being for my entire life, probably from deep jealousy that started when I was born, and I’m finally letting go of the belief that if I tried hard enough, she would show any emotion resembling love toward me. She’s leaving in the spring, and if I came out to her before that, she would probably out me to our school, and subsequently our town.

“My town has a population of 400, with less than thirty people in my high school and with two other students in my grade. I’ve lived here my whole life, and have despised it for just as long. I need to transition as soon as possible, and the only way I can think of to do that is to move to a big city, and since I’m a minor, I can’t just go and get an apartment and a job in Portland and start testosterone on my own.

“I feel guilty about wanting to ask my family if we can move, since I only have a year and a half of high school left. I also don’t want to put them through a lot of stress if I ended up coming out in this town, which is what I would need to do if I had to spend my senior year here.

“So, do you have any advice for getting my brother on my side, without him getting thrown into the middle of differing opinions within my family?

“How can I convince my parents that living this female lie is so debilitating that I can’t keep it up for even another year, and if I had to stay in this town, I would probably sink into a very deep, deep depression?

“And this isn’t as important, but I’ll ask it anyway: do you think me acting masculine on some days and effeminate on others would confuse them, or that they would have a harder time believing I’m male?”

First I would like to say that I have never known a family that picked up and moved because their teenage child asked them to. Maybe it’s my generation, but my parents would not have even paid attention to such a request. Your parents are probably settled, with jobs, a house, and a life where they are, so I can’t imagine them moving because you ask them to. Again, times might be different now or your family might be different. But I wouldn’t count on them moving.

I’m going to answer your questions in reverse order, because the ideas seem to flow better.

3. I think that you acting masculine on some days and feminine on other days would confuse them and they would have a harder time believing that you’re male. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it. You should be who you are. But most people still subscribe to stereotypical masculine and feminine gender roles, most people misunderstand the trans experience, and most people would assume that a trans man would be naturally masculine and a trans woman would be naturally feminine – and they are easily swayed into disbelief when they don’t see what they expect to see.

In the process of educating them, you can explain to them why this might be so and why none of your behaviors or other forms of gender expression mean that you are not trans or not a guy. This is just the way gender is – it’s not hard and fast, it’s not cut and dried. Once you get hooked up with a therapist, he or she can explain that to them as well.

2. I don’t know your parents, so I’m not sure how you can convince them that you need to transition now, because different people respond to, and are motivated by, different things. I don’t know if you have tried telling them that outright and if they have not believed you, or what the circumstances are. You could try telling them exactly that, if you haven’t already. You could show them this letter. You could hope that you will get hooked up with your therapist soon, and he or she can tell them, as well.

I don’t know if there is someone in another town who you could go stay with so that you could start this process, or if you would be able to do it in that small town as long as you had your parents’ support. You say that you really won’t be able to stay and transition there, but you might not have any choice, if there is nowhere for you to go and if your parents won’t move. So you should probably talk to your parents about this and do your best to make them understand.

For that, you will need to be mature, calm, and articulate, with your arguments reasoned out ahead of time. You will have to be careful not to let your emotions get the best of you, no matter how frustrating the discussion is. It would also help if you had some possible plans to present to them, or some ideas to present about what you want and need from them. But I think you just have to keep talking to them.

Them seeing you as their son right now is not the most important issue. The most important issue is that you don’t think that you can wait any longer to start transitioning. That’s what you need to talk to them about – not them seeing you as their son. That will come with time. The urgency is in how you are feeling about transition.

1. I also don’t know how you can get your brother on your side, because I don’t know the relationship between the two of you. You say he looks up to your sister, but you don’t say how you and he get along. If you feel that your sister will sabotage anything that you try to do with regard to your brother, then I would suggest that you wait until she’s gone and then talk to him.

He might not be on your side. This is a big deal, and at thirteen, he might not be prepared for something like this or know how to handle it. On the other hand, he might be a big ally for you. But without knowing the relationship, it’s hard for me to say, so you might want to concentrate on getting things in line with your parents, and once they are on board, or at least some things are underway, then you can talk to your brother, and they can help you.

Right now, I think the most important thing is to find a therapist, because your mother seems amenable to that. Once therapy is started up, these other issues might fall into place. I know it seems like forever to wait even a day, but remember that transition is a process, and it sometimes takes years to get to where you want to be. It will help if you do one thing that moves you in the right direction, and that one thing seems to be finding a therapist. So start with that. Good luck.

(Editor's Note: Despite the fact that Matt Kailey, one of my closest friends, passed away earlier this year I will continue to republish his writing on MileHighGayGuy.com - as I did when he was alive - as a resource for the gay community to know more about trans people. This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com)

Tranifesto: Can a Gay Man Love a Trans Woman?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am a gay man and have no doubts really about that. I was late in coming out after being married and having children. However, 15 months ago I started a relationship with a guy who I had met several years earlier and who also was previously married with children.

“After we had been dating for six or seven months, he started to talk about how he really liked dressing as a girl and felt he should have been born a girl. I did know he was always quite fem and liked fem things and that was part of my attraction to him.

“Well, now he is well into transition to her, including name change and hormone treatments, and is fully out to family and work. I have supported this transition because I loved/love him/her and know that it was making her happy and it was what she wanted.

“Now, though, I am having a real problem in my head as to how can it be that a gay guy is still fancying a girl. Is it an identity issue? What is going on in my mind? Can this relationship continue?

“We have talked about surgery and I have said I would not like her to have reassignment and she says that she doesn’t want it anyway. However, will that change in a year or two? Just struggling with where I am in this relationship.” 

Read more after the jump.

Tranifesto: Appropriate Actions for Allies

By Matt Kailey
  
Below, we have two letters regarding allies (the second one is a stretch, but I figured it could loosely go with an “Ally” theme). And here they are:

A reader writes: “I am a cis teenager who tries her hardest to be a good ally. Recently, I was talking with someone I’d just met (‘Bob’) who attends my school. We walked past another student, who is trans (we’re in an intersectional feminist club together and he’s talked about it). Bob referred to the trans kid using female pronouns.

“I know that the trans kid only transitioned last year, and Bob had met him before his transition, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t know that the trans kid had transitioned. Instead of confronting Bob, I continued to talk about the trans kid using male pronouns. Bob got the memo and then used male pronouns.

“Was that the right thing to do? I wasn’t sure if I should have confronted him more directly (‘Actually that kid uses male pronouns’), but I didn’t want to out him, even though he’s out at school as far as I can tell. I also didn’t want to just let it slide and use the wrong pronouns. In case this situation comes up again, do you have any advice on the course of action that I should take?”

This is a tough one and an easy one. It’s a tough one because, as an ally who knows this person from a particular club only, you might not necessarily know if he is out everywhere. If you refer to him by male pronouns outside of the club, and he is not using male pronouns outside of the club, then you will out him. But if you refer to him by female pronouns just because someone else does, then you will disrespect his identity, whether he’s out or not, but particularly if he is out everywhere.

The easy part is that you can ask him. You’re in the club together, and even if you don’t know him well or have never talked to him directly, there’s nothing wrong with approaching him and saying, “Here’s the deal. What do you want me to do from now on?”

Now, with regard to the situation at hand, I think you did exactly the right thing, and I think you should do it in the future if it happens again before you are able to ask the person about his preferences. In this case, you did exactly what you were asked to do – to refer to this person with male pronouns.

You didn’t try to “explain” his situation to Bob, which is not your place to do. You simply respected his wishes. At that point, Bob can do whatever he wants – and he did. He caught on and started using male pronouns. In my opinion, your decision, given the circumstances, was spot on.

What do readers think? 

Second letter after the cut.