Tranifesto: Ask Matt Briefs

Here are some short questions and short answers. I (and I’m sure the writers) would love to get reader input on any or all:

A reader writes: “When someone says they are a transsexual man, does that mean that they are a woman contemplating their sex identity or a man contemplating their sex identity? Pardon me if this was offensive, it was purely out of curiosity so I don’t mess up in the future.”

No offense taken. It’s a legitimate question. (Here’s a link to some vocabulary terms that might also help: Trans-lations.)

In most cases, when a person says that he is a transsexual man, what he means is that he has transitioned in some way from female to male. In other words, he was assigned female at birth, and now lives as a man. When someone says that she is a transsexual woman, she means that she was assigned male at birth and has transitioned in some way to female.

This is particularly confusing when the press refers to a “transgender man” when they actually mean a “trans woman,” and vice versa. I could go into a long diatribe about the whole “transgender” and language thing, but I won’t (because nobody wants to hear it again).

Suffice it to say that when people refer to themselves as a man or a woman and any form of “trans” is in front of that, they will generally mean that they are living in a sex and gender that were not assigned to them by the outside world at birth.

A reader writes: “I’ve always felt like I was male from being a young child, and now I feel ready to begin my journey. My question is: I understand there is no guarantee with hormones, but do people who are younger when they begin hormones see results sooner?”

Hmm. That depends on the person. I don’t think there is any research behind this. In my experience, it seems to me that people who are younger when they begin often have “better” results. By that, I mean that I have seen young people masculinize relatively quickly when compared to older people (but “quickly” is just a matter of a few months), and it seems to me that they generally get better facial hair and muscle tone.

But that’s just through my own eyes. Hudson’s FTM Resource Guide says, “It has been hypothesized that the earlier hormone therapy is started in life, the more effective it will be in terms of masculinizing effects. However, many trans men have begun hormone therapy late in life and have been very satisfied with their results.”

You will get the results that you are genetically programmed to get. How rapidly you will get them and how “strong” they will be will also depend on genetics, for the most part. I think Hudson’s Guide, linked to above, has some really good information on all aspects of testosterone use for trans guys, and I would highly recommend reading it.

Tranifesto: Did You Have Doubts About Transition?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I turned 33 and for all my life, I’ve always tended to dress and act in a manly way. I don’t like the traces of femininity on my body but I learned to live with it. The last nine years I identified as a lesbian and was quite content, although I always felt something isn’t right.

“Half a year ago I realized that there is something as ‘transgender’ and it felt like the solution to my discomfort. I went to therapists and got my paper to start testosterone. I told few friends. First they were like, ‘No problem, that’s cool,’ but now when it turns serious, they tell me that they don’t see me as a man and that I’m doing a big mistake, I would mutilate a perfect body now and still not be a real man.

“I had myself a breakdown thinking about a new male name – everything felt ‘ridiculous.’ I know I have to know what is right for me, but some of the points my friend told me are torturing me. I am biologically a woman now. I am perhaps the outsider in look and behavior, but completely accepted among my female friends. In fact, I have only female close friends.

“I feel at ease around men, but they look at me as a woman and so I still don’t belong to them, which discomforts me again. I was socialized for 33 years as a woman and was always trying to fit in as best – I can’t cut out this part and I don’t want to lose my female friends.

“How was this transition for you? As I understand you had the bigger change from ‘girly girl’ to man. Did you never doubt you were on the right track? Did you lose your friends? How did you cope emotionally?”

Tranifesto: Can a Gay Man Love a Trans Woman

By Matt Kailey


A reader writes: “I am a gay man and have no doubts really about that. I was late in coming out after being married and having children. However, 15 months ago I started a relationship with a guy who I had met several years earlier and who also was previously married with children.

“After we had been dating for six or seven months, he started to talk about how he really liked dressing as a girl and felt he should have been born a girl. I did know he was always quite fem and liked fem things and that was part of my attraction to him.

“Well, now he is well into transition to her, including name change and hormone treatments, and is fully out to family and work. I have supported this transition because I loved/love him/her and know that it was making her happy and it was what she wanted.

“Now, though, I am having a real problem in my head as to how can it be that a gay guy is still fancying a girl. Is it an identity issue? What is going on in my mind? Can this relationship continue?

“We have talked about surgery and I have said I would not like her to have reassignment and she says that she doesn’t want it anyway. However, will that change in a year or two? Just struggling with where I am in this relationship.”

Once again, labels are hanging us up. Remember that “gay” is just a label for your sexual orientation – it is not your sexual orientation. You have the label “gay” because you have a particular type of body and gender identity and you are attracted to people with the same type of body and gender identity.

Your attraction to this person started out in this way. It’s possible that if you had met this person after she had already transitioned, you would not have been attracted to her. But that’s not the case. So you fell in love with a person who a gay man (you) might have fallen in love with, and now she has changed, but you are still in love with her.

In my opinion, that does not mean that you are no longer gay. It just means you are in love with a particular person, and this person no longer meets a specific set of criteria that a gay man might look for when choosing a partner. But you’ve already chosen a partner – this person – and you are in love with her, so those criteria no longer matter.

I believe that you can retain your gay identity and continue to date this person and be very happy with her for the rest of your life. However, you need to understand that you will likely be seen by the world as a straight couple and be treated as such, so you will have to decide whether or not you can handle that.

In addition, she might resent you retaining your gay identity, because it might signal to her that you still see her as a man. This is a discussion that the two of you need to have. At this point, I think you do still see her as a man, at least to some extent, because you are using both male and female pronouns for her, but I’m not sure what she has asked you to do. It is possible that there will come a time when this will not be at all appropriate, and she will not want this, even if she is okay with it now. Again, have this discussion.

With regard to sex correction surgery, you have told her that you don’t want her to have it, and she has told you that she is not going to have it. Will she change her mind? It’s quite possible. She might change her mind about having surgery, and she also might change the ways in which she wants to interact with you sexually, whether or not she has surgery.

If that is a deal-breaker for you, then that is another discussion that you need to have – now and on an ongoing basis. She needs to know where she stands in this regard. Of course, it’s possible that if and when she does decide to have this surgery, it will no longer be a deal-breaker for you, because the relationship will be that important – but there are no guarantees of this, so again, have this discussion.

If a penis is important to you sexually, and at some point, she either no longer has one or no longer wants to use it in the ways that you would like, you can also discuss an open relationship, where you can get particular sexual needs met while remaining in the primary relationship. Be aware that this works both ways, and she can do the same. This arrangement is successful for many people, but you have to both be on board and you have to lay out the expectations and agreements beforehand.

I usually get this type of letter from lesbians who are dating trans men, and even though that is a different situation, I think that many of the same things hold true, so I am linking to a recent post I wrote called Can a Lesbian Date a Trans Man? I would suggest that you read that as well, along with the comments. I think it could be helpful.

The bottom line is that I absolutely think that this relationship can work, but, as always, ongoing communication is essential.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: Can People Be Allies to Their Own Community?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “Can a person be both a part of the community and an ally? What I mean is, is an ally always an outsider to T/LGB? Is a transgender person necessarily an activist or informer, the way an ally is? What about those who question their gender but are otherwise supportive and politically/socially active?

“The third question applies mostly to myself, but my questioning isn’t at the heart of this email. Whatever I am labeled, I want to move transgender issues forward, giving clarity to others. If I hadn’t set out to find out all the information I know now, I think I would have a very distorted view on gender. It is not difficult to imagine a trans-ignorant/transphobic world beyond myself, especially with all the things I hear in my family and at school.”

To answer your question, I think that we need to look at the differences between an ally, an advocate, and an activist. To do this, we’ll use good old Merriam-Webster:

Ally: a person or group that gives help to another person or group.

Advocate: a person who works for a cause or group.

Activism: a doctrine or practice that emphasizes direct vigorous action, especially in support of or opposition to one side of a controversial issue. (Oddly, there was no definition for activist, but based on this, an activist would be a person who does this)

So, when we look at these definitions, we can see that an ally is not a member of the group to which that person belongs. An ally is an “outsider” who gives help to that group. You could be an ally to the transgender community, or you could be a member of the transgender community, but you couldn’t be both.

Now, you could be a member of the LGBT community and be an ally of the trans community – if you were a non-trans lesbian, gay man, or bisexual person. You could be an ally of the LGB community if you were trans and straight-identified or queer-identified. But if you are trans and gay-identified, for example, you would be a member of the gay community and the trans community – not an ally of either.

As a member of a community, you are not “required” to do anything. You are a member of that community by birth or happenstance – or even by intentional joining – but that does not place a certain expectation on you. You can choose to advocate for your group and you can choose to be a private or public activist for your group, but you don’t have to. As an ally, there are certain expectations.

One is advocacy, at the very least, and the other could be activism. As an ally of a group, even if you are not outspoken and in the public eye with regard to your advocacy or your activism, you should at least work behind the scenes to correct misinformation and misconceptions when you come upon them, to help clear a path for the voices of the groups with which you are allied to be heard, and to provide whatever support you can and use whatever influence you might have to help benefit these groups (without paternalism or caretaking).

An ally is really a full-time job in the sense that you have a responsibility to the groups that you claim to be allied with. An ally can (and probably should) be an advocate and hopefully, at least at times, an activist. A member of a group cannot be an ally to that group, but can certainly choose to be an advocate and even an activist.

For those wanting to be an ally to any particular group, there are many good articles on being an ally all over the Internet. I wrote on this recently in a post called “Five Attributes of Trans Allies.” Other posts of interest to allies can be found under the Allies category (see the right sidebar) of this blog.

A couple of my favorite “ally-themed” articles on the Internet are “The Role of Allies in 2010,” which is a keynote speech by Dr. Omi Osun Joni L. Jones, and “No More ‘Allies’” by Mia McKenzie. There are tons more, so do a search for “being an ally” and you can find them.

Thanks to all the allies out there who are doing the work. 

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: My Mother Doesn't Believe I'm Trans

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I’m an FTM, 18, and I came out to my mum about two years ago. She didn’t take it very well.

“She told me that she didn’t believe that I was transgender because I feel uncomfortable talking to her about sex (I’ve tried telling her multiple times this is normal and that my friends feel the same way with their parents, to no avail), and that I’m stuck in a phase that I just haven’t grown out of.

“Since I came out to her in 2011, thing have slowly gotten better and I’ve put in a lot of effort so that we could reach common ground. She is a lot less hostile about it, she’s fine with me wearing a binder, she tries to use gender neutral pronouns when she can, and I had a talk with her earlier on in the year about changing my name when I finished high school later in the year and she seemed all right with it.

“A few days ago, however, I was talking to her about my name change again, and she told me she thought changing my name would be a mistake, but that I’m an adult and she won’t try to stop me. As we continued talking I also discovered that she still thinks that I’m not transgender, and for the same reasons she told me when I first came out to her.

“While I do appreciate that she won’t try to stop me, my relationship with my mum is very important to me. I love her very much, and I just wish she would be supportive. I don’t want to try to move out, and when we’re not arguing about me being transgender, we get on very well. But I’m not coping well with the realisation that she still doesn’t think I’m transgender.

“I have a psychiatrist (so I can start medical transition) who is willing to approve me for testosterone. I asked my mum if she would be interested in meeting my psych, and she refused and was very negative about the whole thing. Not having her on board makes everything so much harder for me. There aren’t many things that I want more in my life at the moment than for my mum to see me as her son.

“So essentially, what I’m asking is do you know what else I can do to try to make my mum realise that I am transgender, and that the emotions and feelings I have because I’m transgender are real?”

Tranifesto: It's Okay to Be 'Questioning'

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “So I’m FAAB (female assigned at birth), I was a tomboy for some but not all of my childhood, and now that I’m in high school, I came out as genderqueer to my family and some friends a few months ago.

“I have dysphoria about my breasts but mostly not about my genitals (though I’ve always hated periods so much that I just tried to ignore them), and the chest dysphoria is actually somewhat recent. I’ve gotten some people to call me by ‘they’ pronouns, but increasingly now I’m not so sure that I am actually trans.

“I’m so confused about this and I feel like I’m in a constant state of questioning. I know that sometimes I like to be feminine and sometimes I like to be masculine, and when I came out as genderqueer that helped explain to my family why I wanted a binder, but now I kind of miss who I was before I decided to use trans* labels for myself.

Tranifesto: Keeping Up with LGBTQ Lingo

By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “This is my second year going to TDOR (Transgender Day of Remembrance). I am still having difficulty understanding a lot of the terms used by the transgender community.

“MTF and FTM I can understand, while others are not so easy. Also, I would like the understand more GLBTQ words and definitions as well. I’m a lesbian who barely understands the community lingo. I thought I was butch, then I understand that I’m seen as a soft butch. Now I think I’m gender queer. I’m 34 – all these new words are making me feel old and unsure.

“Is there a book or dictionary (with pictures) that can better explain to me the different terms and views?

Welcome to the world of ever-evolving language. Just when you thought you knew what a word meant, its meaning starts to shift. This is normal for language in general, but when you have a community that has been put in the position of having to create its own terms on its own terms, you tend to get multiple, and sometimes misunderstood, meanings.

I don’t know of one specific book or dictionary that explains all of the terms used in the LGBTQ community. It would be massive and ever-changing. But I think there are some things that can at least help out. I did a search for “LGBT dictionary” online, and there are a lot of websites that have many definitions.

The problem with books and websites is that, as I said, words and meanings change over time. Also, usage can vary from group to group and from region to region. Age factors in, as does race, ethnicity, class, and culture. So no matter what you do, you will probably be wrong, or at least a little off, at some time. However, if you have a base to start from, then you can learn to shift and adapt.

For trans terms, I have a really short Trans-lations page that deals with some terms. It probably needs some updating and additions, but it gives you a basic idea. There are also some 101-type books that explain vocabulary, including Nick Teich’s Transgender 101: A Simple Guide to a Complex Issue.

A couple other books that I plan to check out over the holiday break are The Social Justice Advocate’s Handbook: A Guide to Gender by Sam Killermann and The Gender Book by Mel Reiff Hill, Jay Mays, and Robin Mack, which is a finished book that is fundraising on Indiegogo right now for publication funds (check it out and consider a donation).

Readers probably have other resources to suggest. But the topic is so broad, diverse, and mutable that I don’t think there will ever be one definitive source that is agreed upon by everyone.

And pictures probably wouldn’t help. For example, I know some genderqueer people who lean toward traditionally masculine presentations, other who lean toward traditionally feminine presentations, and still others who are completely androgynous. I don’t know a lot about the lesbian community, but I would think that a soft butch in one community might be seen as butch in another and even femme in another.

Honestly, I would not take anyone’s definitions as the last word on the subject. Just hang out with different people, see how they identify, and ask questions. I have been in this community for sixteen years and I’m still asking questions. It’s not stupid. It’s the only way to keep up.

And you might always feel unsure about certain definitions, but you don’t have to feel unsure about your own identity (although it’s okay to feel that way). You can either choose a label that feels comfortable to you, regardless of how other people see you, or you can go with the flow and let yourself develop and change over time. The most important thing is that whatever label or labels you choose, they’re yours and not ones that someone else has imposed on you.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  
 

Tranifesto: Am I Transphobic?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am a white, 21-year-old straight male and my girlfriend is a white, 20-year-old female, both of us from Glasgow. I regard myself as not being racist, homophobic, transphobic or in just about any other way discriminatory. I identify with the ideals of equality for all.

“My girlfriend is very much a feminist and, like myself, is also in support of essentially universal equality. But there came a topic recently which brought some conflict between us. My girlfriend spoke of a situation whereby at a club, there was what looked to be a man dressed as a woman; some of her friends who went to this club with her briefly discussed between themselves ‘what he was,’ i.e. what gender was this person born as.

“Immediately during our discussion she branded this as being potentially transphobic; I disagree with this. Now, I was not there at this club and as is only fair in my eyes, I gave the guys the benefit of the doubt; I argued that it’s perfectly plausible that they were doing so simply out of sheer curiosity, or to know what pronoun to use should they want to talk to the person. My girlfriend did not suggest that there was any malice at all in what they were saying to themselves.

“I suggested then that regardless of the context in which it was said, I didn’t feel the statement itself was directly transphobic, as it implied no hate or negative feelings, and I also said that I felt it important to defend their right to speak freely among each other about such things, as she went to the lengths to suggest that they shouldn’t be able to say such things.

“I would never accept this being within remote earshot of the person, or anyone else who could potentially take offence, but I thought it simply a stretch to label them as transphobic. Rude, yes; ignorant, yes; childish, yes; but transphobic? I saw this as a bit extreme.

Tranifesto: Nathan Verhelst and the Choice of Euthanasia

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I just read this extremely sad news about a transman in Belgium who chose to end his life (legally) after a series of unsatisfactory gender-confirming operations

“I wondered what your take on this news is, more from the perspective of the issues FTM people face than from the question of whether euthanasia should be legal (which is the primary focus of the HuffPost article). Though of course the question of whether euthanasia should have been authorized for this man’s situation is very relevant as well.”

I was also very sad when I first heard about this situation. And even though you said that you weren’t asking about my perspective on euthanasia in general, I’m going to put it out there anyway.

Tranifesto: My Brother Won’t Acknowledge Me as Male

By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I transitioned more than three years ago. I got my new legal name and gender, surgeries, and social acceptance. I’m very happy with my new identity and life. Even though it was hard at first, my mom and my sisters eventually came around and are loving and supportive towards me.

“But my brother is not. He still uses my old name and the female pronoun when talking about me. Mind you, he doesn’t do this in front of me. I talked to him and explained the situation when I started my transition. He seemed supportive at first. But now, it’s as though I don’t exist and he still clings to who I used to be.

“I feel hurt, and I’ve explained this to him, gently, then more firmly. But he hasn’t changed. His wife and kids accept me as I am. He does not. This makes family events at best awkward for me, as he does not call me by my name, nor hug me, nor look directly at me. If my mom wasn’t around, I actually doubt that I’d keep in touch with him, as I feel utterly detached from him now. Do you think I should try to reach out to him one more time? Is it worth it?”

I think it’s always worth it to reach out one more time. And then I think that it is also worth it to let certain people go.

Tranifesto: Should I Tell My Guy That I Know He’s Trans?

By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I am madly in love with a guy I have been friends with for two and a half years. He has recently started showing a romantic interest in me but is taking things extremely SLOWLY with me, which I respect because we both have very difficult pasts.

“Recently, a person who works with him told me that he was born a girl. At first, I was in shock, then angry that this person had ‘outed’ him behind his back. I must admit, the first time I met him, for a split second I thought he was a very butch girl, but after talking to him, I quickly realised he was a man (or so I thought).

“However, this is so not an issue for me. In fact, I wouldn’t have him any other way because he wouldn’t be the person I fell for in the first place. My problem is that I know he is holding back on the relationship because he is scared to tell me. He keeps saying things like he is scared he will let me down if he is not what I want, etc.

“I don’t want to take the choice out if his hands of telling me by saying I know already, but I can’t go on like this. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a heterosexual woman in love with the best man I’ve ever met. How can I make it safe for him to tell me? His happiness is really important to me, so should I walk away, even if it kills me to do it? By the way, it’s not just the coworker who told me. I’ve had other confirmation, so I do know for sure.”

I have gone around and around about this in my mind and have come to a particular conclusion, which I will eventually get to. Readers will probably have their own thoughts, and many might disagree with me. But here’s how my thinking process went: 

Tranifesto: What Is My Sexual Identity?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am having issues determining my sexual identity since transition from female to male. Dating and having a relationship are things I consciously took off the table while I was in the early stages of transition. It is now three years into transistion and the idea of having someone in my life is sounding pretty good.

“Although I am attracted to the male physique and enjoy the visual of a handsome, sexually attractive man, I just don’t picture myself in a sexual relationship with a man, but I wouldn’t take it off the table. I am attracted to women, especially lesbian women. But I am not so interested in overly masculine lesbians. If she is more masculine than I am, I feel feminine and that makes me uncomfortable.

“But the thought of having my face in close proximity of a vagina just makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t know if that is an act I could perform. I am not sure if that distaste has to do with the fact that even though I have had some surprisingly impressive changes, I still consider myself to have a vagina and I don’t like it at all and I am looking forward to the day I have lower surgery.

“I don’t really care about labels, but my brain wants desperately to find a category to place my sexually identity in. So what defines sexual identity? Is it attraction to femininity or masculinity, a particular type of genitalia or what? I like to believe my sexual attraction revolves around the individual as a whole and not just particular body parts. I am so confused. What are your words of wisdom on the topic of sexual identity?”

Tranifesto: Choosing a Name

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am a 17-year-old FTM. I know my first and last name choices to change, but I am having a hard time on a middle name. I wanted to know how you decided on yours, and do you have any suggestions for me?”

Middle names are interesting, and they can be just as important as first names, depending on how you intend to use them. I chose my middle name (and my first name) based solely on what my parents were going to name me if I had been born a boy. But there are plenty of other ways to choose a middle name.

If you have one name that you absolutely love, then go with it. But you sent me a list of several that you were considering, which I’m not printing because it could identify you. However, here are some things I would suggest thinking about when choosing a middle name:

Tranifesto: Milestones and Setbacks of FTM Transition

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am a writer and have read your previous post to another writer asking about his/her MTF character. I have a good portion of details for my character (FTM), including, as you suggested, the reason I want him in a story.

“I want to portray him as realistically as possible, but being a cisgender female myself, I don’t quite get the full picture of the experiences that transgender people go through, especially those who are female-to-male like my character.

“My question to you is: What are some experiences you have you’d be willing to share, such as difficulties with acceptance or hormones? What are some major milestones or setbacks relative to the FTM transition?”

I could write at least a couple of books about my experiences (and I have), and so have

quite a few other guys, so the first thing I would suggest is that you check out as many memoirs by trans men as you can find. (Here are links to excerpts on this blog from Just Add Hormones and Teeny Weenies.)

This doesn’t have to be expensive. Many larger libraries have at least my first book and other books by prominent trans men, including James Green, Max Wolf Valerio, Chaz Bono – and there are many others. And some libraries will order them if they don’t have them. Also, if you live in a larger city that has LGBT resources, some centers have lending libraries. Used bookstores are also a good place to browse if they have an LGBT section.

I would also suggest reading blogs and watching videos by trans men. There are quite a few of both, and some guys have a whole video series on YouTube devoted to their transition. These can be quite enlightening, and you actually get to see the changes and “meet” the guys, so you get a real sense of who they are. Readers can probably suggest several blogs and vlogs that would be helpful.

I would recommend doing tons of research with regard to different trans guy experiences. There’s just so much out there. And even with my own experiences, I could probably write several more books. So what I’m going to put here are just a few of the “highlights” for myself. Other guys will have other things that were important or meaningful to them, and I hope that we hear about them in the Comments section.

Milestone 1: My first shot of testosterone was on Martin Luther King Day in 1998. Now, the fact that it was Martin Luther King Day makes it a little easier to remember, but I would probably remember it regardless. It seemed to take forever for my therapist to approve it, and she made me jump through a few hoops that were irritating at the time (Cut my hair? Stop wearing makeup? Get my implants out? You’re kidding me!), but that, in hindsight, were necessary. She was very wise.

Milestone 2: For myself, and for quite a few other guys who I have talked to, the “sir” thing is very important, particularly in the beginning of transition. Many of us measured how “well” we were doing in transition by the “sirs” that we got during the day. I would count them, and say things like “I was ‘sirred’ 25 percent of the time today (or 50 percent or whatever).” When it got to 100 percent every day, then I felt that I had overcome some major hurdle.

Milestones 3-5: My name change and gender marker change on my driver’s license were huge deals for me. My chest surgery was another huge deal, and once that was done, I felt like I had “made it.” Going shirtless in public for the first time was also a major milestone.

Difficulty 1: Learning to give myself my own shots was a big difficulty. I was such a baby, and I was paying a lot of money and wasting a lot of time going to the doctor every two weeks so I could get a shot. When I was finally able to give my own shots, it gave me a huge measure of independence (sort of like learning to use a potty chair or walk to school on my own).

Difficulty 2: Another difficulty was (and still is) transphobia within the LGB community and homophobia within the trans community. I am most negatively affected by transphobia in the LGB community, as well as a simple lack of knowledge. When I go to an organization that has LGBT in its name or attend an “LGBT” event, I expect that the people there will at least have some knowledge about trans people, and many times, they don’t.

Difficulty 3: I don’t even get the chance to interview for jobs that I am highly qualified for. I never get a callback and I rarely even get a rejection letter. I believe that prospective employers google me when they get my resume and just don’t want to mess with me because they don’t understand who and what I am. It’s easier just to go with someone else.

Setback 1: Getting “ma’amed” after getting “sirred” for months (or even years) is always an emotional setback. It doesn’t happen to me in person, but even now, when I get “ma’amed” on the phone or at the drive-thru, it bothers me once in a while. I usually don’t care, but it depends on how vulnerable I’m feeling that day.

Setback 2: Early in my transition, it was very difficult for those around me to get my pronoun right. Every time it happened, it was hugely discouraging. I even threw some minor temper tantrums that I will forever regret. The name comes first. The pronoun takes much longer. I wish I had been more patient.

Those are a few of mine. I’m sure that my trans guy readers will have a few as well. And although transition for trans women is very different (we are not just the “opposite” or “reverse” of each other), I think that trans women’s stories can be similar and helpful in understanding the whole trans spectrum. So hopefully we can hear from a variety of people, including those who have not medically transitioned.

Also remember that race, class, culture, background, geographic location, and many other factors figure into milestones, setbacks, and difficulties. And no two trans men are the same.

Good luck with your book.

Tranifesto: A Question for the Questioning

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “Asking this question on behalf of all the questioning folks out there: If you’re comfortable sharing, what all have you identified as on your gender journey? And what times (if any) were particularly tough/confusing?”

Questioning gender can be very difficult, although it’s not as hard, I would think, as it was way back when, when there was just one model or “blueprint” to choose from, and everyone was expected to go down a prescribed path – if they fit the established criteria.

At least now, there are different options and alternatives available, and information is out there for almost everyone in almost every situation. But that comes with its own set of problems.

I can’t say that I personally was ever questioning my gender – at least not in the sense that we talk about it today – because I was sure for over forty years that I was a girl/woman. I didn’t think that was what I was supposed to be, but I thought that was the way it was and that there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t know that there was anyone else like me, and I didn’t know that what I was experiencing had a label and was an actual identified “thing.”

Once I discovered that, there was again very little questioning involved, because I knew what I was going to do – transition and live as a man. I would say that my questioning came in after I started transition and found that I wasn’t really fitting what I considered to be the “standard man” mode. That’s when, thanks to my therapist, I adopted the permanent label of trans man, and I have not changed that since.

So my gender identity went from girl to woman to man (for a very brief time) to trans man. And that is where it has stayed. And the most confusing time for me was as I said above – when I didn’t really feel like I fit as a “man,” and I wasn’t sure what that meant or where I could go from there.

But I had a lot of models to look at, because I knew, when I found out what “transgender” was, that I would transition, I had learned to use the Internet by then, and I was able to see lots of guys who might have identified as men or who might have identified as trans men, but who were out and visible and who I could relate to.

Even though growing up as a girl and woman was tough for me in many ways, it wasn’t the same as living an entire life of really questioning my gender. It wasn’t the same as having a bunch of paths out there that could be available to me and trying to decide which one fit me and which one to choose. That is almost more difficult, in some ways, than what I went through, which was not knowing that there were any paths at all.

I think it’s also easier if you are very certain of your path. There are many people out there who absolutely know that they have gender “issues,” and they absolutely know how they are going to resolve them. They are going to follow a blueprint of some sort. It might not be the exact one prescribed by the medical and psychiatric communities, or it might. But whether it is a traditional path or one given a few personal tweaks, it is a definite path, nonetheless.

While having a lot of choices and a lot of paths to explore might sound like a very positive thing, psychologists have determined that the more choices we have (in almost anything in life), the more unhappy we become. People tend to be happier when their choices are limited.

So while I think that the whole exploration thing is essential for many people, and that no one should be forced into a specific blueprint or road map that is not right for them or feel pressured to make any decisions if they are not sure, questioning and self-exploration can have its own difficulties.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to question. You should question as long as you still have a question in your mind. You have to learn to adjust to the ambiguity and uncertainty, possibly seeing it on the road before you for a long time to come, and I think that would be very difficult –but, at the same time, very liberating, if you approach it that way. If you approach it as a challenge, not a problem, it will be much more fun, educational, and self-fulfilling.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is to take your time as you are figuring out the answers to your questions. Take all the time that you need, whether it be forty days or forty years. One good thing about questioning is that you get to set your own timetable, and you don’t know how long that timetable should take, because you don’t know what’s at the end of it. So just keep exploring.

That was my long answer to a short question that was really addressed to the readers, not to me. So readers who are, or ever were, questioning, the questions are: “What all have you identified as on your gender journey? And what times (if any) were particularly tough/confusing?”

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Tranifesto: Transphobia in Marginalized Communities and You Are Loved

By Matt Kailey

I have a couple of unrelated letters, but they are short, so I thought I would put them together and create one post. Here they are:

A reader writes: “I am a transman who is doing some research on Transphobia within minority groups (LGB and Black communities). Unfortunately I am not having too much luck finding material due to the lack of studies, etc. Could you recommend any sources?”

I am not aware of any studies, although there are probably some out there. Readers might have some ideas or might have seen some. I would recommend contacting the following organizations for starters:

Trans People of Color Coalition

Transgender Law and Policy Institute

National Center for Transgender Equality

National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

With regard to transphobia in black communities, there are some individuals who can probably give you great information, but remember that individuals are very busy and are often volunteering their time, so might not be able to respond. I would recommend:

Monica Roberts of TransGriot

Dr. Kortney Ryan Ziegler of blac (k) ademic

Kylar Broadus

Readers, do you know of any studies? What would you recommend?

A reader writes: “I recently came out on Facebook as a transman, and while I got a lot of support from friends, I also got 168 hateful, bigoted, and damning emails (mostly from people that I graduated from Bible college with). One guy (a pastor of a church) even said “If you were my child and told me you were transgendered, I’d hope you would kill yourself.”

“As a response, some of my best friends made a Facebook group called P.S. You Are Loved to respond to hate with love. They started collecting letters from people I know to remind me that despite those 168 pieces of hate mail, that I AM loved, and that there is a support network full of trans people and trans allies out there.

“My friends created this for me in an hour of need, but I think it’s not just me that needs this. There are a lot of people out there that could use a reminder that they are, in fact, loved. Even by complete strangers.

“Would you mind checking the group out and maybe sharing it with your readers? I’m hoping that more people can see and participate, maybe write a letter to another trans person out there who might be struggling? Thanks!”

I have checked this out and it looks like a great Facebook group, so I would encourage others to do the same. We can all use some love and support in our lives, as well as just some all-around good cheer. So check out P.S. You Are Loved on Facebook and @psyouareloved on Twitter.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Tranifesto: My Granddaughter Came Out as Trans

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “My 12-year-old step-granddaughter has come for a visit. My 19-year-old daughter realized she was acting different and in a discussion with her, my granddaughter explained she feels more like a boy and wants to live as one.

“While taking them to the mall for shopping I expressed that I have only known her as a girl and would probably have trouble in doing things differently. I do choose to be careful not to say ‘she’ and to refer to both girls as the guys or kids, etc.

“Once home, my granddaughter was quiet, and when asking my daughter about it, I was told it was my fault, that my granddaughter was depressed because we can’t jump into this new world with her at the drop of a hat.

“My daughter is very sensitive to issues like this. The problem came when my daughter yelled at me and called me a white supremacist, among a number of other things, because I am not trying hard enough to support her niece/nephew.

“I tried to point out at 12 this is a confusing time and talking to a professional to make sure the child really feels this way is a good way to go. I was told I know nothing and the decision has been made and my grandchild will dress, act and for all intents now be a boy and to not respect that I was showing disrespect to my grandchild. Any advice?”

First, I have some thoughts:

> It’s unfortunate that you were not prepared for this prior to your grandchild’s visit. I don’t know if your grandchild has even talked to his parents about this (I will use the male pronoun because this is what your grandchild has requested). But if he had discussed this with his parents prior to his visit with you, his parents should have let you know, in my opinion. Regardless, you were not prepared, and that led to difficulty that I would say is not your fault.

> While I believe that a 12-year-old is plenty old enough to know his gender identity, a 12-year-old is not necessarily emotionally sophisticated enough to understand the concept of patience with regard to those who are just beginning to adjust to a new gender presentation, new pronouns, and so on. I would expect that a 12-year-old might have outbursts of anger and impatience and might not understand why everyone around him cannot happily adjust to his news without any questions, concerns, or slip-ups. I would expect more from a 19-year-old.

> I don’t think either one – your granddaughter or your daughter – is being fair to you. Again, I would expect that from a 12-year-old, but I wouldn’t give a 19-year-old as much leeway. At 19, a person ought to be aware of the shock this might be and the time that it might take to adjust. With regard to the name calling, I have no idea what problems have come up in your family with regard to race, but your daughter might want to stick to arguments that have something to do with the situation at hand. And then she needs to grow up and calm down so that you might actually be inclined to listen to her.

> I agree with you that I think your grandchild should talk to a professional. Even if he is not the least bit confused about who he is, he is going to have to navigate the world in a different way, and he is going to have to make some decisions for himself that are going to be difficult. A professional therapist, particularly one who is knowledgeable about gender issues, can help him do that.

Now I have some advice:

I would recommend that you sit down with your grandchild – just the two of you – and have a discussion. If I were you (and I’m not), these are the things I would ask and tell my grandchild:

> Have you talked to your parents yet? If yes, what did they say? If no, why not? When are you planning to do that?

> If you have already talked to your parents, how do they feel about taking you to a therapist? Are they using the name and pronouns that you have requested? Have you had any troubles? (You also want to make sure that your grandchild is safe in his home.) Is there anything that I can help you with?

> If you have not talked to your parents, how do you think that they are going to respond? How would they feel about me using a male pronoun for you and relating to you as male? What do you want me to do when I talk to them about you (for example, if they call to check on you)? If they don’t know yet and I use a male pronoun with them, that will obviously be troublesome. How do you want me to handle all of this? Is there anything I can do to help you talk to them?

> I want to support you, and I will do my very best. It’s important for you to understand that I love you and I want to do the right thing. It’s also important for you to understand that this was dropped in my lap and that I have not experienced this before. I still have to get used to this and to adjust to this. I might make mistakes in my pronoun usage, and I might make other mistakes as well. I hope that you are able to bear with me on this and understand that I am doing my best.

I don’t know what the relationships are within your family. If your grandchild has not yet talked to his parents, you might want to offer to go with him or help him with that. I would not recommend that you “tell on him” – that you talk to his parents before he has. But I would make it very clear that he has put you in a bit of a dilemma, because he is expecting you to see him as male and refer to him as male, but yet his parents are not aware of this, so you will be switching back and forth with pronouns and so on with his parents, and this could lead to problems.

I would also make it clear to him that this is not necessarily a fair position that he has put you in, and that you hope that he will decide to tell his parents very soon. (Again, you need to be cognizant of his safety and what might happen to him if he tells his parents.)

If he has already talked to his parents, then I would recommend that you talk to them and find out how they want you to handle this, then put that together with what your grandchild has said and make your best determination. (And depending on your relationship with them, I would be inclined to ask them why they did not prepare you for this.)

But I think the most important thing is the one-on-one with your grandchild. Take him to lunch, take him to the park, take him wherever the two of you can talk uninterrupted. Your daughter should not be in on this conversation.

And don’t let your daughter bully you. You and your grandchild will come to some understandings during this conversation, and depending on what the two of you decide, you daughter might or might not need to be privy to all of them. So you can let her know that you had a good discussion and that you and your grandchild have some agreements that you will both be following. She needs to keep her nose out of all that and have her own conversations with her nephew.

And although this might be a little out of line for me to suggest, since this was not the question you asked, you might want to talk to your daughter about your expectation that the two of you will have adult conversations now that she is an adult, which means no yelling and no name calling – just honest, open discussion about your concerns.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Tranifesto: It’s Time to Lose ‘I Didn’t Choose’ (to be Transgender)

By Matt Kailey

I’m pro-choice, but in this case, I’m not talking about a woman’s right to choose. I’m talking about my right to choose, and my right not to be a victim of my birth.

I just finished watching a new indie gay and lesbian film that had an interesting premise, but I felt like I was back in the ’70s, with the word “homosexual” being thrown around all the time, even by the gay and lesbian characters, and this little gem coming from one of the young lesbian characters when talking to her father:

“I didn’t choose to be this way. I’ve always been this way. I’d be straight if I could. My life would be so much easier.”

I get really tired of this argument, which makes straight the default — and the desirable — way to be, and gay or lesbian the undesirable and unchosen way to be — a way that was forced on certain unfortunate people as a mistake of birth. After all, who wouldn’t want to be straight if they could?

Well, I happen to know hundreds of gay and lesbian people who wouldn’t want to be straight if they could. In fact, I’m not sure I know any who would want to be straight. I know some who would prefer not to have the hassles of being gay or lesbian. I know some who would prefer not to face the prejudice, discrimination, and outright hatred that comes from being gay or lesbian. But I can’t think of any who would want to be straight if they could. I’m sure they’re out there — they’re just getting harder and harder to find.

I realize that it’s a little different for trans people. I realize that there are many trans people who would prefer not to be trans. But I think that quite a few of those trans people, if given the “choice,” would choose to be born into the sex that matches their gender identity, not the gender identity that matches the sex they were assigned at birth.

So do these trans people really wish they weren’t trans? Or do they simply wish that they didn’t have to face the hassles, prejudice, discrimination, and outright hatred that comes with being trans?

Being trans, in and of itself, is not a curse. Neither is being gay or lesbian. It’s the society and the culture that decides whether such things are negative, positive, or neutral. If, as in some cultures, we were revered as powerful, knowledgeable, spiritual, and blessed human beings, would we wish that we weren’t trans? If our family was proud, if we were deemed as special — or even if we were just treated matter-of-factly — would we wish that we weren’t trans?

The “I didn’t choose to be this way” argument paints us as victims. It paints us as tragic figures with an external locus of control — life has done something to us. We have no control over it or over ourselves. We have no “choice.”

I understand the purpose of the argument, because, truly, none of us did choose to be transgender (or gay, lesbian, or bisexual). No one chooses to be straight or non-trans, either. But you don’t hear straight, non-trans people arguing that they didn’t choose to be that way. They don’t need this argument, because they have the power. We don’t. That power makes their particular existence the “right” way to be. We feel as though we have to make the “no choice” argument in order for those in power to accept us, to grant us our rights, and to quit killing us.

But I think there are better arguments — arguments about equality and dignity and human rights — that give us a stronger position and make us stronger as people. To say, “It wasn’t my choice” is to say, “I wouldn’t be this way if I could help it” — which is to say, “This is a bad way to be.”

But is it such a terrible way to be, or is it only terrible because of the way we are looked at and treated by society? Why is straight better? Why is non-trans better? We have been brainwashed into believing that this is so, and we have been brainwashed into believing that we are “less than,” so we have to come up with an argument that excuses our deficiency — and that argument is: “I didn’t choose.”

We come to the table as victims, we sit at the table as victims, and then we wonder why we have no power. It doesn’t matter whether I chose to be this way or not — what matters is that, by virtue of being a human being, I deserve the same rights as everyone else.

There’s nothing wrong with me (well, there’s nothing wrong with me that has to do with being trans). And guess what? I wouldn’t be non-trans if I could. Now tell me why that makes me less deserving than anyone else.

Let’s lose the argument and take back the power that is inherent in our humanness. Let’s forget about who did or who didn’t choose what and concentrate on what we all deserve by virtue of our shared humanity.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Matt Kailey is Everywhere You Want to Be!

Award-winning author, speaker, and activist Matt Kailey is always popping up where you least expect him. Here he is smiling at us from the home page of Metropolitan State University of Denver where he teaches one of the few Transgender Studies college classes in the country. 

Topics covered in the class include basic transgender terminology and etiquette (did you know that there’s a “T-word” that is generally considered an unacceptable slur?); the history of the transgender movement and transgender people (did you know that the Obama administration was the first to appoint an openly trans woman to an important government post?); social, medical, and legal issues (did you know that Colorado was the first venue ever to issue a hate crimes finding in the murder of a trans person?); transgender children and youth (did you know that a Colorado Girl Scout troop caused a national controversy by admitting a transgender scout?); resources for transgender people and service professionals (did you know that Colorado has one of the oldest gender centers in the country?); and many other topics essential to an understanding of transgender people and issues.

Kailey also writes and sells books. You should buy some!

Tranifesto: Should Trans People Play Trans Characters? Yes and No

By Matt Kailey

The idea of trans people playing trans characters on television, in films, and on stage comes up time and time again, and will probably continue to do so as more trans characters are appearing in mainstream story lines and more trans actors are moving into the mainstream entertainment world.

When Boys Don’t Cry came out years ago, my first thought was “They couldn’t find a trans man to play this part?” The thought came back when Transamerica graced the big screen and I wondered if there really weren’t any trans women out there to play this role. But the truth is that if they had found trans actors to play Brandon Teena and Bree, the films would not have taken off the way that they did.

Hilary Swank and Felicity Huffman were box-office draws. At the time, and still today, no trans actor would lure mainstream audiences to theaters the way that Swank and Huffman did. Since the benefit of both of those films was letting mainstream audiences learn a little bit about trans and gender-diverse experience, the impact would be lost.

On the other hand, wouldn’t trans actors have been a better fit? Wouldn’t trans actors be able to legitimately portray these experiences so much more realistically than non-trans actors who had to learn the ropes from the ground up? And wouldn’t casting trans actors in roles like these give them the exposure that they needed to gain some traction in the tough and competitive acting world?

Yes and no.

There are a lot of good things about trans actors playing trans characters, and I believe that it should be done whenever possible. But there are some downsides, too.

I love the show Modern Family, and I love Eric Stonestreet in his role as Cameron, a relatively stereotypical gay man, but with far more depth than a simple caricature. When Stonestreet won an Emmy for his role after the first season, I was happy about it and I thought that he deserved it. But the truth is that the other actors on that show are just as talented and just as good in their roles (and many of them were nominated and have gone on to win awards as the show has continued).

I think that Stonestreet won, in part, because he is a straight man playing a gay man – something that is seen as “acting.” His on-screen partner, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, is gay. For some people, the assumption is that a gay man playing a gay character isn’t really “acting” – he’s just being himself, with no credit given to the fact that “himself” is probably nothing like the character that he is portraying.

And so it might very well be with a trans actor playing a trans role – “Oh, that person isn’t acting. That person is just being him- or herself.” And that’s one of the downsides. If a trans man had played Brandon Teena in Boys Don’t Cry, no matter how good of an actor he was, he would probably not have gotten nearly the credit that Swank got. And he probably would not have won an Academy Award, as Swank did. The assumption would be that he wasn’t really acting.

So while I’m completely in favor of trans actors being cast in trans roles, and while I’m also in favor of trans characters appearing in mainstream film and television without the plot or subplot revolving around some hideous or hilarious thing going on in their life with regard to being trans, I also want to see trans actors playing non-trans roles.

This will not only showcase their wide range of talent, but it will help prevent typecasting. If trans actors only play trans roles, then when the perfect part comes along for a particular actor, and that part happens to be a non-trans character, the casting director won’t even think about the trans actor for that role. But if that actor has played many parts, both trans and non-trans, then his or her name is more likely to come up as a possibility.

And there are certain films in which getting the experience out there to mainstream audiences is more important than casting a trans actor in a trans role. In that case, I say let the actor who will draw the biggest audience play the role, even if that actor is not trans. In the long run, this will help us, because as our community gains more visibility and more acceptance, trans actors will benefit as well.

But overall, I think we should support trans actors for trans roles (if they fit the role), we should support trans actors for non-trans roles (if they fit the role), and we should work to make sure that mainstream audiences understand that trans actors playing trans characters are still acting – this is talent, not just “being themselves.”

Readers, what do you think?

(P.S.: If they ever make a movie of my life, I want Peter Sarsgaard to play me. No, he’s not trans, but they’re not going to make a movie of my life, either, so it’s pretty much a moot point.)

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.