Tranifesto: Gender Identity Confusion

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “My 19-year-old son came out to us as gay when he was 17. Although he has never had any relationship with anybody, I understand that he is attracted to males and have absolutely no issues with him being gay. Now that he is 19 (still no relationships), he is saying he thinks he is transsexual, which I just don’t see in him.

“He is a math-nerd type, very logical, extremely bright, not at all into image. Hates the typical female stuff like shopping or dressing up or fashion. Very male mind – into fantasy/anime/sci fi.

“I just don’t see it and am afraid he will further isolate himself and become less happy should he move forward. He is going to see a counselor that works with LGBT issues, but I don’t want to label him as trans if he is not truly. Am I mistaken to think that most MTF persons would have more fem traits? Please help.”

Tranifesto: Did You Have Doubts About Transition?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I turned 33 and for all my life, I’ve always tended to dress and act in a manly way. I don’t like the traces of femininity on my body but I learned to live with it. The last nine years I identified as a lesbian and was quite content, although I always felt something isn’t right.

“Half a year ago I realized that there is something as ‘transgender’ and it felt like the solution to my discomfort. I went to therapists and got my paper to start testosterone. I told few friends. First they were like, ‘No problem, that’s cool,’ but now when it turns serious, they tell me that they don’t see me as a man and that I’m doing a big mistake, I would mutilate a perfect body now and still not be a real man.

“I had myself a breakdown thinking about a new male name – everything felt ‘ridiculous.’ I know I have to know what is right for me, but some of the points my friend told me are torturing me. I am biologically a woman now. I am perhaps the outsider in look and behavior, but completely accepted among my female friends. In fact, I have only female close friends.

“I feel at ease around men, but they look at me as a woman and so I still don’t belong to them, which discomforts me again. I was socialized for 33 years as a woman and was always trying to fit in as best – I can’t cut out this part and I don’t want to lose my female friends.

“How was this transition for you? As I understand you had the bigger change from ‘girly girl’ to man. Did you never doubt you were on the right track? Did you lose your friends? How did you cope emotionally?”

Tranifesto: What Is My Sexual Identity?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am having issues determining my sexual identity since transition from female to male. Dating and having a relationship are things I consciously took off the table while I was in the early stages of transition. It is now three years into transistion and the idea of having someone in my life is sounding pretty good.

“Although I am attracted to the male physique and enjoy the visual of a handsome, sexually attractive man, I just don’t picture myself in a sexual relationship with a man, but I wouldn’t take it off the table. I am attracted to women, especially lesbian women. But I am not so interested in overly masculine lesbians. If she is more masculine than I am, I feel feminine and that makes me uncomfortable.

“But the thought of having my face in close proximity of a vagina just makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t know if that is an act I could perform. I am not sure if that distaste has to do with the fact that even though I have had some surprisingly impressive changes, I still consider myself to have a vagina and I don’t like it at all and I am looking forward to the day I have lower surgery.

“I don’t really care about labels, but my brain wants desperately to find a category to place my sexually identity in. So what defines sexual identity? Is it attraction to femininity or masculinity, a particular type of genitalia or what? I like to believe my sexual attraction revolves around the individual as a whole and not just particular body parts. I am so confused. What are your words of wisdom on the topic of sexual identity?”

Tranifesto: A Question for the Questioning

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “Asking this question on behalf of all the questioning folks out there: If you’re comfortable sharing, what all have you identified as on your gender journey? And what times (if any) were particularly tough/confusing?”

Questioning gender can be very difficult, although it’s not as hard, I would think, as it was way back when, when there was just one model or “blueprint” to choose from, and everyone was expected to go down a prescribed path – if they fit the established criteria.

At least now, there are different options and alternatives available, and information is out there for almost everyone in almost every situation. But that comes with its own set of problems.

I can’t say that I personally was ever questioning my gender – at least not in the sense that we talk about it today – because I was sure for over forty years that I was a girl/woman. I didn’t think that was what I was supposed to be, but I thought that was the way it was and that there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t know that there was anyone else like me, and I didn’t know that what I was experiencing had a label and was an actual identified “thing.”

Once I discovered that, there was again very little questioning involved, because I knew what I was going to do – transition and live as a man. I would say that my questioning came in after I started transition and found that I wasn’t really fitting what I considered to be the “standard man” mode. That’s when, thanks to my therapist, I adopted the permanent label of trans man, and I have not changed that since.

So my gender identity went from girl to woman to man (for a very brief time) to trans man. And that is where it has stayed. And the most confusing time for me was as I said above – when I didn’t really feel like I fit as a “man,” and I wasn’t sure what that meant or where I could go from there.

But I had a lot of models to look at, because I knew, when I found out what “transgender” was, that I would transition, I had learned to use the Internet by then, and I was able to see lots of guys who might have identified as men or who might have identified as trans men, but who were out and visible and who I could relate to.

Even though growing up as a girl and woman was tough for me in many ways, it wasn’t the same as living an entire life of really questioning my gender. It wasn’t the same as having a bunch of paths out there that could be available to me and trying to decide which one fit me and which one to choose. That is almost more difficult, in some ways, than what I went through, which was not knowing that there were any paths at all.

I think it’s also easier if you are very certain of your path. There are many people out there who absolutely know that they have gender “issues,” and they absolutely know how they are going to resolve them. They are going to follow a blueprint of some sort. It might not be the exact one prescribed by the medical and psychiatric communities, or it might. But whether it is a traditional path or one given a few personal tweaks, it is a definite path, nonetheless.

While having a lot of choices and a lot of paths to explore might sound like a very positive thing, psychologists have determined that the more choices we have (in almost anything in life), the more unhappy we become. People tend to be happier when their choices are limited.

So while I think that the whole exploration thing is essential for many people, and that no one should be forced into a specific blueprint or road map that is not right for them or feel pressured to make any decisions if they are not sure, questioning and self-exploration can have its own difficulties.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to question. You should question as long as you still have a question in your mind. You have to learn to adjust to the ambiguity and uncertainty, possibly seeing it on the road before you for a long time to come, and I think that would be very difficult –but, at the same time, very liberating, if you approach it that way. If you approach it as a challenge, not a problem, it will be much more fun, educational, and self-fulfilling.

The most important thing, in my opinion, is to take your time as you are figuring out the answers to your questions. Take all the time that you need, whether it be forty days or forty years. One good thing about questioning is that you get to set your own timetable, and you don’t know how long that timetable should take, because you don’t know what’s at the end of it. So just keep exploring.

That was my long answer to a short question that was really addressed to the readers, not to me. So readers who are, or ever were, questioning, the questions are: “What all have you identified as on your gender journey? And what times (if any) were particularly tough/confusing?”

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Tranifesto: Does My Body Determine My Support and Social Groups?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I am an FAAB (female-assigned at birth) genderqueer individual who is also gay. I never pretend to understand being trans, transitioning, and all of those experiences that I will never have.

“However, I got a kick in the gut tonight from very good friends (four lesbians, one gay guy) who completely slammed the whole trans umbrella.

“They essentially said that they do not believe that trans women belong in spaces such as the women’s group at the LGBT center, and same for trans men with the men’s group. I asked where I fit, and they were like, ‘You have a vagina, don’t you? With the women, duh.’ I felt like my entire identity was invalidated in that moment by the last people who should be doing that.

“But then they made what some would consider a valid point: trans women grew up with male privilege, and that is something cis women have never had. Trans women wouldn’t know anything about menstruation and other issues that happen in that department that cis women want to discuss.
“It went on and on in that vein, with the main point being that the experience of the cis woman versus the trans woman is very different. Just as someone who isn’t transitioning wouldn’t go to a group for transitioning trans people, why should trans women go to a group for women of cisgender experience?

“Now, I am still stinging from the invalidation of my gender identity in the course of this conversation, and perhaps you can help me here. Am I overreacting? I know they are my friends and they never meant to make me feel that way. Are they entitled to this opinion that since I have a vagina and was born with one I should box myself into the women’s group and that trans women don’t belong there? Are they wrong for saying this? Am I wrong for being pissed?”

My short answer to the questions you ask in your last paragraph are: probably not, yes, no, and no. Here are my long answers (after the jump):

Tranifesto: How Can I Live a Gender Fluid Life?

By Matt Kailey

A reader writes: “I’ve recently started to question my gender. I’m trying out using one letter (like an initial) as my name and as my pronoun, instead of ‘him’ and ‘he.’ I first thought I was just gay, but I’m starting to think that I’m gender queer.

“How does someone live a gender fluid life? And at the moment, as I’m a man who is attracted to men, how would a gender transition affect my sexuality?”

While true gender fluidity is not my area of expertise, I know quite a few people who identify as genderqueer and/or as gender fluid. However, having friends who identify as such is not the same as being there myself, so I hope that we will hear from genderqueer and gender fluid readers.

I think that living as gender fluid can be done successfully. The people I know who are gender fluid are, for the most part, very happy and comfortable in their lives and in their identity. Any battles they face are with a culture that insists that they be one thing or the other and is not comfortable with ambiguity or uncertainty (and I have to be very clear here that it is the culture that is problematic, because the people I know who are gender fluid don’t feel ambiguous or uncertain – they know who they are).

Again, I’m not an expert on living a gender fluid life. I can offer some suggestions, and then ask readers to bring in their expertise. Here are my thoughts:

> Be who you are. Choose the clothing, hairstyle, and other gender expressions that are comfortable for you. Don’t be afraid to shop in the “men’s department” and the “women’s department” in stores. Use the mannerisms and vocal inflections that come naturally to you.

If you’re not sure what is natural for you because the people around you have certain expectations about who you are based on what they already know of you, go somewhere new and different – even for a weekend – and see how you act and who you are in unfamiliar circumstances around people who don’t know you. It might sound like a cliché, but let your “true self” emerge.


> Don’t worry about how to be genderqueer. The right way to express your gender is the way that is right for you. The people I know who identify as genderqueer are not alike, just like the people I know who identify as trans (or as anything, really) are not alike.

So don’t worry about what you are “supposed” to do to be genderqueer. Just do what feels right and give yourself the label that best fits – or give yourself no label at all.

> Forget about the gender roles and expectations that you have been socialized into. Don’t feel as if you have to comply with them, but don’t feel as if you have to reject them, either. If you have been socialized into certain “male” roles that you like, keep them. If they “sort of” fit you, adapt them. If they don’t fit you at all, get rid of them. You have a chance to create the life you want and the person you want to be by experimenting with what is and is not comfortable for you.

This does not mean that there won’t be roadblocks. I might be wrong, but I get the impression that you live in the United States, which is a very binary society. You will have to declare a sex – “M” or “F” – for your driver’s license, Social Security file, and probably your workplace, depending on the laws in your state.

You might have difficulty getting your friends and family to adjust to your chosen pronouns. You might end up doing a lot of correcting. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t respect your wishes. It just means that the reality is that they might have trouble doing so, and you might end up frustrated.
Also, depending on the laws in your state, your workplace might not have to comply with your chosen pronouns or your preferred restroom. And strangers will probably misgender you, because strangers will usually choose “he” or “she,” based on their own perceptions.

None of this means that you can’t live the way you want to. It simply means that the “outside world” might not always cooperate. You have to adjust to that the best you can.

With regard to your sexuality, you ask how a “gender transition” would affect it. I’m not quite sure what you mean here, but I’m going to take a stab at it and assume that you mean a transition from a traditional “masculine” identity to a more fluid identity. I don’t know if you intend any medical transition through hormones and/or surgery.

Once you start living as yourself, no matter how you reach that place, it’s possible that your sexual and romantic attractions could change, and it’s possible that they will not. Don’t worry about labels for your attractions.

I know a person who was born with a “standard” male body, identifies as genderqueer, and identifies as bisexual. I know another person who was born with a “standard” male body, identifies as genderqueer, and is in a long-term relationship with another individual who was born with a “standard” male body.

I don’t know what label this person uses for their (preferred pronoun) sexual orientation or their relationship, and they might not use any. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that, if you desire it, you find a person you are attracted to who is attracted to you.

We live in a culture that expects us to label our sexual orientation and then expects us to remain within the parameters of that label. If there’s any way that you can let that go, I would suggest that you try. Your sexuality is your sexuality. It doesn’t matter what label it has. It doesn’t matter if it changes. It just it what it is at any given moment in your life.

That’s how I see things. But again, there are others who are better equipped to offer advice in this area, so I hope that we will hear from them.

Readers? You’re on.

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Jared Polis' plan for gender equality

Rep. Jared Polis (Dem-CO-gay) lays out his recommendations for gender equality in the Obama stimulus package.