Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Nice to See StevieB: Mopar Mistake


By StevieB

Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard stated, “You must do something, but in as much as with your limited capacities it will be impossible to make anything easier…you must, with the same… enthusiasm make something harder.”

I thought of this early yesterday morning when upon giving Fuzzy his birthday present, I discovered that I have proven Kierkegaard’s philosophical belief of what’s easy to obtain isn’t worth obtaining. See, I was very excited about my birthday present for my homosex companion partner. I had acquired this gift so easily and cheaply off the interwebs. A Mopar cold air intake for his Dodge Challenger. His 2012 Dodge Challenger. In case you're wondering what a cold air intake is, I’ve provided an illustration. It’s a butch air cleaner… it ups your fuel efficiency, but mostly makes you feel superior to other dudes that own the same car. Like wearing a store bought dress to prom, instead of having to sew your own.

The glow of happiness gleamed off the chromium intake nozzle as my mature partner bounced around the kitchen. Happy at his new toy he screeched “I could put it on right now!” He said as he gently stroked the giant “M” on the Mopar box. “Wait! This isn’t right.” My head turned sideways, like a grey hound attempting to understand the Electoral College. “This is for the ’04- ’10 Hemi engines. You know I have a ’12.”

I could not admit that I hadn’t the foggiest idea that they made this particular car accoutrement different for different year cars.Being too busy to actually walk into the Dodge dealership and ask, or even call my bud, Mike, a Chrysler/Dodge mechanic, I just pulled up Mopar.com at work one day and ordered what looked right.

“Anything worth doing, isn't easy, but that is what makes it worth doing.” I mumbled under my breath as I handed the box containing a cold air intake thingy by Mopar over to the lady behind the counter at the UPS store. The box on its way back for whence it came, and me on my way to the Dodge parts counter.
This post originally appeared on Steven Bennet's website Nice to See StevieB. Republished with permission.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Gay Vegans: Living In Exile

By Dan Hanley

Living in exile. I used to think that only gay people had to deal with this based on my personal experiences. Of course that has never been true.

The Christmas before I came out I was with some friends who were also gay and in the Navy and they were talking about going to Washington DC for the holiday. I thought it odd that they wouldn't go home and their response was that this is what it was like to live in exile. Back then, as now, some families did not want their openly gay children at family gatherings or special occasions. Yes, it's hard to imagine and I assure you this still happens.

More common these days is that the gay family member will be "invited" to the big family gathering or special occasion but the partner or spouse is not welcome. Yes, in 2013, this conversation is being had at many kitchen tables and in many living rooms.

When my cousin Jennifer got married she made it very clear that me and my partner were invited. This was back in 1997 and it almost seems like a lifetime ago. Jennifer and I had grown up together, I love her very much and it didn't even come close to a thought that my partner would not be invited to her wedding. (Not to mention that gay people stereotypically give great wedding gifts!)

In the 23 years that I have been out there have been many times I did not want to attend a family gathering because of who might be there or what might be said in front of my partner and now husband. I have always understood that there will be people everywhere, in and out of family, that are not comfortable with me dating or being married to a man. Knowing this helps me in making decisions on whether or not I want my beloved to be treated poorly. This is more like self-imposed exile, and it is no fun.

Mike and I have family members who decide not to visit us because they are afraid they won't be able to eat meat while visiting us. The practice in our home is that there is no violence allowed, including that of eating animals. It's really not that big of a deal as our neighbors are not vegan and there are a ton of places to eat around us that serve meat.

And then there is religion. Friends who are of different faiths in their parents eyes are not included in certain gatherings because one of them is not of the family faith.

And race. The list could go on and on. Whether we choose to not be a part of something or that choice is made for us, living in exile is no fun. What we can do about it is to show up at gatherings with love and openness and to accept nothing more than love and recognition for who we are or who our partner or spouse is. We can also make sure that through word and action we never allow friends or family to live in exile, whether it is self-imposed or not.

We want our friends and family to always feel love and support from us, to always know that they have a safe, loving place in our home.

To anyone reading this is is living in exile: You are not alone. We love you.

Thanks for reading.

This post originally appeared on Dan Hanley's website The Gay Vegans. Republished with permission.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Nice To See StevieB: The Down Comfort

By StevieB

On my Christmas list I had several things, the first thing I added was, “a high-end and high-quality down comforter.” This was not because I thought that my lifetime companion-partner would cheap out and buy an inexpensive down comforter, it was that after seven years, I know how he would feel walking into the bedding department of the local Bed, Bath, and Beyond store. Scratching his head through his Hemi engine themed ball cap he would like to just point to my scribble of “high end” and the salesperson would get the hint.

I desired a new down comforter because the one on the bed was fourteen years old. It had traveled in my move to Dallas, then back again. It saw every life event in the last fourteen years and was now just a shadow of its former self. In the last year, if you moved it just the wrong way a cannon of feathers would shoot out. A cascade or tickertape parade of down that would cover the dog an anything else the multiple holes were aimed towards. Parts of the ghost comforter where completely empty of down, just sad yellowing cotton held together by my determination.

I was odd how easily the request topped my Christmas list, as the ghost comforter did; at one point; mean the world to me.

In the fall of 1996 I was planning to set up house for my first, real relationship. We had decided to move in together and were scurrying like happy, gay crabs to collect things for our first home. Both his and my leases happened to end at the same time, until then we would shop for what we would need. Growing up with out the simple knowledge that bedding wasn’t all animal themed acrylic blankets, I loved that our first purchase together was “a high-end and high-quality down comforter.” The future seemed so bright snuggling warmly under that down comforter.

As life sometimes happens, he became ill. We, and life abandoned our plans to live together. Soon his family stepped in to help.

On a sunny day in June, 1998 I wandered through a garage sale. It was on a well-manicured driveway of the sister who stepped in to help six months earlier. The items were nothing exciting, just your average garage sale stuff. The kind owned by single man who had succumb to a non-disclosed disease. Maybe cancer. As I walked through the discarded household items, I could feel the weight of the entire family burn into me. When the sister had organized the clean out of his house, my cries that some of the items belonged to me and somewhere jointly purchased, had fallen on deaf ears. After filling a bag with my own clothes I picked up a down comforter lying on the cement. I quietly shelled out $50 borrowed dollars and walked down the drive to my truck. Even though it was June, I wrapped my newly acquired blanked around me and hopped into the cab and drove away.

For the next fourteen years that cotton bag of goose down was my remembrance of what had been and what could have been. It was a memory filled and my prized possession. As life sometimes
happens, the cotton turned yellow as it aged, and holes tore in the fabric and my memory.  Holding on like a gay Miss Havisham I clung to the comforter as if it actually held the memories of my long dead relationship. 

Material items cannot possess another’s memory. If you fall prey to this fallacy you create your own Great Expectations. I will always have my first love whether I cling onto an old blanket, or have the possibility to make new memories cuddled up in bed with my new down comforter, with someone I love.   

This post originally appeared on Steven Bennet's website Nice to See StevieB. Republished with permission.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Tranifesto: Looking for Love in 2013?

By Matt Kailey

The holidays can be a rough time for trans people who are feeling alone and lonely, and if you’re one of those people, you might be making a New Year’s resolution to find romance in 2013. And while no one ever called me the world’s greatest lover (although I’m not aware of excessive complaints), I do have a few things for you to consider if a new relationship is one of your resolutions:

1. A storybook romance is not the end-all and be-all of your life. If you grew up with fairy tales and happily-ever-after endings, you might feel left out, or even like a loser, if you are not happily hitched in one form or another. But remember that the Western cultural model of a two-person, monogamous (and usually heterosexual) relationship is just that – one model.

A society decides what it needs and wants from its citizens, and then it propels them in that direction – through advertising, movies, television, and cultural storytelling. In Western society’s eyes, a romantic relationship between two people ensures a particular societal structure, order, and organization. It helps keep the gears humming and moves things along smoothly.

There’s nothing wrong with that, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a traditional romantic and/or sexual relationship. But one-person households are on the rise in the U.S., and being single is no longer considered a “flaw.” So if you’re looking for a relationship because you want a relationship, go get ‘em! But if you’re looking for a relationship because you think you should be in one, think twice about letting your socialization control your social life.

2. There are many types of “successful” relationships. “Till death do us part” has long been the defining force of relationship “success.” The problem with this is that in order to determine whether or not your relationship has been successful, one of you has to die.

A successful relationship is not necessarily one that lasts a lifetime – it is one that worked for the time you were in it, and one that you were able to take something away from, even if that “something” is a hard lesson learned. So if you’re bemoaning the fact that you’ve never had a “successful” relationship, take another look and redefine “success.”

It’s likely that many of your past relationships were successful. And it’s likely that any new ones will be, too – whether they last a lifetime, a few years, a few months, or a weekend. Did you have fun? Was the experience valuable? Voila – success!

3. Friendships are often stronger, and last longer, than romantic relationships. Think about how long you’ve known your best friend. Then think about how long your most recent relationship lasted. If you’re feeling lonely, find a friend. While it’s true that, in most cases, you will likely be giving up the physical and sexual aspects of a romantic relationship, that’s why they invented sex toys – and they last longer and cost less than a high-end dinner and drinks.

Where do you find these friends? In places that interest you. Join an online chat group or a face-to-face social or hobby group that you like – a writing group, a book-discussion group, a skiing group, a religious group. You are likely to make good friends who have similar interests – and it’s just possible that you will meet a romantic partner as well.

4. Don’t settle – no matter how lonely you are. As trans people, we can be rejected just because we’re trans. But that doesn’t mean that we have to settle for the first person who shows an interest – unless we happen to be genuinely interested, too. If you find yourself thinking, “I better jump on this. Who else will want me? Who else will have me?”, then move on – this isn’t the person for you.

You decide what kind of person you want to be with, and then go after that type of person. That doesn’t mean that you will get the person of your dreams – one reason we have fantasies is to make up for the disappointments of real life – but if you hike every day and love the outdoors, you probably don’t want someone who expects you to stay inside and watch movies all day. If you’re a vegetarian who can’t stand the sight or smell of meat, you don’t want Ronald McDonald.

Guess what? You get to be just as picky as anyone else. Then, when you find that special someone, it will have been worth the wait.

5. Don’t rule out other trans people. Although many others don’t agree with me, I have never considered someone who won’t date trans people as transphobic. Now, that person might be transphobic, but not simply by virtue of having certain dating preferences. However, if you’re active in the trans community and you’re ruling out the people who you spend most of your time with, you’re dismissing a lot of potential great mates.

If you don’t want to date other trans people because you prefer a certain body type or history or whatever, that’s your choice. But if you don’t want to date other trans people because you think that they are somehow “lesser” than non-trans people, then you’ve got some inner work to do. Do that, then go out and date whoever you want.

Will you find love in 2013? Who knows? The future’s not ours to see – but it is ours to create. So go out and create the best year possible for yourself. When you are happy with your life as it is, a relationship, if you want one, will be the gravy – not the meat and potatoes (or tofu). And no matter what happens, you will always have you.

Happy New Year!

This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.  

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Sleeping Together: Fantasy Versus Reality

By Todd Craig
When I was single, I had these Cinderella dreams of life as a couple.  I romanticized growing old together.  I imagined snuggling up and drifting to sleep in the arms of my man on cold winter nights as if life outside were a Thomas Kincade painting.
The reality is that Thomas Kincade is dead, and his paintings, like those dreams of snuggly sleep, weren’t real either.
The ninth anniversary of the first date with my husband will be here in a few days.  Nine years, man.  That’s a pretty good start on something special, and it’s definitely enough time to have learned a few things along the way.
The biggest myth these past nine years exposed is this: We don’t snuggle up together and fall asleep in each others' arms.  We’re a couple.  We love each other deeply.  We’re deeply devoted to one another, too.  But for us, sleeping together has nothing to do with those single-person idyllic dreams of drifting off to slumber amidst nightly cuddles.  Instead, the reality has been a bit of a rude awakening, pun intended, for us both in that regard.
Sleeping Together Reality #1 –The first sign reality differed from fantasy was when I learned that my man has cold feet.  They’re colder than the damned sidewalk, and they’re unnaturally cold twelve months out of the year.  In the depths of winter, those footsicles are the first things that greet me upon getting into bed. 
You know those idiots who do the polar bear plunge of jumping into an icy lake on New Year’s?  They have nothing on me.  They do their little jump once a year.  Me?  I do it nightly.  Honestly, the temperature of his feet hovers somewhere between Canadian cold front and Absolute Zero.  Probably closer to the latter.  It’s gotten so bad that I flinch when I pull back the sheets.   My testicles have withdrawn so many times that they’re on a first name basis with my kidneys.
My spirit has been so broken that I recently bought a heated mattress pad for us.  It has twenty different settings of heat with Level One being a gentle radiating warmth and Level 20 being enough to take a frozen pot roast to medium rare perfection in less than three minutes.  Even at that setting and after a few minutes of thawing time, there is still a nightly negotiation between his feet and my body that I always lose. 
Sleeping Together Reality #2 – I’ll be the first to admit, I love snuggling.  I love to pull my husband close to me, drape my right arm across his bare torso, and hold him close to me.  Sounds good, right?  Not to him.
In his world, my arm weighs about thirty pounds.  The weight of my arm is uncomfortable and confining to him, so there’s no possible way he can get to sleep like that.  Every time I reach across with my arm, in his mind I might as well be laying a sandbag across his chest.
Turnabout is fair play, for as much as I like to snuggle with my arms, my husband likes to get a leg up on the competition, pun intended again, by snuggling with his legs.  He has this weird thing about not wanting his knees to touch, and his solution to this problem is to throw one or both of his legs over me once I’m asleep.  I don’t know if anyone else in the world has ever had this done to him, but let me inform you, having half of a person draped over you twists your spine in some rather unnatural positions that even the Karma Sutra would take a pass on. 
Sleeping Together Reality #3 – Never in all my years of dating did any boy ever tell me that I snored.  There are probably a number of reasons that I never heard this, including the fact that many times we didn’t actually get to the whole sleeping part of the night, but regardless, I’ve always believed that I was a silent sleeper.
To hear my husband tell it, however, my breathing is the perfect combination of the whistling winds in a canyon, the roaring engine of a 747 taking off, and a truck downshifting on the interstate.  A couple of weeks ago I was in a deep, dark sleep when all of a sudden, WHAM! I got an elbow in the ribs.
“What was that for?” I mumbled.
“You were breathing out of your mouth funny.  You were making this weird clicking noise!  Shhhhhh-pop! Shhhhh-pop!  Shhhhh-pop!  Over and over and over again.”
I began to comment that I was probably laboring to breathe due to the fact that I had his legs draped over me when I was elbowed in the chest a second time.  He suggested that I should keep my mouth shut while I was both asleep and awake if I didn’t want any more pointed elbows heading my direction.  That harsh reality was colder than my husband’s feet, and it was enough to convince me to roll over and keep my smart ass comments to myself.
All in all, there’s nothing quite like falling in love with the man of your dreams.  The Cinderella story is well known to us all, and when you’re single you cling to those relationship dreams and all of the idyllic images that go along with them to get you through the challenges of dating and the single life.
Reality isn’t always perfect, however.   Sometimes Prince Charming has cold feet.  Sometimes Prince Charming snores.
And the reality of sleeping with someone, like those elbows to the ribs, can be a bit of a rude awakening from what you hoped it would be.
I love my husband with all of my heart, and marrying him is the best thing that I’ve ever done.  Would knowing that we wouldn’t be snuggling blissfully to sleep every night for the rest of our lives change my single mind about marrying him?
Would his cold feet have given me cold feet?
Nah.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Am I A Bad Gay? Miserable About 'Les Miserables'

Todd Craig
My husband wants me to take him to go see Les Miserables.   
Sure, the movie has earned great reviews and has garnered Oscar buzz.  Yes, I know that it’s the first blockbuster Hollywood musical since The Sound of Music.  And I’m well aware that my Twitter feed has been clogged with twitterpated gay friends all chirping about how fabulous it is.
Am I a Bad Gay for not wanting to see it?
Am I a Bad Gay for thinking that Les Miserables might be the most appropriately titled movie ever?
True Story #1:  My Uncle Jim, the family wit in a family full of sharp ones, after being dragged by my Aunt Becky to see the Meryl Streep classic Out of Africa, declared that he was “… glad to get out of Africa.”
Anyway, here’s my deal.  I’m a nerdy gay. I grew up on a healthy dose of Spiderman comic books and Star Trek reruns.  I considered last summer’s Avengers movie to be high entertainment.  Yes, I know that makes me a bit dorky, and yes, I know that The Big Bang Theory hits a little close to home sometimes.  As a nerdy gay, I’m the one wearing a collared shirt at the gay bar filled with boys wearing low-cut, V-necks. 
True Story #2:  One of the last times I was at a gay bar, I got separated from my husband who was there with his hag.  I was approached by a gay guy, who sauntered up and asked what a straight boy like me was doing in a gay bar.  I replied, somewhat amused and somewhat coy, that perhaps there was a chance that I was indeed gay.  His response?  “Oh honey, not possible in that shirt.”
All of which, on top of my distaste of movie musicals, might lend you to believe that I’m some sort of Bad Gay.
I guess that I just don’t see much appeal when it comes to these song-and-dance reviews.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good drama.  I also love music.  But, like a picky six-year old eater, I just don’t like it when my peas get all mixed up with my carrots.  When you mix them all up, the meal’s just not palatable any more.
I’m beginning to wonder if my gay gene is missing the love-of-musicals DNA molecule.  While the rest of the gay world sees Hugh Jackman, Broadway star, I see Wolverine, mutant bad-ass who isn’t doing anything stabby.  Yawn.  
My husband and I have greatly varying tastes when it comes to movies.   In the past, I’ve indulged his every gay desire with such painfully unwatchable movies as Sex and the City 2 
Side Note:  Why does the usually charming Sarah Jessica Parker make such shitty movies?  My husband loves her, imagines himself to be Carrie Bradshaw at least six times a day, gets all ramped up for her latest flick, and then is constantly left disappointed and slightly defensive of his movie star friend.  If Les Miserables has anything going for it, it might be that SJP isn’t in it. 
Side Note #2:  Another appropriately titled movie:  Failure to Launch.  Seriously, don’t put the word failure as the first word of the title of a Sarah Jessica Parker movie.  The same goes for words like doomed, awful, and bleh.
Seriously, if I end up going - and we all know that I will in the name of being the world’s best husband - I will have definitely have to fake my gay orgasm after watching Wolverine sing for two and half hours.  I’ll try not to look at my watch.  I’ll "ooo" and "ahh".  I’ll pretend it was awesome.  I’ll say nice things afterwards.
However, I won’t really mean any of it.
Of course, maybe I’ll be surprised.  Maybe, just maybe, my long-buried gay chanteuse of a conscience will stand up in a feather boa and deliver a soul-shaking, heart-wrenching lyric that will put me and those around me in a song-and-dance finale that brings down the house while my newly-liberated gay self soars to unheard of heights.
But that probably won’t happen while wearing this shirt.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Nice to See StevieB: Our Future

By StevieB

New Years Eve 1997 found me in a private room at Saint Joseph’s Hospital sitting in a chair pulled up close to the bed of my partner, Randy Jorgensen.

I was flipping through the channels trying to find Dick Clarks’ Rocking New Years Eve on the television. Randy having been re-admitted for complications with pneumonia lay in the bed trying to find a comfortable spot. With the IV and feeding tubes he found it hard to see the screen. His family long since left for their comfortable homes in the ‘burbs it was just the two of us waiting for the ball to drop. In many aspects.



When Dick Clark showed a clip of London and how they brought in 1998 something in Randy and I just snapped. We both quickly started to make plans to travel to London in the new year. We decided to get an expensive hotel in the gay part of town, we would travel on day trips to see every castle and walk every museum and lay on a blanket in every park, forgetting that he could barley walk to the hospital room’s bathroom. 

We spent the next hour planning our vacation. Every once in awhile we would lock eyes and know that everything we were enthusiastically deciding upon would be complete fiction. We were lying to each other; Randy was close to the end of his hard fought battle with AIDS. But on that New Years Eve we pretended that we were in control of our future.

During my late teenage years I found myself sitting with my Father in his Bishops Office at our town’s Mormon temple. We were discussing my future mission around the world to bring Mormonism to people and cultures that desperately needed to be brought to Christ. After my mission and becoming a man, I would attend BYU in Utah. This would find me a degree and a wife.

We discussed my mission and coming back to our small town so that my wife and I could bring more children into our extended family, raising the population of smiling happy Mormons in the church. Every once in awhile we would lock eyes and know that everything we were enthusiastically deciding upon would be complete fiction. My life would quickly take me down a path far from him and the Mormon Church. We were lying to each other, but in that church office we pretended that we were in control of our future.

Soon the ball dropped and 1998 saw Randy living for only twenty-two days. On the twenty-second day I helped Randy slip his skin telling him that we would see London someday. Feeling somehow apologetic that we didn’t get to go. I felt the same overriding guilt was I did when my Father heard me say that he would not get grandchildren from me as my life was on another path.

It’s funny, this weekend I started to read a biography about a young man’s struggle with the church and homosexuality and suddenly I realized that I really want need to visit London.  

This post originally appeared on Steven Bennet's website Nice to See StevieB. Republished with permission.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Gay Vegans: Gratitude for Friendships

By Dan Hanley

It was a fun, sunshiny day in Denver. I was attending a fundraisers conference at DU (University of Denver) and as always I arrived early to scope out the place and meet the speakers who always arrive early to test the audio visual. Mission accomplished and I chose a place in the middle of the room and started checking out what was going on in the world of Twitter. The conference was based on using social media in fundraising so the Twitter check was appropriate.

I was the only attendee in the room, a room seated for 600+ folks.

Suddenly a woman says hello to me. I can't remember if she just joined me or if I invited her to join me. She commented on my bright pink laptop cover.

This is how I met my dear friend Sarah.

Friendships to me have always been hugely important. I don't mean folks I see once in a while or those I see at different activist events. Those folks are great. I am thinking of those friends who make up the human fabric of of your life. Those who touch your soul and add an immense amount of love to your life. I'm sure you can think of them right now.

Sarah became that for me. We are both in the non-profit world. We both were married to the loves of our lives. Lunch or coffee with Sarah always makes my day, sometimes my week.

Horrific tragedy struck Sarah this year. She will never be the same. I don't want to go into the tragedy but will say that as a friend and as someone who cares deeply for her all I could do was be there for her. I could love her, hold her, hug her, run errands for her, be loving to her family and other friends who were around. I couldn't take away the excruciating pain.

I still can't. I can still do everything else I just mentioned though.

I had to say "see you later" to Sarah last night. She had moved here from England and made the difficult decision to take her sons and move back. The other night we had an amazing talk and I left with my eyes filled with tears and feeling emotionally numb.

And filled with gratitude.

As a gay man, family was not always available to me. They are now, but the whole coming out process isn't easy for anyone. These days it's a bit easier but still causes havoc in family relationships. My friends become family. They know it. I talk about it a lot. Even with great relationships with most of my family these days, my friends are my rock. They are part of what makes my life so charmed.

So it's not easy saying goodbye to one. I know I'll see her again. We talked about me and Mike meeting her in Iceland!

Thank you my dear friends. I love you.

Thanks for reading. If you'd like to connect but don't want to leave a comment, my personal email is vegandude@msn.com.

This post originally appeared on Dan Hanley's website The Gay Vegans. Republished with permission.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Gay Vegans: I Am In Love With My Husband

By Dan Hanley

This seems like an intense statement. It's one I say almost every day, and as I posted on Facebook yesterday, my love for him is especially strong these days for whatever reason.

Mike and I met at our church about ten years ago. I had always thought he was handsome, and because he was partnered at the time I was very respectful of his relationship, only saying hi to them as a couple. Unfortunately, as in many relationships, gay and straight, Mike and his partner had become more like room mates than partners.


We had our first date, and our first kiss, on January 7th 2004.

The next month, as a gift to me for Valentine's Day, Mike became vegetarian while on a trip to New Mexico. That same trip, we found our dog Miguel on the side of the highway. I immediately stopped and went to try to catch him, and Mike was fully supportive. Through the mud and cold and snow I tried to catch Miguel. It took 45 minutes. He was only 8 weeks old. Mike was right there with me. I knew then that he was the one. (Miguel came home with us and is now 8 years old!)

A couple of months later, on his birthday, Mike went vegan. Not as a gift to me, but as a gift to himself and the animals.

In August I asked him to marry me. We went to a gay-friendly park (yes, it's unfortunate but true that we need to think about these things) and I got on a knee and proposed to him. I brought some vegan chocolate cake to sweeten the deal.

We got married on April 30, 2005. I call our wedding day the best day of my life. We were married in the same church where we met, surrounded by 160 friends and family. Since our marriage ceremony would not be legal, we called it a "loving act of civil disobedience". It was truly a beautiful ceremony, and the days surrounding our wedding were filled with the love and support of family and friends.

My beautiful husband.

Many times I tell folks that I have a charmed life. Indeed I do. And I try to act that way every day: grateful, loving, kind, happy. I have even had people tell me that there is no way I could be as happy as I seem. I think to myself, silly you, have you met my husband?

Our marriage is a real marriage. By that I mean that we don't always agree on everything and that every day is not always perfect. The really cool thing is that we know what to do when potentially negative things occur, and we both know to remember that we are incredibly in love with each other.

One day we, as a gay married couple, will have equal rights. Today we do not. Sure, we can have special paperwork and extra legal documents and extra agreements to ensure our relationship stands firm for always, yet none of that is equal to a heterosexual couple and their marriage benefits.

Marriage equality hurts no one. No one.

I know many of our readers are activists of some sort. I know most of you work to make this world a better place for all living beings. Please keep marriage equality in mind when you vote this November. Your vote could affect our marriage. Actually, it will affect our marriage regardless of who you vote for (or if you choose not to vote). It just depends on if it will support our marriage or work to attack our marriage.

Thank you so much for reading!

This post originally appeared on Dan Hanley's website The Gay Vegans. Republished with permission.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Fatherhood

By Todd Craig


Fatherhood.

That’s a pretty heavy word with powerful connotations at its every utterance.  When I was a socially awkward kid growing up, fatherhood meant finding a way to both meet my father’s expectations and balance them with the reality of being a very different person from most of those expectations, primarily with my being gay.

Let me be clear, however, that my father and I have a great relationship, one that’s evolved past my failed attempts at hitting a baseball, the arguments of adolescence, my inability to grasp algebra, and my predilection for kissing guys.

So how would I go about describing my father?  Well, he’s an amazing personality.  He was born and raised, like myself, in South Dakota.  He’s first and foremost an engineer; he’s even an engineer who’s the son of an engineer.  The math, science, logic, and schematics of the profession define his very essence and give a structure and stability to his soul that many long for.

But to say that his profession defines my father would be nothing less than a disservice.

My father is also intensely competitive, and that competitive nature belies a passion for life and winning -- especially winning.  He loves winning.  It’s crazy, but I’ve seen him will himself to victory in card games based on pure chance.  I’ve seen his balky putter roll a Titleist into the cup from forty feet away just to keep the upper hand in a match play contest at the golf course.  And as a child I lost probably fifty games of Chutes and Ladders and Uncle Wiggly at his hand before I earned my first, sweet victory.

So my father is an engineer and competitor, but still, those two labels fall short of defining him. My father inherited his thick, strong frame from my Irish grandmother.  He was an athlete from the get go, which helped him succeed in both social and academic endeavors as he grew up.  I’ve heard enough stories from his army buddies and college reunions to know that he was well-liked and popular throughout his life.  In fact, my father, for all of his freakish math and science understanding, is nothing like a character from The Big Bang Theory.  He’s an innately social creature, a people person capable of striking up a conversation with anyone about any topic. He loves sharing a cold beer with his golfing buddies and loves to “hold court” with anyone who will listen to his endless supply of stories and ribald humor.

True story about my father #1The first boy I ever brought home to meet my parents was the boy who ended up being my husband.  I was 32, and my husband-to-be was 20 at the time.  I was insanely worried about how they would react.  You see, my husband sashays into a room.  He rocks a Coach bag, pedicured toes, and enough attitude to beat the Queen of England into submission.   My parents gave him a fair chance though, and when my father saddled up to my husband and said, “We have a city councilman who just had that surgery to become a woman,” even as my eyes rolled, I knew that the conversation had begun, and that we’d all be all right as a family.

My father probably deserved a son carved from his mold.  He deserved a son who was athletic so that he could coach him about hitting a baseball and cheer him on as he broke tackles at the homecoming game.  He deserved a son for whom math and science came easily so that he could explain all of the ins and outs of engineering school.  He deserved a son who was as comfortable in social situations as he was so that he could take him out for a beer and introduce him to his friends at the golf course.

But instead, he got me. Where my father’s body was compact and athletic, my body looked like it was built for reading X-Men comic books.  And unlike my father’s natural ability to connect with anyone, this queer, bookish, liberal arts major certainly never held onto any amount of social swagger.  Growing up, I shared little in common with Dad. Where his world consisted of numbers and designs, mine filled with books and poetry.  Where he was social and outgoing, I was painfully shy and withdrawn.  Where he appreciated beautiful women, his son ended up gay.

Despite all of these hurdles to overcome, maybe it’s a testament to my father that he still tried.  He never gave up on me, and he found ways that we soon could bond.   He taught me how to swing a golf club, and even though I never demonstrated any athletic prowess, we watched countless hours of sports together.  Some, like my Denver Broncos, I grew to enjoy as passionately as he did.

True story about my father #2Shortly after the reception to our wedding began to wind down, the guests all gathered in our honeymoon suite to continue with the beverages and merriment.  There sat my father “holding court” again at the front of the table, regaling my Boulder lesbians about how even though the election had already been called for Kennedy how he went out and voted for Nixon anyway because he’d be goddamned if he ever voted for a Democrat.  It would have been awkward talking politics anywhere else, but not for my old man. He’s always stood for what he believed in.

Every spring, because of my father’s influence, I watch The Masters golf tournament.  And when they play clips of Jack Nicklaus’ final major victory from 1986 as they do every year, I remember watching it live with my dad who jumped out of his La-Z-Boy recliner when Nicklaus holed his putt at the par 3 17th to take command of the tournament at age 46.  It was a moment of greatness in the game of golf, but more importantly a moment of greatness for fathers and sons watching together everywhere as my dad and I were.  You see, Nicklaus has eschewed a professional caddie that day.  Instead his son, Jackie, carried his father’s clubs and walked side-by-side with his dad on that day of his greatest win ever.



 
Looking back, my father has instilled a number of qualities in me that I couldn’t shake even if I wanted to.  He taught me how to work hard.  He taught me how to enjoy sports, even though my aptitude for playing them never really existed.  He taught me the importance of family and friends.  He taught me that if you’re not ten minutes early, you’re fifteen minutes late.  He taught me to eat dinner at 5:00, feel free to be stubborn when you’re convinced that you’re right, and to keep cool under pressure.

True story about my father #3My father voted for Obama in the last election.  The Republican party, for whom my father so steadfastly supported all of his life, lost him with their arcane social policies, their backwards thinking on health care, and their lack of sane candidates.

Now all of the lessons passed my father to me are inherently priceless.  They formed me.  They continue to shape who I am as I’ve advanced throughout adulthood.  And five years ago, they became the foundation of something far more important.

You see, that’s when my husband and I became fathers with the adoption of our infant son, and when I was given the task of trying to be a dad to a little boy of my own.

And it has occurred to me on a near daily basis that I have a pretty huge legacy to live up to when it comes to being a dad.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Ask Eric Anything: Am I being U.S.E.D?

By Eric Kehela

Ask Eric Anything's Eric Kehela enjoys being a full time life enthusiast with a zest for the finer things in life which include positive thinking and manifesting a wonderful day each day; he is multilingual and holds a BA in Speech Communications from San Francisco State University and is pursuing an MS in Professional Counseling

With a passion for writing and performing, Eric uses his honed skills and intuition to guide, communicate and connect with the people around him. 

The best advice he can give is, “Grow from light and always find truth within you. Reach for the galaxies, shoot beyond the stars and always aim with your heart.” 


Dear Advice Columnist,

The guy I have been seeing for the last two years is also seeing someone else. He seems to have equal affection for both of us, and divides his time between us. We both know about each other, but we don't know each other well and we rarely run into each other.

My problem is that I don't feel as if he's being honest with either one of us, and I feel as if I'm waiting for something that will probably never happen. I really would like a monogamous relationship with him – I would like to be "boyfriends." But the whole situation is very confusing.

He has not made a commitment to me, and as far as I know, he has not made a commitment to this other guy, either, but his actions and his words don't mesh. He thinks he's being honest by saying that he doesn't want a commitment right now, but every time I try to move away from him – to let him go and get on with my life, to find other dates, to become interested in someone else – he shows up, wanting to spend time with me, have sex, spend the night, and say and do romantic things that lead me to believe that he has a serious interest in me.

However, when I try to go with what appears to be his interest, then he's off with this other guy and says, "I've been honest with you. I've told you that I don't want a commitment." From what I can gather, he's doing the same thing with this other guy.

We both want to be his "boyfriend," as far as I can tell. I feel as if he's playing both of us, but I can't seem to let go – especially when the sex and romance increase as I try to back off from it all. What should I do?

Signed,

Unsure, but Susceptible to Egregious Duplicity



Dear U.S.E.D.,

Open relationships can be quite tedious. You need to ask yourself, “Is he good for me?” It appears as though you want to settle down while he wants to play well with others (you should also take into consideration whether his extracurricular activities are putting you at risk). 

The best thing you can do is what you did previously. Step away. But this time, don't go back. To be in a relationship, both parties must be of stable mind, body, and spirit - without this kind of imbalance. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them, if not moreso. 

You are no one’s puppet or toy. You deserve respect and the right kind of attention. With all respect, since you know he’s doing this to the other guy, you need to let him go. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in his illusion. If you want a man that can commit, you will have one. You must let go of what no longer serves you. If it helps, when you think of him, repeat this mantra in your mind, “I bless you, I honor you and I release you.” In essence you are blessing him for being a part of the world, you are honoring him as a person and a soul, and you are releasing him from your psyche. Repeat this mantra as many times as you need to until you finally feel it and mean it. You need to move on so you can welcome new love into your life. And you need to avoid being caught up in these kinds of relationships in the future. They may be “fun” but the price you pay isn’t worth the years they have cost you. 

Don’t you want to feel whole and satisfied in the relationship? All you need to do is look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself that you deserve more. You deserve to be loved, wanted the way you love so passionately and wholeheartedly. Ask yourself, “Don't I deserve better?” 

You know deep within yourself what it takes to make your heart truly sing. If this guy isn’t making-the cut, I say vote him off the island! My mom always says, “Why take the taxi when you can take the jet?!” Think about it and know your inner truth. Involve yourself with he who has no hidden agenda. And since you asked, I’m telling you that you should be enough for him or anyone lucky enough to have you in his life. Do not compromise who you are or what you want. Remember, no one can use you without your permission. Keep your heart open as you start anew. Be in joy and be in love always. Your twin-flame awaits your call. 

Be strong, think positive and know that you have all the tools you need to overcome this. I support you!

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree  in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Nice to See StevieB: Corvette Gets Married

By StevieB

You get to a point in your life where have seen your high school friends get married, have families, and pretty much just grow up.
I understand that my situation was atypical for my generation, openly dating my first boyfriend during my senior year of high school after dating other boy in school.  Today it seems that it is just part of everyday high school life. Your first love, however is universal. The person you waited for after class, eating in the lunchroom together, making out in the student parking lot before school.  The horribly written love poems where I tried to compare his beauty to Pete Burns. You never forget your first love. But, you graduate, grow up, and somehow stop writing horribly written love poems.
I believe it would be cathartic for anyone to watch a high school sweetheart get married. To see them amazingly happy on the day designed to celebrate finding the love they sought. Your high school love is the person who first broke your heart, or you theirs,  yet taught you that broken hearts helped you grow up into who you are now.
I believe it a little strange; however, when your high school sweetheart’s marriage ceremony shows ups on the gay society column of Towelroad.com, a premier gay news blog.
View the link and video here:
And before you ask … yes, his name is Corvette. In the video he was in the blue tux … and … the red dress.
Yes. It is cathartic to watch your high school sweet heart get married. It reminds me of the kid I was in high school. The type of unguarded and immature love we have in our high school years. Maybe I should go write some horrible love poems. 

This post originally appeared on Steven Bennet's website Nice to See StevieB. Republished with permission. 

Friday, January 20, 2012

Ask Eric Anything: Help! I've fallen into a rut and I can't get out.

Dear Eric,
 

Every year I make the same resolutions and every year I make no progress. Literally, ever year for the past six years I have wanted to 1. Go back to school 2. Manage my finances better 3. Lose 20 pounds 4. Get into a LTR. I have tried many different methods of accomplishing these goals but with no luck. My question is, should I continue to look for alternative methods to accomplish these goals or should I take the hint and look for new goals. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely, 

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

First of all, you need to examine the way you are doing things, and figure out what works best for you. Remember, you are in charge of your own happiness. This year offers a new opportunity for you to release the past six-years. Reinvent your own ideology, if you will, and take on the reality of your choosing. Remember, thought creates.

Resolutions are a great way of keeping track of your short and long-term goals but don’t lose track of the bigger picture –your happiness. Pace yourself and work at your own speed. Online classes are a good way of continuing your education without imposing as much on your lifestyle and finances, in essence you can go back to school from the comfort of your own bed or local coffee shop. If you are pursuing an undergraduate degree, there are many colleges offering grants and scholarships (fastweb.com) for whatever your educational endeavors may be.

Managing your finances shouldn’t be a problem as long as you honor yourself; don’t over-spend and lead a lifestyle in which you spend more than you have. Enjoy meals at home and, instead, of going out with friends, host a potluck dinner party – they’re always a smash! If you enjoy the public-social-scene-atmosphere, you can find many budget-friendly alternatives to satisfy your needs. Above all, do not squander your money, respect it and it will respect you; be wise and responsible in your choices and you will succeed in all you do.

Regarding your desire to lose twenty-pounds, you MUST be mindful of what you eat. What are your eating habits? Try keeping a daily log of what you consume and see what you can do differently. You can also read 'The Abs Diet' by David Zinczenko, this book offers work-out exercises and outlines the importance of nourishment and exercise. Avoid fast-foods, greasy foods such as bacon, sausage, lard or anything processed; eliminate sodas (look up on YouTube what it does to your system and educate yourself in your own best interests). Read your labels and ingredients. Do not sabotage yourself for an easy and quick indulgence. Microwaves may be fast and convenient but they do more harm than benefit. Cook for yourself as you would your partner.

If you cannot honor yourself, you are not able to fully give and honor someone else, as cliché as it is, know the truth in these words.

Make sure you are also in a stress-free and positive environment. If you truly release yourself from what is really holding you back (emotionally or psychologically), you will easily lose the extra weight that you want to release. Be a better you for you and no one else but you, however, keep in mind those around you and do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In order to have a long term relationship that lasts, you must know that it takes two to fully burn bright. Know that having a relationship is an addition to your reality and not a rescue mission. There is nothing wrong with finally wanting to settle down and be in a relationship, but you must make sure you have your own stability before you can expect someone to take any form of relationship seriously. When your heart speaks, listen to it and it will guide you to your twin-flame. Think of it this way: you already are in a relationship, he’s just on vacation waiting for you to get ready and join him. Love yourself as you would him and you will meet him faster than you know. Remember to honor yourself throughout the courting process and the one you are meant to be with will be a reflection of you.

There’s a quote from 'Sex and the City' I would like to share with you. If you allow it to resonate within you, I find it can be most helpful:

“There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

In essence, if the old routines were not working for you, try doing something new and effective that you will enjoy more than you previously did. I wish you the best of luck and I am cheering for you. Just remember to think with your heart before you start.

Eric Kehela has worked as a life-coach and therapist and is currently pursuing a Master's degree in Professional Counseling. His goal is to make a difference and help others along the way.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Too old for love?

Ever thought you were too old to find love?

Check out the latest edition of Ask The Expert on www.365Gay.com to see what relationship expert and author Joe Kort has to say about love and aging in the gay community.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Love me, love my dogs


You heard it, guys: Love me, love my dogs.

And here's some advice about getting in good with your new guy's pet, so you don't get growled off the bed and chased out of the house.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Sex Fest for World Peace Canceled


It's always such a pity when a Sex Fest is canceled.

At least it was going to be inclusive.

Although, how a sex fest was supposed to bring about world peace is a little beyond me.

I guess they think if you're having sex, you aren't fighting.

They obviously aren't familiar with my last relationship.