BACKYARD TRAGEDY (narrowly averted)

So I was just out in the backyard peeing (does that sound inelegant of me?) when a wasp flew over and came within an inch of landing on my John Thomas. My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Squirrel eating a tortilla

This just in: Squirrel-on-squirrel violence at an all-time high in my backyard

I just saw a squirrel jump six feet, from fencepost to fencepost, to attack another squirrel. They both plummeted to the ground and then continued their epic battle back behind the garage. It was like something out of 'Wanted'.