A reader writes: “How can a mother be sure her 23-year-old is transgender and not gender variant?
“I raised a daughter who was outgoing, confident, lots of friends, intelligent, accomplished, and seemingly happy. No complaints about being female, no engaging in ‘male’ activities – no signs other than some androgynous dress in high school.
“Then she goes to college. After one year I noticed she was moody and questioned her – she admitted finally that she thought she was male and didn’t want to talk about it. Stunning, but I tried to be supportive, the college was helpful, he’s had plenty of friends, and family members have been neutral to supportive. My son and I have always been, and remain close. I love him dearly.
“For three years I have had to initiate nearly every conversation about this, but Ben has always been very defensive about the topic of being transgender. A year ago (in spite of being in a supportive environment), he needed treatment due to feeling suicidal and homicidal. This concerned me greatly, and I wanted Ben to make sure he didn’t have psychological problems that needed resolution before starting T (depression and other mental illness runs in the family).
“Ben now says all is well and he has just started T. I realize he’s an adult, and it’s his life to live, but as his mother I’m concerned. For all I know, he didn’t tell his new therapist all that happened a year ago.
“He is still so feminine (in dress, mannerisms, interests, activities, etc), and he talks about being ‘queer’ and about gender-bender events he goes to, and he’s going through an exhibitionist stage where I find ‘steamy’ photos online of him posing in a combo of male and female items. He says he wants to start T to get a deeper voice and to pass as male, but then he runs around in heels and feminine attire, which is confusing to me.
“I know every transgender person has their own story, but this doesn’t even seem close to typical. Ben seems gender variant to me, or maybe rebellious to an extreme. It’s hard to get him to define things, since he gets defensive and doesn’t want to talk, and if I ask too many questions he says it ‘invalidates’ him.
“I’m not going to reject him either way, but I remember being confused and headstrong at 23, and worry that he could be making a mistake. Should I just sit by and let things play out, even though the results could be terrible?”
The answer to your first question – the first sentence in your letter – is that there is really no way for you to accurately tell, because both “gender variant” and “transgender” are socially created terms that have no medical or psychiatric backing, in the sense that there is no diagnosis or agreed-upon professional definition for either one of these terms, that I am aware of.
Although “transgender” was never in the DSM (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders), it is a term that has been used by many people who have a diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder (now Gender Dysphoria). But it is also used by those who have no diagnosis, and the term itself does not necessarily reflect any kind of medical or mental health condition (it used to more so in “my day,” when it was most often used specifically to describe a person whose gender identity did not match his or her physical body).
There are people who identify as transgender who take hormones, and there are those who do not. There are also people who identify as gender variant who take hormones, and there are those who do not. These terms, and others like them, have evolved into personal identifications that often have little or no common thread, so two people who identify as transgender might mean entirely different things when using that term.
That was the long answer. The short answer is that there is no way to know, because your son will call himself what he wants to, and that will mean something specific to him.
The answer to your second question – the last sentence in your letter – is yes, you should just sit by and let things play out, even though the results could be terrible. This is not to say that you should turn your back on your son or withdraw your support. But he is an adult, and unless you have some kind of leverage over him, like paying his tuition, that you can use to get his attention, there’s not a whole lot that you can do (and I honestly wouldn’t advise using tuition or any other financial or non-financial assistance as leverage, anyway).
There is a possibility that he is transgender. There is a possibility that he is bigender. There is a possibility that he is genderqueer, although again, that is a socially created term that means different things to different people who adopt it. Regardless, he has to make his own decisions about what he wants to do.
You could contact his therapist if you are concerned that he hasn’t been giving her the full story. She will not talk to you about him, but you could let her know of your concerns. If he finds out you did this, it could cause him to push you farther away, but maybe it would make you feel better. My sister did this, and I was fine with it, but some people might not be.
It’s also reasonable to contact her for an appointment for yourself (if you are close enough to get there). This appointment could involve simply talking over your own concerns about how you should respond to a child who is going through this. Again, she won’t talk about your son, but you can. And maybe she can help you deal with the uncertainty of this situation.
It honestly irritates me a great deal when people have concerned parents or other loved ones who are willing to support them, and those people refuse to answer any questions or address any concerns, using the excuse that questions “invalidate” them or some such nonsense. If they don’t want to be invalidated, then they need to talk to loved ones about what’s going on with them.
I understand that it can be tiring, and I think that if loved ones are constantly questioning their decision, nagging and harping, or otherwise being generally annoying, people have a right to say, “Enough. I’ve answered your questions, and that’s the best I can do. Now I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
But I don’t think it’s asking too much when loved ones want some reassurance that their family member is okay and has a handle on what he/she/ze is doing. Everyone should be so “invalidated” as to have concerned and supportive loved ones. Many trans people are rejected outright by their family and friends, and they would give anything to have someone care enough to ask questions and be concerned.
Nevertheless, your son does not want to answer questions. My suggestion would be to write him a letter or e-mail outlining your concerns – primarily so you can get closure on this – and then let it go. Stop asking questions, stop spying on him on the Internet, and get on with your life.
If he’s making a mistake, I don’t think the consequences will be too terrible. But even if they are, he’s an adult, and he will then learn that actions have consequences, some good and some bad, and whatever they are, we deal with them. He will have to deal with any negative consequences that might come along, and you can be there to support him through that if it happens.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
