When I was five or six I wrote a letter to Santa declaring my love for him.
No, not that I would love it if he brought me toys. That I was desperately in love with him. Since he was the source of all things wonderful in my world I screamed like a Justin Bieber fan on Christmas morning when rushing out to the tree I found the love letter back from my idol.
“Santa” had received my letter and upon delivery of the big-wheel, wrote on the top of the box that he too was fond of me. My fay heart was reeling. It was akin to Zak Spears sending me a letter on scented stationary declaring that he wouldn’t know peace until I was his. But with a big-wheel.
Jebus I was a strange and effeminate little boy. But this may explain why I have a fondness of guys with beards.
When I was just out of high school I found another man that rocked my world in such a complete way as my big-wheel boyfriend. I declared my love for an amateur body builder named JT. Every glance was like Christmas morning. Every time he looked my way it was un-wrapping my big-wheel. But, like my favorite toy from my childhood the time with the body builder didn’t last long. Both were cheap plastic and within months broke. Leaving me broke along with the plastic.
Steve grows up into a well adjusted, contented guy. Who happens to wander around Facebook and stumbles upon his first love. No, Not Santa. The former amateur body builder.
It’s funny how what you yearn for, desire to have forever and ever is just temporary and you can look back grateful that what you wanted never came to be. If I could Say something to my 15 year old self it would be to live by the mantra: All things are in fact temporary.
I’m learning lately that happiness is not a state where you get rid or give up on your desires. Rather, you change your relationship with them. The ability to stay present and to remain open to emotions without getting "hooked" is something I’m learning and increasingly is carried over into my daily life.
All things are impermanent ...not quite the same thing as temporary, but similar. There is nothing wrong with thinking about the past or present or future ... but the goal is to not be hooked by thoughts, as well as to not be hooked by emotions.
