Colton Haynes says writing his new memoir "nearly killed me."
After an overdose and suicide attempt, recovering from alcoholism, addiction and an eating disorder, and then overcoming childhood sexual abuse, the 33-year-old Arrow and Teen Wolf actor has earned the right to speak about facing death.
But these days, Haynes is more about facing the truth — his own — as he tells PEOPLE exclusively in this week's issue: "I know today I'm only as sick as my secrets."
With the publication of Miss Memory Lane, he doesn't have any left.
"I needed to rid myself of the things I've held onto for so long," he acknowledges.
Raised in poverty outside Wichita, Kansas, by a single mom with substance abuse issues, a combustible father who would return now and then, and alongside an athletic older brother with whom he'd fight over food stamps, Haynes had dreams of being the male Kate Moss.
"Delusion was my first drug," he says.
In high school, he attended class during the day and at night danced as a go-go boy at a gay bar (a job secured with a fake ID).
"Once I knew something was going to get me the attention that I wanted, there was nothing holding me back from using my body, or doing whatever I could to help me get that love I needed," he says.
