By Drew Wilson
Judy Tenuta became famous in the 1980s as the accordian-playing Love Goddess of the groundbreaking 'Women of the Night' comedy special that also launched the careers of Ellen Degeneres, Paula Poundstone, and Rita Rudner. She was the first comedian to be named ‘Best Female Comedian’ at the American Comedy Awards and has been nominated for two Grammy Awards for her CDs 'Attention Butt Pirates and Lesbertarians' and 'In Goddess We Trust'. I was lucky enough to get a chance to chat with her recently about her upcoming appearance at Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret, her thoughts on Ellen Degeneres and Kanye West, drug addiction, five-finger discounts up the royal rump, and much, much more.
Drew: Hello, Judy! I'm starstruck, I have to say. I remember seeing you in 'Women of the Night' years ago and I just thought you were the most hilarious and bizarre thing I'd ever seen.
Judy: Ooooh, thank you, honey, thank you! And don't forget unique and adorable! That was so fun. I think that was the first national exposure for all of us. It was such a big deal.
How could I forget unique and adorable? But give me the dirt. Was anybody a bitch? Was anybody a diva?
No, no dirt at all! If anything everybody was just a little bit nervous. Ellen was very friendly.
A little too friendly, perhaps?
Well, she did say she thought I was cute. I think she was angling for a three-way with me and her girlfriend at the time. No. She was very fun and friendly. Paula was great. Rita was more reserved but still nice.
Read the full interview after the jump.
Rita was my least favorite but I'm sure all the middle-aged suburban housewives loved her.
Middle-aged suburban housewives love Rita Rudner and knitting.
What do you think about Ellen nabbing that ‘American Idol’ gig?
That lucky bitch! But she already has a show. I should be the judge. I would be Judge Judy!
I’d love to see you do it.
Everybody in Hollywood wanted that job. Even Chloris 'The Clitoris' Leachman is upset! I do have to say though, and no offense, but I like it better with just three judges. With four judges there isn’t any time for Simon to insult everybody.
Plus, you’re a grammy-nominated recording artist, aren’t you?
I am! I have songs! Wait a minute. Where’s my squeezebox?
Are you serious? You do not have your accordian with you!Of course I do! As you must know, I am the quintessential squeezebox master. I just need to strap it on. Oh, my god, how many times do you think Ellen’s said that?
(Starts playing accordian and singing)
Oh, you’re getting kind of moody, it’s time to listen to me the goddess of love
Get up Scooby doo and party in your pants
Party in your pants
Never has there been such a sassy little dance
You can do it anywhere in any circumstance …
Take that, Kanye! Did you see him at the VMAs? Let The Goddess give him her reprimand. Hey Kanye, you didn’t have to prove you were classless because we already knew that. We get it. You’re a bitch!
It’s the same reason that I get pulled over by cops! The drug lord in the Corvette made of cocaine is driving along and then there’s me, The Love Goddess, driving along all alone at night in her Mercedes and I get pulled over for being a white chick on a Friday night. I know California is broke but how about picking on the drug lords? They’re the ones with the money. Don’t pick on The Goddess. And I was on my way to a charity event for the police! That’s why from now on The Goddess only does charity for gays, children, and firemen! Well, women too. You know how that breast cancer is. So this cop wanted to make his quota and I just wanted to tell him, “You think I won’t talk about this, bitch?” We’re gonna talk about it at Lannie’s and I want people to show up and bring offerings to The Goddess to make up for those awful LAPD bitches.
Here in Colorado we know how to treat a woman right.
It’s true. It's just because I’m an adorable woman. But they do the same thing to you cute little gay boys. And seriously, as he’s writing my ticket a Corvette made of cocaine goes right by. To be a cop in LA you’ve got to be lobotomized. No offense but they are pigs! Giant pigs!
So what do you do to keep busy when you’re not getting in trouble with the cops?
I stir up controversy and cause mayhem. I’m going to Pink’s concert on Friday at the Staples Center before I come to Denver and I’m thinking I’ll probably crash the stage.
Pink’s awesome. I think she’s the best and most underrated singer out there.
She is! And she sings about everything! She sings about addiction and being a bitch. I can relate to that. I haven’t been addicted to drugs but I have been addicted to people.
No way! How could you have done comedy in the '80s and not been addicted to drugs?
Can you believe that? What was my major malfunction? You thought it was a prerequisite, right? I think it’s the reason I never got my own TV show. I’m considering taking up drugs now, actually. So I can be on ‘The Biggest Druggie’.
The show about competitive drug taking!
Yeah, talk about the last comic standing! How long can one of those bitches stay on stage after they crack themselves out? That’s really why they call it that!
So you’re coming to Lannie’s Clocktower Cabaret this weekend. Are you excited?
Oooh, I’m very excited to come to Colorado and be a cowgirl! I’m gonna find me a bucking bronc of a man to ride. Not just one, a couple of ‘em. The Love Goddess deserves at least three troglodytes, three burritos of manhood from the lovely Denver, Colorado area.
Have you been to the lovely Denver, Colorado area before?
Many times! I love it there and it’s the home of Coors. Am I right?
Gold star for you! So you’re a Silver Bullet gal?Oh yeah, nothing I like better than cracking open a six-pack and chugging a few brews. It could happen! I actually go to AA meetings not because I’m an alcoholic but to meet producers. So tell me, are there going to be a lot of cowboys in the audience do you think?
Is that what you want?
Hell, no! I want my gay boys.
Never you fear, it’s gonna be a packed house of gay boys.
Good! I really want them there. But do you know who has been stepping up to the plate of Judyism lately? The lesbertarians! It’s just really been in the last two years and I don’t know what’s going on but they are loving me lately! Do you think it’s because I’m so outspoken and cute?
That might have something to do with it! So are you strictly dickly or are you willing to throw the gals a bone?
You know what? At this point my feeling is, if someone’s cute and hot, then I could possibly go for a lick out. What am I supposed to say, no? I’m a little shy and might need a few drinks first but who knows? I certainly would like to make out with a hot one but some of them don’t know they’re not cute. It’s always the butch Eddie Bauer ones that want to make me their bitch. If I ever need to move or join a softball team I’ll be happy to call one of them but for a lesbian lick out I’m gonna need a cute one.
So is there still a place for gay men in Judyism? Or are you abandoning them all that hot girl-on-girl action?
Oh my god, what are you talking about? I adore gay men! The gay men have helped me with my website, helped me with my hair, helped me with my fashion. What would I do without gay men? They give me advice on licking the lollipop the right way, the way guys like it. They give me the best sex secrets. Gay men tell me the biggest whores in the world are married men who can’t admit that they want to go gay and it's true. Believe me, I know what that’s like. I had an ex, don’t ask me to name names, but he couldn’t decide what team he wanted to be on and he wouldn’t admit it. I think he would be happier if he would just admit that he wanted a, uh, five-finger discount up the royal rump. I think he really did and he wouldn’t admit it.
A five-finger discount up the royal rump?
Yes! He used to wear my clothes and I’d tell him, “Hey I don’t mind that you try on my outfits, I just mind that you stretch’ em out, bitch! Get your own size!” He was like 6’1” and 190 and I’m 5’4 and a petite 118. Come on!
They’ve got stores for guys like that.
Yeah, it’s called Big and Cheap! But I love my gay guys and I always support gay causes. They’ve always been there for The Goddess. They say “Oh, Judy, thank you for standing up for us! Oh, Judy, thank you for all that you do!” And I just say, “You’re welcome.”
What message do you have for readers of MileHighGayGuy and all the gays here in the lovely Denver, Colorado area?
I can’t wait to see you and all the wonderful queens and lesbertarians and Judyists that come out to the show.
Don't miss The Love Goddess Judy Tenuta at Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret on Saturday, September 19 for one night only. Get your tickets here, and get 'em now.
