By Matt Kailey
A
reader writes: “One thing that’s been on my mind and has begun to gnaw
at me is the possibility of losing my visibility within the GLBTQ
community.
“Once I have my top surgery in a few
months, I’m scared that I’m going to be pegged as cis and straight. Is
this something you were nervous about with your transition, and if so,
how did you overcome it?”
I was not worried about this pre-transition for a couple of reasons: At the time, I wanted
people to see me as non-trans (not necessarily so anymore), and I knew
that no one would ever see me as straight (although, surprisingly, some
people do). I also came from the straight community, so I did not have
ties to the LGBTQ community prior to the realization that I was trans.
However, I think I have some sense of
the dilemma. If you have strong ties to this community, and have been
seen as queer, gay, or lesbian for some time, both inside and outside of
the community, you are faced with losing one piece of your identity
even as you gain the rest of it.
It’s similar to what happens to a
perceived lesbian couple when one member of that couple transitions.
Even if the guy is happy about being seen as a straight male by the
world, his partner is often unhappy about what she sees as losing her
lesbian identity when others both inside and outside the community treat
them as a straight couple. And they also risk losing their standing and
their friends within the lesbian community.
Based on your statement that chest
surgery will be what causes you to be seen as cis and straight, I’m
going to assume that you are a trans man. It sounds as if you are facing
the possible loss of friends and identity within the LGBTQ
community (for example, within a particular lesbian group that you might
have been attached to), and certainly you will be perceived differently
outside of the community. You may very well lose the queer part of your identity as far as the larger world is concerned.
I think there are a couple of things that you can do to counteract this loss of identity, at least for yourself.
Obviously, you are still in this
community, and this is where you want to be, so spend as much time as
possible doing things in the community – attending functions,
volunteering, and being an activist. In all these situations, you can
come out as trans if you want to – some LGBTQ people will assume that
you’re trans because you’re doing the work alongside of them, but other
people will assume that you are a gay man (which you may be – I’m not
sure). Regardless, when you’re doing work in the community, people will
see you as part of that community.
Outside of the community, you could do
advocacy work, such as speaking on college campuses and training
organizations on LGBTQ issues. It will allow you to benefit your
community by educating others, and to be seen outside of the community
as trans. You can also come out whenever it’s safe and appropriate, and
you can always speak out against transphobic or homophobic behavior and
comments, regardless of how you’re seen.
However, you may have to accept the fact
that, in casual conversation and passing situations, people you run
into outside of your community are going to see you as non-trans and
straight, while people within your community might see you as a
non-trans gay man.
I would tell you what I usually tell
lesbian women whose partner is transitioning and who are worried about
losing their lesbian identity in the world because of it: “The world may
see you as straight now, but you know who you are. Your internal identity is all that really matters, and you don’t have to lose that.”
Most people in the world are so wrapped
up in their own lives and their own problems that they don’t have a lot
of interest in processing other people’s identities, anyway. The only
people who seem to lead such uninteresting lives that they have time to
worry about who the rest of us are and what we’re doing are the members
of the religious right. So you may not lose too much with regard to your
identity in the localized community or in larger society.
The most important thing is what’s inside of you – that you know who you are. And it sounds as if you do
know and you’re taking steps to make your inner identity an outer
reality. Others’ perceptions of you may change, but they are only
perceptions. Your true identity lies within you.
Readers, what do you think?
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
