A reader writes: “I’m a 22-year-old FTM transgendered man and I’ve noticed over the last year that I don’t feel like much of a man anymore – not so much in the way that I regret transitioning or doubt my gender identity as a man, but instead it’s more like how I hear many older men describe their midlife crisis. What do you do when you lose touch with your inner masculinity? And how do you get it back?”
One of the things that I have found with both trans men and trans women who have medically and/or socially transitioned – but certainly not with all of us – is that, when we first transition, we tend to express what might be considered to be hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine behaviors for our culture.
Then, after we get used to living in the gender of our identity, these outer behaviors and expressions sometimes (but not always) become more relaxed and we tend to move back toward a “middle” or “center” point. I think it might be the same for inner feelings of traditional masculinity or femininity.
In Western culture, we have very specific definitions of what it means to be a man or a woman and what it means to be masculine or feminine. We also have strong cultural myths built around what those things feel like or are supposed to feel like.
If you ask a non-trans man what makes him a man or what makes him “masculine,” in many cases, he will say, “My penis.” That is a physical trait, not a feeling. Other men, particularly older men, might say, “I take care of my family,” or “I solve problems,” or “I run things,” or “I’m in charge.” Those are actions, not feelings.
So the “feelings” of masculinity are often described in terms of physical characteristics identified by the culture or of actions prescribed by the culture. I would venture to guess that the “feelings” of masculinity are just as elusive in some non-trans men as they can be in some trans men.
A “mid-life crisis” tends to come at a time when men are losing their physical stamina, including the ability to achieve and maintain an erection, and their social status, as those men who have identified themselves primarily by their career or occupation see younger, more energetic men moving in to take their place. But all of it is culturally defined.
Personally, I don’t think you should worry too much about losing touch with your masculinity. I think it will come and go, like it does with any guy. Some days (or even some years) you will feel more traditionally masculine, or more masculine by your own definition, and other days (or years) you will not. Sometimes you will notice it more, and other times you won’t think much about it.
Identity, including feelings of masculinity and/or femininity, also tends to shift over time. These shifts can happen based on personal experiences, relationships, and other things going on in your life. But I think it’s kind of like insomnia – the more stressed out you are about not being able to sleep, the less chance you will have of sleeping. And the more you concentrate on not feeling like a man or masculine, the more prominent those feelings will become.
If this is really a problem for you, though, think about what has historically made you feel like a man. Besides your innate gender identity, have there been certain clothes, behaviors, mannerisms, activities, or responses from others that have reinforced your feelings of masculinity? If so, try to move toward those things in your life. When do you feel most like a man? Try to identify what contributes to that feeling and then try to incorporate that into your life with frequency.
But don’t beat yourself up, because, as I said before, this will possibly come and go throughout your life, as I think it does with most men. And think about what my therapist once told me: “The kind of man you are is the kind of man you are.”
You don’t have to meet some culturally defined stereotype of masculinity. You are masculine simply by virtue of your being a man. So maybe the feelings you have right now are your feelings of masculinity or of being a man. Maybe they just don’t match what you think the cultural definitions are.
So try to relax and be yourself – you might eventually find that “yourself” is manly or masculine enough.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
