A reader writes: “I’m dating a trans man now and it’s been amazing. I’m still slightly confused as I have always considered myself as a straight female and have always seen him as male, but at the same time I’ve accepted that for the moment he is still female and am willing to do stuff with him (obviously, haha).
“I know labels are not the best way to go about things, but I’m not sure of how else I can understand what I am feeling? I hope this doesn’t come across as naive or stupid. I’m just a little bit confused.”
It’s not uncommon for those who are dating trans people to become confused about their own sexual orientation. For you, it seems pretty straight-forward – you’re a straight woman dating a trans guy, so you’re a straight woman … because he’s a guy.
I would argue that he is not “still female.” I think what you mean is that he has not had any type of genital surgery. Maybe you even mean that he is not taking hormones. But if he’s living as a man, then he’s not female. And if you see him as male, then he’s not female to you, either.
Just because he has a different body type from what you might be used to doesn’t negate any of that. If you’ve been with several men in your life, you know that their body types vary widely, even though they all might have come closer to the particular prototype or representation that we have of a “standard” male body than your current lover’s body does. No matter. He’s a man, you’re a woman, and the label for that type of relationship in Western culture is “straight.”
Now, you don’t have to call yourself straight if you don’t want to. You can always change labels to suit you. But I would argue that you have not changed sexual orientations. You are attracted to men and you’re dating a man.
So I would say that not a lot has changed for you. I don’t think you should worry about it, really. When you engage in sexual activity, it might be slightly different at first from what you are used to (or it might not be), but just keep the lines of communication open, and you’ll be fine.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
