A reader writes: “How could one change the current climate for gay trans men in the gay male community?”
My answer: One mind at a time.
This is a continuation of last week’s Ask Matt Monday, which dealt with trans men and lesbian communities. And this is a tough one, because I think there is a different dynamic in gay male communities.
When I first started my transition, I identified as a gay man, which did not go over well with one population – gay men. The gay men who heard me speak complained that I was appropriating their identity, that I didn’t share the “gay male experience” that had shaped the lives of gay men, and that I couldn’t compare my experience to theirs.
Being opinionated, impetuous, and newly testosterone-fueled, I was slow to catch on. But I eventually realized that they were right – at least in my case. I do know some gay trans men who have been gay men since they were old enough to formulate an identity, regardless of their body configuration, but the neighborhood Barbra Streisand fan club that I started at eleven and my childhood obsession with The Wizard of Oz really don’t qualify me.
I have found that, in many non-trans gay male communities, there seems to be a sense of invasion when it comes to gay trans men, as well as a sense of “trickery.” I have also found that the older the men are, the stronger these feelings are – but this is a generalization, of course, and it is not always true. There also seems to be less a sense of this in activist communities that have united around T inclusion in LGBT causes.
But again, as with lesbian communities, I have not found non-trans gay communities as a whole to be any more knowledgeable about trans issues than straight communities are. And, at least in Colorado, many of the non-trans gay activists who have attempted to include gay trans men in their programs for gay men have run up against road blocks from other gay men.
Of course, my answer to almost everything is to be out if possible, and this situation is no different. I think that the more non-trans gay men have a chance to see who we are and to know us on a personal level, the less they will feel “tricked” or “deceived.”
One of my best friends is a non-trans gay man. One or two of his friends have rejected me. They are no longer his friends. A couple of his friends have stated that they would have never considered dating a trans man until they met me (not because they want to date me in particular, but because they have realized, through meeting me, that trans guys are pretty much like every other guy). The rest of his friends have just taken me in stride. They just don’t care one way or the other.
I have many other non-trans gay friends and acquaintances. I think dating, sex, and relationships are a different matter, but there are many gay trans guys who are in relationships with non-trans gay guys, and even more who are sexually active with non-trans gay guys.
I think it just takes time. Because of our “invisibility,” primarily due to the effects of testosterone, non-trans gay men are often not aware that we are among ‘em or that they even know any trans men. Once they realize that they do know us, and once they start to form friendships or other relationships with us, I think attitudes will change.
I also think that we can’t position ourselves as outsiders with our noses pressed up against the window of an established community hoping to be “let in.” Our goal should be to integrate the communities, not ask for membership. We have as much to offer as anyone else, and both trans and non-trans gay guys can benefit by the association.
Thoughts?
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
