Here, we have two coming-out posts reflecting very different situations. As always, I encourage readers to chime in. Here goes:
A reader writes: “I identify as a genderfluid/ genderqueer FTM transsexual who presents and lives publicly as male. I’ve been in a relationship with a cissexual, genderqueer person who presents and lives publicly as female for about a year and a half.
“She recently came out to her parents as queer. I’ve been out to my family as queer and trans for years, but I’m not out to her family (and most people in general). It simply doesn’t come up/isn’t any of their business, combined with an intense fear I have of people knowing I’m trans, in part due to an experience of coming out to someone I thought I could trust and his reaction being to rape me to try to prove to me that I’m female. I don’t trust many people with this information.
“My partner and I just got engaged, and everyone is happy for us and all is well and dandy. My concern is that folks in my family (who all know my gender history) will tell other people at the wedding, perhaps even tell everyone at once during a toast. I can’t really imagine a worse way for me to come out to her family.
“The options I see are (1) tell her family ahead of time, (2) keep our families apart/elope, and (3) ask folks in my family not to out me and just hope they are able to do it. Do you see any options I’m missing? I’m just so uncomfortable with all of these options. I imagine this information will eventually make the rounds, but I’d feel much more comfortable if it came up naturally and not as a big announcement.”
That’s a tough one. But there’s one thing missing from all these options, and that is – what does your fiancée think? It’s not her decision when and how you come out, but I think under these circumstances, it’s definitely something that the two of you should discuss together (with you getting the final say if the two of you disagree).
My personal opinion is that you should tell her family ahead of time, and here’s why: The two families will probably have many interactions over the years, even if you elope. Expecting every member of your family to honor an agreement not to out you over the next fifty years might be more than you can reasonably count on.
Just expecting no one to slip up at the wedding might be too much. Even with the best of intentions, someone can easily make a mistake, and there could be one family member who thinks this bit of information might be too juicy to withhold – especially after a few champagne toasts.
Should you be able to count on your family to respect your wishes and not out you? Yes. Can you? Probably not, and that doesn’t mean that your family is horrible or doesn’t respect you or anything other negative thing. It just means that people slip up, people make mistakes, people aren’t perfect. And even if every member of your family takes this information to the grave with them, that doesn’t mean that your in-laws will never find out.
There are people who will disagree with me, and I hope that we will hear from them in the Comments section. But I think that just getting it over with and moving on is the best course of action.
You say that you would like it to come up naturally and not as a big announcement, and at this point, you have control over that. Once Uncle Ralph gets drunk and proposes a toast at the wedding, you no longer have control. So use the control that you do have now to let it come up naturally and matter-of-factly, so that by the time the wedding takes place, it will be old news.
A reader writes: “I’m a first-year student at a liberal arts college. Most of my friends know I’m a transman, but the school at large does not. I met a woman about a month ago who is also a student here. I really like her and want to date her. I think she might be interested in me, too, but that might just be wishful thinking.
“My problem is that I don’t know when to disclose to her. I don’t know if I should tell her soon to get it out of the way or to hold off to get to know each other better and not scare her off.”
Regular readers know that I am big on coming out as soon as possible. In my opinion, it saves a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings on both sides (and sometimes it’s a safety issue, but I would say that it probably isn’t in this case).
However, I don’t think that a person needs to come out to every casual coffee or movie date. In this situation, I would recommend asking the woman out – for coffee, a movie, dinner, or whatever. See how the first date goes. If it doesn’t go well, or it appears that one or both of you is not all that interested, no harm done. You say goodnight and part ways.
But what if you both have a great time? I don’t know what you should do, but I’m going to tell you what I would do. If I had a fantastic time, and the person I was with had a fantastic time, and if it was obvious that there was an intense mutual attraction, I would say (at the end of the date), “I had a really great time. I find you very attractive. I would love to see you again. There’s also something I would like you to know about me.” And then I would come out to that person and let the chips fall where they may.
If I wasn’t sure after the first date, or didn’t think the other person was sure, I would ask that person out again without coming out. If we had a fabulous time and the sparks flew, then I would come out as above. If it just wasn’t right, we move on and no harm done.
The reason I would do this is because I don’t want to waste my time and energy, or the other person’s time and energy, if my being trans is a deal-breaker. Both of us could move on to other people and save time and heartache.
But there are downsides to this. One downside is that she doesn’t get to know you very well first, which could make a difference with regard to how she accepts or embraces your trans status. The other downside is that she could decide to spread this information around – particularly if she chooses not to date you because she finds it shocking, gross, or gossip-worthy. You have no control over this.
Even if she does decide to date you, this could happen at some point in the future if you break up. She also might be the non-gossipy type who respects the privacy of her suitors, her dates, and her exes. There’s really no way to know. But I always figure that once you’re out to someone, you might as well assume that you will eventually be out to everyone, and that at that point, it’s not always your choice or under your control.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
