A reader writes: “I am an FAAB (female-assigned at birth) genderqueer individual who is also gay. I never pretend to understand being trans, transitioning, and all of those experiences that I will never have.
“However, I got a kick in the gut tonight from very good friends (four lesbians, one gay guy) who completely slammed the whole trans umbrella.
“They essentially said that they do not believe that trans women belong in spaces such as the women’s group at the LGBT center, and same for trans men with the men’s group. I asked where I fit, and they were like, ‘You have a vagina, don’t you? With the women, duh.’ I felt like my entire identity was invalidated in that moment by the last people who should be doing that.
“But then they made what some would consider a valid point: trans women grew up with male privilege, and that is something cis women have never had. Trans women wouldn’t know anything about menstruation and other issues that happen in that department that cis women want to discuss.
“It went on and on in that vein, with the main point being that the experience of the cis woman versus the trans woman is very different. Just as someone who isn’t transitioning wouldn’t go to a group for transitioning trans people, why should trans women go to a group for women of cisgender experience?
“Now, I am still stinging from the invalidation of my gender identity in the course of this conversation, and perhaps you can help me here. Am I overreacting? I know they are my friends and they never meant to make me feel that way. Are they entitled to this opinion that since I have a vagina and was born with one I should box myself into the women’s group and that trans women don’t belong there? Are they wrong for saying this? Am I wrong for being pissed?”
My short answer to the questions you ask in your last paragraph are: probably not, yes, no, and no. Here are my long answers (after the jump):
> You are probably not overreacting, because your gender identity was indeed invalidated by people who you consider to be your friends and who probably consider you a friend. But true friends recognize their friends’ identities and don’t gang up to exterminate those identities.
The reality is that most gay men and lesbians understand about as much about trans issues (and probably about as much about genderqueer issues) as non-trans, straight people (and those with a binary gender identity) do. Your friends probably don’t even realize that they hurt you, misgendered you, and pretty much discounted and/or trivialized your entire sense of yourself.
What this demonstrates is not necessarily that your friends don’t care about you. What it demonstrates is that they can’t wrap their heads around who you are. They don’t understand your identity, they can’t relate to it, and they might not be all that interested in trying – or they might be.
I would suggest that you have a discussion with them and let them know exactly how you feel. If they are friends at all, they will probably be surprised and upset, because they honestly didn’t know. You don’t have to be angry, whiny, offended, defensive, or offensive (meaning “on the offense” in this context) when you discuss this. It sounds as if you all have quite a few discussions about various topics, and this should be just another one of those discussions.
Now, if they don’t want to listen, or they belittle you or dismiss your concerns, then you will probably have to reconsider these friendships (remember, it’s the person who is the target of, or offended by, a remark who gets to define whether or not that remark is offensive, not the person who made the remark).
But if they are truly concerned and want to discuss this and make it right, then my suggestion is to allow that to happen, even if it means you having to do a little genderqueer 101. I know how tiring this can be, but ask yourself if it’s worth it to preserve the friendships – if it is, then go for it.
> Yes, they are entitled to their opinion, regardless of how misguided, ill-informed, or damaging it is.
> No, it is not “wrong” of them to have this opinion, because opinions are not “right” or “wrong,” they are opinions – individual and personal thoughts. However, some opinions are based on faulty information or faulty logic, making the underlying basis for the opinion wrong.
For example, I lived forty-two years of my life as a non-trans girl/woman, and I participated in a lot of conversations with other non-trans women. Rarely, if ever, did we sit around talking about our periods. In addition, many non-trans women do not menstruate, for one reason or another. So those women also could not relate to this topic. Are these women to be excluded from a women’s group as well, because the topic of menstruation might come up?
In fact, the idea that there is one particular shared experience between all non-trans women that no one else has or should be a party to in a discussion is faulty. The same thing is true of non-trans men.
And while it’s true that some trans women experienced male privilege at some point in their life, while no non-trans women did, many trans women have not experienced that to any great extent, because they were bullied, ridiculed, and rejected for being “different.” They have also lost any male privilege they might have had when they transitioned. And they have not only lost that privilege, but they have, in many cases, become even less privileged than some non-trans women, because now they are seen by society as trans, which is not a privileged position.
Also, there are many different kinds of privilege, including economic privilege, social privilege, racial privilege, ability privilege, intellectual privilege, sexuality privilege, and many more. Even in a group of non-trans women, these privileges will show themselves.
So there will be varying degrees of privilege within any group. No group will be completely homogenous with regard to privilege. A better policy than exclusion might be a “check your privilege” policy, where different types of privilege are identified and discussed openly when they materialize, thus benefiting everyone, including the person who has demonstrated the privilege.
In addition, in my opinion, the concept of people with vaginas in one group and people with penises in another is also based on faulty logic. For one, who is going to do the underwear check at the door? For another, what counts as a vagina and what counts as a penis? What counts as a woman’s body and what counts as a man’s body? And who gets to make that call? With the diverse array of bodies out there, it could be an extremely difficult task to have, and I wouldn’t want that assignment.
So while I believe that opinions themselves are not right or wrong, I believe that the concepts they are based upon can be right or wrong. And while I would say that your friends are not “wrong” for their opinions, I would say that their opinions are based on wrong information. And I would suggest that, as people who are involved in an organization that labels itself LGBT, they need to examine these opinions and the underlying faulty assumptions that contribute to them.
> No, you’re not wrong for being pissed, because feelings are never wrong – they are what they are. They are how a person feels in response to something. But I do think that you should talk to your friends, because if these are valuable friendships in your life, they should not go untended. If you let this fester, you will eventually come to resent your friends, and they won’t know why.
Again, it does not have to be a hostile discussion. Like any other conversation you have with them, it can be a discussion among friends, and hopefully, you will all come out ahead.
What do readers think?
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
