By Matt Kailey
(an excerpt from his book Teenie Weenies and Other Short Subjects)
One of the benefits of working at a gay newspaper is that you get to surf very unusual Web sites in search of stories about porn stars or celebrities, so I wasn’t really surprised when I looked across the room and saw my coworker watching an online video that appeared to be a parade of naked trans men who had not had genital surgery.
Of course, this necessitated abandoning my own story and getting up to see what was going on. And as I got closer, I saw who these guys actually were – contestants in a Howard Stern contest for the world’s smallest penis. Now, I could win this contest hands down, but none of these guys were trans men. They were all non-trans men with itsy, bitsy, teeny weenies.
By Matt Kailey
One of the most popular items on my blog is “Ten Things Not to Say to a Trans Person.” But I’m sure that non-trans people get tired of hearing what they can’t say. So, in the spirit of helpfulness, I present “Ten Things You CAN Say to a Trans Person”:
1. Good morning!
2. How was your weekend?
3. That outfit/shirt/tie looks great on you.
4. I am so tired of this heat/cold. I hope it rains/warms up pretty soon.
5. Have you seen the latest photo of my kid/dog/new house? Check it out!
6. Where are you from originally? Have you lived in this city long?
7. The traffic on the freeway is a nightmare today! Do you have to drive far to get here?
8. We’re all going across the street for lunch. Want to come?
9. I can’t believe summer/winter is almost over. Where does the time go?
10. Did you see that YouTube video about the snake that ate three baby goats?
Of course, you can adjust these to fit your purposes. And if you are close to this person, your conversations will obviously stray into less superficial aspects of life, such as art, politics, current events, their love life, your love life, Kim Kardashian’s love life, and so on. But use these as a guideline and you will never get yourself in hot water.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I am a 39-year-old gay male. Ever since high school, I have geared being more like a female. It was tough when I came out as being gay. I got teased and made fun of in school. My mother accepted me being gay.
“I have tried to be a full-time male, but just was not happy with it. I drank a lot as well. A year ago I decided to start the process of transitioning. I have already decided that I am not going to have the surgery to be a full female. In other words, I’m going to leave the below parts alone, although I want to grow breasts and desire to take some hormones to obtain more fem features.
“My problem is my mother. She accepts me being gay. Today we went shopping and some people referred to me as a female, which did not bother me at all. In the car while she was driving me home, she stated I make an ugly girl. I understand that given she is my birth mother this is hard for her. She knows I want to be more like a girl but does not realize what I am doing. I am totally happy with who I am and who I will become. Just not so sure of my mother?”
One thing that can be difficult for some trans people is having to come out twice – first as a gay man or lesbian, and later as transgender. The way some people see it is similar to the boy who cried, “Wolf!” – so you said you were gay, now you say you’re trans. What are you going to say next week?
What those people don’t realize is that it is not uncommon for trans people to come out as gay or lesbian before coming out as trans. Here are some reasons that could happen:
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I am a gay man and have no doubts really about that. I was late in coming out after being married and having children. However, 15 months ago I started a relationship with a guy who I had met several years earlier and who also was previously married with children.
“After we had been dating for six or seven months, he started to talk about how he really liked dressing as a girl and felt he should have been born a girl. I did know he was always quite fem and liked fem things and that was part of my attraction to him.
“Well, now he is well into transition to her, including name change and hormone treatments, and is fully out to family and work. I have supported this transition because I loved/love him/her and know that it was making her happy and it was what she wanted.
“Now, though, I am having a real problem in my head as to how can it be that a gay guy is still fancying a girl. Is it an identity issue? What is going on in my mind? Can this relationship continue?
By Matt Kailey
...instead of a regular post, I offer you a small selection from my book Just Add Hormones: An Insider’s Guide to the Transsexual Experience.
As a lead-in to this piece, I will tell you that, in the book, I was discussing an early part of my transition — feeling genderless, struggling with my identity as a man versus a trans man, and bemoaning the salesclerks at Food ‘R Us who would shake and sweat and appear very disturbed when they couldn’t figure out whether to call me ma’am or sir. And then I met Elyse:
“When I was searching for a birthday present for my sister, I found myself in a very familiar place — the women’s department of the local Foley’s. As I shuffled through the racks of women’s clothing, a salesclerk approached from behind. Perhaps noticing my rounded hips in front of a carousel of blouses, she asked, in some kind of European accent, “Can I help you, ma’am?”
When I turned around, she blinked and said, “Oh, I mean, sir.”
I couldn’t tell where Elyse was from, I only knew that her accent was not of this continent. And neither was her behavior. When I smiled, a dead giveaway of female heritage, she continued unflustered.
“I’m sorry. I mean, ma’am.”
“It’s okay,” I said.
She frowned. “I mean, sir.”
By Matt Kailey
Everyone’s sex drive is different, and everyone responds differently to this particular biological force (except the boys in my 8th grade language arts class when I was teaching, who morphed en masse into beings from another planet as soon as puberty hit).
So, although I am posting this in response to a new reader’s question from yesterday, I need to make it clear that my experience with testosterone is my experience with testosterone. I have heard similar stories from other trans men, but they will have to speak for themselves, and are invited to do so in the comments section.
One of the most interesting things about the effects of testosterone and trans men is that we have something else to compare it to. Non-trans men do not. And non-trans women do not, which is why I wrote the post “It’s the Testosterone: What Straight Women Should Know.”
When I started testosterone a dozen years ago, I expected my sex drive to increase. The “horror” stories are a part of trans man lore, passed down from generation to generation as we all gear up for male adolescence, no matter how old we are, and take out a line of credit at the adult toy store.
And it did increase, within about four days of my first shot, and I basically squirmed a lot for two years before I got used to it. But I was planning for that. Here are the things that took me by surprise:
By Matt Kailey
I’m pro-choice, but in this case, I’m not talking about a woman’s right to choose. I’m talking about my right to choose, and my right not to be a victim of my birth.
I just finished watching a new indie gay and lesbian film that had an interesting premise, but I felt like I was back in the ’70s, with the word “homosexual” being thrown around all the time, even by the gay and lesbian characters, and this little gem coming from one of the young lesbian characters when talking to her father:
“I didn’t choose to be this way. I’ve always been this way. I’d be straight if I could. My life would be so much easier.”
I get really tired of this argument, which makes straight the default — and the desirable — way to be, and gay or lesbian the undesirable and unchosen way to be — a way that was forced on certain unfortunate people as a mistake of birth. After all, who wouldn’t want to be straight if they could?
Well, I happen to know hundreds of gay and lesbian people who wouldn’t want to be straight if they could. In fact, I’m not sure I know any who would want to be straight. I know some who would prefer not to have the hassles of being gay or lesbian. I know some who would prefer not to face the prejudice, discrimination, and outright hatred that comes from being gay or lesbian. But I can’t think of any who would want to be straight if they could. I’m sure they’re out there — they’re just getting harder and harder to find.
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: I’m FTM, still in the closet, and I was wondering: What are the most common questions you get? I would like to know because I want to be able to think about questions that I may get asked when and if I come out of the closet.”
The questions never stop coming, and sometimes I still get caught off guard. Because I live in this “trans world,” I forget how little people actually know about this issue, even today. The good thing is that people are asking them, which means that they want to know more.
And although we all get tired of answering them sometimes, I try to look at the positive side of being a walking and breathing Google search engine – at least people want to be educated. And this is never a bad thing.
The questions I get depend in large part on what I’m doing. If I’m in an educational role of some sort – speaking in front of a group or to the media, for example – I would say that the top ten questions are as follows (in no particular order):
1. What does transgender mean and what is the difference between transgender and transsexual?
2. Who are you attracted to and who do you date?
3. How old were you when you “knew”?
4. Have you had “the operation”?
5. How did your family react?
6. What discrimination/prejudice have you experienced?
7. What do hormones do? Do you have to take them for the rest of your life?
8. What are the health risks of transition?
9. How did you feel when you “knew”? What was it that made you know that you were trans (or a man)?
10. What are some of the differences you see between living as a man and living as a woman?
One question that I used to get a lot, but that I rarely get anymore for some reason, is: What does being a man mean to you? Another one that I usually don’t get, but that I have been getting a lot lately since I have been doing media around a trans girl in Colorado who has been denied access to the girls’ restroom, is: How young is too young to know your gender?
By Matt Kailey
I recently participated in a book reading at the Mercury Cafe in Denver, offering up a couple of essays from my latest book, Teeny Weenies and Other Short Subjects. Here is “Let’s See What You’ve Got.” (Note: The text of the essay follows the video.)
Let’s See What You’ve Got
“I’ve never met a female-to-male transsexual before.”
Yes, of course. I get this all the time from gay men. But this particular gay man had just spent the last fifteen years living in San Francisco. If a gay man lives in San Francisco for fifteen years and has never met an FTM transsexual person, I can only assume that he spent those fifteen years:
A) incarcerated.
B) homebound.
C) in a hut on the far side of Alcatraz island.
Almost every major urban center in the United States is teeming with trans men. If we don’t live there already, we often migrate there in search of a more welcoming community, better access to health care and other resources, and a larger trans population with which to connect. San Francisco, with its rainbow flags down Market Street and its “anything goes” Castro district, is particularly attractive, especially for gay trans men.
In reality, my fine gay friend from San Francisco, who apparently had to come to Denver, Colorado, to actually meet a trans man, has probably met many of them throughout his decade and a half in the City by the Bay – he just doesn’t know it. Thanks to the incredible transformative powers of testosterone, trans men rarely have to come out publicly unless we choose to, and we are hardly ever read as trans, even if someone is looking extra hard.
This invisibility is great for someone who is trying to quietly assimilate into mainstream culture, but it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings, unpleasantness, and even downright nastiness if the guy is simply trying to get a date or a trick for the night. A non-trans gay man can quickly turn ugly when he picks up a guy and then finds out later that his cute trick doesn’t have the expected “equipment,” no matter how hot the guy is overall.
This particular predicament is cause for ongoing discussion in trans man space: when, exactly, do you come out to your potential partner or one-night-stand? I always advocate for a “the-sooner-the-better” approach, primarily for safety reasons. I have no desire to be in a strange apartment in a strange neighborhood with a strange (and maybe rather large and burly) guy who suddenly feels that I have “betrayed” him by not intimately discussing my physical configuration beforehand. It’s true that I might get rejected and left standing at the bar with only my beer for company, but I’ll take that chance a lot faster than I’ll take a chance with my physical safety.
The guys who feel as if they don’t need to go into a “tell-all” confession prior to a little play have a very good point, however – how many non-trans gay guys honestly share their stats before leaving a bar or a party with someone? I’m not talking about all those 9-inched hunks who only seem to exist on the pages of the personals. I’m talking about real guys who hook up in real circumstances. Unless you both strip down right where you are and show each other all the goods, there might be any number of things about your trick that will disappoint you, and vice versa. These things don’t come with a written guarantee.
So while I’m all for safety (mostly mine), I also understand the desire for privacy and anonymity, along with a person’s right to possess the body he has without explanations or disclaimers. We’re out there. You’ve met us, whether you know it or not. And we’re not trying to fool you. We’re just being ourselves, looking for the same things that you are.
So – let’s see what you’ve got.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
By Matt Kailey
Here, we have two coming-out posts reflecting very different situations. As always, I encourage readers to chime in. Here goes:
A reader writes: “I identify as a genderfluid/ genderqueer FTM transsexual who presents and lives publicly as male. I’ve been in a relationship with a cissexual, genderqueer person who presents and lives publicly as female for about a year and a half.
“She recently came out to her parents as queer. I’ve been out to my family as queer and trans for years, but I’m not out to her family (and most people in general). It simply doesn’t come up/isn’t any of their business, combined with an intense fear I have of people knowing I’m trans, in part due to an experience of coming out to someone I thought I could trust and his reaction being to rape me to try to prove to me that I’m female. I don’t trust many people with this information.
“My partner and I just got engaged, and everyone is happy for us and all is well and dandy. My concern is that folks in my family (who all know my gender history) will tell other people at the wedding, perhaps even tell everyone at once during a toast. I can’t really imagine a worse way for me to come out to her family.
“The options I see are (1) tell her family ahead of time, (2) keep our families apart/elope, and (3) ask folks in my family not to out me and just hope they are able to do it. Do you see any options I’m missing? I’m just so uncomfortable with all of these options. I imagine this information will eventually make the rounds, but I’d feel much more comfortable if it came up naturally and not as a big announcement.”
That’s a tough one. But there’s one thing missing from all these options, and that is – what does your fiancée think? It’s not her decision when and how you come out, but I think under these circumstances, it’s definitely something that the two of you should discuss together (with you getting the final say if the two of you disagree).
My personal opinion is that you should tell her family ahead of time, and here’s why: The two families will probably have many interactions over the years, even if you elope. Expecting every member of your family to honor an agreement not to out you over the next fifty years might be more than you can reasonably count on.
Just expecting no one to slip up at the wedding might be too much. Even with the best of intentions, someone can easily make a mistake, and there could be one family member who thinks this bit of information might be too juicy to withhold – especially after a few champagne toasts.
Should you be able to count on your family to respect your wishes and not out you? Yes. Can you? Probably not, and that doesn’t mean that your family is horrible or doesn’t respect you or anything other negative thing. It just means that people slip up, people make mistakes, people aren’t perfect. And even if every member of your family takes this information to the grave with them, that doesn’t mean that your in-laws will never find out.
There are people who will disagree with me, and I hope that we will hear from them in the Comments section. But I think that just getting it over with and moving on is the best course of action.
You say that you would like it to come up naturally and not as a big announcement, and at this point, you have control over that. Once Uncle Ralph gets drunk and proposes a toast at the wedding, you no longer have control. So use the control that you do have now to let it come up naturally and matter-of-factly, so that by the time the wedding takes place, it will be old news.
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I’m in high school (Junior), but am very open about my gender identity (cross dress, bind, etc). At this point there isn’t a whole lot I can do about hormonal treatment or surgery. So instead I try to do what I can, at my age. I bind, as mentioned, and use a commercially available binder.
“It has been fine, but lately I’ve gotten a lot of pain, difficulty breathing, and nasty bruising on my rib-cage. I wear it too often as it is (about 12 to 14 hours a day, nearly every day), so I know the best thing to do would be to just stop wearing it so much.
“Unfortunately, this is a problem for me as my gender dysphoria has also gotten much more severe as of late (and includes thoughts of self-harm and things we don’t need to get into). It’s a difficult trade-off for me to consider – wear it less and hopefully not end up with a serious injury in the hospital and cause my dysphoria to be that much worse (which, when paired with my depression, anxiety, and raging teenage hormones can be a serious and kind of terrifying problem), or continue doing what I can to suppress (no pun intended) my dysphoria and likely end up in the hospital.
“My mother doesn’t take my depression or dysphoria seriously (it took her witnessing one of my most violent panic attacks to convince her to let me see the school therapist), so advice from her doesn’t help (especially when she doesn’t offer any).
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I’m 17, a junior in high school, and FTM. I live at home currently with my mother and sister. I came out about a year ago.
“My mum’s response had been ‘I saw this coming. I’ll love you for whoever you are.’ The next day she clarified that whoever I am isn’t a man. Biggest bubble burst of a lifetime. If she had said she wasn’t okay with it from the beginning, I would have felt better than I did about the whole thing in the long run. The kicker is that she saw it coming and still doesn’t believe it.
“According to her I was a feminine child. I was actually very androgynous, but she doesn’t want to remember the Legos and remote control cars. She has this picture of me in her head as a women, and when saying I was feminine isn’t enough, she claims I’m just on a quest for perfection and the media has corrupted my mind with male supremacy. I don’t even know where she gets half of the ideas she spews at me.
By Matt Kailey
In April 2014, Tranifesto celebrates five years as a blog. After a couple of shaky experimental posts, my first real blog post was Angie Zapata: A Historic Verdict, about the history-making verdict in the murder trial of Allen Andrade.
In the beginning, I posted almost every day – news items, opinion pieces, interviews, and whatever I thought was interesting or important. Pretty soon, the near-daily blogging became overwhelming, and I set up a twice-weekly schedule – Mondays and Thursdays.
And because I was getting so many questions privately, I decided to introduce the Ask Matt feature, so other people could benefit from the information and so that readers could give their input. That way, the questioner could get more than just my thoughts on the matter. While the feature started out slow, it became so popular that it’s pretty much what I’ve done on the blog for the past couple of years. I’ve loved it, and I think it’s been quite valuable. I hope that readers feel the same.
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I started ‘T’ (testosterone cypionate) one week ago at 100 mg. every two weeks, then will go up to 200 in three months. I started feeling a bit more agitated and quick to anger two days ago. I also feel sort of flat emotionally and a tad depressed.
“The first two days after injecting I felt calm, more peaceful, and good (probably because I was starting the process). I’m older at 53. Do these feelings settle down after a while? It’s becoming sort of a drag.”
They should settle down. Hormones can cause rapid mood changes and other feelings that you are not used to. Testosterone and estrogen can both affect mood, emotion, and feelings of general well-being. Your body is not used to this hormone. It has to adjust.
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I’m dating a trans man now and it’s been amazing. I’m still slightly confused as I have always considered myself as a straight female and have always seen him as male, but at the same time I’ve accepted that for the moment he is still female and am willing to do stuff with him (obviously, haha).
“I know labels are not the best way to go about things, but I’m not sure of how else I can understand what I am feeling? I hope this doesn’t come across as naive or stupid. I’m just a little bit confused.”
It’s not uncommon for those who are dating trans people to become confused about their own sexual orientation. For you, it seems pretty straight-forward – you’re a straight woman dating a trans guy, so you’re a straight woman … because he’s a guy.
I would argue that he is not “still female.” I think what you mean is that he has not had any type of genital surgery. Maybe you even mean that he is not taking hormones. But if he’s living as a man, then he’s not female. And if you see him as male, then he’s not female to you, either.
Just because he has a different body type from what you might be used to doesn’t negate any of that. If you’ve been with several men in your life, you know that their body types vary widely, even though they all might have come closer to the particular prototype or representation that we have of a “standard” male body than your current lover’s body does. No matter. He’s a man, you’re a woman, and the label for that type of relationship in Western culture is “straight.”
Now, you don’t have to call yourself straight if you don’t want to. You can always change labels to suit you. But I would argue that you have not changed sexual orientations. You are attracted to men and you’re dating a man.
So I would say that not a lot has changed for you. I don’t think you should worry about it, really. When you engage in sexual activity, it might be slightly different at first from what you are used to (or it might not be), but just keep the lines of communication open, and you’ll be fine.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “My 19-year-old son came out to us as gay when he was 17. Although he has never had any relationship with anybody, I understand that he is attracted to males and have absolutely no issues with him being gay. Now that he is 19 (still no relationships), he is saying he thinks he is transsexual, which I just don’t see in him.
“He is a math-nerd type, very logical, extremely bright, not at all into image. Hates the typical female stuff like shopping or dressing up or fashion. Very male mind – into fantasy/anime/sci fi.
“I just don’t see it and am afraid he will further isolate himself and become less happy should he move forward. He is going to see a counselor that works with LGBT issues, but I don’t want to label him as trans if he is not truly. Am I mistaken to think that most MTF persons would have more fem traits? Please help.”
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I’m a 16-year-old trans guy, and I came out to my mom two months ago, and my dad one month ago. They haven’t rejected me (I knew they wouldn’t), but they’re not on board with thinking of me as their son, and probably won’t be in the near future. My mom e-mailed a gender therapist recently, so I’m looking forward to my parents getting a ‘professional opinion,’ and so I can finally talk to someone who speaks my language.
“Some problems are: I don’t know how (or when) to come out to my siblings. My brother is 13, and looks up to my 18-year-old sister. My sister has treated me like less than a human being for my entire life, probably from deep jealousy that started when I was born, and I’m finally letting go of the belief that if I tried hard enough, she would show any emotion resembling love toward me. She’s leaving in the spring, and if I came out to her before that, she would probably out me to our school, and subsequently our town.
“My town has a population of 400, with less than thirty people in my high school and with two other students in my grade. I’ve lived here my whole life, and have despised it for just as long. I need to transition as soon as possible, and the only way I can think of to do that is to move to a big city, and since I’m a minor, I can’t just go and get an apartment and a job in Portland and start testosterone on my own.
“I feel guilty about wanting to ask my family if we can move, since I only have a year and a half of high school left. I also don’t want to put them through a lot of stress if I ended up coming out in this town, which is what I would need to do if I had to spend my senior year here.
“So, do you have any advice for getting my brother on my side, without him getting thrown into the middle of differing opinions within my family?
“How can I convince my parents that living this female lie is so debilitating that I can’t keep it up for even another year, and if I had to stay in this town, I would probably sink into a very deep, deep depression?
“And this isn’t as important, but I’ll ask it anyway: do you think me acting masculine on some days and effeminate on others would confuse them, or that they would have a harder time believing I’m male?”
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I was hoping I could get your opinion on this issue. I recently read a diatribe by a cisgender gay man stating that those who identify as girlfags are being disrespectful to cisgender gays and lesbians, as well as gay transmen.
“I agree that the term does sound pejorative, and it would be better if a new term was coined. But I believe that it is a legitimate identity. What do you think?”
I had never heard of this term before, so I had to look it up. On Urban Dictionary, “girlfag” is defined as: “A woman who is very attracted to gay/bi/trans men. She may (or may not) also feel she is (fully or partly) a ‘gay man in a woman’s body.’ Girlfags identify primarily as queer, and are often attracted to more types of people than just gay/bi/trans men.”
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I am a 59-year-old African American lesbian giving serious consideration to transitioning to a male. Are you aware of any females beginning their transition who are my age?
“I do realize there will be generational, cultural, and racial considerations. My questions largely have to do with being post menopausal and beginning T. Are there challenges that younger trans men don’t have to deal with? Will T be more effective since I am post menopausal? Are there any health considerations or concerns?
“As I begin my transition, I will bind my chest. I’ll see how it goes prior to deciding to (or not) having a double mastectomy. Is there an ‘older’ community of trans men support group? Any other suggestions would greatly be appreciated.”
By Matt Kailey
A reader writes: “I am a parent of a teenager who just last year, at the age of 17, shocked me with the announcement that she was transgender and would be starting the transition from FTM as soon as she turned 18.
“Up to that point, my husband and I had no idea her gender identity was in question. She was definitely a ‘tomboy’ (as was I most of my life), and never played with dolls, etc., but we never put two and two together. We did think she was a lesbian, however, but even that we were unsure about, because she had gone from one phase to another over the years (emo chick, athlete, etc.).
“So I am trying to find a place where I can be educated that will help me not only believe this, but accept it, embrace it, and eventually advocate for my child. I am having a very difficult time ‘transitioning’ my own mind to believe that my daughter of 17 years is not a female. I cannot get the word ‘him’ out of my mouth, and I cannot get myself to call her (him) by this new name.
“Does this make me a mean, closed-minded, unaccepting parent? I just tried to call my husband ‘babe’ or ‘honey’ the other day (something I’ve never done), and that felt so incredibly awkward coming out of my mouth. How in the world will I call my child ‘he’?
“I cannot seem to find good information on how to change myself, and my husband and my 12-year-old son’s mindset on the fact that ‘Jane’ is now ‘John.’ Not to mention, my husband is not at all willing to change the name. He does not even believe that this is happening. Knowing nothing at all about transgenderism and totally unwilling to educate himself at this, I am at a loss!”
Let’s get the most important thing out of the way right up front – you are not mean, closed-minded, or unaccepting. You wouldn’t be writing to me if you were. So stop beating yourself up about that, and let that one go.
Next, let’s put your husband on the back burner for a moment, because it’s not your job to make him accept his child. Don’t worry – we’ll come back to him later. Right now, we are going to focus on you, because how you deal with this will likely eventually influence how he does, and how your 12-year-old son does.
This is a big shock. I can’t imagine any parent not being shocked unless they truly saw signs of this for a child’s entire life. But as I’ve said before, not seeing signs really means nothing. Don’t go back looking for signs that might or might not have been there. This is what’s happening right now, so you have to deal with it in real time.
So let’s look at your questions. First, you want to know how you can you get to a place where you can believe this. Ask yourself, given that there were few to no indications of this, “What would make me believe it?” Would it help you to have a professional opinion? Is your child willing to see a therapist?
Most doctors, even in these changing times, still require a letter from a therapist in order to prescribe hormones. When your child says that he will be “starting transition,” it’s quite possible that he means he will be taking hormones. If this is the case, he will probably eventually need to see a therapist. If the therapist gives the go ahead for hormones, then you have your professional opinion.
You might even suggest to your child that you are willing to help him find (and pay for) a therapist now. That way, he can start looking at some possible options for his future.
What else might make you believe it? Would having a long conversation (or several) with your child about this help? Is he willing to do that? I don’t know what has taken place in the family since he came out to you, but if he sees your request for dialogue as an attempt to try to get him to change his mind, then he will probably be less willing to talk about it. If he sees your request as a way of attempting to support him, he might be far more open to it.
I think a lot of my readers are going to say, “Believe it because he says it’s so.” And I understand that position and welcome those comments. But I also understand that this isn’t always easy to do. You have to figure out what is going to make you believe it, and then see if that thing can eventually come to pass.
You also want to not only believe it, but to accept it, embrace it, and become an advocate for your child. This is an admirable position that I hope he can realize and appreciate. A lot of parents would not even get this far. The fact that you are already here says that you are accepting it in some ways, even as you are not quite sure that it’s real.
So what I would recommend is that you think this: “Here is what I need to believe this, and that hasn’t happened yet, but I accept the fact that my child believes this, and I accept the fact that he believes that this is what he needs to do. So whether or not I believe it at this moment, I accept what my child believes about himself, and I will support my child and embrace my child and advocate for my child right now because he is my child.” You don’t need another reason.
Now you are accepting your child – just the way he is. And because you accept him, regardless of what you believe, you will do your best to honor his wishes about what he will be called. So you start calling him John and you start using male pronouns. It will be forced. It won’t feel right. It will not come smoothly out of your mouth. It doesn’t matter right now.
Today when he gets home from school, say, “How was your day, John?” Force it. When it’s time to eat, yell up, “John, dinner’s ready.” Force it. Do it not because it’s comfortable for you, but because you accept your child unconditionally. If you have to tell yourself that you’re in a TV show or a movie and you’re playing a role, do that. Do whatever you have to do to make it come out of your mouth.
Not only will it get easier every time you do it, but it will strengthen the relationship between you and your child, so that when you want or need to talk, he will hopefully be more open to it. The name will come naturally before the pronoun does, and you will slip up – probably a lot. Apologize to John, forgive yourself, and move on.
What you might see is John blossoming right in front of you as you acknowledge his name and his pronouns. You might see huge changes in his demeanor and his mood. You might see him “coming alive” as John – and this, in turn, might help you believe it. “Fake it ’til you make it” can work in a lot of different contexts.
Your husband is in denial. There’s nothing you can really do about that except give him time. He might or he might not come around. Perhaps, if John is truly thriving with your recognition of him, your husband will see that and at least start to think about it.
I don’t think you should push him, and I hope that the two of you don’t end up arguing about this. You can just say to him, “I’m going to be using the name that John wants and the pronoun that he wants. It’s going to be difficult, but I think John’s comfort and my relationship with him is more important to me than the minor struggles I will have in doing this. I don’t want us to fight, and you need to do what is right for you. I’m just letting you know what I’m going to do.”
The difficulty is going to be with your 12-year-old, because he is going to get different messages from you and your husband with regard to this. But that’s a big reason why you and your husband should try not to fight over this. You can disagree privately, and your husband can do what he wants, but the two of you should discuss how your disagreements and your different messages will impact your 12-year-old.
It might not hurt for both of you to sit down with him and explain what’s going on and what your plans are. If your husband won’t do it, then you should do it anyway. I don’t know how close he and John are, but if John is also willing to talk to him, that would probably be helpful.
Regardless, you can explain to him why you are going to start using a different name and pronoun for his older sibling. You can explain to him that it’s a matter of respect, and that you know it will be difficult for him, but you hope that he will try it, too. He should not be punished for making mistakes or for saying that he is not going to do this. John can ultimately decide whether or not he is going to respond to anyone who uses an incorrect name and pronoun.
Again, I really can’t stress this enough, and I hope that your husband can see this, too – your 12-year-old should not be put in the middle of this. He should not be afraid that Dad will get mad if he calls his older sibling John, and that you will get mad if he doesn’t. He shouldn’t be made to feel as if he is “taking sides,” and neither one of you should feel that way, either. He shouldn’t be coached one way by you and another way by your husband.
You and your husband are the parents and the adults. No matter what disagreements happen between the two of you, you need to stay “neutral” with your 12-year-old, and you need to explain very calmly to him what is going on, why you are using a certain name and pronouns with John, and why your husband is not.
At 12, he’s old enough to take the information and decide for himself what he’s going to do. He’s not old enough to bear the burden of feeling as if he’s betraying one of his parents with his decision.
You might eventually want to start leaving some books, websites, or other literature out for your husband. Don’t force them on him. Just leave them out. Ask John if he has any favorite books or websites that he wishes his father would look at. Hopefully, your husband will eventually decide that he wants to, or needs to, educate himself.
If things get rough, I would also suggest family therapy. This could be helpful for everyone involved.
If you go to the right sidebar of this blog and click on the Family category in the Categories list, you might find some other posts that will be beneficial. Also, some helpful resources for both you and your husband might be TransYouth Family Allies and PFLAG. I wish you the best of luck.
This post originally appeared on Matt Kailey's award-winning website Tranifesto.com. Republished with permission.
